It’s not like my body doesn’t talk to me. In meditations. Some of my Tek Meds (for health) have been visceral, visually impactive and nauseating, and in one case (on the liver) turned out to look and ‘be’ exactly like what it apparently was like in the spontaneous med.

It’s not like my body doesn’t talk to me. In dreams. I totally lose count of the number of dreams, although most I remember as ‘fragments’ so they don’t get recorded, that are either precognitive or far more often, simply “informative,” as if my subconscious would like to talk with me and that’s how it happens.

*

Recently I wrote about having bought a toaster oven, and being very excited to make a whole list of planned recipes. The day it arrived, I was sitting in the rocking chair thinking of how awesome they would be and I would have lots of that this summer and not have to use the big stove or fire during the hot summer.

And I took a nap not long later, and had a dream which was symbolic but ended with a very, very clear message TO ME of:

Cheese let the poisons in.

I grieved. I ranted. Cheese is my favorite food. Hell, cheese has been my primary food, outside ‘meat’, since I went lowcarb years ago! Wait, what am I saying — even when eating high carb, basically my whole LIFE, cheese is one of my primary foods. Every food I love contains cheese with very rare exceptions. I was angry.

But, I validated my body, I thanked it for helping me, for telling me, and I abruptly quit eating cheese. This contributed to barely eating AT ALL for a few weeks because it wiped out like 97% of my common foods!

A couple weeks ago I had a bunch of queso blanco at a restaurant (this is a mexican cheese with some milk added, heated to melting). To my surprise there were no following dreams like “Now you’re dooomed!” or anything.

Part of my head said, well maybe it doesn’t matter then! And another part said, IT MATTERS. And gave me a lecture about validating myself and my body and my dreams that are quite obviously body messages to me. So I didn’t eat it again.

*

Until last night. I will not bore you with the rationalizations except to say I was making food, it was taking forever, and my body thought it was starving. I’d had a smoothie for breakfast which does fairly well at sponsoring appetite. I’m trying to combat the chronic anorexia I consider the biggest threat to a body that is likely mostly suffering from 40 years of profound malnutrition (partly from nutrient absorption issues).

Yesterday I took one of the new B5 and B12 tablets I just got. I haven’t yet made the time/space to sit down with all my new powders and put them in caplets.

Now, the day before I had taken 2 each and I was SO wired that I was awake until the next morning, and I’d had to force myself to find some hard isochronic tones for delta online and listened for like 90 minutes to bring my brainwaves down… I was bordering on manic. So I told myself, less of those tomorrow!  (Note: this led to the interesting wondering if nutrients effect brain waves. They do! Especially nootropics which I think at least some B vitamins naturally are. Go figure! That’s a whole interesting path of its own right?)

Pacing the kitchen, unable to find anything else I felt willing to eat, I said to myself in frustration: it makes no sense that cheese would bother me if other dairy really doesn’t!

Well alright there is that little addictive response to milk but it’s not remotely strong like it used to be and if I just avoid it but rarely it’s no big deal. Still, cheese had always seemed fine, and it is very little lactose and whey (main milk ingredients), it is mostly caseine protein.

I had found one thing to eat in my “go defrost it from the chest freezer” current poor grocery inventory, and it was based on cheese.

I ranted to myself that it was just damned unfair that the world of cheese was off-limits to me and I was going to eat some right now, damn it!

So I did. I normally eat cheddar/colby-jack/jack, sometimes mozz. I also (used to) eat parmesan, blue and feta. But dominantly the semi-hard ones that I use on nearly everything. I put 3 slices of jack cheese and some italian seasoning into corn tortillas I fried in coconut oil and ate them like a frenzied starving hyena.

*

I pointedly asked IG for “a few days off” recently. Earlier this week. I had two meditations where I had such denial and boredom I could not even finish them. I literally “walked out” of a meditation with her in the middle, two nights in a row. I wrote down a ref to what I’d had so far and told IG, from a distance, I would go back in and finish it later.

The third night it took incredible discipline just to get me to her. I felt as if I were burned out. I don’t know why. I don’t see any reason to be. But it felt like a sort of “underlying exhaustion” hard to put words to. So I asked her if I could take a few nights off, and I know consistency is a huge issue for me, but please. She indicated it was ok but asked me to still come and imagine ‘breathing with her’ so I have done that.

Last night, I felt it was time, and ‘a few days’ is not ‘a week’ so I went back in. I had such horrible denial that I couldn’t even stay focused on IG more than 2 seconds without my mind wandering. It was obvious to me that I really NEED to deal with this, anything like that is an actual energy that I am having problems with, like not being able to stay focused on an archetype.

But after fighting myself repeatedly I took the wimp escape: I fell asleep.

*

I was trapped in a dream loop. When I’m not getting something I may have the same dream with tiny variation repeatedly, dozens of times or more.   There was a thing, there was some thing that I was supposed to understand and couldn’t. I was sleeping poorly, might be part of it.

It had something to do with my eating cheese.

Then this word, totally clear, and I WOKE UP WITH IT as I have begun doing a whole lot more the last year–like my Aeons and the Four (or my ‘subconscious’ not sure there’s a difference…) understand if they can wake me up abruptly, that information is clear in me.

I understood this was important, pay attention, this is IT – except it was stripped of all meaning.  This is weird, I mean it was a ‘raw sound’ as if one were looking at a ‘word’ which only came through as ‘raw shapes’ instead of getting it like letters let alone the meaning.

I held onto the sound while I woke up, telling myself, hold on! wake up! you have to get this recorded somehow, so you can figure out what it means!

The sound was RENNET. The sound had no meaning at all at first. And I typed out the letters after grabbing my laptop. Visually it had no meaning at all either. Like finding some heiroglyphics totally foreign to you, and a sound version of that too.

But I knew I’d heard it somewhere… I mean I knew it wasn’t a person’s name, for example. Clearly my mind had some kind of idea.

Then I realized: wait, isn’t this the stuff used to make some cheeses?

Then I realized:  wouldn’t this be an ingredient separating cheese from other dairy??

And yet, I was pretty sure that rennet was an animal product, even a human product, so how could that matter?

I went to wiki… and seriously, this is hard to believe, but:

It talked about how ‘natural’ rennet is made from veal but eons ago that got way expensive so they found a chem version and then later they created a “GMO” (genetically modified organism) version based on soy which is most of what’s used in the making of basic non-soft cheeses in the USA today.  This is all based on a mold and there are several other ingredients that go into making it all happen by the time it’s done.

Because of the above imperfections of microbial rennets, some producers sought further replacements of natural rennet. With the development of genetic engineering, it became possible to insert cow genes into certain bacteria, fungi or yeasts to make them produce chymosin. Chymosin produced by genetically modified organisms was the first artificially produced enzyme to be registered and allowed by the US Food and Drug Administration. [...] By 2008, approximately 80% to 90% of commercially made cheeses in the US and Britain were made using GM-based rennet. One example of a commercially available genetically engineered rennet is Chymax, created by Pfizer.  [...]  The so-called “GM rennets” are suitable for vegetarians if there was no animal-based alimentation used during the production in the fermenter. However, genetically engineered rennet is often produced from soy or phytic acid, which is unsuitable for people who have soy-based allergies. — Wiki

OK, totally aside from the GMO chemical and a couple other things involved — you mean to tell me there is SOY in ORDINARY CHEESE?! Who knew?!  I didn’t know that. I know of a lot of soy-intolerant people who later decided they had to give up even cheese and now I wonder how many of those reactions were based on the soy, not the nature of cheese.

Wiki says the following cheeses are made with acids not Rennet: chhena, cottage cheese, cream cheese, paneer, quark, queso blanco, raejuusto, rubing, possibly mascarpone, and half a dozen more I’ve never heard of. Many made in other countries use natural rennet, or chemical but not the GMO soy version. I suspect many cheeses we get are made in the USA or Britain rather than imported, and may be processed in their own cheapest way no matter the native/traditional format from the country of origin.

All wiki says about colby jack which is what I normally eat and was planning to for about 6 meals in my new toaster oven when I had the first dream, is that it “is of the mold species.” I assume that means Rennet instead of acid. Earlier tonight what I ate was jack. The Ch, CJ and J are semi-hard american-made cheeses I get at walmart.

So… the assumption that if cheese is any issue for anyone it must be caseine protein at fault might be wrong. That is not the only ingredient going on there.

