Writing anything down is so hard lately.

27Aug2015 Thursday

Rereading the blog sparked another med on a previous archetype. In a warehouse a boy, maybe 12, is hanging on a wire as if it went through the back of his shirt and sleeves. I had put my hands on his chest and suggested our Themelians (the folks that live at the heart chakra frequency) could commune. I had the sudden urge to do it again when rereading this, and did this with my hands out and sure enough got rushing to suit it. So I continued for a bit.

In the med, I had taken him down and put him on a light-table, but before I read anything more (I couldn’t remember what came after) I did that now, to look at what was inside him. I had to really allow and focus for a while. There was something at his right side, that I eventually decided was around the liver and kidneys. It took some time to let it become, and then ‘through’ his liver was a metal corkscrew kind of shape, and from behind him, either in liver or kidneys was a knife shape. This was Nero’s energy, I knew that the moment we focused on that area, we have run into that plenty of times before.

Once previously in the tower I had seen him with a knife in the same area behind and I had ‘released the part of me that is the knife’ and gotten huge rushing, this mean eons ago. I decided to try this again with both the metal shapes in the archetype, and it was some work and not intense, but I did get sufficient sensation to feel I accomplished something. That was that.

Went to meditate later that night, ended up spacing out. Had the sense more than once from inside that my not blogging the above was a form of denial in some fashion so finally I switched to a text file and wrote this down. Then forgot to post it. Repeatedly.

31Aug2015 Monday

For the last several days I at times call Sun to sit by me and imagine holding his hand and talking to him off and on. I talked to J’Rend (he’s the guide who teaches ‘energy management’ to include chakra stuff) briefly this morning, been a long time.

I was supposed to meditate last night but never did, put it off. At some ungodly hour this morning when I was minding my own business doing stuff online, to my right a woman who looked like me but lean, but was naked for some reason, got into bed beside me as if were my bed were twice the width, and sat down. It was in my head of course but since I was wide awake and not even focused on anything like meditation at the time — I was reading on my computer — I did like a triple take. That must be how people see ghosts or something, weird!

I recognized the feel of her — the “ideal self.” Talk about the mountain coming to Mohammed… she said she was going to integrate more with me. Now, previously I had asked for this and got no result. She is basically the ideal me which includes being fully “within His Will.” Now I’m not asking anymore but there she is. But I felt… resistant. A lot. “Later,” I said, with no clear intention on what century later might fall into. I didn’t get to it. I fell asleep. She was still there later and I didn’t get to it. This happened repeatedly for a long time.

Then while simultaneously telling her I just didn’t feel like it, I realized that I was clutching her hand tightly like to prevent her getting away, and realized some part of me felt like “don’t leave me don’t leave me oh my god please don’t leave me” — I had some real cognitive dissonance going on.

It took me about a day and a half before I was finally able to do a brief med with Mark to allow her to ‘join’ me. Then I talked to her from inside, off and on. Sometimes slightly hostile, oddly. Or maybe that’s not odd given it’s me we’re talking about. But I feel odd about it. I’m not really ‘aware’ of her anymore but I was for a while. It seems like a good thing, or potentially anyway.

Then I refused to blog this, and it was pointed out I’d refused, and after a few reminders I finally wrote a little piece down, and with more arm twisting eventually more, and then more, it has taken me some time to get there. Then I couldn’t get around to putting it on the blog.

03Sep2015 Thursday

For the first time in a couple decades I have been so distracted that I forgot my mom’s birthday on Sep 1. Usually I spend all day thoughtful and sometimes the whole two week period until my birthday on the 14th. I usually try to do something to mark it, it’s like a review of my life and where I am.

That’s probably why I forgot it. Because I feel like my health is so F’d up and I have such helpless rage about it, and it has made me feel like I’m doomed and maybe I should just find a way to die that won’t be gross, expensive, painful, and inconvenience the people around me, and will save me from the horror of drawing it out. Then another part of me wails that I want to LIVE and goes through all the things I want to do and then starts whining to Mark about how this seems like this impossible nightmare I have to find my way out of, and I know reality is a dream, and I know all things are through Him as he once put it, and I know if there is anybody who ought to be able to do this it should be me dammit, but it’s so hard not to feel like a victim, to feel anything but helpless.

