A year ago I had a dream. I blogged about it here, in a post called Mercenary.
It had three ‘new’ things for me, in it.
- The first was the clear understanding that the dream was a total fabrication of my imagination… but that it was absolutely true to the energy of something that, separately, was completely real. Why I just couldn’t dream whatever really happened I don’t know, but in terms of energy, geometry, whatever, the dream was true to the original.
- The second was that it was something I felt I got from a Larger (Rahleon): that he had looked into himself, of which I am a tiny part, and his greater insight had sort of “unlocked” this bound-up energy within me. (Now in my perfect world, he would have just FIXED IT and been done with it, heh.)
- The third was that I understood this was so powerful, so important, that it was having a profound, life-wide effect on me, similarly to the energy I worked out with Jared & El Nino, which miraculously cured what I felt had been my biggest psychological problem all my life (extensive chronic ‘artificial guilt’ as Seth called it).
So, anything THAT big a deal, boy I should meditate on that immediately and work through it! Right?
Riiiiiiiiight. I mentioned I had the dream a YEAR ago.
I couldn’t go near it. I’ve thought of it probably 200 times. I’ve thought yeah, man, I really need to meditate on that, right — but I didn’t mean it. I mean I knew it intellectually but I had no real intention of doing any such thing at that moment. “Someday.” Right.
*
Night before last it fell into my head again. I was lying comfortably in bed, ready to go to sleep. And for the first time I decided, “That does it. I’m going to DO this meditation.”
My entire left leg screamed in pain. I mean from my foot to my hip, like some kind of nerve effect, there was this single THROB of the most unbelievable pain!
I realized I was staring at the blanket–in the dark–with my eyes wide. What the hell!!
It came back again, a ‘pulse’ of intense pain. I couldn’t believe how bad it hurt! It actually hurt so bad it was less a specific place than a “field” of pain in that whole area, as if there was this brilliant red “cloud of pain” from hip to foot.
That instant response to a thought, when I am comfortable and I know it is nothing else but direct response to what is in my head, has happened before. Not on that big a portion of my body and not THAT painfully though.
I kind of gasped again at the pain and I moved a little to put my hip and leg in a slightly different position. It didn’t help at all. It just kept hurting like that, pain I haven’t felt to that degree in eons, I can’t even remember when. I kept trying slight shifts in position, to no avail.
I finally turned over on my right side, and started thinking cooling blue energy through my leg, trying to mellow it out some. It did mellow, gradually. I finally fell asleep.
*
The next morning, yesterday morning I remembered that insane pain. I talked to every potentially helpful inner-identity I know of and asked them to help me work through this energy, deal with it, release it or clean it up or whatever is best. With a couple of caveats about not ruining my financial life or health (I confess I have some doubts about them sharing my sense of priorities when it comes to juggling energy) I gave all my guides extra permissions and overrides to deal with it.
I asked Rahleon, even, which is the first time I have even tried to communicate with a Larger since the weird meditation where they all communed with the light-being that wears me and NOT ME. I haven’t directly communicated with any of them since, though I’ve had plenty of moments of irritation at all of them AND my solar-body angel about it. Yes I know it was for my own good. I don’t care. Anyway, I got no sense of anything from him at all.
I talked to Sun briefly, he is awesome. I meant to get to the meditation but didn’t.
Last night I went back, to do the meditation. I had the sense that a lot of change in me had happened during the day like under my radar. I asked Inner Guide — who by the way, I am completely unable to perceive at this time, as if she — like the Largers — is in some other universe I am no longer connected to. I just ignore that, figuring it’s my own fault for being so out of this so long, and pretend. I will fake it until my perceptual link to her returns.
Unfortunately I wasn’t able to really track anything. I got impressions at times like she was doing what she normally does for me but I just only perceived it in little flashes, which was totally unworkable. And a little frustrating. I fell asleep.
*
This morning I woke up from a dream that made me feel like it was also dealing with that energy. So I went back ‘inward’ and did a bunch of visualizations for ‘dealing with’ the energy. Still no sense of connection for them. I told all that energy to appear as the archetype of a man, and did a little tantric work with that, I thought that might have had a little effect but even that didn’t seem like so much.
So I came here to blog it. But I got a couple paragraphs above just to where I was typing about how I couldn’t perceive IG, when I realized that ‘under’ my vision was a clear visual of me engaged in doing something else. So I set aside my laptop and went into that.
I was behind myself and I was pulling out, slowly, this short little barbed bramble-like thing, from a wound in the skin just under my left shoulder blade. (Oddly, this is the infamous spot where I sometimes get massive itching and have a back scratcher and demand my kid help me because it just goes nuts sometimes. I would not have thought this had any relation to anything at all.)
The barb seemed almost like a combination of iron (I commonly get that symbol in problem energy in me) and an actual branch or bramble, which I think means it is a symbol of something more organic/naturally growing. I spent a few minutes, as each would rise a little to the surface, pulling out these little sharp hard things, like little geometries with points, along with blood and so on, rather visceral.
Finally, I got the normal reminder-to-self I get whenever something seems like a long job, a line from that movie Inception: Dream Bigger. So I put my hands over the left side of my back, and I imagined that all of that energy inside myself was fusing into one thing, and there was more than I thought it turned out, so it became this big long bar that went all the way down my back, down inside my left leg, etc. and I forced it to be ‘pliable’ so I could get it out with a curve, though it seemed like it was such a terrible wound in me where I was pulling it out. Then I pulled it slowly out of me until finally it was out and I put it aside in a stasis field with the other little things, and I put my hands over the body and worked to channel lots of good energy in to ‘fill up’ that space of where it had been. I got some rushing from that.
I scanned the body and the left leg still had something going on. I restructured the energy to just open itself and show me, and had a sense of that ‘iridescence’ I once had when asking for an archetype of my right leg (can’t remember why now). I could see this same kind of problem energy literally lying right in the core as if it were part of the bone or something, and I took it out completely, and healed it all up together, and dissolved the stuff in stasis.
*
I don’t really know how much good it did as I would normally get a lot more rushing from work like this especially if it were on something really major. But then I don’t know how much was taken care of before I even consciously got to it, given how many identities I called in to help a day before. But it seemed like IG was helping me there and I finally did feel like I could sense/see something and interact decently with it, so if nothing else that worked out well.
I’m profoundly overdue for the Princess of Wands who has been sitting on my table for eons, and my first ‘element’ med which has got to be Copper, and for actually getting to IG in the first place and just regularly spending time with her.
I have spent a lot more effort recently, focusing on being calm, grounding, etc.
I’m putting more effort into not working so much, although so far, this has mostly meant getting more sleep, starting later, stopping earlier, so it isn’t have much effect on my having time to do stuff in life, but it’s at least getting me a little more sleep.
One step at a time, I figure.
P
Later edit: I finally did this med. See Viru and Mal post. I had totally forgotten the experience in this (left-side of darkness) post until a day after that med when I just stumbled on it when updating the blog categories. Apparently the left leg still had issues!
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