Rambling

I was thinking about a coworker guy (remember I work from home so everyone is distant) that I am really grateful to, and I respect and admire. Oddly though, I am very heart chakra-affected by him, which even though it’s not romantic, has that power of a crush, the kind of painful, oh my god the sweet ache of this is killing me sort of thing. I idly observed the curiosity that there was that sweetness to the ache of it. I thought maybe to our solar-selves or whatever, like Eva once said in a comment here about a dream she had, the pleasure and pain were basically all the same.

Earlier, I had been listening unwillingly to a movie in the other room, the Crucible I think it is, about the Salem witch trials. (Sounded lousy.) I was half asleep and couldn’t fully wake up but couldn’t fully sleep and the constant screaming and drama was icky.

So later just after the coworker thoughts, my mind moved on, and I was “idly pondering” that perhaps that whole situation (Salem witch trials) was like a spiritual drama, where everyone agreed to take a certain role of the energy configuration, and play it out to learn about it. The humans, worn like suits by the solar bodies I see (or imagine I see) if I try, are like bumper-cars; it is just as sweet to hurt a little, just as exciting to be whacked a little, as the positive side. The “emotional richness” seemed the point of some of it.

I was then recalling a dream-ish I once blogged, I felt sure was sitting in on one of the Largers as he prepared to sit in on a selected group of people at a point in a reality/time, and that this emotional bonding was much of the experience, it was wartime and he chose a small team of 8 soldiers who were really, powerfully close.

And then all the sudden, I saw my current life situation with my job, my whole work-domain, laid out almost visually, as if you were story-boarding a drama. Like the ‘dynamic’ I had grasped was suddenly applied to something personal.OMG!

I can’t talk about much detail since it wouldn’t be professional and this blog is on my name domain. Suffice to say it’s like any other company… the variety of personal and professional relationships, and martyrs and the victims and the leaders and the empire builders and the conspirators . . . and the guys with shovels laying the rails through the middle, often despite not because of management.

I saw my role in all that. With interest and humor I saw that this is a lot of the 3rd’s energy actually, that I play out in the workplace, and that ‘troubleshooting’ and developing new stuff that is physical/process related are both highly related to him. I remembered all the times he has actually done that with me internally, like on this big partly destroyed bridge that he brought a whole regiment of soldier-workers in to repair, and things like that. In our roles of the four, I think, I am service; I don’t know what word to assign him, but he is the champion, the physical strength, the knight, and the one in hands-on charge.

So I saw my own part of the larger work situation as the archetypal drama that it is.  Some piece of the world is spiraling into chaos and darkness, a very bad situation, and then the long-suffering but apparently not sufficiently attentive to that particular area until now king realizes the crisis, and as the whole kingdom suffers and prays, the king designates this man to go through this grueling journey of sorts, and the man he doesn’t know what the heck he is doing but is loyal to his people and his king and puts enormous effort into it, and despite it being almost astronomically improbable, he actually succceeds.

I realized I have played this pattern repeatedly throughout my work life.

Then I saw with some startled, I have no idea what to think of this parallel sort of feeling, that this wasn’t merely that archetypal drama. It was ALSO almost the business version of a.. spiritual??… experience I had already, in a very different perspective: as the Captain of the Guard.

I just don’t know what to say about this. So… the energy of the 3rd is strongly with that dynamic, that strong ‘go forth and rescue’ dynamic, it is like HIM embodied as a character with many roles, like how some actors have so many movies but all their characters are sort of the same person.  He IS the white knight, and as if that isn’t ironic enough, I recognized him for awhile when we first met by flashes of an actor that looked slightly like him when young, with the white hair and overlarge slightly tilted blue eyes, the actor is the closest we come in our world, it was Rutger Hauer as he was in the movie ‘Ladyhawke’, where he played… I am not making this up… the Captain of the Guard.

So that… drama, it’s something I once perceived… inside me, like some spiritual holographic microcosm of this same energy pattern playing out. And now I realize that I am playing it out in my own way and reality. That same drama. Like every life and often every period of time/scene in that life is actually an intentional drama, a movie. For me, every job. Even many cycles within every job.

Holy cats! I’m channel 9!

I wonder if I play out infinite variations on an archetypal pattern of the Queen and Senior too, just in different areas.