Ironically, or maybe just wonderfully, the primary problem I had five years ago after I lost so much weight on VLC — lack of energy, and I mean to a point that is profoundly pathological — has actually resolved to a great degree. I don’t have a lot of energy but a huge amount of that problem is gone. Well now there are other issues that bring it on from a different direction, but in terms of the ability of my liver to make enough ketones which seemed to have failed but now I think is restored, that was gradually resolved.

*

I’ve had a sort of repeat realization for quite some time now, it goes past me more than once, and I kind of summarized it to my journal friends like so, when I was saying that I think literally, it is a life and death test, but it’s not “just” health:

There is a point you get to where the test is reality. You have to find your way out of the dream-model you’re stuck in, and consciously, on purpose, into the version of dream-reality you want. And if you fail, very likely you die, although there’s probably gradients of result. So it’s my job to figure it out, or I die as an apprentice instead of a sorceror you might say — no blame in that, just a bloody shame. Ah, she had such potential…

Meanwhile I’ve continued rereading the blog. A couple of things:

First, my god, the warnings about my health from the Aeons etc. are everywhere and I just really didn’t understand the ‘potential’ we were talking about. I mean when your issue is Lipedema it seems like, worst case, you just can’t fix it, how horrible, try not to grow anymore. But lipedema is triggered by hormones. Every time my body has suddenly exploded outward it’s been a massive hormonal situation. And I’m going into menopause actively now. Started a couple years ago, got massively worse from 10 months ago to about 7 months ago (at which point I could no longer drive) then kicked up worse again a few months ago — over the last 3, my female cycle shifted then blood stopped (and it got worse so at this point I’m basically bedridden). Like many women I know online now, at that point lipedema actually became lymphadema, which is a whole new degree of utter mind-boggling horror that has a cascade of even worse problems (like spontaneous leg edema then overdone wounds from it that won’t heal or verrrrrry slowly, as just one issue). And sometimes ache/itch/pain you can do nothing about.

Although leg ‘compression wrapping’ is a major PITA, very painful, all-the-time-miserable (all day if not literally all the time for months), eternal (rest of your life), and doesn’t fix a damn thing, it is believed to keep an explosion problem from getting much worse and in some cases eventually reduce things enough to restore a degree of mobility so despite initial angry resistance, I am looking into this. Except my ‘insurance’ thanks to O-care went from a $30 copayment to a $6000 deductible (I am out of network for my corp as I work from home) so I don’t have insurance anymore is what that means, and I can’t afford a local nurse for it (and I can’t travel, I can barely get to the bathroom/shower across the hall, can’t get dressed and go outside — haven’t seen my freaking porch cats in six months — so I can’t just go to the doctor and have it done like some people do). Can get help from teen, but you can really cause problems doing it wrongly and my body is shaped so bizarrely and that’s the main risk involved, is getting the bizarre snowman shape (and harem-pants cuff) of calves, just for example, into something that is actually a smooth padded solid “cylinder” from foot to knee before the compression or you can injure/make it worse.

I did find a better wrap solution by far (normal is 4 layers, takes eons, major PITA, comes loose fast, costs fortune) though I’m surely too big for it right now (Ready Wrap which is around $600 per leg if you fit default sizes and probably 10x more if you don’t, said a friend who went formally through doc and insurance for custom one) and an interesting Thai approach (‘Twisting Tourniquet Technique’) that if done about 10x daily for about 3.5 days is said to be able to reduce lower-body edema by about 50%, which is huge in that short time. I would really like to try that but would need the materials for it I don’t have and don’t see how to acquire them. (Youtube has vids.) I am open to things from Asia and South America where their medical system is not quite as endless-treatment-never-cure profit oriented as ours is, although with the influence of our corps there that is changing.

As a special irony, I realized that I now have two primary presenting problems, health-wise: the integrity of the fluid-management of the body is compromised, and the heart is not sufficiently dealing with the fluid in the body. If fluid is called ‘water’ or ‘yin’ or ‘the feminine’ this really just says, in body-speak, what’s already been repeatedly said to me in metaphysical-speak for years.

