My prayers about dealing with the sense of ‘internal exhaustion’ apparently went well. I felt vastly better the next day, and over the next few, it seemed to just heal more and more.
Maybe not coincidentally, for a few days I haven’t really been able to DO anything metaphysically. I wanted to. I got so frustrated at the weird sense of “can’t get there from here” that I was having when I began anything, that I made a list on paper, and I made a point to work on something several times a day, and at the end of every day, I had accomplished… close to zero.
It wasn’t that I was avoiding it although there was some sense of that, but not the normal kind. It was as if that whole part of me was closed off with an “under construction: coming soon to a soul near you” sign or something. Can’t say I remember ever having that feeling before.
But this morning it seemed to be open for business again, better than ever. While still half asleep, my first real thoughts of the day were: Dear God… thank you for my life. Thank you for this amazing game. And I talked to the light-being that wears my body like a suit, as I see it in other people, and I talked with Inner Guide.
Then I talked with a Tek and promptly did a health meditation. They are generally ‘cleansing visualizations’ except they tend to be pretty gross, sometimes just bizarre. There’s a whole group of identities I call ‘Tek’ but there is a slightly individualized ‘instance’ version depending on what I’m doing. Anyway this one wrapped me in protective gear–probably not a good sign for whatever I was working on–and then gave me five soft irregularly shaped objects that were soft like organs, the 5th being very tiny, but they were all just horrifying looking. A little like when you see those pics of a clean lung vs. one that has emphysema or something. I decided to get help with that, and I asked for the Angelics, and they appeared and each put on hand on the back of my shoulder blade. I asked for L’Anna and LaeLee for healing, and Hot Amanakhaton and Jared & El Nino for power, which is not normally how I would categorize all these things but it seemed appropriate at that moment.
Then I asked for the Sun. And WOW the rushing I got from the combination of those four and the sun! That was terrific! I realized during it, that it had never occurred to me to merge with my Aeons while also merging with my planets. It’s true I’ve understood, though not much pursued, that there are some dynamics related to merging with more than one of them. But gosh that was kick-ass powerful, I’m going to have to try more of that. Anyway, I got the things Tek gave me all cleaned off and through, and got a lot of rushing from it then.
I did the slow breathing-in for 10 breaths exercise that the oversized Mondnom gave me, with everybody. I did it with the sun, then with those four aeons, and then I did it with the other 8 aeons. Then I did it with Pazyryk and WOW that was some massive ‘rushing’ the moment I tuned my attention to him. He seems to ‘come through to me’ a lot more powerfully than most other identities do, except maybe Nero in the early days, but still more raw power.
Then I realized that I had finished with him and had had a whole ‘nuther experience that I’d just shunted off and was turning away from. I stopped myself, ‘grabbed the energy’ and turned back to it.
I had seen this identity, up close and personal, and a sense of power from it. Its head was like a lion kind of, yet human too, but the body was human. But the body… had this scary black energy and the eyes were frightening and I had turned from it in fear. I had the sense, I felt from Pazyryk actually, of “Deal with this! Fix it!” and so I just gathered up my courage and imagined energy of the universe and my soul pouring into me through every chakra and then that pouring out through my heart and “cleaning and healing the darkness of it” in front of me, and I made myself breathe calmly and just keep doing this, until rather suddenly — not so gradually as with archetypes — it seemed to reach some critical mass, because the darkness just abruptly left it, and the eyes were no longer scary.
I stood about two feet from a relatively normal guy, aside from the lionish-head and a bit taller than me, and whole crashing-waves of “rushing” shook my body, I mean really powerful, as much or more than I’d had even with Pazyryk, over and over.
Wow! I said to him. That’s incredible! I considered him for a moment. He clearly felt like a Being, and like Pazyryk’s … level.
You’re one of the Largers, aren’t you, I said, using the term I’ve been using for them, for lack of a better one.
He smiled as a yes. He had a normal mouth, I noticed, despite the lion-mane and golden eyes. I considered him. Come to think of it, his head really was not non-human in any part when I looked right at that part. And yet, if I just let myself look at him overall, and not pay close attention, it totally seemed like “a lion head.” I wondered if that might just be some kind of energy that was very strong in him, and that’s how my brain translates it.
