I’ve had the card sitting out, “bringing the energy into my reality to begin,” for awhile now. I keep procrastinating. Last night I had the fan on and noticed it was ruffling the card a bit and I turned the fan so it wouldn’t do that, in part because I didn’t want it to end up on the floor, and in part in some sudden, Hindu-prayer-wheel superstition that energy flowing over it continuously like that would be a constant re-invoking of the energy of the card. You see, this is what enough of this kind of meditation does, makes one such an animist that nothing seems impossible anymore.
Before I went to sleep last night I saw that the card was in a completely different place. Closer to me and on its side put between two things. Obviously my kid must have done it for reasons beyond me but I felt it was a hint on some level of self-created reality. But I was feeling emotionally angry and in denial last night and instead chose to curl up in the dark with loud, numbing music. I’ve been depressed at times lately, feeling like my job has eaten my life and like I’ve lost or am losing my other projects, my friends, my associates, my hobbies, and my teen as a result of it.
So this morning, late in the morning, I decided to do it. First I put on some binaural stuff. I couldn’t get my daydreams to stop or my brain to shut up until the tones ended and I realized it was over. So I started over, and the same thing happened again.
Every time I got ‘aware’ suddenly it was because of this major abreaction in my right hip/buttock and foot. So consistently I concluded that this was someone’s (IG’s maybe?) way of pulling my attention back.
I started over sitting up more without any sound and just focused-in. IG, help me I whined a bit, and my sense-of-reality dissolved around me and resolved to another world that I recognized by “feel” more than sight: This is the land of the Prince, I remembered hearing the first time I was there. I believe it was one of the earlier cards of the disks series.
I had the instant impression of ‘industry’ overlapping the sense of ‘iron and forge’ followed by the sense of simply a nicer world in terms of nature and the health of the earth, like I imagine ours was at one time when horses and iron were our idea of advanced technology.
So I relaxed and decided to find and meet the archetype. Would it be a person like the other court cards or something else? Who knows.
“O Prince of Disks,” I began, and there he was, right in front of me, close to me. Yep, he was a person. And he was fine, I could feel. He wasn’t ill or injured like other archs, he wasn’t weakened or whatever.
I had the realization that (a) he is really very powerful, he is a huge chunk of energy of the universe — a collection of energy assigned a title — and (b) that he is everywhere in me already. I mean that’s a given but most of the time I feel separated from the archs as if I need to ‘do’ something to resolve what amount to my resistances or whatever.
Before what I wanted to say about the meditation could fall out of me, I told him I honored him and was grateful he was so ‘present’ and would communicate with me. I asked if I could do the normal 4-elements work with him and he nodded slightly. So I stepped closer and I took his hands and I imagined the ‘water of love’ raining torrentially upon us. Nothing. No change in him, and no feelings in me. That’s unusual. I imagined the ‘light of love’ shining all the way through us, drying out and solidifying and loosening anything in us that needed released. There was this very tiny thing somewhere in the center of his head. I had a big area in the middle of my head, and then I felt/saw this cracking as this band of energy from my head all the way down my spine reacted to the light. Then the ‘wind of love’ that ‘blew out’ anything affected by the light, and all the parts of me affected blew out of me. Then the ‘earth-chemicals of love’, a thick gel that flowed over and through us completely, nothing at all happened there (don’t tend to get much on this one but very rarely).
There didn’t seem to be that much to ‘do’ with him. Finally, I put my arms around him and imagined us merging, and I got about 10 full breaths of some rushing from that, but not the normal kind. Not so much the feeling intense in body that is of ‘merge’, but rather, the sense, conceptually and visually and more, with a ‘rushing-lite’ you might say, that the process was “lighting up” all the parts of me and my reality which were him. It was like uncountable trillions of motes of energy that were present in everything and everybody and every part of my body and reality.
I had a realization during this: he lives through me. That simultaneous to MY life experience, HE as an identity was having a certain life experience that was based on the conglomerate of all the parts of me and my reality that were him (and every other creature/thing in the world in that way, as well).
This understanding was such a total overlap of simultaneous experiential realities (to which I am oblivious normally) that it nearly broke my brain and I quit thinking about it hastily. I finished out the energy until calm again. And then I thought I had better blog it before I forget.
(I kept seeing the letters CNM or CMX or something like that, during this med, but I have no idea why or what they mean. I had them clearly earlier but I forgot.)
P
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