I don’t know how I am supposed to be evolving when reality keeps pissing me off so thoroughly.
Today I’m told if I can’t present an already-filed 2009 federal tax return they’re canceling my kid’s health insurance and all the funds I’ve paid into it are lost. Why? Because they want me to “prove” she is my kid. A birth certificate is not enough. So if I have not already filed taxes for my own reasons, my 13 year old can’t go to the doctor or dentist or optometrist for the next YEAR. Which ironically, we’ve actually been planning all three for over a year now, and this Fall/Winter was to be the time of pursuing that. I will call them tomorrow and see if there is some other kind of documentation I can provide, but what the heck IS there for a 14 year old aside from a birth certificate?
I was so pissed off for awhile I thought my god, I’m like bathing my whole body in nasty biochemical, this can’t be healthy for any part of me.
I keep telling myself, just “let reality be.” Let it be! Watch it with interest. Let it flow through you. Assume the best. Know it will work out ok. Know there may be reasons this is a mere side-effect for, that this happens and it’s all for the best. BREATHE!
Maybe Type-A people just aren’t designed to ever become enlightened. Whatever that is.
Reminds me, I’d blogged this: I had an archetype meditation not long ago where, the instant I popped into a landscape, a few monsters were bearing down on me. It startled me and I did this giant leap backward up into a tree and landed with a huge long gun in my hands. There were like 20 different voices in my head yelling, No, no! Don’t shoot the archetypes!! I thought that was hilarious. But I also thought, later, what kind of ‘spiritual’ person would need this kind of guidance?!
The other night we re-watched the ancient movie version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I liked the movie as comedy, which was done as a spoof (Paul Reubens was hilarious!). I grew up in southern California, and my high school was 1980-83, so that whole ‘Valley Girl’ thing of the early 1980s is real life for me. Spoofing that era mostly consists of exampling exactly how it was, with no exaggeration whatever, but nobody who wasn’t there for it would believe that artificial drama queen uber-shallow craziness, it’s just so stupid! I didn’t like the darker (and more true to the writer’s intent) TV show, mostly because the lead just couldn’t act worth a damn. (I liked some of the supporting case, like Eliza Dushku who went on to ‘Doll House’ for example, but she couldn’t redeem the retarded lead.)
The old movie, while funny, kind of reminded me of my situation in a way. It’s a variant on “the journey of the fool” in an archetypal sense; the hero is clueless, kinda stupid, has a difficult time taking it seriously, and succeeds more despite themselves than anything. There’s a good deal of “scooby-doo logic” going on where in their sheer idiocy they just happen to trip over something or fall through a door that turns out to be the right path, run into someone who is their deliverance, that sort of thing. Now if that were really the path to enlightenment I would already be pretty brilliant. But I think that’s just in stories, unfortunately.
***
I’ve had a couple things intrude on ‘my reality’ from the outside that my thoughts keep going back to. I think that means that I should meditate on these energies, just like with dreams, abreactions, pain, etc. I’m really in resistance to doing this. I wonder if something coming from “outside” you indicates that one innately has more resistance to it. What I mean is, if the energy wasn’t part of me, it wouldn’t be in my reality. But that it’s occurring with other people suggests I won’t even let it close to me (and a good thing too…) maybe?
The first thing:
A girl my daughter’s age, K, was nearly my adoptee for a couple years in their 4th-5th grade. I cared a lot for her. Her mom left her dad, got into drugs and left town and that was it, just abandoned her kids, ages 9 and 4. Her dad hired a live-in caretaker, age 18, who he ended up marrying, they’ve been married years and have 3 kids together. A couple years ago K (age 13 then) began having an affair with the father of another schoolgirl (he was 38). He’s also the go-to guy for good weed, grapevine at the high school has it. She’s had more and more emotional problems over time, cutting, living with various family members, clearly he hasn’t been a lot of help but more harm, and a week ago, ran away.
Since that investigation, the police and her dad know about the man, which is not looking good for him, obviously. Everyone thinks he’s hidden her out somewhere. Since he’s been in jail previously, has drug connections, god only knows where that might be. Dowsing is not my strong suit unfortunately. The concern now is that her being found will lead to his doom, and her ending up at the bottom of a mine shaft would solve someone’s problem, so I am genuinely worried about her. The whole situation, even were that not a concern, just keeps coming back and nagging at my mind.
[Edited to add months later: just fyi. It became a major drama as the cops thought he killed her. Eventually, he committed suicide. Then... she came home. She had run away.]
The second thing:
My daughter’s former karate sensei is a genuinely nice guy. I really like him a lot. I just read in the news that he has ‘incurable bone and lymph cancer’. This has upset me although there is nothing I can do and I haven’t seen him in a couple years and never knew him well. But it just keeps coming back into my head. Of all the miserable (drug dealing child molesting… oh sorry I’m mixing my dramas, aren’t I!) people in the world, why does it seem like it’s the NICEST people that end up with some terrible fatal disease? It just feels so… so… UNFAIR.
[Edited to add months later: just fyi. He died about a year later.]
I find that when I meditate and relax, both of these topics are prone to come into my mind. I think it means that if I’m working on considering myself “transition, embodied” that I have to add ‘events around me’ to the things I work on. I suppose I have to add the damn insurance thing too.
I’m going to have to get more fluent and faster at this or I’ll never have time to get through the things of a day let alone all the many extra things I want to work through the energies of!
Speaking of evolved. This little girl is in kindergarten — check out her guitar playing: http://www.tvkim.com/watch/326/kims-picks-north-korean-girl-guitarist
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