I was on a roll, of sorts. I got up and made some Toastez spread as we call it — I am going to have to break down and buy a bread machine for gluten-free bread, carbs be damned — and tossed it in the fridge in a ziploc along with the gluten-free cookie dough I’d tossed in earlier, for later. I fed the cat and other minor things and got back to meditating.
Center me… the laser-like clarity of a superstring goes through the precise center of me, through crown and kundalini, and goes through the center of the earth, and up through the center of the universe.
I focus with the 3rd for awhile. I miss and love him so much lately. I know Nero would tell me this is the surface-translation of a somewhat different emotion internally, but similar in ‘relationship’. I think to myself that wanting him is probably a good thing, emotionally, as it probably does pull me closer to him in attention.
I sadly wonder if I will ever feel that I have found a man who carries that energy, and then wonder if I could ever marry anybody I felt didn’t. I refocus on the Four.
It occurs to me that to some degree, when I do this, when I sit calmly with the 3rd or with the Four, that in a way what I am doing is gaining rapport with the single-identity which is the ‘joined’ aspect of he and me, or me and them. I found that curious, as it reminded me of the concept of ‘Taking on a Godform’ in ceremonial magick.
The joined identities above are vastly more … ‘evolved’ for lack of a better word, than I am — much ‘larger’ and more ‘aware’ — they are as closed to godforms as anything could be, I suppose, even though on the sole recent occasion when I perceived them (the uppermost only peripherally) I had a sense of a ‘being’, e.g. if it were human it wouldn’t surprise me, it’d just be a very different… result than the ones (humans) I know locally.
I asked IG to meditate on the archetype of The Sun as represented by the Thoth Tarot card I have here, and then asked her to please rephrase my request in whatever way was most ideal for me as she knows best, and I closed my eyes and waited for her to surprise me. As if it is a contest to see if she can.
But she doesn’t “do” anything that I notice, I just see this man walking toward me, and I turn to him and realize we’re in a spring meadow of little wildflowers with nothing but meadow as far as I can see in every direction.
It’s the Sun. I know him. I used to meditate with him a lot back in the day, back when I really had some major reality-shifts going. The Sun can be in any form, of course, and any gender, but my favorite was this tall man with golden hair and a big smile.
He always seemed very wise to me, and very calm yet always amused in the most positive way of permanent good-humor. “It’s you!” I say to him, and I throw my arms around him and hold onto him for awhile, before stepping back to look up at him.
“Are you the same via Tarot as via internal ‘planet’ work?” I asked, surveying him critically, looking for differences.
“Mostly, but not entirely,” he says.
“I missed you so much!” I gush at him, and throw my arms around him again.
I feel like crying suddenly. Not in a bad way, but in the way where, when something really good happens, or ‘moves’ you, suddenly all that repressed dark stuff under the surface wants to vent out of the new opening.
“You know,” I gush at him, “that time when you took me to this place inside my own archetypal world, and it was so mind-blowingly real, and you ‘radiated away my fears’ and I really felt it in my chest, and I was just gaping in conscious amazement over how detailed and REAL it all was to me as it went along — I just want to tell you, that changed me, I think that experience is part of what made it possible for me to stay with archetype work, that really kicked my left-brain’s ass so to speak and helped cement the reality of this stuff for me, and — and I just want to say thank you.”
He smiled down at me, and took my hand and we started walking across the field. Shortly we arrived at a small hot-air balloon basket and got in and we lifted off. I just beamed up at him, feeling like a little girl with a long-lost father or something.
Which is probably why I just couldn’t shut up for some reason, I just kept gushing on.
“So it’s weird how you like, feel like an ENTITY to me,” I said. “You know, like I can talk to you and all, and I know that’s like some fragment of my mind of course, but still, even though you’re an archetype, you just — you feel like an entity to me, you always have.”
“I am,” he says.
“But — but you’re just an *archetype*,” I reminded him. “If you’re an entity, then what would be the difference between you, and between identities like say my Aeons, and between identities like say, my coworkers?”
“There is no difference, in that regard,” he says.
This stumps me, and we rise in silence for awhile. “But the sun as an identity, and you as my archetype of the sun as an identity — these are slightly different though right?” I say. “One is… the consolidated energy and one is… my relationship with that energy… er, sort of…”
“Close enough,” he says quietly.
I look over the edge and notice we are ridiculously high, and I wonder how high we will go. What if I fell? I would die, that high. Then I remember I’m in my head. I can’t die in my head, surely.
“But I would for you,” I gush at him more solemnly now, wide-eyed and feeling suddenly very emotional again. ” It is an honor just to be with you. You are… you are so amazing, so wonderful, so –”
“– are you God?” I finish with amazed curiosity. (Obviously I was in some altered state at this moment, as this is not a question I’d have in my normal state of mind!)
“As the Sun I am ‘A’ god,” he says with a smile, “in a sense for you [he meant 'you humans'], but not THE God.”
“So… you’re part of something larger too? You are still evolving?”
“Yes, of course.” I realized that the Sun is part of a solar system and galaxy and universe and… yes, of course. Maybe to me it is vast but in the larger scheme of things… he is just a cell in a big body, just like me.
“Did you… how did you get to be Sun?” I asked curiously. “Did you… evolve into that… awareness, that identity?”
“Yes, of course,” he says kindly.
“But — you mean — you mean like, uber-billion-trillion years ago you were some dude like me and then you… uh… got more aware and grew and then… eventually… you were the sun?”
He seemed to find this hilarious, but in a you’re-adorable way. “Something vaguely like that, yes.” But also I got from him, not in words, that vaguely-like-that meant, vaguely like that times about a bazillion of that to the Nth power, and THEN ‘he’ was the sun, and also the idea of the from-long-ago part was basically wrong.
