I tried to meditate several times last night. Major denial going on. The minute I got about 30 seconds into it– or maybe 5 or 10–my mind just completely went on to something else. I would realize it, 15 minutes later or more, and drag myself back to begin again, but eventually it was late and I fell asleep having accomplished zero. But I woke up around 3:30am, and I figured I ought to make another attempt to meditate.
In the end, I managed to do a 15 minute meditation, and it only took me four solid hours, not counting the night before. Denial sucks.
I went back to IG and asked her for the next iteration of ‘My Biggest Problem’. Whether this was something different, or another stage of the initial thing, who knows, up to her. I let her bring the arch to our space and then I turned around. On one hand, this one was an archetype, not a whole minor world. On the other hand, there were nine of them. Three sets of three. (Curiously, that’s the symbol from a recent dream too.) They were identical soldiers, about 7-8 feet tall, wearing hard stone-like armor with helmets. They almost looked like oversized statues.
I worked with the group the way I would normally work with an individual, except trying to refocus and feel a connection to all nine simultaneously while doing so, trying to hold the nine in my attention. Lots of ‘water of love’, which did little, but then the ‘light of love’ did what I suspected (common symbol for me), created gigantic deep cracks in all the stone armor, and then the ‘wind of love’ completely dissolved or broke-away all the armor. A rinse with the water again, and standing in front of me were nine people. Normal sized. All of them completely different. Different genders, races, sizes, etc.
I had an odd feeling about them. Like I knew them already. They didn’t feel quite like archetypes. Well, anything and everything CAN be one, but they felt like… well… I wondered… I haven’t yet been able to work with the group that the Four introduced me to in the tower long ago, except Nero. There were more than him — about 15 more I guessed (it’s some base-4 thing, go figure).
“Are these nine of the next-outer ring of the Four?” I asked IG suspiciously. She didn’t answer, or I couldn’t perceive her.
I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I asked if they wanted to put something on or in my body so I could gradually absorb their energy and each one in turn stepped up and put a small ball of energy into a chakra, each one up the body, until the final one did this about a foot over my head and then connected them. I didn’t feel any merge-rush though.
I gave them each a tiny whirl of energy that looked like a tattoo that they could wear as they liked. (I don’t know what makes me think of each different thing I give an arch. It’s always spontaneous.) I looked back at IG. “It seems like there ought to be more,” I said.
I imagined us all merging together, me and the nine, and almost nothing happened. Teeeeeny tiny rush, hardly enough to mention.
Now, in difficult meditations — and “denial” is a measure of difficulty — sometimes I can’t merge at all, things will go right through me, as if we exist in different dimensions. So the fact we could merge at all is a good sign, and even the tiniest feeling from it is a good sign. But obviously, I was expecting a great deal more from all this effort than what I got.
The archs having vanished (inside me), I turned to IG.
“I don’t think that went very well,” I admitted.
“It went fine,” she answered calmly.
But I felt like I must have failed to figure out something of relevance, that the effect was so minimal, not to mention how embarrassing it is to spend much of a night and hours in the morning doing what should have taken 10-15 minutes.
I reassured myself inside. Sometimes things that seem no big deal are the stepping stones to making a big deal meditation possible. I haven’t done regular archmeds in eons, maybe it’s going to take awhile to work through various BS in the way before getting to something useful. I dunno… I was a little depressed about it. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something I guess!
Oh well. I’ll try the next meditation when I can.
PJ
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