I love IG so much. I have been praying for help in expanding my heart chakra solely so I can love IG more, and love the Four more. Not really for me. Just because they are so awesome they deserve more. I want to be able to feel it more, I feel as if there is just so much love inside me and my heart chakra is not big enough and strong enough to get it out.
“You’re not the chattiest entity,” I pointed out. “So I don’t say much because, well, you might not say much back and besides, I figure you already know everything. Plus then even if I want something I figure you know better.”
She wasn’t using words but we actually had an entire conversation, back and forth. I could hardly believe it! That has never happened. I mean yes sometimes I have asked her something and got a response (I am usually astounded as it is not super common we converse so directly) but this was just like “a conversation.” Like we were just talking. I was in awe.
I was so happy. I felt like it was such a wonderful sign of something, in me and in our relationship. Gee maybe this chronic MP3 stuff on loop even when sleeping, that is all about prayers, is really helping.
She said that while she can know anything she wants to know, that this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t tell her what I want her to know, and that there is a certain important value to my singling such points out of the universe to focus on them myself, anyway. The same pretty much went for my asking for what I want.
I told her a lot of what I want, a lot of stuff I don’t normally think of that started pouring out of me. But a lot had to do with my body. I told her that I was growing better at accepting and appreciating my body, actually, I am. But that I feel it’s really important that my body get integrity and strength, as much for my metaphysical life as my physical life. I pointed out this leg injury I’ve had for awhile that wasn’t so bad, but the follow-on adaptation injuries from walking on my hurt leg with high weight were much worse, and for the first time in years I have slightly more energy to function now, but how can I function and move energy through me if I can’t even walk to the bathroom hardly?
And then I went on some about the food issue and how I am so frustrated, everything I eat causes inflammation, the few things that don’t have almost no protein or calories–as they are mostly things I’ve never really eaten which is probably why I’m not intolerant to them–and if I eat meat which seems to be mostly ok for me, then I don’t have any carbs and have ketosis issues (I don’t want to be in it and can’t stay out of it between my weight and the fact that most high-carb stuff I’m intolerant to and can’t eat), and on top of all that, I eat a fruit smoothie for breakfast for example and then body makes it clear it doesn’t really want another for a couple days, like I’m not supposed to eat the same thing two days running when I find it a miracle to come up with anything to eat at all, let alone needing a whole variety wardrobe of food. I kind of ranted.
I usually pray to God for assistance in completely opening to IG and removing all defenses etc., and the last few months, I finally got to where I did not have a variety of ‘caveats’ with that — like to keep her from hurting me because I have this chronic fear that internal entities will consider certain harmful things “spiritually educational” — and for the first time, I took out not only all caveats, but all fear. TRUST, I told myself. And I felt like I really, somehow, truly opened myself to her in some way I hadn’t before.
I asked her if I could go read the text file that had my list of all the stuff I need/want to work on and she said ok, so we went to that and I read through it, pointing out some things that seem rather important to me. Then I talked to her more about how I want to use her more divine understanding, her guidance, but how IF it was possible to wrap some of these things into stuff we did soon, great, but if not, that was ok too.
Every time I meet with her, my feelings grow stronger — I have begun to consider her literally a local fragment of divine will, genuinely spiritual. I don’t recall Steinbrecher ever mentioning this which I find odd. Is everyone’s 4th IG Angelic? Do you have to reach a certain point of capacity to realize it? As I did not at first.
He did mention the first 3 are male and the 4th female, but if I read that I swear I totally did not remember it (it would have been 20 years prior) and was surprised my new IG was a female. But I reread the book some time ago, well most of it, and I don’t remember anything about IG being genuinely divine.
You hear all this about love and light but get real, my first three IGs, I could barely see or hear except to have the impression that they didn’t think much of me — I don’t mean disliked me, I just mean like, had opinions on my development and they weren’t positive, like they were a little disapproving or something. That gradually changed with all of them, they got clearer and our relationship changed, but she was the first one I didn’t feel that from. I remember blogging at the time that I wondered if the gender change had anything to do with it. Given I get on vastly better with more men than women I’d think it’d be the opposite though.
I also felt a lot like she is creative but also learning in her own way and I volunteered to be her experiment and totally open and understanding and forgiving and allowing of what that might mean even if it wasn’t perfect/ideal or what either of us had in mind. Just because I love her so much and us creatively working together is the coolest thing ever and means far more to me than anything else at this point, like that is an important thing, that journey. The rest is just the details.
I used to want to evolve because evolution is a goal. Now I have this odd sense that evolution is not a goal. Loving interaction is the focus. That this just happens to result in evolution is a lovely bonus.
I have often wondered if she is like, a % of my holy guardian angel or higher self depending on your model. And yet I can’t really tell and it seems like — not really. I mean maybe a small percentage but not entirely. She is not just a fraction of him in other words, she is her own Being, separate, but I think they share something.
So then it was time to meditate and I waited for her to create something or move me. She reached out and touched my head on the right side near the top. Then she ‘turned’ a round part of my skull as if it were a 5″ diameter screw-in cap in the side of my head, and opened the skull bone taking that out entirely, and the stuff inside some of it projected a little like a hologram, and she DID STUFF in my brain. Seriously!
