I have found that:
  • → sincere prayer
  • → genuine intentions
  • → present-focus
  • → extended humor
  • → careful integrity
  • → constant work to discover and release all forms of bias in oneself
  • → dogged effort to pursue awareness, divine guidance and understanding
Leads a person to "interactive insight from the inside."

~~~
Consciously I want to evolve.
My ego resists strenuously.
I surreally "forget" so much!
So I blog for myself, mostly:
to re-read and remember.
~~~

People ask me where to begin with the complexity of the stuff on my blog. But my imaginal and related work spans 25 years as of 2016. So the real answer is "I don't know." I can't put all that in a sound bite. And one would have to understand, not just intellectually but experientially, a lot of it from start to middle to begin to understand where I am now. It is 'active imagination' work, resting on an extremely 'open' definition of archetype and energy, mapped at times to various occult patterns because they seem useful and otherwise just loosely personal; but that's not all. Short of how the blog speaks for itself that's about all I can say about it. It's a path I've built myself, for one. ~ Palyne


In the human spirit, as in the universe, nothing is higher or lower; everything has equal rights to a common center which manifests its hidden existence precisely through this harmonic relationship between every part and itself.
-- Goethe


Angels transcend every religion, every philosophy, every creed. In fact angels have no religion as we know it... their existence precedes every religious system that has ever existed on earth.
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

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In the beginning all was indivisible. And in becoming manifest, it became, seemingly, divisible. But the divisions must evolve to recognize themselves, and each other, and to then accept themselves, to truly know themselves by knowing each other. To begin, they are blended, confused; it is chaos, it is legion. They are all on the journey to indivisibility, to singularity, to the I AM. The point, of course, is not the destination, but the journey.

-- insight during the Princess of Disks meditation

Spiritual growth is like all other types: you absorb seemingly 'other' energy, and it becomes part of your own sense of identity. The growth is in awareness, and with that comes power which is always over Self.
Diversity is Legion;
Singularity is the I AM.
None of this is new although my approach to it is my own. -- Palyne



Inner Guide is Angelic. She is free of anything akin to doctrine. I call her an Angel because that is the only word I have for it, and because I know, all the way through me, that this is our word for her fundamentally divine nature. Aside from that, I don’t even know what she IS exactly, or what it means, or where it would fit into any model. She is life sized, soul wide, colors and gems and flowers and songs, everything beautiful that ever was, condensed into an identity I am completely in love with–except she feels like part of me too, so it’s like also being in love with yourself, and also with God, and also with the whole universe, both every tiny thing in your mundania, and ‘awareness’ as something so utterly, mind-bogglingly amazing — how could this exist? How could this not exist? How could I ever understand such a thing? — I am left only with joy, with awe.
-- on Inner Guide #4, aka 'Sedaena'. The first IG I had genuine conversation (and reading) with; the first real sign of my HGA.

He is so much inside and outside me, larger than me and yet the light of the tiniest particles of me, I don’t even have a word for whatever it is that he IS. I call him angelic and inner guide and the name he gave me because I have no idea what else to call this. It’s a Being and a Thing and an Event and a Place and a Relationship and… it’s like there is no label that is remotely big enough to encompass whatever it IS.
-- on Inner Guide #5, aka 'Mark.'


The boundary between the imaginational and imaginal is rather fuzzy and it is a developed skill and art to learn to stay there; to maintain your own autonomy while allowing the-others’ autonomy; to be shocked, astounded, grossed out, effused, and other surprise emotions from the interaction; all this without getting lost in the experience like a dream, yet also without pulling back to controlling the experience like a daydream. The former is being swept away by the river, and the latter is standing on the shore thinking about it; learning to walk the fine line of control and allowance to stay in that ‘imaginal realm’ actually takes practice. Crazy people think it’s all autonomous and happening ‘to’ them; people unable to allow this for themselves, may think it’s all imagination; and they’d both be right, because they are both lost; the goal is a whole world that bridges and encompasses both of those.