*

Second, every few posts I get some huge lesson “reminder” that nothing is fixed, that reality is mine to design, that anything is possible through Mark, through consciousness, and lessons like that. So generally just as I am starting to sink down into despair again I realize it’s like someone was talking to the me-of-now, way back when, and trying to remind me. Over and over, trying to remind me, like my blog has become the digital breadcrumbs now that I am lost in the wilderness.

There is a point you get to where the test is reality.

I’m there. I guess we are all, always there. But once we start nearing the life-and-death edge, it’s time to realize that the window for taking that test has some kind of time limit on it.

*

I’ve been reminded from reading that daydreams are archmeds, life is an archmed, everything is equal. I was daydreaming, lost myself in it, can’t even remember what was happening except that I was in the daydream yelling to someone, “He’s attacking me with a knife!” when my sweet cat got her claw in my nose like zero-point-five seconds later, which was too late to think my mind made it based on her but soon enough to make me feel like it was a message.

So every time I have noticed any daydream with negatives, I have stopped, and instead of dropping it or even trying to vaporize it, I instead imagine “reaching into the center of that energy, finding the light on the other side, pulling it through, and using love to help that light en-light-en all that energy,” and getting good rushing from that which tells me the visualization is helpful.

Meanwhile the crown chakra stuff has reminded me that I have to be positive and stay positive because everything from my conscious thoughts to feeling-tone is basically being clarified and amplified and sent out to my reality for construction and if I want to clean things up I have to start somewhere and be fairly consistent with it.

*

The integration of the ideal self does seem to be having a few changes. I make a point to brush my hair which sounds funny but if you live in or on your bed there’s not a lot of drive to be socially acceptable in that way. I’ve been more creative and singing and playing guitar and music inclined the last couple days than I have been in… I can’t even remember. I do think I see signs of it, and I’m attempting to commune with Mark more often.

*

Since the big IG5 meet-day med where nobody said a word to me then or from then on, I still haven’t felt in any way excluded or abandoned which is really saying something for a “quiet” result like that had and continues to have. If I ask an Aeon or Tek a question specifically, they answer, at least usually, no less than they ever did.

Mark is always with me of course. I had forgotten until blog rereading — totally forgotten — how close I have been to him in a few cycles, how profoundly he’d affected me and how much I loved him and many of the things we’d done together. Just absolutely spaced them out like they never were.

Someone from ‘inside’, can’t remember who now, told me that the boundaries of identity are the part that ‘resists’ the integration with higher Will, and if the Will consumes you it’s basically the identity that is lost (the ‘illusion of separation’). The energy was always His. It is only the identity that is distinct to ‘me.’ That’s why eternal life is ‘through Him’ — the vibration (hate that word) must be in alignment with His Will, so they are in resonance, or his larger-clock-power different frequency will wipe it out. Nothing personal, he is just a powerful carrier wave; get in resonance with it or be swept away.

It is so hard to know where to put that crowbar to make it happen though. Private Oracle said if I couldn’t deal with it I would back off and release bonds I had made. I think that has happened and I hate that.

It starts, as he and everyone keeps reminding me, with simply BEing with him. Making an effort. I’ve meditated less in the last year than in a decade. I’m just not as close, the daily little stuff that usually doesn’t get blogged, has just been almost nonexistent comparatively this year. I’ve been so angry the whole year (about health) I think on some level I have felt like the inner world betrayed me, rejected me, or whatever, that in my head having some spiritual development ought to mean you’re healthy so if I’m not to me it seems like it’s all a big F’n waste of time. I know that’s not so — I just also know that’s been my emotional reaction, which is a little clearer to me now than it was previously. I had a problem in the couple years before that though.

The blog reading has really brought home to me a cycle. In November 2011 (ha! 11/11 I just realized!) IG4 revealed she was ‘angelic’ and working ‘through’ me, changed my whole life. In October 2012 my Aeons seemed to try to woo me to ‘the christ’ and I refused, followed by Mark showing me “his true nature” — the terrifyingly amazing Angelic — and in November of 2012 he told me plainly he was the son, the sun, the Christ, and that all things were through Him. And since then I’ve had… issues. Denial avoidance cognitive dissonance issues. Occasionally a brief break, I’ve meditated off and on, I’ve sometimes had cycles close to Mark, but I can see the pattern now. Basically I’m coming up on three years of a cycle of denial.