It made me think of how I work very much ‘for’ someone. I don’t care what HR has on paper. I don’t care who I directly report to. I don’t care what my title is. I work for the ‘ideal’ of my company and for the personal loyalty, support, and relationship with an individual — you see some of that ever-in-search-of-a-father-figure in play there I’m sure. So I am immensely dedicated to my Director, who is the one I happened to bond to like a baby duck. Even though we do not communicate nearly enough. Even though I suspect that 98% of our relationship is entirely built in my own head, and he just gets the benefit of my personality needing that so much, that with the smallest building block of input, I create the rest.

But so the point is, sure everyone needs money, but that’s at the bottom of the list of reasons why I work. There are many good ones in the middle. But at the top is my service-to-the-throne sort of relationship. Like everything is some model of the response to the holiness of the Senior and the Queen, their divine embodiment in our world.

This is so hilariously archetypal that I just kind of run out of words. I don’t know what it means. It just IS.

***

I had an insight I found so interesting I determined to blog it. But by the time I got here it was gone. This is why I need to get back to blogging regularly. I forget every damn thing if I don’t.

***

Lately, I’ve been getting more communication from my body. It’s really great. It’s like if I am ‘aware’, all the sudden I will have this visual flash internally of something. Once it was of a giant poster, as if I were standing at an airport looking at one of these pictures on the wall, of someone drinking out of a sports bottle, the water splashing everywhere. However, there’s been a dozen very different variants that all led me to realize the message was ‘water’. Once my (Lasik’d, so it’s much worse) eyes were too dry and I saw this little furry creature with gold-brown eyes and the surface of them swelled up like balloons and the visual stopped just before they popped, it seemed kinda yucky but I somehow understood what it meant.

Yesterday I was thinking of something, dunno what but it had to do with my eating habits (which suck since my work schedule got insane), and I had this flash of a couple people standing on the shore with a wooden canoe literally covering their head as they tried to hold it up, and I “understood” that this symbolically meant: here is your body, the structure which would carry you through the river, and instead you screw with it until it cannot even allow you in the river, and it is a burden, until you have to carry IT instead of the other way around.

I’ve also had comments from the Aeons that I heard and was aware of as them talking with me more than usual. I don’t know if this reflects some greater throat and ajna chakra activity or what. Makes me feel a little more connected to myself, which since I haven’t really meditated in 8 weeks is a good thing.

I’ve had a few quality time experiences where I put all the energy into ‘bringing the Largers closer with me’ and whatever made that work out.

***

So later, following the previous thoughts about a group of people taking on the various ‘roles’ of a given drama, for some reason I thought about the many times I so wished I could ‘embody’ the four around me somehow, symbolically. Then I suddenly realized that maybe in a weird way… this parallels feng shui.

The spectrum of colors are like my Aeons; the ‘infrastructure of the light’ ! — and this likely goes for the major elements of our reality, fire and wind and wood and metal for example. Maybe the point of bringing all the elements into a design in feng shui, is to intentionally bring the spectrum together. I am working on the infrastructure of my Self, working to integrate better with the Aeons. Maybe feng shui is an attempt to support that same ‘collect the spectrum of energy around you’ concept.

I long ago gave up thinking it was mere coincidence, I see over and over how my house totally does represent the concept elements that feng shui puts forth — in all the bad ways, as much as the good ways. And like, you notice I’m finally really changed and liking my job and taking on more of the 3rd’s energy again and focusing there? — for awhile I’ve been working on getting the back room ready to make it a home office again, like it was for years, paying my weekly helper to do stuff in there toward that goal.  Never happened. But I started thinking about it seriously not long before my job changed then it really upgraded. That’s actually the wealth section of my house. Is my drive to clean it up and inhabit it again, related to the job situation, or vice-versa?

Or is it like the 3rd once told me about the singular identity that we combined are together, a man ‘of dual nature’ (me and the 3rd compose him), that his and my shared issues were not separate, we are both equally involved in all the energy, whatever it may be, for better or worse. So I don’t change, he doesn’t change, we both change, it’s inseparable. So maybe Feng Shui really IS both creation/reflection of certain dynamics in our lives, inseparable but by a little time. That leads me to wonder WHO came up with this, was it all “insight”? How did they know that a given section represented ‘children and creativity’ while another one represented ‘career’ and another ‘helpful people and travel’? Why are they arranged the way they are–why not a different arrangement? Why does the color red and the element fire belong with one section more than it belongs with another?