I’ve had a lifetime aversion to anything that is based on soy, for no particular conscious reason, I just didn’t want to eat it. During my vegetarian era, this meant I lived on bread, cheese, fruit smoothies, and NatureBurger — a grains/seeds thing that you can form into a rough shape and fry. Many I knew ate tofu and stuff, even in smoothies, but for some reason it all just kinda grossed me out. A few years ago here on the forum I read about soy being hormonally nasty which seemed to support avoiding the stuff, plus soy sauce has gluten. I super rarely have soy sauce but Ry likes it. I recently heard of “coconut aminos” that are a stir-fry sauce that tastes a lot like soy sauce, but are based on coconut instead, have tons of amino acids and way less sodium, so I just got some and haven’t tried it yet.

So I have no idea if I have some kind of reactivity to soy. It’s not uncommon especially for people known to be gluten sensitive. But I’ve just never eaten enough of the stuff to know.

It is perfectly clear that my super high weight is based on a lifetime of profound nutrient issues though, and some are lack of nutrient but usually some are pure toxins, too. I’m currently working on a routine starting shortly to detox for heavy metals and more, as well as to do another “Hyper-Nutrient” experiment using an emphasis on absorbing via the skin (transdermally) vitamins instead of through the gut.

*

I have a baseline requirement that if my body goes to all the trouble to TELL me something, that I listen to it, I take it seriously, I validate it, because I spent most of my life not doing so, and a few thousand times it has turned out to be right over the last 15 years.

I will grant my recent dream about dying did not happen, however it did seem that the nature of the dream and awakening was as if to inform me of the impending probability path and that doesn’t mean one has no free will, and I made strenuous efforts related to food, not driving, emphasis on focus and intent to live, etc. as a result of it, so who knows, maybe I simply changed the path.

So now part of me is thinking: so might this make imported feta ok, and cream cheese (aside from the gums) ok, cottage cheese, imported blue cheese and gorganzola, and quesa blanco? Granted these are not really what I want to eat. I’m a mexican food freak, cheddar/jack is hugely important to me. But might ‘natural’ or chemical rennet (versus the frankenfood soy based chemical used in most american made cheese) be ok?

I can’t afford to buy imported cheeses, even cheddar. Frankly I can barely afford the cheap american stuff! But… being able to eat greek salad, blue cheese dressing, cheese dip with homemade tortilla chips, cheesecake, would be SOMETHING more than total evasion of all cheese.

*

I believe my ‘rationalization’ of ‘how could this possibly matter!’ and emotional frustration about it because I was so hungry and that’s what I had, simply brought me the answer of why it matters… of what it is in cheese that lets the poisons in for me.

I certainly would never have known that my cow-milk cheddar/jack cheese had GMO soy in it, if not for this dream.

PJ

IG, I suspect I whined, you know how in remote viewing, if the front-loading is super generic you can still get away with it? Well, I feel like my being clueless as to what is ‘going’ to happen even in ‘nature’ — archetype work, entity introduction, another world, etc. — is hard for my brain. I feel like if I at least had some heads-up on the ‘genre’ of what we’re doing for a given experience, that it would help reduce the imaginative interference.

She didn’t say anything. Of course, she seldom says anything. She responds directly so seldom I’m agog when it happens. Oh well, it was worth a try, I thought to myself with some humor. Negotiate with Angels, right!

She put out her hand and a line-drawing picture of a sort spread over the room-height/width window that was about ten feet in front of where we sit. By the time it was done, it looked like a rough line sketch of maybe an old, raw village, and I mean really old like, somewhere between 400BC and 400AD kind of old. And then the outer ‘world’ that we look out on — which she sometimes changes, and which I can change if I really focus and hold it — began to shift, and when it was done, I was looking “through” the line drawing on the window, at this exact village, as if you had seen it out the window and then traced over the broadest outlines of what you were seeing.

That was such a cool effect! I said to her, impressed. Very creative! –and then I realized: this actually told me what was coming. Very generally. I could imagine her making the outline of beings or wherever I might be going. I realized she had answered me and provided what I asked.

I imagined myself transitioning ‘through’ the sketch on the windowpane to the village out in the distance. If you could call it that. It was more like some huts, many together, near the sea. Some people were on the shore doing something to fish or shellfish I guessed. As I stood there, I sensed my name being called, and I turned and it was the 3rd. There followed a sequence I decided was too much imaginative influence and I forced it back to the beginning and said, “Do-Over!” and we began again.

I reminded myself and him how I wanted to be all of the Fourth in attention and with him. He pointed out that I hadn’t done a single visualization of that in the day, not a single moment of ‘being’ with the Four, and if I wanted this truly, why was I making no effort toward it?  I suck, I groused at him, but you know this energy is part of you too! He laughed a little. Yes, but it’s easier to project that onto you, he admitted. I rolled my eyes, and took his hand and we walked through the area, which had so little of interest in it I was really hard pressed to figure out why I was here.

A couple of people in the village gave us the warning as they went scurrying toward the sea with shouts. We turned to the inland to see an actual “giant” coming. Now, by giant I mean a person who was about 20 foot tall. But since most of the villagers were probably from 4-5.5′ tall at the most, that was pretty giant by comparison. I couldn’t figure out why it was coming but on the whole, he didn’t seem real bright, and it had the monster overlay a bit. I mean it was clear the people knew it and expected destruction.

I was stumped. I mean, what to do? I don’t want to “interfere” too much. For whatever reason of non-appropriate-ness, that isn’t the solution. I didn’t have a lot of time for a whole archetype working. And just appearing like some glowing woman with a sword wasn’t going to turn this guy away like it had a few soldiers in Galana. So how could I deal with it?

Change the variables, the 3rd advised mildly.

I looked at the giant. What did that mean? Like his height?  The weather? Actually I suspected the latter might be one approach, but probably wasn’t what he meant. And then I got it.

The coming “event” was the answer or outcome. The giant was one variable of the equation. The other was… the people. Could I change them? Were these particular ones–most of them, anyway–not yet evolved enough in awareness that I wouldn’t be violating their free will by forcing awareness-evolution?  I “felt it out.” It felt ok. I didn’t have very far to bring them–at which point I could no longer interfere with them–but it might be enough. I could hope.

It occurred to me that in a way I was doing what the bad guys had done in The Dark and Fiery Coup. They helped a native creature ‘evolve’ to their own potential. It was within the rules they were allowed to operate in. It’s simply that by doing so they’d made a big, ever-growing difference in my world, and the devolution (as opposed to evolution) of the energy-focus of our people.

I imagined energy going out from every one of my chakras and wrapping the whole village and shore and the people in a swirling powerful energy vortex. I put myself in the very center of it, and I focused on my crown connecting to the center of the universe above me and my base connecting to the center of the earth below, and combined fierce-intent and emotional-willing and prayer together and imagined this fundamentally changing the people, “bringing them up ‘with’ me.”

I observed from within all that, the giant nearing the outer huts. After a few moments, he began to flicker a bit. I understood it was like I was seeing that he was only present in ‘some’ probabilities. And I just held on tight and kept up the effort, until he was flickering more off than on, and finally had vanished entirely. Then I let go. They–we–were no longer in the probability where their consciousness was bringing about the equation.

I don’t remember anything else. In fact, this morning, I remembered right up to the point of “seeing” the giant and then had zero memory. I thought I had fallen asleep and I was going back to complete it, when I ported there and brought the 3rd and he “opened in me” the memory of what had come after that. So, I suppose the meditation finished, although it seems a shame I don’t remember anything else. It seems like I don’t get very much accomplished with IG most of the time. I really need to have 2-3 shorter sessions with her instead, I expect.

P

Afternoon didn’t happen. Did get food and supps today though. Last night’s MM sucked, I lost it.

Because I’ve lost my mind I’ve decided to try blending my own nootropics. Just wait till someone sees my fractional gram scale and white powder.

Tonight, I was allegedly ready around midnight but was in such denial that I managed to screw around for nearly an hour and a half before forcing myself to go see IG. This is the first time I’ve had resistance like this since I began “finally being consistent” which I think was about two weeks ago now. I finally realized that if I’m resisting this much, it probably means I need to get my butt in there even more. I figure, perhaps when something in me is getting closer to change that might happen, which only indicates more discipline is needed… I am dedicated. Finally. So I made it happen.

I didn’t tempt fate with all the normal lead-in stuff. I took 3 calming breaths and then ported to IG, who wasted no time either. After some very confusing swirling motion I was flat on my back looking up at the sky. Some creature that looked a lot like a person except with eyes 3x too big and perfectly round leaned over me as if standing above me. I had a flashback to the pinhead-world which I had entered a bit similarly. But he just grabbed my hand and pulled me to standing, indicated with a head nod I should follow him and took off walking. I tried to keep up. It seemed like we walked for a really long time but maybe I wasn’t “following/allowing” well enough.