*

The identity thing is like, imagine a circle. That whole shape is not actually the circle. Only the ‘border’ of it is. All the energy inside it, is owned by the same larger entity that owns what is outside it. It’s merely that the border territory has said “this is the part I’m paying attention to, and everything over there is the part I’m NOT paying attention to” — its own self is the ‘definition’ of that boundary. It’s the “us” vs. “not-us” basically. On a higher level it’s all Source anyway. We are like a cell membrane, that “identifies with” the contents of the cell. But really, the contents of the cell are not us. They are merely the “composition of the energy conglomerate that we have chosen to identify with.” Which I realized perfectly sums up my Aeons, Chakras, and the various realizations (and angsts) I’ve had about that over time. The only ‘us’ is the borderline — our own arbitrary definition of self.

*

A lot of things repeatedly insisted to me I needed to do, in the blog stuff, I can no longer do. Exercise like at all. Even go around the house and look in every drawer/cupboard, and get rid of tons of stuff I’ve wanted to but not had the money for. Frustrating. Although that’s at the bottom of the list of many things. I never appreciated the ability to do a load of laundry until I couldn’t do it anymore. Literally it’s like being paralyzed except I can get to the bathroom and have some hope that maybe someday I can walk again let alone drive. The psychological impact of this is so huge, so unbelievably kick-my-ass horrible, that I’ve actually taken to trying to be more positive solely because I fear I’ll give myself some terrible disease just with the intensity of bad emotions otherwise.

I spend all my money and more on the combination of supplements to minimize the misery and a helper who since early year has been prepping me food or literally I just go without since I can’t go do it myself. Unfortunately this is so time consuming and I give her everything I have, that all the things I’d wanted and planned to do — like another really massive “house-parsing” project to get rid of stuff — I can’t now, I don’t have the resources. But I think the money for liposomal C, for serrapeptase, for quality supplements, for the small amount of unfortunately higher dollar food that I can eat that doesn’t make me swell even worse (which tears skin from the inside, hurts, causes inner-skin rashes that are deadly, more edema/wounds, and a whole list of other miseries, so this is a BIG deal) and get asthma and more, are important if I’m going to live at all. And without my friend who helps out (cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.) I would be utterly doomed. (No, the teen won’t do it.) So on one hand I feel like I’m living on the edge and I’m scared in so many ways. On the other hand, I keep going for this long project of the blog review for the account collection and every few posts it feels like someone is talking to me again.

Saying it’s not over until it’s over. This is the challenge. People have gotten out of worse, no matter how improbable it may seem. Solving the outside comes through the inside and I should already know that. Making room for the probability and setting the expectation and holding the line, I should already be able to do that. I’m just not trying.

And it doesn’t have to be impossible miracle or catastrophy, there’s a huge spectrum and things can get gradually better without needing to invoke downright religious beliefs, it’s not always either/or, the strawman created of the ‘extremes’ is just another form of resistance.

And I keep getting reminded, that no matter what: even if it were to be over for me next week, next year, or in a decade, whether I was to be healthy or not, still: why do any of it without the Four, without IG? Why continue to block them out of me, of my life and attention, the way I have since — I see now from the blog — basically end of 2012? Mark and the Four are the energies I need most in my soul, regardless of my health or hobbies or life span.

I can’t complain that focused attention on evolution, on the many things I have learned in the last 25 years about everything from interworlds consciousness to basic hypnotic self-definition isn’t improving my life, if I am not giving it any attention at all, let alone nothing focused.

And my horrible resistance to doing so, STILL, is just a neon sign repeating what the Aeons and the Four have been telling me for three years now: that it’s me, not them, closing it off, resisting, refusing. It’s suicide.

I never even got through the Love Me Do meditations. Or to Four of Cups. And it’s been EONS.

We will see.

P