This gives me some of the feel I had when I was reading about and asking questions about the fundamental nature of astrology. Not the cookie cutter BS, but the recognition of the universe as a reflection of us because we ARE the universe, particularly the more immediate solar system. “There is no difference,” as the 3rd said about our energy and the 5th, the man we also compose. Except where we are in the pattern; the relationships of one energy to another. I once had the insight that Feng Shui was “localized astrology”; that wood in a fire zone was like a certain planet passing through a given sign; that was the first time I got an inkling of something I grokked better later: that human relationships are ORBITS, with eclipses and occlusions and gravity and so on.

My bedroom right now is beyond being a mess. I can FEEL the clutter in the drawers and closet that is out of my sight–I don’t know why or how I can feel that, subtly, but I can, as if it is somehow inside my body too.

I remember some archmeds where the arch has been “stuffed with” tons of junk, just ‘stuff’ that had to be cleaned out. I wonder if that reflects this in some way.

My bathroom cleaned up drastically with the new tub and tile and flooring, it’s awesome. My living room got nice black curtains (it’s in that zone). My bedroom (fire zone) has always been probably the closest to decent feng-shui wise of my house as far as materials and colors go (that is ‘fame and reputation’) but I’m sure the massive clutter and even trash right now let alone the clutter stuffed into every invisible place, does not help.

The idea that what’s in my bathroom or kitchen or whatever, reflects my health, my spirituality, and the universe and in reverse too, because “there is no difference” — it’s all the same energy in the same patterns — just like my channel-9 life, where The Four are represented by the repeating human/social “patterns” we find ourselves in — it probably sounds good on paper but it is difficult to truly wrap my brain around.

Well this is the first tiny break I’ve taken in eons. I have several important things to do for people who are mad at me for not doing them (personal, not work). Story of my life it seems like I can focus on one part of my life or another but seldom more than one at a time.

***

One last note. A little over five years ago I began working for my current corp. I began in a different area (product development, not production). My company and another company worked closely together, but outside of a few people, I had close to zero interaction with anyone else there, and the others which I sometimes did, it was so rare and impersonal and barely peripheral, I didn’t know them at all.

One weekend I think it was, I had this amazing dream, I mean one of the most profound and metaphysical dreams, about this one guy who worked there at the other corp, I didn’t even know him, like barely just by name because he’d been on a couple email cc’s and maybe said ten words. I had not consciously thought about him at all with even the slightest interest.

But in the dream, he and I were part of a grouped soul. We loved each other so much, as all the parts-of-a-self do, and there was such “joy” I mean the sweet-intense-happiness coursing through the dream. When I came out of it, I totally accepted that he and I ‘overlap’. I know of two other people I think I have this relationship with. (Oddly… hmmmn. One of the others lives where I grew up and the other lives right near where this guy does.) I was so moved to the point of clearly losing all rational thinking, by the impact of the dream, that I actually wrote him an email and told him about it. I wish I had that, that I could find it, since I remember nothing of the dream now.

Years later, maybe 2, 2.5 years ago, by then that other company had ceased to be, and that guy and some others had formed some other little corp, that still works with my company, but my job was different by then, and I had no more exposure to him than I ever had. Once in a rare while he would show up on an email cc line because he now runs the small company that occasionally does content work that will show up somewhere in my production area. I know his name and have had to email him maybe a dozen times in 5 years, mostly just to forward something that his people probably should be the ones looking into. I think once many years ago we were on some little meeting call together but that’s it. I’m trying to make really clear the fact that I know nothing of this guy and do not think of him at all.

And yet, a few years ago which was a good 1-2 years later after that first one, I had worked really late the night before (like 1am), then started really early, and around 4pm my time, when I’m off work (on paper…), I fell asleep and had this profound dream about him, yet again.

Again, we ‘overlapped’. We were like spectrum colors from the same white light. We went through each others’ lives with delight, looking at the patterns we were playing out just for fun. We tried on ‘personas’ (as opposed to clothes) as a game, showing each other, and laughed and laughed with such spilling-out lighted joy it was incredible.

At one point nearer the end of the dream, I was high up in the sky looking down, so I was still actually seeing sky, with the ground very far below. I was seeing it more like you would looking up though, with the azure blue and a little white in a few tiny clouds. And I saw this pattern, this really big circle, actually, it was three rings. Imagine a big circle and one fat band around the edge, like almost 1/3 of it, is separate, a ‘ring’, and that ring has semi-independent motion. And then two more rings just like that, inside it, and then a center round space unaffected. And each ring, it was equally divided into three parts, and there were three rings, and they were all moving “sort of” independently but not quite — rather like ocean tides, where each layer IS its own dynamic, and yet, the layers affect each other, too. “Three in three” is a spiritual symbol I get sometimes.

