Unresolved

I’d previously had a dream, which I chanced on when looking for a quote on the blog yesterday, that I got clearly at the time I needed to meditate on. Not just that it was a little thing but that it was symbolic of something much deeper, a big thing. An energy thing I was somewhat oblivious to what was affecting my whole life.

So today I took off work at a mere 7:30pm — I had planned 5pm, but better than the usual 3am, right? — and lit some incense and put on some binaural sounds and meditated.

Or rather, attempted to meditate. I was reminded of some yogi I once read who said if Western bodies were as uncoordinated as their minds most people would be lucky to make it across the street alive. A really ridiculous amount of avoidance, straight into thoughts about anything else, continued for nearly two hours. On the bright side I didn’t fall asleep, so that’s something.

I did ask for the archetype most ideal to help me with this meditation. Curiously he reminded me a little bit of every positive inner-world relationship that I have, kind of simultaneously. I wondered if I should just have this request ‘on tap’ for every meditation. Even if it were nothing more than a projection of self I could talk with that would have real value.

I was thinking about how I know IG can do so much more with me. She shared the tiniest piece of her perspective one day, and all of our interaction was like this miniscule little spot in this vast realm of possibility. All my wild oh-wow experiences were like, all locked into this corner smaller than a postage stamp. If only I would open up. If only I knew how. If only I would allow. I wished I had a way into that larger reality with her.

I griped that I am feeling so old lately. I know serious work burnout and sleep deprivation is part of that, but I feel as if there’s only so much more time I’ve got here in this focus-reality, and I just don’t know that I can get done in it all the things I need to, want to get done, in terms of energy integration.

I finally got serious, again, and I closed my eyes and let IG do something with me, and I was standing in some foliage, with beautiful smelly flowers like a magnolia tree around me. I started to find my way out, then remembered you don’t walk into or reach into anything or anyplace you can’t see or sense, and I sent out my ‘sense’ like a 360 degree radar sweep to find anything of interest to me, good or bad. I found a few things but none close and none dangerous. So I stepped out into a clearing and I could feel that I needed to close my eyes again and ‘let it be’ and give IG a chance.

As I did, I started to realize something. That I’m really… shallow. And polarized. I don’t mean this in a bad way, just a realization about myself way, more objectively.

I mean like, I want stuff to be totally autonomous to help deal with my neurosis about over-doing imagination. And I expect everything to ‘be’ something promptly, like I’m just supposed to hide my eyes like a child’s peek-a-boo and when I remove my hands, IG will have magically arranged a “something” that I will then interact with. Something pre-manufactured. Spoon fed. A little package. The CRV of jungian meditation, you might say. I sensed that my interest in the offbeat and novelty was a little bit helpful since it did open my mind to more than it might be otherwise, but it was still a tiny little straightjacket.

I had some spontaneous memories, like a slideshow of various meditation experiences. Recurring things I had not understood before. How I did this and then that. How something looked like so, then I felt I should so I turned away and gave it a moment then turned back for whatever it might have become. I began to grok something.

I’m supposed to work with her. Not like I’m a child and she’s got to present everything complete to me like she’s making me dinner and plating it and cutting it into pieces for me. Because she isn’t working with “things.” She is working with ENERGY. And how I interpret that is a variable of even the moment. I could feel that how I might interpret something, the form and dynamic it took for me, the labels and mental models and database of understanding and how all that worked out, wasn’t just variable to me versus someone else. It’s variable to me just like a viewing session is: it is always different. My body, my mind, my environ, so much is involved and it is a completely dynamic, ever-novel situation.

The energy and my interaction with it needs adjusting on the fly. Energy she can begin with, may have a certain quality, and she and I together, actually need to work together to find a model that works for me. And not just once up front, but as-we-go.

I need to quit expecting that all this should be pre-packaged by her up front and that’s it.

More to the point, I need to quit expecting that “it has to surprise me or it doesn’t count.”

I need to take responsibility for being an active participant not just in a “I have learned to interact with what is there” way but in an “I have learned to be an active part of working out what is there.”

I could feel that it is my fear and frankly my ego and my neurosis about “not wanting to make stuff up” that has been part of keeping me in this little box. Like anything I might do doesn’t really count. It only counts if something ‘else’ seems to do it, and ideally, surprises the crap out of me so I can be honestly surprised.

Surprise is nice. But I’m not a child anymore. I’m not a beginner, and I’m not simple. I’ve been part of this long enough that I should be taking responsibility for being part of the self-discovery, “integration” process.

I also got a reminder of what one of my IG’s taught me as he left me. To feel inside me to feel if something is working. That even if things change perceptually in that environ you still need to feel inside you to feel your relationship with things, and their nature.

I realized I have quit doing this, and just tend to accept things as they show up, very shallowly based on whatever seems obvious.

Something that looks like a paper cut-out can have incredible power. Random cubes in the air can be profoundly affective. While seemingly huge things like monsters or whatever may not be quite such a big deal. What matters is more about how it FEELS than the imagery.

The imagery exists partly as a vehicle, my interpretation of something. My brain is not exactly cosmic on the surface level, so a lot of times it’s got to get condensed, or symbolic or abstracted, to fit the models my brain has available at that moment. If I don’t work based more on ‘feel’ than on visual models–those matter too, but it’s at least as much feel–then I limit everything to a rather two-dimensionality, to the limits of my surface-memory, when this is so much more.

I remember observing that about myself in viewing, so how much more in work like this?