I also couldn’t see my environ except the people. Like my brain was blue-screening it. We went ‘into’ something like a doorway and some ways back into what seemed a very cramped, enclosed structure, and then stepped into something like a metal small round platform with railings around the top. I sensed he grabbed these firmly, so I did too, and then we dropped, and after a few moments what seemed like floors–striations in colors and the whompf-whompf rhythm of sound was all I could make of it–went past. We went a ridiculously long way down, till we began slowing, and I got a little more visual. Aside from the thing we stood inside holding onto, this was not an elevator, more like a single shaft. We were surrounded by air. Where we stopped, about six feet away from us a floor-like surface was extending, and when it reached us, he stepped out and I followed him, again ‘into’ what seemed like a rather enclosed hallway. We walked quite awhile and down a couple corridors and then finally, what seemed an actual door.

I could hear people talking in the room but couldn’t understand any of it. He opened the door and went in and said something, and when I followed him in, there was silence. There was a long table with chairs all around it. There were about 20-odd people around it, if you want to call these creatures that, all of them had the huge lemur-like eyes. Except one guy, a perfectly normal looking man perhaps in his 50′s, in a military uniform sitting near one end of the table. After the initial silence, talk brought out in some consternation it seemed. I got that the man had been sent to fetch me though I didn’t know how he would know I was there. Some people shuffled to get me a chair and they put me in the very end one, I believed so they could all stare at me. I tried to hear their language better but it was never real clear. The man who had brought me was seated at one side of the table near the middle. It got quiet again.

Tell me how you got here, he says to me, which I understood perfectly well.

You speak English! I said.

Now maybe this is silly, normally everyone speaks English in the worlds of my head, like Star Trek apparently there’s a universal translator stuck in the brain. But given they’d all been clearly speaking some other language, and he hadn’t spoken to me at all, I’d just assumed…

Several of us do, most of us understand it, he says to me.

I had a “gut sense” all the sudden from the normal man in the military uniform who was about four feet from me on the right. To be “wary.” To be a little cryptic. And this very “tenuous” sense best compared to a viewing “overlay” experience, something about making it all seem more… technology-based than it really was, in some respects, and to seem like I knew more than I did, like if I was smart and had survival skills, I would do these things. I avoided looking at him, with the sudden slightly paranoid suspicion that perhaps they would think he and I had some conspiracy connection if I did.

So I forced myself to relax, and to appear as if I had no uncertainty, no worries, and knew more than they did. About whatever.

I got here the same way anybody gets anywhere, I said with a slight shrug. Through intent.

Talk in their language broke out instantly as they clearly argued among themselves. They all seemed to agree with one sharp-voiced man near the far right side of the table who’d spoken to the guy, I sensed to have him ask me something else, though, as they got quiet.

What was your mode of transportation? he asked me.

I considered how I could answer this without it seeming more spiritual than technical.

Angelic Technology, I said.

More sudden burst of conversation from the big-eyes. Unfortunately my brain is not behaving well right now and I can’t recall the rest of the conversation but it was all basically of that nature. My impression was these guys were actually the mil intell of this world, all the questions were pretty specific to that nature.

They said something about the human-man there and I looked directly at him then, and I had the impression that I should appear warm toward him, as if finding a friend from home, as if I would be more open with him than with them just because he was of my kind. I thought I might have gotten this from him, again. Not sure why I felt like I could feel HIS intent. But I followed that gut-sense lead, to give them that impression.

At one point, I could ‘feel’ far more clearly what they were saying though I still didn’t understand a word. And finally I said more than I had before, in a rapid, no-nonsense tone, addressing each of the people who were speaking out in different ways, clearly having understood what they were saying.

So you speak our language! the guy who brought me gasped.

No, I have simply learned to understand what you mean, I shrugged.

This almost left them agog for a moment before conversation broke out again. After many more pointed questions and bursts of chatter, they spoke at the human guy, who agreed with something, and then suggested to me that I come with him. We got up and left the room and the ramp took us to the small elevator ‘post’ which took us way ‘up’ — which was still quite far down — and we went into a different place. This appeared to be a whole area where people, in this case the big-eyes, lived.

We went to his apartment, is what it seemed like, and I was delighted to see a window along the whole far wall. I ran to it to look out and see what the world was like outside. But I couldn’t see anything, I could tell my mind was blocking me, just like it had when I was walking in. And later I realized it couldn’t be truly ‘outside’ given we were way the heck deep in the ground. But it did have what really, amazingly seemed like daylight to me, coming through that window, and I wondered if they had some fiber-optic like technology to make that possible. The man offered me a drink. I looked at him silently for a moment, and then decided to be as forthright as I could be with him. Why not be honest?

Eating or drinking in the land of faery is not good, I say. It entraps you. I’m not really clear on what this kind of world qualifies as, but just in case, I don’t think I should.

He considered me, and I sensed he was noting that I suddenly seemed very honest and more vulnerable than I had in the room with the other guys, and though that made sense, when you’re in the middle of a bunch of people who are basically aliens of some kind.

It will help anchor you here, but it won’t trap you here, he said. I sometimes eat when I arrive just to help settle my attention.

Speaking of attention, I lost it. I pulled myself back, and made myself pull to a moment after whenever I’d spaced out. He was staring at me.

Did I disappear? I asked him.

You… you phased, sort of, he said, as if a little fascinated with that. I felt that he knew about it, he’d just never seen it for himself.

Sorry. I’m learning to pay better attention, I apologized. Then I realized he’d suggested that HE got here the same way I did–attention. So where am I? What is this place? I continued, suddenly feeling more comfortable with him.

A close parallel world, he said. Slightly different evolutionary path. Technology a bit behind in some more dangerous areas, a bit ahead in some of the more benign ones. 

So all these big-eyed dudes are… are people, I said.

He looked at me a little oddly then, as if what else would they be?  Of course.

How did you get here? I asked him.

They got to us once, he said. One of them, anyway. I followed him back here. 

Again I decided to be honest and open with him.

I can feel you, I confessed. Since I sat down in that room. Feel your intent, a little. Feel what you mean, what you’re thinking. Not in detail, just kinda. Which is how I know that there’s a lot more you aren’t telling me. I don’t know how long I’m here for, and I may never be here again, and it was really damn boring following that guy all over until we reached that room, I griped. So have mercy on me would you, and just tell me something specific enough to keep my attention from spacing? So maybe I can figure out why I’m even here at all?

After staring at me silently a few moments, he broke into a big grin suddenly.

Fair enough, he said.

He told me that over a decade before he’d been a regular soldier, in our world–he seemed to think we were from the same one–and one of the big-eyes had ended up here. Not in attention, but literally via tech–like a UFO. The brass had been trying to figure out how to talk with him and one of them recalled, he’d once had some dinner conversation with an officer who’d told him of this guy he thought was very clearly psychic. So for the cause he’d worked out who that was finally, and they had dragged this guy in. He didn’t understand the big-eye guy but after sitting with him awhile, he did start to get a good gut-sense of him.

Maybe because he’d been so fascinated, he actually fell into a dream that night where he found himself “in” the world that the big-eye had come from. He picked up several words that came to him, that seemed related. The next day, he tried the words out on the alien guy who really reacted to them, amazed that apparently our guy knew something about where he was from. The brass were very impressed. When our guy told the brass how he’d simply gone there in a dream, they told him to try again, consciously, to see if he could get there, since it did seem like the info he’d picked up had been relevant.

So he tried again, and he found it actually wasn’t difficult at all. Now that he knew it existed. He simply intended to be there. And he worked out the name of the visitor fellow, and he went back to the guy’s world and said nothing, allowed himself to be taken into what seemed an isolation unit and then an interrogation, and he gave the fellow’s name, as if to imply that it was a… like a trade. Like our people had their guy, and our guy had been sent to them. Like a diplomatic mission of sorts. It wasn’t really anything like that, I don’t think. But it seemed like a good way to play it at the time. They seemed oblivious to the fact that our guy was there mentally and could simply vanish when he wanted as they locked him up and walked him around places. But after awhile they put him in an apartment and started teaching him their language and eventually he became one of them. They had gradually gotten used to him and his tiny little eyes, and he worked with them.

