Reawakening

For some time I’ve felt like I had moved past merely being way out of practice and touch with myself but was literally just letting go. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care. All I do is work. It was my only focus. I felt almost clean of everything else in a way. No more guilt. No more longing. I live on the surface like the rest of the apparent ‘extras’ in this reality. And it’s ok.

Then somehow in the last 24 hours I’ve had a real shift. I don’t know if maybe I just finally had to truly let go in order to “adjust” again. I see by my blog that every year I get a new obsession with development and then end up letting it go for a long time. But when I pick it up again, once I get familiar with it again, I’m in a different place. Like maybe all the down time is “dealing with” the intensity of everything in the up time.

I looked at tons of pictures from Michael Parkes again. I first saw his stuff in 1993 and went nuts for it, just the few I saw then, but I understand why, now. Everything he paints is devic (angelic). Every picture is like a little tarot in a way. His own translation of certain segments of energy. Very archetypal. It always weirds me out that he paints the stuff I see in my head, I don’t mean exactly, I just mean like the way the heads are and some of the recurring nature of the creatures.

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I went back and read a whole bunch of the blog, not a ton but enough to ‘remind me of myself.’ I came upon the last question I felt was important to answer and never did. Why did the Four die for me? The other three, in the crucifixion-like experience. And I saw the answer now, all over, everywhere, in so many different lines I myself had written. That energy was sacrificed, and grew from youth again, so I could live. I had died repeatedly from serious health issues in sleep and kept dragging myself out of the areas of the recently-dead and getting back to this reality just barely. The Four had been trying to make me ‘see’ and getting frantic for awhile before that. A time-window or probability was closing, it was overwhelming how strong the feeling was. Then the senior showed up more present than ever in my life, and then that whole experience happened with them, that blew me away for so long.

They are why I’m still here. Because as the queen once told me, they have faith that I’m going to get my act together. I don’t think I’m explaining this well. It isn’t an intellectual conclusion. It’s simply an understanding I now have clearly about it all. I feel as if I always knew this. I just didn’t allow myself to be conscious of it.

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I fell asleep with a Parkes art slideshow on screensaver in front of me sitting in bed with my laptop. I kept waking up slightly, enough to see some picture and then take that with me back down to sleep, and get a lot more from it. I slept for awhile after that in the dark, and then I got up and got some water and put on the Narnia soundtrack and simply brought my universe in to talk with.

I cleansed, I chakra’d, I talked with the Aeons, I sat with the Four, I brought in IG and the Teks and outer guides and I just went through everything that needed catching up. I went and got a bunch of pieces of me out of other probabilities and brought them back and integrated, feeling with the Senior’s I AM that I have the right to say they can learn useful things just as well while part of me as while separate and I deserve more of my focus HERE. I went in my memory through lots of experiences with the Four and integrated the various landscapes.  I got rushings over and over and over again and when I didn’t, stuff was followed by giant yawns, the other way I perceive I’ve absorbed energy.

I prayed properly with the Four for the first time in a long time. Then I went to the 5th — the entity which is the combination of me and the 3rd — and feeling lighthearted joy and that anything was possible, I simply insisted it was time we merge and he get more ok with the half of him that is me, and some of that actually seemed to happen. I went to fhe first four Largers and simply threw myself around each of them in a bear hug laughing that I didn’t care how overwhelming they were anymore, I wasn’t in such heavy awe now and we were going to have a way-fun time.

I expanded to encompass the planet and said hello to her as the goddess and re-accepted our previous works and was really getting a ton of rushing when the music changed to low-ton percussion suddenly in my headphones and I lost it entirely. Whoops. (I’d previously had The White Witch theme out of my playlist but MediaMonkey won’t work for me for some reason now so I’m using VLC.) Gotta keep heavy percussion and low tones out when dealing with any angelics, it’s like just turning the radio dial away.

I feel understanding now. I don’t need to work so much. I need to start scheduling my days to fit the work. If that means working from 11-7 or 5-3 — of course I nearly always work a few hours at night, and some on weekends — then that’s what it means. I allow myself to be trapped between east and west coast timezones and job demands and this feeling that I have to be there for everybody all the time. What if an email should come in and I was not there? Well so what. Everyone ELSE goes home for the day. Everyone ELSE comes in when they do. I’m losing effectiveness just from burnout.

It’s time to give myself a life again. Time to pray, and meditate, work for real with IG and the Four and Teks and let my reality take care of itself. Make time each day, a few times, to just have time for me, whether I’m meditating or merely sitting quietly ‘in the center’.

I’m going to finally do the four minor web-related duties (personal not work) that have made people hate me now I have had such surreal, inexplicable resistance to them and they impact others. Whatever horrible resistance was going on, is gone now. I can finally do them and let it go.

I have other fairly important things to do in my personal life, just some duty things I haven’t been dealing with, that I feel ok and clear with now. I will get through most if not all of them tomorrow hopefully. Today, since I see it’s 5:30am.

I’m going to get more sleep. Even if I have to do it in 3 separate pieces of 3 hours each, or more pieces of 1.5 hours each, I’m going to get more sleep, so I can integrate my energy work, feel physically better and more energetic, and quit trashing my body so badly. I feel ok about this for the first time in eons.

I am not sure what about the combination of things finally cleaned me out. But I feel really good. Casual and clear. I expect to do more gradual and integrative stuff from now on. Not all or nothing.

P