I have found that:
  • → sincere prayer
  • → genuine intentions
  • → present-focus
  • → extended humor
  • → careful integrity
  • → constant work to discover and release all forms of bias in oneself
  • → dogged effort to pursue awareness, divine guidance and understanding
Leads a person to "interactive insight from the inside."

~~~
Consciously I want to evolve.
My ego resists strenuously.
I surreally "forget" so much!
So I blog for myself, mostly:
to re-read and remember.
~~~

People ask me where to begin with the complexity of the stuff on my blog. But my imaginal and related work spans 25 years as of 2016. So the real answer is "I don't know." I can't put all that in a sound bite. And one would have to understand, not just intellectually but experientially, a lot of it from start to middle to begin to understand where I am now. It is 'active imagination' work, resting on an extremely 'open' definition of archetype and energy, mapped at times to various occult patterns because they seem useful and otherwise just loosely personal; but that's not all. Short of how the blog speaks for itself that's about all I can say about it. It's a path I've built myself, for one. ~ Palyne


In the human spirit, as in the universe, nothing is higher or lower; everything has equal rights to a common center which manifests its hidden existence precisely through this harmonic relationship between every part and itself.
-- Goethe


Angels transcend every religion, every philosophy, every creed. In fact angels have no religion as we know it... their existence precedes every religious system that has ever existed on earth.
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

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In the beginning all was indivisible. And in becoming manifest, it became, seemingly, divisible. But the divisions must evolve to recognize themselves, and each other, and to then accept themselves, to truly know themselves by knowing each other. To begin, they are blended, confused; it is chaos, it is legion. They are all on the journey to indivisibility, to singularity, to the I AM. The point, of course, is not the destination, but the journey.

-- insight during the Princess of Disks meditation

Spiritual growth is like all other types: you absorb seemingly 'other' energy, and it becomes part of your own sense of identity. The growth is in awareness, and with that comes power which is always over Self.
Diversity is Legion;
Singularity is the I AM.
None of this is new although my approach to it is my own. -- Palyne



Inner Guide is Angelic. She is free of anything akin to doctrine. I call her an Angel because that is the only word I have for it, and because I know, all the way through me, that this is our word for her fundamentally divine nature. Aside from that, I don’t even know what she IS exactly, or what it means, or where it would fit into any model. She is life sized, soul wide, colors and gems and flowers and songs, everything beautiful that ever was, condensed into an identity I am completely in love with–except she feels like part of me too, so it’s like also being in love with yourself, and also with God, and also with the whole universe, both every tiny thing in your mundania, and ‘awareness’ as something so utterly, mind-bogglingly amazing — how could this exist? How could this not exist? How could I ever understand such a thing? — I am left only with joy, with awe.
-- on Inner Guide #4, aka 'Sedaena'. The first IG I had genuine conversation (and reading) with; the first real sign of my HGA.

He is so much inside and outside me, larger than me and yet the light of the tiniest particles of me, I don’t even have a word for whatever it is that he IS. I call him angelic and inner guide and the name he gave me because I have no idea what else to call this. It’s a Being and a Thing and an Event and a Place and a Relationship and… it’s like there is no label that is remotely big enough to encompass whatever it IS.
-- on Inner Guide #5, aka 'Mark.'


The boundary between the imaginational and imaginal is rather fuzzy and it is a developed skill and art to learn to stay there; to maintain your own autonomy while allowing the-others’ autonomy; to be shocked, astounded, grossed out, effused, and other surprise emotions from the interaction; all this without getting lost in the experience like a dream, yet also without pulling back to controlling the experience like a daydream. The former is being swept away by the river, and the latter is standing on the shore thinking about it; learning to walk the fine line of control and allowance to stay in that ‘imaginal realm’ actually takes practice. Crazy people think it’s all autonomous and happening ‘to’ them; people unable to allow this for themselves, may think it’s all imagination; and they’d both be right, because they are both lost; the goal is a whole world that bridges and encompasses both of those.

-- on "Interworlds Meditation"


Q: Where are you now?

Me: Well, back in my own reality.

Q: Wrong. You are in a reality version that distraction and denial have made for you.

Me: How do I get out?

Q: Wrong question. There is no space, there is no time. Where are you again?

Me: Oh. I’m wherever I "pay attention" to being.

Q: Right. You PAY attention. It is the currency of your soul. You rent your reality. Never forget that. The choice to move is yours.