But he still lived with us. He wasn’t really in his apartment they gave him at night. He would lie down and then just be back in our world. But he spent a full time job worth of hours–more, really–in his head, in their world. He’d simply put himself back to the time of the next morning for the next day.  I had the feeling, though, that his physical life here was severely impacted by this, and that mentally it had side-effects too. I mean if you spend 12 hours in your head in one world and then you have a few hours in this world before sleep and it starts all over again, eventually you’re going to have some  context issues.

What do I look like to you? I asked curiously.

He surveyed me critically. Blonde hair, blue –

I get it, I cut him off. And do you look like yourself here?

You tell me, he says with a grin.

Mid-50′s I’m guessing, silver hair, medium build, strong jaw, I said. His smile got broader.

Definitely my “residual self-image” he said, which I recognized as a quote from the Matrix movie, at least where I’m from, but he was laughing, and I had the feeling that wherever his body was sitting, his impression of it was more like some very fat mostly-bald glasses-wearing single older man. That struck me as kind of funny too, and I said, “Yeah, I know the feeling!”  But it was far more ‘real’ for him than me, I guess because he was there all the time. To me it’s a world in my head and I wasn’t even very altered state so no real kinesthetics. For him it was a real-reality.

We sat around and talked and eventually I said you know, I think I must have some serious sexual repression going on, given how much of that energy is in my inner world. Either that or the whole Mars in Scorpio thing is more serious than I realize. I pulled him to me and said, So how about it? Is it possible for two people who are not even in a place, either of them, to have sex there?  He seemed to think this was a great idea.

It went alright excepting that I ‘phased’ a couple times during it — Pay attention! he commanded as he kissed me, and then I started giggling because nothing must be more aggravating than to be in the middle of something like that and have your partner spacing out because they’re not paying attention. It was a bit odd for me, as if the experience rolled through my being dominant, my being ‘behind’ the experience of someone else dominant, my being completely spaced out entirely, etc. Before we even got anywhere he apologized that it likely wasn’t going to take long, which I found funny. I laughed and told him I’d have to come back and meet him there so we could practice. And we laid there and talked for quite awhile more before I left. I had the distinct impression I was the first human he’d been able to truly relate to in a very long time.

He gave me his full name. It was Anthony W. ___ something which I can’t remember, but then I figure just on the incredibly rare, unlikely event he really IS from my world and not just utter imagination, better I don’t have that on the internet anyway (no paranoia here…). He goes by “Tony.” He asked me questions, saying he thought it would give him something interesting to report that another one of our people were there, similar to him, so I answered him honestly, so he’d have enough to make it worth a report, all but my name. I told him if I were able, and it seemed right, that I would come back and see him again there.

I actually fell asleep about 3/4 of the way through that, woke up (kid woke me up) and continued. Then I went back to IG.

Really IG, I said in some consternation, Even without the whole casual sex element, that just doesn’t seem very… um… well very spiritual to me.

She said nothing, but I sensed she was asking why I would expect these experiences to “seem spiritual.”

Well if I were… if I were, you know, more evolved, more attuned to the holy, would that experience have been different?

All experience is different when you are different, she said inside me, and I admitted that did seem rather obvious now that I thought about it.

I wondered if the point was just learning to pay attention. Maybe in answer, I realized a few things.

I had forgotten to ask about how time worked there compared to here, which after the oddity with Galana I should have thought about. I forgot to ask what that world, or the people, were called. I forgot to ask about a ton of stuff that seemed quite relevant now that I was out of it and thinking about it. In fact, I’d spent what felt like a few hours there, although nearly one whole hour of it was probably spent walking it felt like, and the information I’d come out with was pathetically limited. Not only that, I couldn’t even remember half of what I’d gotten, either because I’d fallen asleep or just not been paying good enough attention.

I realized that these worlds amount to “training exercises.” Attention is not merely what kept me present ‘there’, it was what allowed me to ‘observe’ there, and what allowed me to ‘remember’ what I observed. All these things were implicitly tied together.

IG, I said, If this is like exercise, is this something I should be doing outside our time, so the time you and I have can be focused on something more important?

This is important, she replied inside me.

So, maybe the world or who I meet or what I do there doesn’t mean anything at all. (I hear inside me, after typing that: Everything means something. It’s simply that there may be other values to the experience, as well.)

Well in a way I guess this actually relaxes me a little. I think I’ve been trying to figure out some kind of profound or cosmic deeper meaning in these various worlds, but maybe there isn’t really anything like that. Maybe it isn’t about the world, it’s about the practice of learning to ‘be’ via these worlds, and it’s merely that most of them have some secondary factor which might also make them interesting or valuable in some way.

It’s clear that I am more likely to ‘pay attention’ if there is a man involved; particularly if there is a soldier element, although this is something I have had from childhood–a strong empathy with soldiers, as well as other-life snippets of being one at times which might be why, but I might add that this is about the experience not the uniform so some people come through with that energy who aren’t, and some don’t who are–and if whomever was in focus was aware of me so we were interacting. As a mere observer, such as with the artist woman, I completely suck, it’s just so boring I can’t stand it.

I sense from IG that patience (or lack thereof) is one of the qualities that ‘attention’ is actually part of. Like if I were better developed, I wouldn’t require such ‘stimulation’ to hold it, but I also would be a lot more patient, more willing to just “observe and allow” without having to be the center of attention myself. I hadn’t though of that. That boredom is a need for stimulation which is actually related to one’s ability to hold attention. I wouldn’t have correlated those things on my own I suspect.

P

I’ve been making more effort to touch base with Aeons – chakras – aspects – prayer each day. Granted, I cannot yet see any particular difference from this, except perhaps that by the time I’m done, I feel somewhat better. Maybe that’s enough.

I’ve been making a point to ‘breathe with’ the 6 that IG recently introduced me to, and the 6 largers (only 4 of whom I’ve met, only 3 of whom I’ve named), despite that I get no real sense of focus from the other side. Also the ‘instincts/habits’ aspect and the small elephant that IG once introduced me to.

Monday 01 May 2012, Midnight Mass with IG

I dropped into the zone an hour before time and went through breathing-with and other things for an hour first. When I got to Jared and El Nino, this was a little different, El Nino was talking to me (which is very rare) and pointing out that anything can be anything (initially he was pointing out that the elephant-guide could be human if I merely requested that form). And he turned into a man and said, like how he could be a man. I was delighted and after some back&forth, he and Jared and I merged. Then they wanted to stay merged, so then we did the next Aeon on the round — that’s Calme or “Auk Sham” as I call her — and they adore her, and she joined us too. Then we finished the round and when we got to Nero, he joined us too.

So I was sitting there with Jared, El Nino, Calme and Nero in me, and I thought for some reason of the pictures I see online of the chakras. Maybe that was next on the list, I forget. It suddenly occurred to me that when I saw the “square cube” for the solar plexus in the chakra-gem world, that perhaps if someone in ancient days were drawing that, it would be 8 sided star or something. Then it occurred to me that I am a star, we are stars, I saw a ‘soul’ once (someone dead) as  ’star + shade’, and it seemed like an epiphany for some reason, I thought: right now, with them and me together, we are a 5-pointed star!  I have no idea why this seemed like a big idea at the time, but I had all kinds of merge-rushing from the realization.

IG said we could be together so they stayed with me. She dropped us in a big room with beat music and people all over, clearly a party of some kind. We found this woman that Calme recognized, like she was of her energy. She was a young woman and slightly high on something. We got her out of there and got her to go home and then… I lost track of what the hell we were doing–Nero pointed out my lousy attention span I might add–but somehow, we actually “became present in her” — to her notice. So basically this woman realized all the sudden that she had like six people that were all part of her somehow. I was reminded of the afternoon I first met the Aeons, whom I called the Coalition and then the Consortium — they were arguing over WHO got to give me some remote viewing data. It was quite astounding. That was 1998, summer, in fact I think it was right after I had left the remote viewing field (I was out for 4 years). Anyway, that she did not run screaming into the night is to her credit. I don’t remember a lot more.

IG said the others were distracting me, which was possibly a diplomatic way of saying I had the attention span of a 3 year old, and so they left. So next, I had been thinking of Galana and the two people I had met there and wondered how they were doing. Wondered if I would ever see them again. Wondered if they are real on some level. Wondered why it is that I feel such genuine deep feelings for the man, in particular, when he is just something in my head I met a couple of times. I know I felt the 3rd’s energy in him, maybe that’s why.