I had the worried feeling the end-result of this would be a growing sense, in blogging, of someone who was just making-shit-up, as well as seeming slightly stupider. I also had the feeling of … not ‘disapproval’ but something I might translate to that in my own realm, I think from the Four. That the blogging is supposed to help me. Help me objectify it, articulate it, fork it out of myself, and for godssakes reread so I can remember, since it’s totally gone if I don’t reread, and repeatedly at that. The moment it becomes some kind of ego sandtrap, where the blog itself limits what I can do internally, then it has outlived its use.

I realized this was true, and I was a little embarrassed. I let go of that. So if I talk to myself because I’m just so retarded sounding nobody else can stand it, fine. If it were for others the posts would be a helluva lot shorter.

So after all that, I was just standing there with the arch-helper next to me.

OK IG, I said with a shrug. Show me what ya got!

And I got: it’s a dynamic. Dynamic uses ‘form in motion’ to demonstrate, usually. There was something moving, vertical shape, with a projection slightly curved sticking out near the top horizontally, and the whole thing was turning about 60% of the way around, and stopping abruptly like too soon and a little jerky, and then moving back, again and again.

I understood this was my first test of sorts. My job was to “find (feel) the form that “matches” the feel of the energy. In other words, find or make something that my brain can work with, which allows the energy to manifest as well as it can, while also allowing ‘personalization’, or my brain a ‘handle’ on it.

I let myself relax. What might fit? A few machines came to mind and I tried them out, some mechanical lever or arm sticking out, in sort of imagination-lite. Nope, not that. I tried some people moving oddly like that. Nope, not that. My mind went through various ideas, discarding them quickly. It got to something like a mannequin, and that felt closer than anything so far, so I dropped that in place and then ‘felt’ for what else. It shifted into a ballerina like a larger than human-sized version of the little plastic ones on a spring in little girly jewelry boxes. She was on one toe and one leg was curved around her in a spin and one arm was curved, sticking out, it worked quite well. She was of course like ten feet tall.

She was missing large pieces of self. I could see them around us. part of her head, pieces of her body. I got them and put them on her and merged them with her so she would be whole again. Then I watched her stilted turning attempt, and I disconnected her from the base and laid her down on soft moss, then I took the cover off this big round flat base she had stood on, and looked into it.

I felt it again. That I should be ‘feeling’ and I wasn’t. That I should be letting this ‘become’ (as a verb) interactively, not just expecting some picture and of course, some picture that would make sense in context.

So I closed my (inner) eyes and ‘felt’ inside the big flat rounded base, to feel the shapes or dynamics inside. I could ‘feel’ a ton of gunk and junk and blockages that were why she could not turn all the way around. I could also feel that there were other things and I needed to help them ‘be’. I ‘allowed’ myself to feel up in the left upper area of it and I could feel this perfect sphere, maybe 4 inches in diameter. It was just one of the shapes in there. I could feel a variety of stuff.

I felt one thing near the middle, disturbing, and I looked and it was this horrible rotting putrid terrifying ‘section’ of stuff, literally “sectioned off” from the other things in the base somehow as if by a molded form in the base itself. I called in Tek and we dissolved that crap and cleaned it out, then I felt better.

It occurred to me that this might represent body stuff, and then it occurred to me that there is no reason why ‘body’ meditations have to be over-there while other meditations are ‘here’. If we live in the body of our beliefs and we’re working with belief systems, then why shouldn’t they regularly interact?  I realized that is another belief system in action. That the energy work is in door #1 and the body work is in door #2 and . . .

I realized that the meditation on the base is going to be a meditation on _several_ things — each shape/thing in there. I sighed, at the extra work. Then I realized I should be glad, it was an opportunity.

And I realized another thing: that my mind naturally for example sees this 4″ sphere and thinks I’ll be meditating on that. When in fact, if I am using “feel” instead of “assumption based on visual,” this thing might grow to the size of a blimp by the time I’m working with it. It could morph into something else. I could look into it and it turns out to be an eyeball. God only knows. The thing is, THERE ARE NO RULES. I mean damn, you would think I of all people know this, such variety of experience I have, and yet I am suddenly realizing that everything I have done so far has been like walking down some pre-made path following the careful map of someone else’s paint-by-number plan.

It must have been the state of mind, because I started realizing other things at the same time. Things in life.

My right eye felt a little dry and I dismissed this, with the observation I had just used eye drops some time before, which is already twice today and I normally don’t use them at all, so surely I’d already had enough. I mean I had dismissed this and had to ‘rewind’ and realize what I had done. I had just come to some complete dismissal of myself for some ridiculous reason that had no basis in anything useful. What, like there’s some cosmic rule about how many times you should use or need eye drops?

I started sensing, like a collage, the variety of things I am always ‘assuming’ about, dismissing, for no good reason whatever.

Belief systems and even just sheer habit, held without bothering to be aware of it, that causes me to mold, reshape, misinterpret, dismiss, invalidate, and otherwise screw with my reality experience _constantly_ in ways both big and small.

So the meditation is still unresolved. I still have everything I left there in the base to do, and anything else that comes up.

But I feel like I had this whole little side-step into a fragment of realized-awareness about myself and my process. I have been wishing I knew the ‘doorway’, the key, to getting somewhere closer to the “larger arena of probability” that IG could work with me in. I knew that my little corner was limited. And I know I still have no real idea how much so.

But already I get it a little more. I suddenly see so much more clearly how incredibly assuming and simplistic I have been. How there could be a much larger dimension of me working with IG — like a grown up, haha — and taking an active part in seeking out, feeling out, working with things ever-novel.

We’ll see. I hope to get back to the rest of that actual meditation itself, before long here, hopefully tonight or tomorrow morning.

P