Dealing with the unconscious has become a question of life for us.
The play of the imagination is incalculable.
~ Carl Jung

The imaginary can be innocuous, the imaginal never can.
~ Henry Corbin

A calling may be postponed, avoided, intermittently missed. It may also possess you completely. Whatever; eventually it will out. It makes its claim. The daimon does not go away.
~ James Hillman

There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there.
-- Albert Einstein


ABOUT ME


This blog documents much of my work in the "inter-worlds" of a greater-self. It's not just esoteric: every thing corresponds — the mundane, the arcane, the divine. If it had to be summed up you might say it is "a universe of personalization." A strange place where monotheism and ultimate-pantheism are one and the same.

I am a natural mystic, if spontaneous experiences determine such a thing. I am not religious in any way; only guidance from the inside drives me. No identities or models unless they are introduced to me from the inside. (Sometimes I use them simply for interest, or because their models are convenient doorways -- but I accept none of their doctrines.) I briefly studied theology at one point, independently (I consider constant prayer a valid part of edu too), and where it led me was "anywhere-else." It's fine for others of course. I consider the heart of free will to be that everyone has their own road. Or as Heinlein once wrote, the right to go to hell in their own handbasket.

This tends to make me obsessed with the divine yet not religious at all, in any form, which is often confusing to onlookers. I am ever in love with and in closer pursuit of integration with The Christ (which I consider a solar-planetary deity, exceeding and preceding all possible religion, though cyclically present within our species) but I'm not remotely a modern Christian, and this also tends to be very confusing to onlookers. I'm a student of archetypes and pattern systems, yet not a jungian intellectual - armchair philosophy bores me - nor a power occultist - which has its own issues (and uniforms) to say the least.

After nearly two decades of certain experiences I felt alone with and thought were unique to me, it turns out I find some harmony in the gnostic writings. I didn't get it from there, and am not fond of that doctrine and the paradigms it came in with, so I ignore it. Which means despite talking about just a few things specific to it (by unknowing accident until a few years ago), I'm not part of that model either.

The road I walk is my own. It doesn't really have an easy label or anybody else on it, that I can see. This is between me and God, so it doesn't really need to work for anybody else. I used to wish I wasn't the only person with such experiences or practices, and started a blog in part in the hope I might find others with something similar. Maybe a need for community. I'm over that now, at least I think. I walk alone, but Light is with me. Can't ask for more than that.

-- Palyne


When we understand that perception is as much about source as target; that energy is a spectrum and best psi perception comes from the center, its balance and blend; that the manifest communication of our Selves is the literal 'reality' we experience; that everything in that reality is a profound 3D language element; that insight with the ‘center’ of spectrum is likely to be via the language-symbols of 'reality;' that these need to be interpreted at the level they are received; this is the path for intentional psi.
-- Insight on the Art of RV

LaeLee, Calme and Nedlund

It occurred to me that I haven’t been behaving like I used to when I was young. 30 years ago, 20 years ago, if I had a problem, I planned a strategy for dealing with it. I was aggressive as hell about everything in my life. I always had a plan, and most of them involved insane amounts of effort and not much sleep, because anything worth doing is worth overdoing in my philosophy. No matter what I’ve pursued in my life, it has usually had that pattern. It was simply that I was determined to shape my life and my person the way I wanted.

A side effect of a childhood, particularly a teenagehood, that distorted me into someone I didn’t want to be, a creature-effect it took me about seven years of effort to break free of. During that and after that, I always swore that I would be what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, regardless of my circumstance, regardless of the world around me.

The Bewilderness period of my life changed a lot of that. It seemed as if a lot of the “driven, determined” element in me was sucked away — I suspect, in retrospect, it actually was diverted somewhat, into a part of me no longer under my conscious control. I believe this is gradually reintegrating for some time now, although oddly I don’t seem to be getting her memories. And it seemed as if the “willpower” and other qualities I associated with my solar plexus chakra — in part because I actually felt them there sometimes — were weakened greatly. I suspect, in retrospect, they actually were. (Some of this for physiological reasons, such as gluten effects, and some for more metaphysical-damage reasons.)

I was considering how completely hopeless I often feel the issues of my body are. I realize that being 49 years old does make me feel as if, had there been an answer, I’d have figured it out by now. And the severity of the problem at this point is so advanced that it tends to bring on hysteria with any focus at all, as if any attempt to look at it realistically just triggers me into panic attack and I can’t even think. But it occurred to me that my state of mind when I consider this is very much the victim, the person in the weeds of the detail — not the higher management perspective I usually and used to apply to my problems. Where along the way did I start thinking “from within the problem” instead of from outside it and above it? Because that makes all the difference.

I thought again about my role as the decision maker for this woven-body-of-chakraic-Aeonic. If I wasn’t lost in the identification with my body’s energies and griefs, what would I, the emergent property ‘identity’ decision maker — be doing about my various issues?