Anyway, I didn’t end up there. I was on the street someplace that seemed a lot like here frankly. Modern day city. Late morning, slightly overcoast, windy, cars all over. A woman (age indeterminate to me) with long straight dark hair was walking, carrying this big artist’s portfolio she was fighting with on a windy day. I understood I was there related to her, so I made myself invisible (just to be sure I was) and followed her closely.

At one point she would have lost the whole flat case but I grabbed it and held it until she could grab it. (I suddenly wondered if such a thing has ever happened to me. How many times would we have been screwed if not for some lucky break that is some aspect of us saving our ass?)

I followed her into a building eventually. She had an appointment with some other woman, older, who looked at her art, they talked, and apparently she got the work, as I couldn’t hear them specifically but she ‘felt’ very happy about it. I followed her home, to a small place she shared with two other women, who were very happy for her.

Then I went to IG and said, I am bored out of my mind! What is the point! I mean ok, at least with Galana I was relatively interested in the people, especially the man I had such an instant draw to, but also to the shaman woman. But this is so boring! So she let me out of it.

Here’s hoping the point of that was simply to practice the experience of being in a whole ‘nuther world, and not something profoundly important that I lost because I was so bored I couldn’t stand it anymore. Maybe she is an aspect of me, so what.

*

I’ve listened to several of the Monroe Institutes’ “Human Plus” series. When I listened to the detox one, I was profoundly sad and depressive later. That probably suggests it was working but it wasn’t instructed to be put into the waste disposal systems. That can happen in biogram work bigtime. Gotta instruct for that.

*

I’ve been working on a script to make myself a meditation MP3 that will combine relaxation, chakra med, maybe breathing with the Aeons, some positive stuff and prayer, maybe making it in pieces so I can later mix & match. I want to do a few tracks so there are voices in diff ears and probably some binaural behind it. I’m doing it slowly, it’s been days and I only have the relaxation part written down.

*

I did a psi session today, allegedly with Marcan but I saw no sign of him. We had a talk after and he allegedly is going to help now that he sees how I do it on my own. I tried to focus with the heart/solar plexus, one way or another, which was difficult for me as usually I am “in my head.”  Potentially on target, maybe if I’m generous, but a pathetic session. Well he’ll get props either way since it can only get better. I usually suck for 3-4 weeks initially after being out a long time anyway, it should pass.

*

I want to start doing a brief time with IG midday. Originally that was what she requested. Two a day, split like that, even if they weren’t very long. At one point we were holding hands and breathing together and she said, “At least this.” But I haven’t done that. So I’m getting a little more dedicated.

I think I have done midnight mass 20 days running now, minus 2 together (the first was the night where–the next morning–I dreamed I was going to die). That’s more than in many many eons, like maybe Jan 2006 or so since I actually did that many meditation times running. Of course if I delete from that all the times I passed out and don’t remember anything for whatever reason, whether sleep or denial or a novel energy, the number would be a whole lot smaller!

*

I’ve been more anorexic the last 3 weeks than in years. I managed to get myself to make a smoothie this morning, using raw coconut chips (unsweetened from tropicaltraditions.com) in water mixed up with the magic bullet blender, then added a little frozen berries, most of a small banana, some tiny ice cubes, and a little bit of lemonade concentrate (have a little fructose and more why don’t I). It had the very nice effect of actually giving me — momentarily — both energy and appetite. Although this didn’t end well, it was a gluten-free and a good sign that if I can just get food made and then the smoothie, and drink the smoothie, I’m likely to the eat the food, and then I can take supplements. I’ve had such a hard time eating anything at all. The irony that I weigh enough for 3 people yet have chronic anorexia for years is not lost on me.

I remember the Narrator once telling me that in many lives I had died because I refused to eat. And my best friend was pointing out that 80# anorexic’s organs give out so how much worse is it when I need way more protein and nutrients than the average person and get none? So far, eating something that jacks up my blood sugar is the only thing that gives me enough energy and appetite — for about a 20 minutes period — to do anything. Otherwise I have no energy (I barely move) and no appetite (I have zero desire to eat, not even sweets, nothing). If I can get protein down me, a bunch of it, then I’ll have more energy. At tops it’s a low-energy day for other humans but at least I can function better.

If someone put it in front of me, I’d eat it. But since I have to make it, and can’t have cheese, or gluten, or anything too horrible, it means 98% of the food options are out short of  a whole meal cooking episode. If I could eat wheat and cheese I’d be all over that. It occurred to me to wonder something — bear with me this is a bit abstract:

When I was young, anything I did faced fierce opposition. Merely surviving each day was a big deal. When I was nearly 18 my only problem is that I wanted to do so much, be so many things, making the decision was the hard part. Then my dad split from his 4th wife and all the sudden I had no resistance whatsoever. Psychologically it was bizarre and eventually horrible. I realized it was like someone who learned to swim not really by swimming, but by an immense strength to push-off from the side. Remove that, and all they can really do is tread water. That’s exactly what I felt like. Basically my brain had never learned to operate under those conditions.

Well I wonder if the way food hijacks the brain, especially the proteins most famous for doing it like wheat and dairy, might function a little like this. Like maybe I am entrained to eat based on the brain addiction factor, and the ‘reactive’ slight craving response that intolerance causes in some people. So maybe over the course of 46 years I learned to eat not based on unusual things like, oh, being hungry or not being hungry, but instead, being brain-stimulated one way or another. So, when I go gluten-free, and cheese-free, suddenly my brain has no stimulation or ‘reaction’.

I have gluten-free stuff (and rice makes me react too, but not the same way wheat gluten does at all) and I have no interest in it. If I had wheat based bread, or the mixes I have for GF were wheat-based, they would all already be gone. Instead I have a freezer filled with the stuff in bulk. I just don’t eat it. I just have no desire to eat it, even though it tastes good, there is no motive at all, even if I’m standing next to them. Maybe my brain just never really learned to operate properly when it comes to this subject because it was fed foods it was intolerant to, both of which have addictive biological response, pretty much nearly every meal every day week month year decade of my entire life.

*

I am still working through a lot of burn-out with work. It is slowly getting better.

P

I spent a lot of time getting my act together. And then I spent some time focusing on my right knee, and the ring finger of my right hand, both of which have had issues lately for some reason. And then I finally got to IG.

But I got distracted by something I’d wanted to deal with. From a previous med:

 it was like everything he ‘said’, some part of me ‘held’ and then some other part of me evaluated, and then some other part of me ‘presented’ — possibly changing, filtering, etc. it — and I felt like I was “aware” of this going on for the first time ever, but that it ALWAYS goes on, and this is why it is so difficult for me to communicate and “allow novel information.”

So I grabbed a pen and paper and thought I would write it down in case I got lost and needed a visual cue to remind me what the heck I was doing, and I wrote down:

vvv — incoming communications

HOLDER            —-    seizes and holds info coming into me

EVALUATOR        —-    determines what is allowed

RELEASOR            —-    conveys allowed info to me

^^^ — my perception of what was communicated

Then I realized that this made an acronym of HER, which struck me as amusing since now I can truly blame it on my evil twin I guess, “It’s HER fault!”

I insisted that each of these present like an entity for communication, and I had a talk with them.

At first I was going to tell them to butt-out of the process and just let me get whatever the universe wants in terms of communications. But then I remembered some past times that I have worked on being more ‘aware’, in the last dozen years even. An insane amount of NOISE has been present, voices, slamming of car doors, as if wherever my house is, is pretty much in the middle of a very busy city street sidewalk in some “nearby” parallel and it “bleeds through.” There were times, in the early 00′s, that I literally could not view because the slightest relax and open process just got me an entire “bleeding-through reality” instead (no it wasn’t the target).

One trivia point I found interesting was that it didn’t just come with the noise, it came with an identity, e.g. once when I was trying to view, and decided to quit fighting it and just let it happen for a bit, thinking since avoiding it wasn’t working maybe if I took in something then part of me would have had enough and I could finally move on. I appeared to be ‘sitting in’ someone (not in thoughts or details, mostly just in sound and occasionally sense) as they waited somewhere near people talking, then got on a bus–all the typical city bus sounds — even to include dropping in change, the sense and sound of walking back and taking a seat and so on.

Now, maybe you’d think that I should have cared, that someone ought to be interested in that, like “Wow I’m somewhere else and maybe I could talk to myself in that other reality!” but I totally wasn’t. First of all, I was trying to view, so I was just irritated at the interference. Second of all, some poor bastard in reality B might end up thinking he’s totally insane if I were actually able to talk to him. Third of all, it was such a… well such a proletarian kind of bleedthrough, not like people taking a city bus can’t be evolved or something, just that the whole feel of it kind of turned me off. In any case, I had no desire to have any involvement with it, which seemed pointless to me, I simply wanted it to get the hell out of the way so I was able to do some remote viewing for online tasks I’d arranged.