-- on "Interworlds Meditation"


Q: Where are you now?

Me: Well, back in my own reality.

Q: Wrong. You are in a reality version that distraction and denial have made for you.

Me: How do I get out?

Q: Wrong question. There is no space, there is no time. Where are you again?

Me: Oh. I’m wherever I "pay attention" to being.

Q: Right. You PAY attention. It is the currency of your soul. You rent your reality. Never forget that. The choice to move is yours.




Dealing with the unconscious has become a question of life for us.
The play of the imagination is incalculable.
~ Carl Jung

The imaginary can be innocuous, the imaginal never can.
~ Henry Corbin

A calling may be postponed, avoided, intermittently missed. It may also possess you completely. Whatever; eventually it will out. It makes its claim. The daimon does not go away.
~ James Hillman

There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there.
-- Albert Einstein


ABOUT ME


This blog documents much of my work in the "inter-worlds" of a greater-self. It's not just esoteric: every thing corresponds — the mundane, the arcane, the divine. If it had to be summed up you might say it is "a universe of personalization." A strange place where monotheism and ultimate-pantheism are one and the same.

I am a natural mystic, if spontaneous experiences determine such a thing. I am not religious in any way; only guidance from the inside drives me. No identities or models unless they are introduced to me from the inside. (Sometimes I use them simply for interest, or because their models are convenient doorways -- but I accept none of their doctrines.) I briefly studied theology at one point, independently (I consider constant prayer a valid part of edu too), and where it led me was "anywhere-else." It's fine for others of course. I consider the heart of free will to be that everyone has their own road. Or as Heinlein once wrote, the right to go to hell in their own handbasket.

This tends to make me obsessed with the divine yet not religious at all, in any form, which is often confusing to onlookers. I am ever in love with and in closer pursuit of integration with The Christ (which I consider a solar-planetary deity, exceeding and preceding all possible religion, though cyclically present within our species) but I'm not remotely a modern Christian, and this also tends to be very confusing to onlookers. I'm a student of archetypes and pattern systems, yet not a jungian intellectual - armchair philosophy bores me - nor a power occultist - which has its own issues (and uniforms) to say the least.

After nearly two decades of certain experiences I felt alone with and thought were unique to me, it turns out I find some harmony in the gnostic writings. I didn't get it from there, and am not fond of that doctrine and the paradigms it came in with, so I ignore it. Which means despite talking about just a few things specific to it (by unknowing accident until a few years ago), I'm not part of that model either.

The road I walk is my own. It doesn't really have an easy label or anybody else on it, that I can see. This is between me and God, so it doesn't really need to work for anybody else. I used to wish I wasn't the only person with such experiences or practices, and started a blog in part in the hope I might find others with something similar. Maybe a need for community. I'm over that now, at least I think. I walk alone, but Light is with me. Can't ask for more than that.

-- Palyne


When we understand that perception is as much about source as target; that energy is a spectrum and best psi perception comes from the center, its balance and blend; that the manifest communication of our Selves is the literal 'reality' we experience; that everything in that reality is a profound 3D language element; that insight with the ‘center’ of spectrum is likely to be via the language-symbols of 'reality;' that these need to be interpreted at the level they are received; this is the path for intentional psi.
-- Insight on the Art of RV

Aeons of Light (the Four)

Meeting the Four

In 1980, when I was 15 years old, I had one of the most impactive nightmares of my life. In it, I was in the basement of a hotel with my best friend, in a small room an elevator opened into. A car in that elevator from the highest point in the “impossibly tall” building came hurtling down with no brakes and crashed to the earth where I was. It contained three people, all with white-blonde hair and large blue slightly slanted eyes. There were two older, and one younger, a young man who was “for me,” I understood. I believed them to be dead. There was a strange liquid on the ground, a bare maybe half inch of it, and a smell I didn’t understand but that was overwhelming and seemed like burning. The whole dream was confusing, but it was the most traumatic dream I’d had since I was five years old, and I went through ‘cycles of trauma’ about it for years, despite having no idea what it meant.