*

Well first of all, the fact that I’ve spent seven years getting to know the Aeons and still barely know them and am almost completely foreign to three of them is ridiculous. Obviously I have not made any sincere efforts in this regard or I’d be much better integrated by now. Senior made it clear that my integration with the Four depends on my integration with my Aeons. And Steinbrecher was adamant that any problem energy strong in your life represented something you were repressing with equal strength, which means there has to be a doorway here somewhere.

I remembered a number of life-long life-wide issues that I had, that when I took up archetype meditations, I addressed. I came up with about 5-8 different approaches to the same issue and I meditated-the-hell-out-of-them so to speak. And my reality changed radically. I mean so radically I thought my dad was making fun of me because he was being so much nicer to me than ever before. That’s not a little thing. 26 years of someone who changes so much so fast that even other people comment on it.

And changes I had so radically at work, that the utterly impossible situation there, three days later not only completely resolved in a way I’d never dreamed but within another week had me a car and an apartment, both of which I lacked. Changes so radical that I started to feel like archmeds were magick, at which point I could barely get around to doing them for anything, the change=death psychology was so overwhelming.

Have I ever set out a specific map-of-plan to deal with the Aeons I resist? To deal with the lipedema situation? No. Why not? Why am I still whining about my life sucking in certain respects when I haven’t even made the same serious attempt to deal with these things, that I have made for other things in my past?

Because I have felt helpless. Plowed under. Exhausted and grieving. I haven’t felt strong and determined.

This has got to change. It may be that these things ruin my life, as they’ve been doing and are on the edge of doing completely, but by God if that happens, never let it be said that I did not at least do everything I could, everything I knew how to do, to address the problem. Because if it turns out they ruin me and then it turns out that the only problem was I never really tried, or hard enough, or smart enough, to solve the damn problem myself, well that’s got to just be the worst.

*

Last night I made a point to do breathing with Calme, LaeLee, and Nedlund. The three Aeons on the left side that I am the least integrated with. I literally couldn’t seem to get to LaeLee without spacing out until I finally really focused with determination. I woke up and went through it all again, determined. I talked with the three of them and begged for their help, apologized for my resistance, engaged them in the effort with me, so it would be all of us.

Finally this morning, very early before work, I asked Mark if we could do some kind of archetype-ish meditation just to have something to ‘do’ to work with the energy.

We found ourselves on the edge of a cliff near a stone walkway, not very wide and it did have short walls, that went over this incredibly narrow thing of land, way way down and out until finally there was a large circular stone area at the end. Like if there was this super tiny spit of land about a quarter mile long, thousands of feet high. We walked down it, reaching the circular end, and looked over the edge.

There were buildings and such down there, ridiculously far down, a sort of ancient-days buildings, a few hundred years ago in europe maybe.

“What is this?” I asked about the long stone road to the circle we stood in, and got the word “Eyrie.” I didn’t know what that meant at first, and then slowly some memory trickled in, that it’s maybe some kind of high bird perch or nest. The circle where we stood was probably 15′ diameter which seemed a little large for that.

And then we saw it in the distance: an actual dragon. “I met one in a dream once!” I told the Aeons with some excitement. “Huge and terrifying, but also amazing and psychic. But it ate people. Scary deadly.” We could see it was coming toward us and we all crowded against one side, and it landed facing us. There wasn’t much room at all with it present. We were all trying to avoid getting near it. If we backed off any farther we’d have fallen to our doom.

I had a very difficult time looking at it. Every time I turned my attention to it I started hyperventilating. I realized that is the same response I had to Mark in his divine form — after the initial panic, that is — so I made myself focus on it, made myself focus ‘through’ the hyperventilating response.

I did the typical arch stuff, and ran the elements on all of us. When I was done, it was slightly smaller — still huge — and less weird, but still definitely a dragon, it hadn’t turned into anything else. Which means that is its actual symbolic form, that is to say, the most ideal form inside me to represent that energy. (Not the only possible form.)

I asked it if we could do something ‘with’ it to better integrate with its energy. I suggested maybe we could make a sort of saddle-cage on its back and it could fly with us, if it was willing. It was, so we all piled on, and it took off.

It flew for awhile, and I talked to it as it did, mostly in my head, attempting to simply “interact” for the sake of energy blend.

Then it did this odd thing, where it breathed this huge ring of smoke in the air, and then flew to the other side and did the same thing, making it stronger, and it went back and forth on each side of it several times until the ring seemed really solid, and then it blew flame on it that went all the way around it, and as the flame reached the part of the circle where it began, the inside-the-circle changed, as if I could see through it, like it had become a doorway but the other place was different. Just black. Then it flew us through that and we were in what seemed like space.