Even aside from the occasional identity sense though, which I got not from any genuine ‘identity’ sense but rather, from the fact that based on the sound, it was like “I was moving around and doing things” so that’s just how I interpret it… there was more that wasn’t tied to that though. I used to have my back room set up as a lovely little library, with a glider rocker, and I would sit in there for viewing. One day in particular was memorable. I had been working on ‘being more aware’. And over the course of a couple of hours, boy was I. The sequence would go like this:

1. Sound occurs. Sometimes HUGE sound, like once, a big-rig or moving-style truck back door slammed shut hard like a foot from me and I literally leaped into the air in massive startled-the-crap-out-of-me response it was SO loud and sudden and near.

2. My brain (evaluator) said, “Not in this reality. Dismiss.”

3. My conscious mind dismissed awareness of this, either slightly before it got it, OR fast enough after that it amounted to the same thing — I was consciously oblivious. I mean my body had TOTALLY reacted, but my mind dismissed everything related as “irrelevant.”

4. Then my new ‘working on awareness’ made me aware of the three steps above that “had just occurred.”

Remembering this during the meditation, it didn’t take long to realize that without whatever part of me was “holding, filtering, then releasing what the filter said was ok,” I would already be a total freaking lunatic. I wouldn’t even be able to function if my conscious mind really did get all the communication, information, etc. that my brain/body at large is actually perceiving.

I realized that these parts of me were not bad things, messing up my inner life. They are my saviors, they are incredibly important, they work hard for me and their whole goal is to arrange what’s good for me.

That changed my attitude a lot.

In talking with each one, I would tell it that I wanted to provide directive to them, and ask them if they understood that this was my right and authority. They all said yes, which seemed like a good thing.

With Holder, I explained that nothing from the Four or IG is to be held, ever, they are to be passed directly through or even simply not seized to begin with.

With Evaluator, I explained that anything they should get related to the Four or IG was to be passed directly through, and that I wanted some “relaxing” of the filter for what I perceive when “intentionally meditating” in particular, and also that I wanted a specific relaxing on any communication that came from the chakra entities.

With Releasor, I explained that the Four and IG should always be directly given me, and R pointed out that everything they are given is given to me, that is how they work. Oh. Whoops. OK, and even that I wanted a little emphasis on anything coming from Evaluator that was from the chakras.

Each of them, when I imagined merging with them, I got a decent rush from it. So I figure that worked out ok.

I went back to IG several times, and again at 4am when I woke up, I can’t remember what went on, whether we accomplished anything at all or I passed out or what. In any case, the evening did seem somewhat useful.

*

Later edited: OH! I remember what I forgot!

I felt such a sense of missing the Four. I sort of realized that the white-haired woman the 3rd sees, and that the Peue in Galana see me as, isn’t so much another aspect dominant as THE FOURTH. You know, I have always been aware and mentioned it a few times that I am kind of like “one perspective of” the fourth. Not just part of it, I am all of it, but my perspective is partial. I think of it like a faceted gem. I am the whole gem (not just a piece of it) but I am only looking out through one or more of the facets. Not all of them. The ‘whole’ combined gem is the 4th.That is why sometimes when I’m with the Four, I say things that surprise me, feeling clearly there is more of me present than I’m consciously directing, and why I’ve been made to realize many times that I am always with the Four, it’s merely that I am only occasionally aware of it.

I thought that I would put myself back in time to where the Queen was the golden bird talking to me, in a meditation of not long ago. I went back, on the other side of her this time, and asked for her attention, and a part of her separated and came with me. I told her that I wanted to be with them more, I miss them so much, I miss the 3rd so deeply, I want to be more-of-me. I said, I want to be here, where you said we all live. And she took me with her to the bottom of a hill, and up at the top of a hill was a small but tall white-ish castle. That surprised me because of course, I’d had a castle in my inner space once that they created to be with me, but it had later changed into a big house. Anyway, she took me ‘inside’ like a ‘port and we were in a kitchen. Of all things!

How mundane! The senior and third where there and no kidding, the senior was looking in a refrigerator and the third was standing leaning back against the sink across the room eating something. They were dressed, and acted, totally casually. It reminded me slightly of when I met them right after the med where I was introduced to the chakra gem world, and my ‘impression’ was so casual as if they were wearing jeans or something, like just totally normal people. She appeared with me as if bringing me to them, and they were casual as they turned their attention to me.I started crying. Oh for godssakes.

I told them I missed them, I loved them, I wanted to BE with them, especially the 3rd, that I’m so tired of being separate. I suddenly had the thought: Where is the 4th?! Is she HERE? and realized she was elsewhere in the building, and I went to her. I insisted to her that I want to be aware of being her, that I want us to be one, that I don’t want to be separate anymore.

I had the sense that when IG sent me into Galana, it is in part because when I am there, I am pointedly being with, as, the fourth. I also had the sense that when the Four tell me to sit and ‘be with them,’ that this is much of what is going on, that I am “being” the 4th during those times, attempting to gain rapport with what you might call the-fuller-perspective-of-me. (It’s not any larger, or higher, merely a “more inclusive perspective.”)

I don’t remember anything else, unless it hits me later. I hope it does some good, though.

P

I had been consistent with IG for a few days at least, and then I missed Sunday night. I woke up last Monday the next day (11 days ago) having dreamed that I was talking to my uncle about how I was going to die in a few days. I was quite chipper about it. My dad showed up and was grieving, and part of me wanted to tell him it was ok, while another part thought it wasn’t.

I realized I was awake and I had zero sense of transition between sleep and wake, which added to the sense of it being something special. It seemed utterly real to me.

I remembered and understood it was the 3rd of 3 dreams, all related, and the first was full of after-death symbolism (humorous: a man in charge was shepherding all of us down a huge multi-lane highway (empty, we were walking), with “our cars” — but they were all totally stripped “empty shells” — in a bundle in the middle. Is that totally archetypal–normally a ship, right??–or what!). That also gave it credibility.

And once, my dad’s old friend died and he was crushed he hadn’t talked to him in so long, and I told myself to dream if anyone would die that would upset him so I could make sure he talked to them and he would never again grieve like that. And I did, months later I dreamed his old friend Lucky would die, in around a week, and I leaned really hard on him to call him (told him the dream), he kept missing him and I kept insisting, and finally on Saturday I think it was, he reached the fellow and they had a multi-hour talk and it was really just great he said, really great. Sunday the man had a heart attack and died. Well so then I was dreaming of someone who was going to die and dad was there grieving, just like I programmed, it’s just that someone was me!

And I realized, when I thought about it, at that moment, I didn’t want to live enough. I felt like it was really going to happen. In the dream I had said “In a few days or maybe Saturday” which is somewhere between Thursday night and Saturday night from the dream time.

Then I spent all week being a TOTAL FREAK because my body was scared. Seriously, my brain was like “It’s a dream” and my body, every time I would think of something, it would go into this massive grief mode, my chest hurt, I would cry with mouth wide open in silence like a picture of someone screaming, like it took over my entire body with the grief of it, I’d have something akin to panic attacks, and all this sparked by some little thought that would turn to my impending death–like about my kid, my cats, my best friend, my dad, etc. It was like there was a big part of me that was genuinely grieving at believe it was going to die, even though another part of me didn’t believe it at all and yet another part of me thought that was fine if it was time.

I spent much of the week insisting I wanted to LIVE and intentionally pulling myself to whatever probability where that was going to be real. And not eating, since I react to nearly all foods and I didn’t want to do anything that killed me off via health. I put off my plans for Joplin Saturday lest a car accident do me in. It’s hilarious and stupid but I was really serious. Alas I was so traumatized by it initially, I told my teenager and my best friend, and it traumatized them as well.

I felt “mostly” ok by late Thursday, but I still felt a bit iffy. I was going to see my father and spend some time with him, so he would have some closure if I did keel over, and to get his original of my will so I could make a note on it just in case.

Then — this is grim and weird — I walked out on my porch Thursday night, to drive to his house, and Emma, my biggest, youngest, healthiest, most beautiful cat, was lying dead on the porch. I couldn’t see what might have killed her, she looked ok. Maybe poison or an internal abscess or something. I just stood there staring down at her, and having this ridiculous superstition, total “magical thinking” here, that she took it for me. Like there was some energy that had to be dealt with somehow, some left I hadn’t dealt with, and she took it on.