In early 1992, I had a full-blown ‘vision.’ In the vision I was in a house that was in the sky and someone was trying to talk me into living there. Out the window I saw a gold — like metallic-gold — eagle flying, making sure I saw her, and when I realized she and I were focused on each other, I got a lot of body-rushing. I went outside and there was a large square mat with a woman on it who seemed to be fighting with a lion. And then the lion turned into a giant snake, and she was fighting that instead. People around were terrified and hiding their eyes. I leaped onto the mat to help the woman and found that I was in her or already her, and the snake and I rolled around and I realized: we’re dancing. We were only pretending to be in combat. I understood the snake was the lion and it was all very sensual. When the vision ended however it was the golden-metallic eagle that stayed with me most.

In late 1993, when I was 28 years old, I’d had a kundalini experience that did not go well, and I was struggling to make sense of a lot of chakra symptoms and reality anomalies.  I had a powerful vision. There was a man who looked just like the man who was “for me” in the teenage nightmare — except he had aged with me — and he was “claiming his power.” He and I were of one soul, but his energy in it was slightly larger, like he was a bit of a higher order of species. My perspective moved between his and my own. A few people were on a stage and then one became visible and placed a crown on his head and everything blew up purple. A human-sized crow stood to my left and narrated the whole thing for me. There was odd symbolism that showed up in my life then and later, such as “unrelated siblings in black cloaks who tried to bind me.” And then there was a river, and a woman who was also the Golden Bird, who gave him many great awards of recognition, gold metals on chains and he thought to himself, chains equals prisoner, right, and he only took a few and left the rest. There were gold masks of people on a river in boats, and a golden cloak so bright I couldn’t look at it.

The vision had a profound effect on me physically and psychologically. It brought together the vision from a year prior and my dream from my teens, but it also gave me a sort of answer to current angst I had about the oddness of my life, and I understood: All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as trust, but faith as an absolute commitment. And when you make the latter, you realize it is the former. Of course I had no idea what I’d committed to, or what anything meant, but I felt better.

In one vision, 3rd of 4 — the blonde man who was also ‘me’ somehow but larger — looked at me very closely and said to me very slowly, “I am Neshama.” Apparently this is a Hebrew word that means “soul.”

Interacting as part of the Four

Visions began to happen regularly then, starting with an introduction to three other identities which, with me, I came to call “The Four.” When the Four joined chakras, including those about a foot above and below the body, and it combined us and then expanded and my vision moved out, I was able to see we were the “Tree of Life in 3-D” like I’d seen a picture of in Regardie’s Golden Dawn book. I understood from them this was “The Universe” and that we summarized all of the energy of-our-type within it. I didn’t know what that meant exactly (it was more literal than I realized) but it seemed interesting enough. I honestly had no idea why I was having these experiences but they were positive so I accepted them.

Many of the visions had Egyptian symbolism, and I wasn’t really interested in that, so I didn’t understand it, but I loved the feeling of being with them for any reason. We would ‘merge,’ me and 3rd and separately, the 1st and 2nd, and then the entities (5th and 6th) that came from that, until we were one (7th), and then stuff would happen. In symbolism often this came through as two sets of two locks and we each had a key.

Meanwhile I dreamed “with” the 3rd of 4 constantly. He and I “are one” — one soul — and it was as if we lived in many different realities together, and we were always having adventures and learning. We Four were in the dreams but he and I were most of it.

Around this same time I was having anomalous experiences in what seemed another world, reached in a couple of different ways with very different results depending on the way, and all the people looked like him. Which was very confusing. Then the four took me through an experience where we all became tons of different creatures and light beings and more, and I understood that how they appeared to me was arbitrary, it did not define them. For whatever reason each of them chose a certain kind of people and they were appearing in that form, but it wasn’t any more innately them than any other form would have been.

