Mercenary

I dreamed ‘symbolic of an aspect’ this morning. This is the first time I have had a dream and ‘known’ for certain that it was not only an aspect but that it was symbolic. Meaning, the dream details were not what really happened; they might be similar perhaps (no telling) but they were instead, something that was an ‘analogy’ to the ‘dynamics’ of it.

Several men were close friends. Long time friends. One of them specialized in stock market-type work, or something similar. He discovered a way to illegally use software to create a substantial effect in pricing. He talked them into joining him on this ‘sure thing’, waxing on about how they could make money, and everyone needed it.

So they were all together, actively investing, and making money hand over fist. He encouraged them to commit more and more, their family’s money, house mortgage, all kinds of things, as if it were a game of poker that took trade. They reluctantly and then excitedly did so, imagining what great things they were doing for their family as a result.

Then, without warning them–because it would have meant a bit less success for his own efforts, and he was without conscience–he ran this hack he had, and caused the whole pricing to crash, him of course selling just the instant before and making a killing, and them losing absolutely everything.

They were so devastated that one by one, each of them picked up their own gun and shot themselves in the head. He didn’t really care. He let their bodies be found, after removing all traces of evidence of himself.

But I was there. I had been hiding in a trunk during this. I had lunged for each of the men to try and save them from shooting themselves but failed in every case. I was beyond traumatized. And he didn’t know I had seen. I figured he would for sure kill me, despite I’d thought we were friends, if he knew I had seen.

I “understood” a few things when I woke up.

First, that it was symbolic, not literal.

Second, that it was however an actual, specific event, with an actual, specific outcome, that I had lived in some identity.

Third, that I had lunged for the men to save them because they were part of me, kinda like Aeons are.

Fourth, that the primary guy was also part of me. It had literally been a grouping of men very close like that because they were soul-siblings, essentially.

Fifth, that my ‘hiding in a trunk’ actually represented being part of the awareness the person was not cognizant of — like Aeons are for nearly everyone.

And lastly, that this dynamic needs a specific meditation focus, this dream symbol needs an archetype med, because that is all energy unresolved.

I understood that my first big challenge of this sort had related to Jared and El Nino. That for political reasons, I had at the last minute held my army back and let his be slaughtered. My whole life was affected by the profound energy relationship problem that caused between us, and both my guilt about him, and his guilt about his men. When I finished working through that several times in various ways with the Aeon, I didn’t see it at the time, but my life improved unbelievably.

A mountain-sized degree of ‘artificial guilt’ as Seth called it, was with me always, as if it were a crushing burden, filtering and coloring everything I perceived. It made it difficult to not get myself in victim situations, partly because my guilt made me rationalize why bad things by others were really ok, not personal, etc. And then it was gone. After 44 years of life, with this affecting me since I can remember and all through my adulthood, it was just gone.

I understood that this was “like that” — that it was another ‘energetic relationship inside me’ that was causing problematic effects in my current-day life, in ways I don’t understand consciously, and that I need to work through this.

I don’t mean that ‘it happened in a past life so I’m dealing with it now.’  I don’t think of it like that. I mean, those elements are part of me, and that energy is active. It is ever-still-happening because every time and identity is technically together in a single point. So when there is some overriding bad energy (somewhat gullible victimhood, created by mercenary sociopathy, and both are parts of me), that is like dumping a giant chunk of a spice into a stew. (Jungian stew!)  The entire stew, every flavor of its own, is affected by it, each component in its own way.

I was focusing with a couple of the Largers yesterday, particularly the 3rd I met, that I first saw as lion-headed. Just emotion mostly. But I felt that this dream, and happening before I awoke so I would remember it, was . . . a gift, you might say. I don’t mean an intentional gift, though I’m not sure.

I mean that his looking into me–because I am a component of him, the way the Aeons are with me (part of his ‘infrastructure’)–resulted in this higher-observation of… a substantial “geometry issue” within me. Like that pattern with breaks, kinks and serious lack of balance, needs to be cleaned up and resolved.  And his energy, that I get a little more of (or become more-aware-of and hence it seems to become mine), provides me some greater insight and awareness of this kind of thing.

Pretty optimistic though! I’m not even meditating on all the things I should be, never mind dreams. Maybe this weekend I can get to that, and that will change.

P