Off and on since my last blog post, I’ve been working on just “centering” and allowing myself to feel that the 3rd, or all the rest of the Four, are part of me, and just holding that for a bit. Did a brief eon round to say hello to the rest of the team. Mellowed out some. Not much. :-)
I notice that this focus makes me feel differently though. I finally came up with a way to articulate it when talking with my best friend last night. It’s something like this: have you ever had a phase where you are more ‘aware’ than usual, and you really want to focus on what is positive and you really feel how things affect you inside, and you are holding your energy fairly closely, you are not talking as often, and you are focusing more on things which “matter” instead of trivia.
…And then you run into some friends who are jabbering on about moronic inconsequential stuff, and there is all kinds of negative focus in them and/or in media around you, and they really want you to join them. And part of you wants to join them, join that music, whatever. But you know that you have to sacrifice the awareness if you do. Because you can’t giggle over stupid stuff, laugh at crude jokes, and watch bad media, and be assaulted by loud rock or beat music, and hold that precious state of mind. They can’t co-exist.
And yet, if you stay in that state of mind, your friends think you are no fun, or think that you are judging them not good enough, or think you are unhappy.
This often happens to me with my kid, when I just can’t get into the latest story about family guy, south park, sponge bob, or her equally stupid friends, no matter how much I want to pay attention and listen to her (I usually do, but it takes huge self control). I feel like not only can I not absorb all that, but that it does me actual damage of some kind to even try. That this is just not positive in my focus. Of course, no matter how gently I try to evade this, it never ends well, socially.
The Four feel a little like that. Like… like when they are with me, I feel that who I am, is … bigger. Like, I AM. Trivia feels… trivial. Assaultive music feels… assaultive. It’s not that anything changes in other words, it’s just that I feel more… grounded, part of something… thicker. There really aren’t any words for this, it’s pitiful even trying.
Sometimes I wonder if I am a creature. I only look like a person on the outside, still. I wonder how much weirdness can go on in my head, and how much “universal translator” I can play, and how much blending of identities I can do, before I’m officially not entirely what we call human. If my body is always human does that give me a lifetime free pass, I wonder.
But it makes me seem more serious. It’s not that I am less lighthearted. It’s that I am just not amused by the same… level of things. It’s like I am sharing a perceived reality with the people around me, but really, I’m not sure we are sharing that much at all. We may seem to be overlapping, but it’s some kind of illusion. It’s like we’re all dreaming but they don’t know it. Sort of.
I feel a stronger sense of wonder about myself. About what I am meant to be, what has meaning to me, what I feel inside about major questions.
Oh, and it keeps repeatedly coming into my mind: Why did they die for me?
I had an experience years ago that wiped me out, a crucifixion-style experience with the Four. Eons later I wrote it down and bawled all through that. Yet more eons later I posted it here on my blog with some old stuff and bawled helplessly again. I found it a week or two ago searching for something else, only read a little of it, remembered it, and bawled again! I mean good God, what has THAT much emotion behind it??
Yet spontaneously off and on for the last several days, sometimes when ‘centered with them’, I will just suddenly think: why did they die for me? As if the answer, if I knew it, would unlock something critical.
I made a date. I centered. I called the Private Oracle. I even wrote it down in front of me so if I spaced out I would be reminded and could keep on. Private Oracle! I said. Why did they die for me?
I only got silence. Just talking to myself in the dark I guess.
P
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