I still had visions along with the dreams. In one for example, 3rd used his sword to dig sheets of ice off the side of a mountain, digging out a hole that contained an oversized gold sarcophagus, which contained the 2nd of 4. First sat on a throne, 3rd and I beside him, and she told him her name, chanted it, impossibly long, and it showed up in gold letter-symbols across her chest. I was in awe, and realized she was “spiritual royalty.” I called her The Queen after that instead of 2nd. She is tall with long black hair and a very long head and I think of her as being from some “pre-Egyptian” peoples, given some of the memories of lives she and I have shared. Usually in those lives she is some kind of royalty.

I seldom saw 1st (he was present just not visual), but when I did, he had dark hair and a dusky vaguely reddish skin and comes across as tall but ‘vaguely asian,’ a term I used for people I encountered in some of my “anomalous experiences” too (and later read of someone else using too — how oddly specific!). I took to calling him Senior, although now years later I sometimes call him King. When he joins me in meditations he is absolute authority, like the “I AM.”

It was many years before I realized that I was “an Aeon of Fourth” — not the whole thing — our ‘joined’ identity is a white-blonde, blue-eyed female who contains many personalities including mine, and when we are all one, we are her. Often in meditations I will realize I am presenting ‘as’ her and if I need her or ask for it she will take over or ‘translate’ for me, things like that.

Senior is kind of like the ultimate authority of us. And when his energy is “fully vested” in each of us, we are various creatures. 2nd is the metallic-golden eagle, 3rd is a lion, and I am a bull. I see those symbols all over ancient religious stuff and I am not sure why they are so powerful inside me, or what it even means entirely, but it is what it is.

Losing the Four, or so I Thought

In 2005 when I was 40, right near my birthday, I had another nightmare with them. I was fully lucid in it, I was simply in the brainwave state where my body was asleep. In it, we were in an abandoned, post-apocalyptic big city. A horrible sort of water was up to below my knees, and small crowds or ‘mobs’ were running about. I was looking for 3rd and finally found him, tied to a post being crucified, and he told me inside he loved me and was dying for me. I was overwhelmed with grief and felt him die inside me. Then I ran to find the Queen who told me that was the way it had to be, and the same thing happened with her. Then I ran to find Senior and it was the same with him.

My whole spiritual life was just blown away, everything in my ‘interworlds’ vanished and I could not even try to meditate for months. When I finally went back it took some time and great effort to reconnect again and eventually I saw them at a distance as if they were very young, and growing, and then eventually they were just back like normal. I have been told by Senior that I don’t really understand the nature of what happened in that experience. I still consider it very traumatic. (Update: in 2016 I had a spontaneous meditation with Sun where this was resolved. All trauma is now gone.)

Some dreams or visions of a certain ‘nature’ recur, such as water flooding a place and me escaping with nothing but myself — my life totally gone from the area now flooded. Eventually this became fairly conscious. The last one I recall, they showed up to rescue me – 3rd was dragging me through water that was up to my thighs, 1st was the pilot of an odd aircraft that was actually 2nd, and they saved us and we stood on the side of a mountain and watched the flooding below.

Some Details on the Four

I am one “facet” of the 4th of 4: all of it, energetically, but simply one of many perspectives. And to be clear, all four of us are “all” of us — we each just “pay the most attention to” a certain part. I think if you modeled this in stone it would either be a square tower with four faces, or four towers, each with the four faces, but a different one facing forward on each. What it feels like is that we are “nested spheres of light” though and I am the smallest inside while 1st is the largest outside.

The four of us actually see “through” our Aeons, like we are… emergent-property identities perhaps (I am, I don’t know about them), but the Aeons hold the… not sure. Something underlying what we are. I have 12 Aeons, I think they might each have 9.

They are a “Trinity,” the three of them together, separately from me. There are three layers of energy above them, that pour down to create the four, I once saw.

A commenter on this blog, Sphinx, said about the 4:

Your “Four” seem to parallel the Yod-Heh-Vau-Heh formula in Qabalah. The four letters of the “unpronounceable name of God” which make up the universe are attributed to the Father, Mother, Son, and Daughter. The Father and Mother are above the Abyss (Chokmah and Binah) and the Son is the Sun, or Tipareth. It seems you are the Daughter, the “fallen” sphere of Malkuth–you represent the Earth, or the human soul.

