I attempted to do a med on Nero and my body last night but it just didn’t happen. Then I attempted to do one on why Pazyryk asked me why my legs wouldn’t talk to him, and the sudden perception I had when he said that, that I was standing right on the edge of this giant rounded canyon I was afraid of falling into so I stepped back quickly. I didn’t really get that done either, but did pray about it for a bit, I just spaced out in the middle of that is all. This morning I attempted to continue that, though I don’t feel I got anywhere.
Then I talked with IG. I realized for a moment, that the more aware I get, the more I will realize that letting IG drive these efforts is always the ideal meditation decision. I told her I saw this, but that I like the happy delusion that I have some clue WTF is going on which I only get when I say what I want to work on.
I considered asking her to drive a brief med before work, and then thought with some inner whining, but I never have ‘tangibility’ with her meds. Then I ‘remembered’ a zillion meds she has driven that have been the most perceptual/tangible meds I’ve done, and realized that just because SOME of them, I don’t do so well with–probably because it’s stuff I really need and I don’t yet relate well to it–I’ve kind of developed an unfair bias about that.
I started to ask her again, and then again stopped, thinking, what if she gives me another Larger instead, or something else, instead of an archmed? And then I realized you know… the point of asking her to drive is letting her decide. (You notice I said, “I realized,” instead of “aeon-such-and-such said…”. Perhaps it is getting “more seamless” as Taan once said it should be.) It occurs to me (writing this) that IG knows what I can handle and can’t likely better than I do, anyway.
So I asked her to go ahead and drive whatever she liked, whatever kind of med, whatever kind of topic. We wound through a variety of visuals, large round thick things that reminded me of these pumps in a giant dam, the visuals kind of turning and morphing and me working on ‘letting them be’, one that seemed to grow then change until it was going to be the motor of a pump that sort of air-sucked me upward, so I visualized this happening which was pretty kinesthetic and I figured that seemed to be what she had in mind since that had extra help that wasn’t me for sensation.
I found myself in what seemed outdoors in a mostly empty space with a saucer/disk shape stuck deeply into hard-packed sand in front of me. Only the edge of it was sticking out. I considered size, and it varied, as did my own size and then settled down to apparently not being relevant. It was a rather typical UFO symbol since it was silver and round.
Clearly the first thing to do was to dig it out. I began, only to remember that the more I really am vested in ‘experiencing’ and ‘focusing-in’, the better these things work, and that especially matters with IG’s meds where in many cases, I’m so un-integrated with the energy I’m lucky to perceive stuff at all.
So I grounded myself and focused-in and imagined that I was digging out all the sand packed around it. I got a lot of rushing for this, until I had completely finished. Then I set the whole thing flat, and couldn’t figure out what to do with it. It felt like it was just really thin, like a shell. It didn’t seem right to try and dissolve it. Finally I gathered that and the sand all up together and brought their energy into me as a merge, and got a chunk of rushing from that. So, that seemed to be enough.
I wondered if I should do more while I had time, or what. I had the sudden understanding then, that when I am wishing to give IG a certain freedom to work with me on a larger scale, that there is something else I haven’t considered. I’ve looked at it just like, trying to be truly open for a given meditation.
But what she really needs (I understood), is a larger span of time/commitment. Some things have to follow on other things–mostly for reasons of my own body/psychology dealing with them, integrating, working stuff through, having time in the middle for dreams, exercise, etc.
I had the clear idea presented me that if I would commit to, for example, two meditations — they could be relatively brief — per day, letting IG drive whatever the content, every day, that she would be able to make a much larger, more complex and powerful planning, rather than only working on one thing in the once-in-a-great-while that I am not only meditating but giving her the driver’s seat.
It was clear that if I really want the degree of scope/power/result I think I want, that I would make this happen, that it could make a really big, exponential difference.
I thought of programming and the vast difference between being able to have a larger-scope plan you can implement over time in a given sequence, rather than just once in awhile someone going, “OK! You have 20 minutes!” I mean that would be ridiculous, you get almost nothing done that way–and I know, based on my own projects, the difference. So … yeah. That makes sense.
Then I had the understanding I needed to be sure and write this down in my blog so I could re-read and would not forget, because it was important. So I’m writing it down.
There was something else after that which alas I can’t remember. Dammit! I don’t think it was IG. I just can’t remember … something related to the Four. Well anyway. I did at least get one meditation done.
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