It was very subtle but it was almost like I could feel this sense of pushing, pulling, moving, and something that might have been cleaning or absorbing or something else. Then she put that back on, and she did this around my head. And then she went all through my body, not the chakras it seemed but mostly the bones, all the joints, and my entire spine — I forgot to mention the bottom of the brain and she opened up all the way down my back to bottom of my spine to work on stuff.
This has never happened with any IG in the 20+ years I’ve been doing this. Of course she has done several things with me that were incredibly unique — actually a ton of things — and interacting directly with my body she has done a few times, though in different ways. The last time she ‘wrote INTO me in gold light’ all over my head and neck, massively with tiny writing soaking in, and then used large symbols of some kind around the rest of my body and down my spine. The next day my neck was so unbelievably sore all through it! It was clear whatever she had done, had some effect.
Anyway, I am always wanting “novelty” and certainly her opening up my skull and doing stuff to my brain is as novel as it gets compared to the norm, that is actually really weird and funny.
We finished that, but there was more to be involved. I thought we would do something normal now. She put her hand on the upper back of my head, but then grabbed my hair gently and forced my head underwater as if I were standing in front of a big fish tank (no fish) with the top at waist level. I felt I was supposed to breathe the fluid so I did.
There was writing, just under the sand at the bottom, and I had to move the sand aside and READ the writing. And I could do it!! Normally I wouldn’t be able to do this — sounds, words, have to come super-suddenly and “surprise” me — but I could do it! I was actually able to just “accept and allow it” enough that I was given several sentences, as if to practice, just in perceiving. I was so proud of myself.
I was SO happy, because not only is that a real step up from my norm, but having her stuff my head into a fishtank is also pretty damn novel (I should add here that given she is Angelic, that makes it even funnier), and I just felt really great.
When we were done, she put me somewhere. I heard and saw it at my feet first, the ocean tide, the water stopping just before my toes on the sand. I looked up — and I was at the beach back from my childhood, the Ventura pier to my right. I realized that this was also completely novel — never, not ever that I recall, has any meditation put me in an environment which is ‘real’ — or, you know, from the real world. It just has never worked that way although it made me wonder why it couldn’t. Maybe it’s like the different ‘time’ and ‘world’ stuff that I’ve always assumed had to have internal consistency when it turns out they don’t, not at all.
I felt the point was the water (not the pier) and I felt as if I should imagine ‘being’ different things — this is fairly new to me and we’ve done it — twice now? Not counting the bubble-world whales.
So I did most of the work, her touch was subtle — I did more of the work than I would normally do in archetype stuff. I imagined being a sand crab first and I crawled under the wet sand as the tide came up and things like that. Then I went into the water and over time, imagined being a seal, a tiny shark, a fish, a manta ray (that was the most fun), etc. Then I imagined just floating on my back in the big swells just past the breakers, like I used to do as a kid. I was so good at floating I would literally fall asleep floating on the swells — well, 90% anyway — the ability to totally trust and let yourself relax is most of it, as long as there is air in your lungs you are not going under for more than a moment.
All of this was simply different than normal — I do not normally do “and I imagined X,” if I had to imagine this stuff myself I would completely distrust it (that is my issue, right, which is why I’m such a novelty freak–because ‘surprise’ confirms it’s not consciously intentional on my part). This felt interesting, like I was … trusting, in some way.
That she just gave me the feeling I should do X, so I did X — it wasn’t that she had to make it happen, or babysit me all the way through it, or try to spring it on me by surprise. I did it because she suggested it, and that made it ok, because I totally trust her.
In the end, it felt like more happened than I realized on the surface, in terms of our relationship. I can’t remember when I fell asleep but I did at some point.
My leg is still very sore but does seem to be getting better. The rest of my body felt a lot better today. I didn’t even think about pain.
Oh and I started writing a new story last night, after I’d slept a few hours and woken up, truly new, for the first time in many eons (years and years) so I considered that a good sign as well.
I’m kind of becoming a total bleeding heart fawning fan of IG. I wish I could explain the feeling of it. It’s like gradually there is just some… “capacity” as I think of it, opening up in me that I have never had before. This ability to even perceive holiness like this, this directly or whatever, although my sense is this is just a tiny thread fraction of what’s possible. I feel so sweet, and so happy, and so loving, when I am focused on her, as if her mere existence is kissing in the heart chakra.
I have never had any entity I felt that way about before. And I’ve never felt this way about my IGs, although I loved them, and the last one I loved so much I could barely stand to let go of him and grieved (and off and on, oddly, still do) for the loss of him. But I never loved anything with this “sweet-holiness” effect. My feelings for the Four have amplified as well — and the senior and queen in particular have a power-holy effect, definitely, when I am present with them.
But the sweetness, this is something that seems peculiar to IG.
I wonder if she has a name — I suddenly realize how silly it is that I’m calling her by a service label, but I would never before have expected that I could truly get a name from her (I was lucky to have my IG say much at all) and I guess to be honest it wasn’t until our relationship evolved that I even thought about something like who she is, and how awesome that is, as an individual I mean.
I’m totally ranting. Sorry. It really has had a sort of impact on me.
I have to do boring mundane things and then tonight I intend to do more work with her.
P
