I found this in draft mode from 12/31/2009. I thought I would go ahead and post it.
I was thinking about something at work. Allegedly (…according to others) I have a ‘strong positive reputation’ with a few other business groups due to my previous work with a certain product line. And yet I was feeling like that was almost unfair, because I did in my opinion poorly at something else since then. I thought, maybe it’s a matter of everybody expecting their imperfections to catch up with them. But then I thought, no, it’s more than that. I mean, the good stuff was true. No problem. The assumption was that the bad stuff elsewhere “should” matter. Why, I asked myself, should it matter?
Since when does the universe itself have some moral obligation to be ever on the lookout for your smallest flaw, lurking around every moment of laziness or apathy you may display, so that it can pounce on you, taking away your admittedly good things, harming someone’s image of you who sees only good? Who says that every blurred line and fracture in the edges of the picture-of-me “should” be expected to be hunted for, dug out, and used to harm me in other ways or contexts?
It occurred to me that not only have I internalized some of the negative voices from my childhood, but a great deal of how I have unthinkingly assumed on reality, my expectations I guess, treat “the universe” as if it IS someone who hates me.
P
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