Wow, I said again. What does the lion-head mean?
You don’t see anything as it truly is, he said. You see things as you are. I felt he was paraphrasing one of my favorite sayings, somehow knowing I would understand that phrasing. I felt Inner Guide inside answering that my symbol of the lion-head with him, was a symbol of power, wisdom, etc. — the “larger” element — just like Pazryrk was ‘sitting up high’ compared to me and Mondnom was seriously oversized. That these were all different symbolic ways of translating what amounts to the same general concept.
Oh. What is your name? I asked.
My name is not able to be… translated into your conceptual world, he said. I remembered Pazryrk telling me that I couldn’t pronounce his name and my language didn’t have the letters for it, and telling me to just come up with something.
Well, I protested with a little bit of stubbornness, that Mondnom first guy gave me his name!
I got a huge sense of “humor” emanating from him and through me as he said, And we see how well that worked out! I had the feeling that he thought this was hilarious and kind of endearing. I realized he was implying that I had completely screwed it up. Gak! OK it’s true I couldn’t… quite… get a handle on the… multi-dimensional nature of it… but still. I tried! I didn’t know I’d done that badly. Sheesh!
Make something up, he said. Use intuition. It will be something that works for you. I had the feeling I should do this for Mondnom too. That might explain why I’ve felt so uneasy with that name. I think I would have felt a little bit… pouty and annoyed about all this except it felt difficult to feel that in his presence.
I think I love you, I confessed, which tells me you must be strong energy with my heart chakra.
I am strong energy with all your chakras, he replied, as are the others. (He meant Pazryrk and Mondnom, although I subtly felt there were others I didn’t know of that he conceptually included, as well.)
Given he was standing super close to me, I stepped up and wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. It seemed very easy to imagine a tantric meditation with him, and he seemed surprisingly responsive and positive about this. I have to say, he and Pazryrk and Mondnom are a whole lot more enthusiastic about that, than my Aeons have ever been, even those who have taken it well. But I didn’t really have the time or opportunity to get into that this morning, so I promised us another time. I did the 10 breaths exercise with him so it would be done.
Then I did the 10 breaths with Mondnom, or whatever I’m going to call him, and it was impossible not to notice that although I have a strong sense of him, I just don’t have the… relationship with him that I seem to have with Pazryrk and lion-head guy. Granted, the latter scared the hell out of me at first, but thanks to P’s encouragement we dealt with that. It occurred to me that maybe IG had intentionally brought me first, the one I needed most but had the most issues with but would still be able to perceive, and that I should bring in some help and make a point to better work with his energy. When I have time.
I did a 10-breath with the Consortium as a whole, and then I did this with the 3rd for awhile, I lost count, it went on. Then I ‘breathed with’ the Four for awhile too. During it I had a lot of flashes of stuff, and I understood that the 4th of 4 — it is a larger being than my personal identity of course, I am… not an aspect or part, I am all of it and yet… more like “a facet of it”, as if one thing were faceted like a gem, to have many different perspectives through each facet looking out a different part, and I (the identity I’m wearing with this body) am the ‘focus personality’ as Seth might call it, the ‘focus’ being ‘one of those facets.’ Anyway, I got all these flashes of memory, of various places and the Castle which is now the… er, really big rich house instead since it changed… which made me realize that while I am dirking around not being with the Four, the rest of me IS.
It’s not like everything comes to a halt with our relationship just because I’m busy that day. It is my loss; not theirs. It is some theirs, and some more the 4th’s, because when I am not ‘with’ the rest of the 4th strongly, it’s a little like when your attention is fragmented; the 4th (and the resulting Four merged) has more ‘power’ when more of the 4th is ‘focused together’. More cohesive. But really the main element suffering from the loss is me. So I spent a little while more just “breathing the Four”.
Then I realized that in a very spontaneous and natural way, I had gotten through my morning prayers, a health meditation, met a new larger-self, done my rounds with the whole Consortium, and the largers, and it had taken what, maybe an hour, and now I was ready to get up.
It occurred to me that this is the way it should be. To wake up thanking God, to shift into doing something with your soul, with your body, and with your many selves, and then be ready to start your day. How perfect is that.
P
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