I don’t know anything about that subject but it sounds reasonable.

Various experiences and insights have led me to understanding that somehow we associate — or overlap or… something — with a lot of ‘divisions’ of four. Examples:

matter element bio tarot focus exalted
1st plasma fire enzymes wands command man
2nd liquid water lipids cups insight or compassion gold (metal) eagle
3rd gaseous air aminos swords strength or courage lion
4th solid earth minerals disks service bull/ox

Archetypal Stuff

There is this “vision” that a guy named Ezekiel had in the Old Testament (Talmud) where he saw four creatures flying, and each one had four faces that were man-eagle-lion-bull, but each a different one facing forward. It said that they were on a ‘chariot’ and the ‘wheels’ were eyes, spinning, that they saw through the eyes.

I actually had an experience where the four of us became this creature, the eyes were the perspectives of our Aeons, and I realized after the experience that I was familiar with that rather bizarre description I was thinking of and looked it up online and sure enough — that is exactly it. I think maybe the chariot is an assumption made by the spinning circle of eyes seeming like wheels, is all, because they were vertically placed at our sides. It felt quite odd, the experience.

We also have become another creature that feels like something from an angelic realm but probably comes off as very terrifying to onlookers I am guessing. It felt like a lot of wings and teeth and sharp edges and light.

Ancient 3rd

Back in the 1990s and then exactly 20 years later (to the month, possibly even closer), I had an intense dream about 3rd and I. There was a man who was the Aeon of 3rd who lived in a very ancient time. He fought with swords. There was this group of beings who had come to our planet or dimension and they were… not good. They did not have souls and were jealous of our ‘eternal’ life in this regard. I think they had the ability to roll up inside our people when we died and “ride” with our soul into the future, like they would then be in some body we had in the future. This version of 3rd knew how to prevent them being in him and how to do what they did — but inside himself. He arranged it on purpose. He had to die to do it.

He was a bad guy. He was a good guy. He was the guy. He was the only guy who could deal with them at some indefinite future point in time when it would be what we call “end-times” and they would need dealing with.

I was his timing-trigger. I woke him up, inside the modern 3rd. Who is embodied somewhere here in my reality, I’m told, though I don’t know if I’ll ever meet him personally. In doing so, I felt like I had brought on the end of my world. I’ve been shown a couple times that the modern guy is doing ok with integrating this other identity but it’s been a really difficult challenge. I’m not surprised, as the guy from ancient times seemed like an unusually… ah, strong personality.

I have had a great deal of cognitive dissonance throughout my spiritual life lately and that includes with the four. I am working to get through that. The archetypal stuff actually does not help because it seems a little weird to me.

My experiences with them are rare lately and most the symbolism has been around this “end-times scenario” energy. It is a little disturbing, although I always feel that I am “of 3rd” and whatever he is part of, is part of me as well, no matter what. It feels as if, to summarize, he and I are going to live for about another… maybe seven years or so (I’d hoped to live longer I admit. That would make it around 2022 or 2023 if not sooner when we checked out), during which he will do a few things that need doing but I don’t know what that is, and then our bodies will die, and then we as part of the four will still be interacting with this reality but as one of the two creatures I felt us become.

There is sometimes the sense that the four expected more out of me, more evolution than I’ve allowed or accomplished, which is very upsetting for me, but I’m not sure if I’m projecting that into it all. I don’t like the idea that my reality is headed down that path, so I have a lot of cognitive dissonance about all this.

I’ve wondered if the weird stuff is just a story that everyone runs into, an archetype of the four, and maybe it’s not literal at all. Maybe I’m “over-interpreting” it to relate to my “outer-reality” when it’s really just something in the interworlds. Maybe!