It turned out it was just blackest night somewhere, not outer space. It flew quite some time until we were approaching this impossibly big castle built into the top of some very craggy mountains. It flew into a bottom area, and we got down and walked around a little bit, in complete awe of how tall the ceilings were, and there was really big open space near the ceiling as if so they could easily fly out and in. We were all feeling a little overwhelmed I think, and although I was not deeply altered state, I was enough so to get a decent ‘aesthetic impact’ from the experience.

The dragon indicated we should follow him, and we walked, not keeping up very well, behind him as he went out and into a different building and then down into an area not nearly as high as the others. We went into a huge stone room and there were four stone chairs elevated in a partial circle. He had us each sit in one and he told us to put our hands over the edge of the arms. There was something kind of like a liquid-metal. It felt like metal, but it looked like liquid metal, something I’m not familiar with, bright like silvery-white, platinum effect. It went along each chair arm and back and down to the ground and to each of the chairs. I realized it was some kind of circuit. The dragon did something we couldn’t see just offside, and then blew fire into this one area that seemed to make the silvery stuff glow, and then the glow traveled through our whole circuit.

I could feel that it actually put the four of us in a sort of — not quite a psychic communication, but you might say in a definite “rapport.” The more we sat with it, the more I realized that what it really gave us rapport with was “the universe,” and just by the way, with the other parts of the universe that the other people in the circuit represented. I wasn’t sure if I represented myself or the other 9 Aeons or what but it seemed to work ok. But it was a bit slow. We were oddly comfortable, we were sitting in stone chairs in an area that logically would be freezing, but we were all super comfortable. I understood that this was going to take a long time. It wasn’t a few minutes thing.

I had to work anyway. I asked if I could just touch base with my attention from time to time, and otherwise, come back to it fully in the evening, and they all said that was ok.

*

I got off work and did a prayer with IG5/Mark touching my head and ended up falling asleep in the middle of it for some reason. Woke up a couple hours later and took the kid somewhere, got food, then wrote all the above down, and settled down to continue.

*

Mark took all of us and wove us together the way IG4 used to do. It was harder to hold my attention then. I kept having a lot of memories of small but very negative scenes in movies and TV shows. Wasn’t sure why. It occurred to me that all of us were having our own experience, and when blending one is kind of working through ‘discordant geometries’ and maybe that’s the result in each personality’s experience, is just whatever is triggered by that. We stayed woven for some hours while I focused on other things.

Meanwhile, touching base with IG5, both before that and occasionally during it, was kind of novel. He was more actively affectionate than I can remember. Not since my earliest days with him. I felt very enthused with him too — those things are connected, I’m sure. I spent a little more time with him, off and on, just praying and snuggling basically.

When I went back to the castle, he unwove us, though we were still in the big stone chairs with the circuit connection of some kind. I asked each of them in turn, LaeLee and Calme and Nedlund, if they felt we were any closer, any better adapted to one another. They all said, “A little.” but there was a sense of teamwork and good humor, which I consider more important than everything else. We breathed together some. Then the dragon came back and I said to it, “Thank you.”

Just looking at it (him?) (the dragon) as he looked at me, I started getting merge-rushing then, and I imagined that everything, everyone, the whole castle, the dragon, were all integrating into me, and got quite a decent rushing especially in my elbows and knees which I admit is the most unusual focus for that I’ve ever had. It wasn’t amazing but it was very good.

That’s one of the more “archetypal” experiences I’ve had for awhile, I think. I hope it helped some. I need to do rounds with the others now, to integrate the new energy into the whole, but then I will be back to a focus on those three. A focus with these three, and with the Cups tarot, as well as regularly very strong with Mark/IG5, are my primary goals for now.

As soon as I work through a solid dose of those, I’ll be doing a whole slew of meditations specific to lipedema because why the hell not.

P

1 comment to LaeLee, Calme and Nedlund

  • Eva

    “Where along the way did I start thinking “from within the problem” instead of from outside it and above it? Because that makes all the difference.”

    Yes, I totally agree, very hard to remember to do sometimes but also very important to remember anything can change. Reality is not stable. The most apparently set in stone things never are truly set in stone. When you don’t do something you think you want, it is because some part of you is not on board with the plan. That part has to be understood properly to move forward. For you, I feel strongly that one thing you do is set nearly impossible goals for yourself in many things, then consider yourself inferior if you don’t meet every one of them and then you worry about it. You worry a lot about not reaching various goals, but it is you who are setting the goals in the first place.

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