The thing I was looking at, was like something made of a combination of glass and spirit, that was translucent, “made of sky”, these three rings of three pieces all in motion, and for some reason it seemed very meaningful. Then I said to him, oh! this is the symbol of your company name! (which is ‘Concentric Sky’) and then we went on and did other things that just pulsed with the joy-energy for awhile.

I was so impacted by the dream, that although my sane-part kept telling me, “Don’t tell him! He doesn’t know you from Adam!” after about an hour I was still just reeling from it emotionally, and I wrote him an email about it.  Much like the first, he responded later in the day just saying hmmn, that’s interesting, he sounded in tone a lot like you’d expect, like a decent guy, kind enough in response, but someone who has no idea WTF to say to some chick at a big corp customer that you don’t know at all sending you something telling you that are overlapping souls and she dreamed about you again!

Anyway so I put this here just to record it because I never did. And because of something offbeat…

So over the last 8 weeks I’ve had to work with a guy I just met at the start of that, a programmer who has been totally my savior. And I talked with him in email every evening and came to realize he is just an exceptional human being. Really, unusually intelligent (far more than me alas). Not nearly open to most the stuff that makes up my whole cosmology of self and reality, but not totally closed, open in nature just not really focused that way in person.  A decent person.

The walking wounded; he has some history still weighing on his heart that I can feel even from here and I’m not even in a high-psi mode or anything. So at one point, I realized (I was like, agog) that he had been the actual leader of the company I mentioned that guy used to work for, a ~400 person corp.

I had so much talk with him by then, I so really-really deeply liked him beyond all good reason, yet I don’t have very positive feelings about that former company, so it was really a shock to me.  Just in passing, for a work related reason, the name of this guy — the guy I had twice dreamed of — came up and he said something like, they had been friends once but now weren’t.

And I could feel this powerful connection, it was clear to me that either he is oblivious to how deeply they were friends or he just was not mentioning it, but it was like they were actually bonded the way most strong smart men who love each other like brothers might be, but their bond was hurt and angry on both sides and carrying energy in both of them still that would affect their lives, like harmony-chords darkened and with jagged hooks here and there. And it was so heart-chakra affective it was ridiculous. As if I could feel in my body the ‘pattern’ of their relationship inside me, and how both of them probably didn’t even know the depth of their connection, and that they were connected far more powerfully than just by chance, not just by job experience, but spiritually as well.

So back to the top of this post: this guy that my heart chakra is oddly aching about… I do NOT have any kind of romantic crush on him at all, it isn’t like that, it’s just such a profound affection it amounts to love, but I don’t think that’s necessarily sourced from my work relationship with him. But the man he used to work with, that I got that major pulse of his energetic connection to, is the guy I’ve dreamed so powerfully of being part of a group-soul with, twice.

It has led me to wonder if some of my chakra activity for the current fellow, is actually due to my “overlap” with the first guy.

I would really like to meet the soul-brother someday and have time to hang out with him for awhile, see if he has the effect on me that the other 2 I’ve met (that I felt I had that relationship with) did — that happiness, that feeling like you are a bit “more of yourself,” a little smarter and more creative and more energetic, etc.  I should mention, if I haven’t talked about this before, that this is NOT romantic. I mean if you mistook it for that it could become so, but there is a secondary offbeat effect of this ‘relationship’ which is that generally when you are together you’re like magnets but when you’re apart you really don’t care at all, as if the ‘pull’ releases. It’s not like ordinary human relationships which are more about body and personality relationships than spiritual stuff.

But what I’d really like even more is to spend some time with both of these guys together. Just so I could work on healing both of them, and the feeling that this energy runs right through me, and the love/hurt/resentment could maybe be mitigated if I could forcibly keep them together and do energy work with them. (Secretly of course. :-))

The hilarious part of all of this is that I’ve never met either of these guys and for all I know never will. I am not overly interested in either of their personal lives, I don’t know the soul-brother at all, even in work respects; and the second, I like him a ton, but we don’t have much in common outside the workplace, I suspect. And it’s probably just as true for the first one, I am pretty far-out compared to most people, especially the engineer/techie sorts who are not metaphysical.

I just find it interesting that I don’t get much in the way of psychic awareness at this point in my life (unless the inner worlds count), yet this is strong enough that I don’t even do my normal 7-levels-of-doubt-and-denial about it. I just totally accept that this is the way it is, and that part of my chakra effects are due to their relationship and my spiritual overlap with one of them.

P