Other References to the Four

I began “consciously interacting with the four” in 1993. More than a dozen years later, after I’d been feeling so “alone with it” all that time (I had even made a blog in part in the hopes of someone else who had such experiences finding me with a search engine), after I had met my Aeons and they insisted on that word for themselves even though I didn’t like it or think it made sense; I did a spontaneous web search on “The Four and 12 Aeons.”

I found a bunch of info around what are called Sethian Gnostics. I only skimmed it, but I thought it read like bad channeling by a Jesus cult. I was embarrassed that someone might think any of my experience was ‘from’ that source. And yet I couldn’t help but find it kind of interesting. In reading some of it though, it sounded as if they were talking about some philosophical thing — not all their own personal stuff, which is all this is for me. I don’t care about doctrine or philosophy, I only care about and validate my own experience. And while I do associate what some call the “Holy Guardian Angel” and “Christ” and the “Sun” together in my inner life because they just are associated (sort of overlapping) that way, the Gnostics were clearly a jesus-sect. Not my thing.

I found another page on the web about the same topic, and it had some diagrams and text I didn’t see in the translated “scrolls,” so I am not sure where it came from, but it had an image much like one I had just made — with the Four in the middle and the 12 Around in a circle — and it talked of the 3rd, like waking up a part inside of him, which was oddly specific I thought, to my own experience.

They call the Four the “Aeons of Light.” Senior once showed me we were each “a panel of light” so perhaps that’s what that means. They don’t call the 12 Aeons though. So it’s opposite for me. I do get that the four are the Aeons of the Universe and the twelve are the Aeons of me.

Also the gnostic stuff has all this about bad guys they call “Archons.” I don’t really understand that. I did actually have an experience where I found a whole identity “curled up inside me” — twice this happened actually — that I had to deal with, and once after a chakra issue I was told I’d been attacked by one but it was fended off. I still find all this odd and were it not for the oddity of finding some of these things inside me, metaphysically, I wouldn’t believe in it at all. Frankly even that, no matter how literal I could feel it was to begin with, still feels surreal to me now.

The Four and Modern Culture

I think C. S. Lewis’s Narnia books carry the energy of the four. Not entirely of course, but somewhat.

I also think the movie The 5th Element does. The story is focused on 2nd (the divine human, spiritual royalty but one of us) and 3rd (man of swords who is also the savior), with a gender flip for 1st (the leader who is all-knowing, the diva) and 4th (the man of service, man of earth). There is even Zorg as an archon, or perhaps channel for the mother of all archons, and to switch occult philosophies for a moment, you might say Ruby plays the Fool. An experience I had with the Queen where she told us her name, was the smallest bit echoed in that movie years later, which is what made me realize the connection, and I’m tempted to think the guy who wrote it has some connection with this energy of the four he might be oblivious to.

You see the four ‘creatures’ in everything — nearly every religion’s oldest stuff, in the Tarot, and so on. I clearly identify with the Bull — when seen, when exalted, it is holy, it is so amazing — but I don’t hear other people talking about identifying with the creatures, so I guess they are just sort of ‘archetypal’ symbols for everyone else.

Final Notes

I was in a meditation when the identities I was working with said, We are always delighted to meet one of the four-fold souls. I didn’t realize they could see the others of the four with me. I had never heard that phrase before — the “four-fold soul.” But they sounded like they knew more about it than I do, so I sometimes use that term now.

The four are still beautiful and amazing. The Senior and Queen impact me so hard with ‘holiness’ that if they didn’t help me — they block it from me, especially Senior does — I’d just be laying on my face all the time when encountering them. The “divine” energy is very powerful. I love them all so much that sometimes I ache for them when I am not paying enough attention.

Mark regularly tells me to “be with them.” Just to focus on being ‘with’ them, whatever else I am doing. We don’t usually “do” anything but maybe it’s because of me. I’ve always seemed to have a difficult time “allowing” much and I get bored easily. I am working on being more disciplined and mature.

Many of my meditations include one or more of the four, or I am subsumed in 4th. So without the context of the four, I imagine much of my stuff would be opaque to others.

P

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