Then–because anthropomorphism knows no bounds–I imagined Cosmos the ‘old man’ black cat, the ‘enchanted prince’, volunteering, being totally willing to die for me he’s my man, but Emma–whom he saved as a kitten and kept safe, all the way till she had kittens and I got her spayed, until now — she and he are unbelievably close, she adores him it’s always so obvious. I imagined her being totally willing to insist it was her… so now I not only had a dead cat at my feet, I had an entire soap opera drama made up in my head about it being an “altruistic sacrifice” of some kind–Emma for Cosmos; he for me; so in the end, Emma for me.

I wondered if this is the kaleidoscope of my probability: in some I died. In some my cat died. Maybe in some, someone else died. Maybe it’s the same energy passing through each pattern, and it just acts out differently in each one. None of this unfortunately addressed that I now had a dead animal on the porch and my 15 year old was standing next to me crying in upset disbelief, saying, “No, no, no, no! Oh no! Oh no!”  She is usually irritated at the cat and I was surprised she acted that way, like it meant something, and she was so much more upset than I would have expected her to be. She loves all the cats greatly but that one least of all.

It’s my fault! she sobs. I look at her in disbelief. Don’t be silly! How could it be your fault? I say. Because I wanted you to live! she says, bursting into a new level of sobs. Somehow, I understood what she meant. We’d talked about animals “taking on” things for humans before, Seth talked about it and it was a conversation. She is often mad at Emma as she is semi-wild and won’t let Ry pet her much. I had the feeling that on some level she had prayed for Emma to take the energy ‘for’ me, so if it had to happen, it would be her instead. And then it really DID happen. So she felt like she’d wished it on her. She was very upset all night. But then she seemed stoically ok with it and insisted to me that I would be fine. A couple days later, Sunday when I was still alive (yay!), I said in some humor, “I know it’s stupid, but I had such a feeling that Emma ‘took it for me’ or something,” and she snapped, “She did!” and stomped off. Oy.

I missed Monday’s meditation but I did get it Tues-Friday. I remember in one I met 6 people I couldn’t see, hear, or touch but which I felt were a group (like another type/level of Aeons) I was being introduced to. I did get merge-rushing from ‘breathing them into me.’ There is more we did but I can’t remember. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, I went to IG, I got ‘ready’, and then — I woke up in the morning. No memory, just passed out instantly.

Tuesday 24 April 2012, Midnight Mass with IG

IG seemed unusually… clear tonight. I looked at her next to me and suddenly thought I’d dare ask.

Me: Are you really an Angel?

Her: Yes.

Wow! I literally felt my mouth fall open with surprise. She just answered so clearly and directly. She seldom answers anything directly, she is the least chatty inner world character I have, most info I get from her is more “an understanding.” But that was just right there. And… and wow!  So all that spontaneous “holiness” stuff isn’t for nothing I guess.

After awhile I got up a little more courage and thought I’d try again.

Me: Does one of your… er, Aspects, or something, actually look like I see you?

Her: Very similar.

I spent another little while amazed again. I nearly asked something else but lost my nerve. I was afraid my imagination would screw it up and then that would interfere with my validation of the rest.

*

For three days prior I couldn’t successfully DO anything. I would sit down with IG, all good, ready to go, then wake up in the morning. I just instantly passed out. I was getting very irritated with myself when I had the sense that maybe I was just running into a new energy.

I remembered being with a Larger once, and these two guys walked in and I literally fainted, like falling floating downward instantly, and the Larger grabbed me and pulled me back up, like “rescuing my attention.” Even in things like binaural tones, people often pass out when they are new to a given brain frequency and come to at the end.

So maybe sometimes just going out like a light shouldn’t be so surprising. But I was determined to “hold on” and do better.

*

I felt like reaching up, and felt as if my hand were grabbed and I was dragged vertically into a “sliders”-esque experience. And after all that, dropped into a forest. Which made me laugh because you know, it’s so often forest-like environ, the intro didn’t seem necessary for that.

I could hear a bunch of people right near me and I backed against a tree and made myself invisible. They all were right close, and I sidled around the tree to get a look.

It was a whole group of people. I could see through trees around that there might be about 70 of them or so, maybe a lot more but that’s what I could see. I tried to focus on their clothing so I could see the ‘time cue’ but as usual, that part just stubbornly wouldn’t appear for me, even though on another conceptual level I perceived that ‘presentation element’ for each.

Several were women that seemed busy making some kind of food. There were men who seemed to be setting something up I felt might be some kind of very temporary sheltering-area like maybe a series of tarps or something. There was a man who was slowly just walking through the area dressed like some cross between a woodsman and a soldier and he was incredibly attractive to me. I watched him go past.

Then I saw the woman staring at me. A fairly young woman, mid 20s maybe, stood about 150 feet from me, just staring a me with a degree of amazement. She could clearly SEE me when nobody else could.

I appeared at her side.

Me: Hello. I honor you. I come in peace. (I almost laughed at myself over that one.) I am Palyne.

She indicated to me I should follow her and we walked to a place where the people were not, by the edge of a river, and then she talked to me openly. I had the feeling she didn’t want to be talking to someone invisible in front of her people.

This is days ago so I forget the details. But we talked, asked each other questions, and she basically explained that she is the … what we might call the shaman of her people. Naturally psi, worked with herbs, taught by an older woman no longer alive. She was curious about me. I said honestly that I did not really know how I got to that world or why, and that I was new to this. She looked at me oddly almost no matter what I said. She seemed nice enough. She indicated I could meet her people if I wanted.

I had no idea what I was doing there. I hadn’t seen anything that looked like an archetype. I hadn’t seen any overwhelming situation. I mean… I just didn’t get what I was supposed to “do”. So it seemed like I needed to figure that out, and I agreed.

We walked back into that area, me visible this time. Everyone stopped and stared, as if I looked very different somehow. The man I’d saw earlier stopped short and stared at me hard. I had the sudden understanding of the white-haired woman that the 3rd sees–that is who he saw me as. I wondered what my clothes looked like, given their reaction to me. If I’d been standing there in some kind of hooded Marian-esque robe I wouldn’t have been surprised.

I looked at the man. There was some connection between us I couldn’t explain. We were both so instantly transfixed by the other it seemed obvious.

I sat down with the woman and helped her do some smashing and wrapping stuff for their dinner. I sat on the ground with them at dinner (didn’t eat) with them, people all over the place. Nobody came up to meet me but they all sort of ducked their head a little if I caught them looking at me. They eventually went back to their normal ways and everybody was talking and there were some kids running around and really it seemed just like what it apparently was — a whole bunch of people traveling in wagons to somewhere else, stopped for the evening.

At one point I said, “Just a moment — “ and went back to IG.

I asked her, What am I doing there? What am I supposed to “do”? I just don’t SEE it.

“Just BE,” she said.

Ah. Like with the Four. That is the hardest thing for me! My eyes almost rolled.

I’d had a really hard time keeping my attention or consciousness for days, but I noticed that every time I spaced out here, it was obvious. Like I vanished in the middle of a conversation. I would reappear, intending to get back to the moment I left, and realize that I had literally disappeared to them, and apologize. I was honest with the woman that I was learning to pay attention well enough to stay there. I noticed that I had a lot of… “inspiration” to pay attention to what the heck was going on because, well, because it was just kind of rude, there was someone pointedly paying attention to ME if we were talking. I wondered if that was part of the reason I was there, was just to learn to pay attention!

I would reappear at other times. Like time passed differently for them. I could MAKE myself go to a certain time. But if I just let it be, usually a lot of time would have passed in their world from a few minutes before in mine, which was a little confusing since when I was with them, it seemed like about 20 minutes of their time was probably twice that in mine. But when I was ‘out’ it was the opposite and much more different.

The man sat down across from me and just stared at me silently. Unlike everyone else, he didn’t seem quite so awed. I had the feeling from his “energy” that he was probably one of toughest of the young men — perhaps mid-20s — of the people, very physical, very intense. The shaman looked between him and I several times, clearly seeing or feeling that there was something going on between us. I felt as if somehow he ‘carried the energy of the 3rd’ to some degree. I smiled at him a little and answered a couple of questions honestly, which frankly seemed to confuse him more than if I’d just seemed like I knew what the hell was going on.

At one point some men came toward us and he got up and went with them. She said something about him to me, and at this point it seemed like a lot of the conversation was going on “underneath” my conscious translation and I was getting the end-result-meaning out of it rather than directly participating in it word for word. It’s a little hard to explain. Anyway, she indicated that he was… what’s the phrase. As if he were notorious for sleeping with every woman in the tribe but was considered wild and would not choose a woman and settle down. And the suggestion was that in their people, men usually did years prior, very young, and he still hadn’t.

