Higher Selves… so much for angels

When I once perceived ‘via’ IG in tiny part briefly, I got very clearly that she is “of the Angelic realm”. And while I have no idea what her relationship is with me in terms of some boring Urantia- or Talmud- style heirarchy of X begat Y, it seemed reasonable to me that maybe she is my higher self in some fashion. And maybe she is, who knows.

But then again… maybe that is WAY higher. Or of some different nature.

After this morning’s meditation, I’m thinking that maybe some… ‘more complex’ selves come through just as normally as the… um, ‘composing’ selves of Aeons do.

If the Consortium composes me and they are Aeons, what would I call those whom I am part of the composition of, in turn? I have no idea.

I remembered my recent 2 meditations with finding and restoring Nero. I remembered this lovely framed poster I got from my best friend for my birthday, one of Michael Parkes’s beautiful art works, which I’d never seen large enough or close enough to realize that at the edge is a contained waterfall, similar to the symbolism from those meds.

I recalled that during a med, I had the sudden realization: I am the Aeon to my higher selves, and they are trying to reach me, as I am trying to reach Nero. Or something that translated to that.

***

I had the feeling that the big guy-creature I recently was introduced to by IG, MondnoM (that impossible name/word), was something like that — at least, my sudden realization of his “civilized nature” included a degree of … ultra-respect, and some recognition that I was actually quite… less than he in many ways.

I thought well, if I am supposed to imagine being with my Aeons regularly, to try and better integrate, maybe I should do that with him, also. So I thought of him and imagined holding his rather huge hands.

I realized after I heard myself say ‘Four.’ that I was counting to ten, “breathing in him, breathing out him” with each breath. I realized around five that this was his idea, I’ve no recall of communication about it. Then I wondered if he was in fact doing this with me, this breathing exercise.  I realized around 7 that my mind had wandered, but the counting helped keep and return me to the focus. That worked pretty well. I should use that with my Aeons.

I felt we were done with that, and I ‘let him go’.

***

Then I wondered about the other fellow I had seen so clearly, so briefly, the really harsh-featured man with the long blonde hair who was sitting up on something, maybe a wagon, wearing heavy furs.

“And what about you?” I asked, imagining he was with me. And he was.

Are you part of me? I asked.

You are part of me, he says.

You’re from those ancient warfaring and wayfaring people, I point out. That doesn’t strike me as particularly evolved. So how did I end up an aspect of you, rather than the other way around?

He doesn’t answer, but in my head I am first ‘reminded’ of my ‘ignorant arrogance’ by the 3rd, and then am ‘reminded’ that I merely perceive ONE of a bazillion possible “identities” that any given entity has; something in accord with my relationship with them; it has nothing to do with what they ‘truly’ are or their larger self. Others, like the Four have showed me with us, are a huge range of things.

Then I decide: who cares? When enough information or inspiration or identities are present to make whatever less-heirarchical-than-it-seems relationship structure clear, I’ll know about it, but until then, who cares.  I did think one thing was worth asking him though:

So my first perception of you was sitting up on something, a wagon or some kind of ledge, I remember.  Is this a symbol for some perception that you are ‘higher than’ me?

I feel it is, but I don’t know what he thinks about that; he doesn’t answer, yet I suddenly have the feeling that his sitting like that, and the oversized nature of the other guy, were actually both the SAME symbol, interpreted differently due to some different relationship with them. I suspected that how I perceive him is not so clear to him, and that IG is the one who answered this inside me.

Do you have a name? I ask him curiously.

Of course.

Well what is it?

You couldn’t pronounce it.

Oh, I say, feeling a little put out. So what are the letters to it?

The letters do not really exist in your language.

Oh. So how am I supposed to talk to you, call you?

You’re talking to me now, you reached me.

I realize he has a point.  I decide to do the ’10 breaths’ exercise that MondnoM had brought into me, so I begin.

Just as I finish, I have something a little like my first vision of him was–a super brief ‘clip’ that was ‘experiential’.

Two men who were ‘medics’ walked through a door and into a room that I was in, specifically to work on or with me, and I felt myself literally passing out — “swooning” — just from the sudden exposure to their energy.