It occurred to me that in a sense, this is like the Four. I wish to gradually share the larger perception of the identity which is me and the 3rd joined. And then the one which is the Four of us joined. And then… well, and then someday ‘we’ — as a singular identity — might realize we were something… bigger. But would we still be humans at the same time we were the joined identity at the same time we were whatever larger thing the multiple joined identities were?
“…At the same time?” I asked him the last half of the question in my head. “Did you evolve from eons ago to the point of now? Or is it all actually going on at once? Like there are identities in my world that someday will be a sun — or even part of the ‘you’?”
“Time is not a factor in this,” he said. “All identities are one, and not. In your terms, all “will be” one. Including the one that you would call me. And larger ‘ones’ than me.”
“When a sun goes nova, is it a death, or a rebirth?” I asked curiously.
“There is no difference,” he said.
I noticed that our basket had passed the moon. The moon!
Planets were gradually going past as we sped into space, toward the sun.
“You realize that we are now in the DARK,” I pointed out to him with a grin.
“There is lots of light,” he said, smiling.
“It’s pitch black and we’re floating through space surrounded by stars!” I pointed out. “It’s dark!”
“There is lots of light,” he corrected me. “Just because YOU can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”
“Oh,” I said, suddenly thinking of x-rays and so on and wondering just how different the same world would be to a creature that perceived in different frequencies like that.
I remembered the previous archetype and how, when it passed to night, I saw how “the color left everything” and how odd that seemed, that it wasn’t merely about ‘moving into dark’ but rather that literally ‘all things lost their color’ in that state. It’s hard to explain why that seemed profound and important. I realized I had forgotten to blog that point.
We were passing planets. “Ganymede is an identity, just like a person but way bigger in awareness, did you know?” I asked Sun, only to realize that — doh. Of course he knows. He is grinning at me.
“Well *I* think he is a PLANET regardless of whether Jupiter is not a sun — anymore, if you believe the plasma theorists.” He smiles down at me and humors me. “Yes. Ganymede is definitely a planet.”
We float a bit more. “I feel like there are millions of things I should ask you but I don’t know what,” I complain. I look at him sideways. “Would it be wrong of me to pray to you?” I ask.
“It would be right of you to talk to me,” he says.
“Would it be… like, assumptive, interruptive, whatever, of me to bug you with my issues or wishes?” I asked, feeling small suddenly.
“Not at all,” he says, and he tightens his hand on mine.
“Could you help me… be more of the larger me, let go of fears and distortions and blocks, stuff like that? Will you?”
“Yes.”
I think to myself for a moment. “Is there an archetype that would be better suited to that than you?” I ask, feeling very smart for having thought up this question.
“All your archetypes, including your planets and your tarot symbols, will be useful to you in your goals,” he said. “I can help with that request.”
I had the feeling that was the only answer I’d get out of him on that topic. He wasn’t going to ‘compare’ in other words.
And then I started sobbing, I swear I was such a nut in this meditation, just sobbing like crazy and gushing on and on about how I could FEEL all the darkness in me suddenly, as if standing with him and nothing else around was somehow highlighting the parts of me that “blocked the light,” and I could feel them like iron bars and layers of mud and all kinds of other things that seemed to take on shapes and textures and colors and geometric forms, and I pleaded with him to help me release this stuff and cleanse this stuff and so on, and then I pleaded with him to help me “Let Go” as the Private Oracle recommended, to really allow myself vulnerability, to really allow the Aeons and the Four and everything else I need to ‘grow’ into, into me. I sobbed with such heart wrenching pain it was ridiculous.
Then I realized that I was done crying, and I’d had my eyes open the whole time, staring at the wall, but was totally oblivious to that, I felt so close to him. I dried my eyes.
“Do you have anything I could wear on or in my body that would help me better absorb your energy?” I asked him. He put this low belt on me, several strands of solid ‘golden light’ like a woven ring, that had no clasp it was just the same all around. It sat down on my hips and I found it delightful. It reminded me just a little of the grid-like ring in the Universe card, the arch I’d just done previous.
We had arrived at the Sun now and we passed through the chaos as if it was a hologram.
“When I remote view what turns out to be the sun, it always seems dark, and ‘messy on the ground’ in my data,” I said, musing, wondering about that. I realized that this whole time, I had just been blurting out stuff to him, like I was a little kid that talked too much, like I was just so glad to be with him, and I wanted to share everything with him.
We were now inside the sun and it actually got darker until it was utter blackness but for one speck in the distance. It got closer and closer until I could see that it was a little wooden porch, with a door, and a doorframe. That’s all! Just floating in the void. That seemed novel.
Our balloon stopped and the basket door opened and we stepped onto the small porch. He took out a key (golden, what else?) and opened the door, and I had to go through sideways and then step backward in order to do it, due to it being so small, and as I stepped back, he closed the door and it vanished.
And we were in the field of flowers.
“Hey… this is where we started!” I said. “But why — how — what was the point — “ I stopped.
“We only did that so we could talk casually, without my left brain thinking we had to be DO-ing something, huh,” I said with a sigh at my own stupidity, and the efforts that IG and even archetypes have to go to, to get around my stupid neurotic doubting logical brain.
“Yes,” he grinned.
I just shook my head, and then threw my arms around him again for awhile, and then I kissed him, and he whispered into my lips after a minute, “Let go.” I let myself fall back, physically slowly onto my pillows behind me, and in my head into the air in a float, and I just floated there for a little bit. Then I recovered and said to IG, “He is so awesome!” and that was that.
My best friend is always telling me I need to do some positive archetypes and not just the ass-kicking trouble spots, so this was a good one.
Next up: Ace of Disks.
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