But he rescued my ‘attention’, literally it felt as if I were gently but quickly floating-falling like a faint, and he reached over and grabbed me somehow and “gently but quickly yanked me back up”. So I was able to stay lucid. I found that kind of fascinating. I thought about that, and then spaced out again, started to drift to sleep. (That I was lying in the dark did not help, obviously.)

Why won’t either of your legs talk with me? he asked, although it was also, Why can’t I talk with either of your legs? at the same time, as if … as if the two different phrasings of the same general question happened simulaneously.

I was suddenly reminded of this offbeat ‘writing style’ passed down from the ancient Hebrew oral tradition, you see it in places in the old testament, where they say everything twice, the second in a slightly different way.

His question startled me back to totally alert with how really clear his voice and ‘intent’ was inside me. It was perfectly clear at that moment that to him, this made sense.

The instant I was alert I realized I was standing right on the edge of this giant deep hole in the ground and I hurriedly stepped away from it, worried I would fall in.  I felt the huge threatening hole related to this somehow but I don’t know how.  I also felt that the fact that I carry an insane amount of weight in my legs had some indirect relationship to the fact that he and they were not communicating and apparently should be.

I felt I should write this down but I was comfortable. I am sleep deprived, I wanted to sleep. I had the feeling he wanted me to, wanted me to be more aware of him, and remember this, but I resisted. Then my new Aria celfon near me bleeped and the tiny light started blinking, it wanted to be plugged in, which I’d need to sit up to do. I eyed it somewhat resentfully, thinking, “No fair. It’s on HIS side.”

Then I suddenly wondered: if some entity is… let’s just say way more powerful… if they intended for a certain result with me… would it cause probability shifts in my reality? As if some programmer were on the fly changing some piece of code that underlies my reality?  I don’t know but it struck me as an interesting idea.

I’ve got to have something to call him. To have a tag for the blog, to refer to him. “Harsh-featured ancient viking-perhaps-sorta dude in furs” is a little long. I wouldn’t know a Viking from a… er, anything else frankly. Perhaps Scythian… but alas that term has been far too polluted by time to mean too many things and peoples… I should call him Pazyryk, as those are the people we have dug up who who had blonde hair and horses and are thought by some to be the forerunners of the blond slavics. Since he refused to give me a name I suppose I should call him whatever I like. Very well, he’ll be Pazyryk, a legitimate word (see Wiki) that looks just as weird as the strange ‘multidimensional words’ of some others, haha!

***

I guess I hadn’t really given the “structure of self” much thought, aside from the Four and then the Consortium. I do not think that either of these guys are the 5th, 6th or 7th of the Four (those identities created by our combination). I can’t really perceive those except marginally and after a long time just sitting ‘with’ them (the 3rd, or, all four of us). And I am really only a ‘part’ of the 4th of 4, not all of it.  Perhaps they are larger parts.

Back in the Bewilderness days I had this humorous model I got from looking down at a bathroom floor.

I called it “The Linoleum Theory.” There were all these tiles. And each had its own pattern. But each four together, had a larger pattern. But each of the four was also part of several other ‘patterns of 4′. And then the four were part of a larger pattern (of 16 in that case), and in fact it was exponential of course.

Eventually, in that model, every tile was in a relationship — usually many of them — with every other tile in the entire room, and ever-smaller groups of ever-larger ‘patterns’ until finally there was one for the whole room, and then that was just one ‘aspect’ of ‘all floors of that tile pattern’ which was itself an aspect of ‘all tile floors’ which is really just an aspect of ‘all floors’. If you see what I mean.

I let go of that phrase in preference for the more poetic one I came up with later, the “Rainbow of Soul.” But in a way “the Linoleum Theory” is a more visually vivid example, being more numeric and complex, it seems.

So maybe there is a difference between a HIGHER self and a LARGER self. Who knew??

***

I half-slept. He (Pazyryk) was with me, and we did a variety of things and I could not hold it when I awoke, halfway, several times. I promised him I would return to him when I was better rested.

P