*

A couple of people ran through our area and I ‘understood’ in my gut that there were some people like a small gang of men who were attacking the people to steal their stuff, and some of the tribe’s men were holding them off, but they did not have weapons as good as the intruders. I sensed that this was something they were often running into and that’s why the man had seemed so ‘hard’ to me in some ways — he was operating as a soldier quite often for the people.

Sierpienta! I yelled in my head, and the sword with the blacker-than-black hilt, that lives on the back of my bookshelf headboard, appeared in my hand. Take care of him, I ordered it, and felt its assent inside me, and I held it out to him by the hilt. He eyed it like he was far more awed with the sword than he had been with me, and then he grabbed it and took off running out of sight through the trees.

I sat talking with the shaman for about ten minutes her time I think, and then several men came through including him. He didn’t seem hurt, none of them did. I had the sense that to him, this had operated like something magical and amazing. Several of the other men kept glancing at the sword with a look of longing and amazement. I took it back and sent it back to its thoughtform place in my bedroom behind and above where I sat.

And I vanished from them because I lost attention. When I came back, I forgot to intend myself back to that moment, and it was like life had moved on. It was a couple days later in the very early morning and they were leaving. The woman, the shaman, was getting into this kind of low wagon-cart being pulled by an animal I couldn’t even perceive but I thought was as likely to be something akin to a mule as a horse. She saw me standing next to it and I climbed up and sat beside her.

I asked why many others were walking and she was riding. She said it was… her status, or something like that, but there was more, like she was normally with the people who were very sick or injured as she tended them and they were usually on one of the wagons not walking. I rode with her for awhile in the morning.

The land was lovely, I didn’t see anything odd or bad or alien or anything like that, so I still saw nothing that needed ‘fixing’ like an archetype, and I shrugged, feeling like IG has the right to do as she likes and I will just allow it and eventually I will figure it out.

At one point before we had left, the man had walked past the cart as he seemed to be tying reins or connecting stuff for many carts, and saw me, and stopped, then walked slowly over to the wagon, and just stood there staring at me silently. I felt as if I could kind of feel him, a deep passion in him, and it was all I could do to not radically shift that experience and just tackle him and have sex with him LOL. But this world was so realistic, it seemed like every action I had, had a genuine effect –it wasn’t like an “archetype” world somehow, it was just like if I’d popped into a real world, me in my head but somehow able to operate semi-physically here. I smiled and talked to him for a couple of minutes, and then he had to move on and keep working on prep for the departure.

I vanished somewhere in the morning during my travel with the woman.

*

I got my attention back and returned, no time-spec. There was something crisis going on when I arrived — there was a whole group of men with animals and a wagon and they all had swords, and they had the whole people stopped. I could see there were a lot more people than I had realized, as the line of carts (like wagons but with no cover in most cases) and people walking stretched way back. I saw the soldier-man running from toward the back, toward the front where the hijackers with swords were, and I appeared beside the shaman woman and we just nodded at each other silently and looked at what was going on ahead. She was near the front, maybe 3 wagons back, so we were close enough to hear what was going on.

The conversation apparently wasn’t going well, and on some kind of signal, the whole group of the attackers surged forward on what I guessed were horses but I (oddly still) couldn’t see or feel them clearly.

I flashed to the front and imagined a bright flash of light accompanying me, which actually seemed to happen, as they all stopped suddenly, not too easily, and stared at me in utter astonishment. I vanished all of their swords out of their hands and into a pile on the ground, and I imagined lifting all of them up into the air off their animals and put them all in a group and moved it back by their wagon. I directed all the animals into a nearby copse of trees the people had been traveling alongside, that the hijackers had come out from.

I walked up to the group of them, and I could see that they were utterly terrified.

And then it suddenly occurred to me, with a feeling in my gut, that this was wrong.

I did not have the right to do that. Or well, I did, but that didn’t MAKE it right. These men had free will as well as the people I was traveling with did. Could I stop them? Yes. Could I give the soldier my amazing sword and maybe they’d be killed by it? Yes. But the whole “magical god-like” thing was not appropriate. I could almost feel how it messed with the psychology of every person present, and even every person who would ever hear about it. Like I was “interfering in this world” to a greater degree than was appropriate.

A low-key possibly magical or spiritual person that the tribe was aware of that was one thing. A god-like being  was another. And could have very “lasting” side effects in the world at large some of which could be very bad. I thought of the ‘gods’ of our world who have had such horrible things done in their name and I almost shuddered.

I suddenly felt very sorry for not taking this more seriously sooner.

See I was so busy assuming it was a world in my head, I somehow didn’t validate that for them it was their waking world. Maybe to me it was easy to pop in and out of it and make seemingly magical things happen. But to them this was life and death. And those things, those actions I made, had certain implications and side effects far beyond what they did for me.

I walked slowly close to the men, all clearly soldier “bandit” types, who at that point were frozen motionless in the same tiny huddle I’d put them in.

I’m sorry, I told them. I have just realized that this was not… appropriate for me to have done. I should not have interfered in the way that I did. I apologize. I will not harm you. I will not let you harm my people, though. Please get your weapons and your animals and leave, I will not stop you.

I stepped back. They looked utterly disbelieving, like they had expected to be struck down by lightning or something. Then some of them went for the animals and some for the big pile of swords and after a few minutes they were all mounted with their weapons and with several looks back, like they weren’t sure something wasn’t going to surprise them from behind, they were gone into the forest and into the distance, I could see.

I turned and realized the soldier man was standing right behind and beside me. I told him that what I’d done — how I’d done it — was not appropriate and that I was sorry and would not do that again. He clearly didn’t understand why, but he looked at me with that intensity that again made him so attractive to me, as if I could feel him all the way through my body.

Then I vanished there again. When I got my attention back, I went to IG instead and said, “Um… is that enough?”  She indicated it was.

I still didn’t understand the “point” of it. To give me a different way to learn to ‘pay attention’ or something? To learn to ‘be’?

I didn’t find myself there spontaneously and we didn’t go back there Wednesday, so I figured it was a typical experience and I’d probably never know what the point of it all was. If there was one.

**

from Thursday midnight mass

I again attempted to focus myself down between heart and SP chakras instead of “in my head” while waiting for whatever IG might do next. It felt like I’ve rarely had before: I got a feeling of motion instead and I let myself move in that motion, whether it is being pulled, pushed, moved, or running, jumping, flipping, whatever.

It was a little bit sliders-like, as it had been a couple nights before, and then suddenly I came to a very abrupt stop crouched down low in the dark with my head and hands near the ground. I carefully put my hands up (figuratively…) and felt around but reached only air except right above and then some in front. It was as if I were in some tiny little capsule or something.

I sensed that right in front of me would actually open if I pushed hard enough. Sierpienta! I called, and used the tip of the sword to slowly push a big metal flap outward. It was attached at the top, and I gradually pushed it all the way up and climbed forward, out of whatever it was.

I was in a forest-like area. Of course, I’m in a forest-like area about 50% of the time so that’s not unusual and doesn’t really mean anything.

I heard these shouts and the galloping of animal hooves coming my direction, and the soldier-man ran past at great speed, not seeing me, like running for his life. I went to the rough light path he ran on and looked the other way and saw about 5 men on horses (apparently either my mind decided to see them finally, or whatever the animals really are, morphed into that for my brain) with swords pulled chasing after him.

They were still coming toward where I was, and I called Sierpienta to hand and held it in front of me, blade up in front of my face, and I just “exuded intense amounts of love” at them. I didn’t know what else to do. This seemed like it was worth a try. They pulled to a stop in front of me, and I added a little bit of “light halo” around me just to maybe make sure they wouldn’t spear me before I had enough time to get enough energy through to maybe, I dunno, change their minds or something.

I just stood there emoting love and the wish that they would turn away from the chase, and finally it felt like it was working. Nothing changed but I could feel it. And a few moments later, one by one they turned their mounts and took off in the other direction. The one in front took longer, but he finally did as well.

I flashed to wherever the soldier-man was. He was some distance away but he’d been watching us from there, catching his breath.

Again some part ‘under’ my conscious attention appeared to be having a conversation with him, and I got the ‘meaning result’ of it. I got that he was actually some distance from his people, he’d been traveling out to look for something when the men saw him and apparently he was some place they considered it wrong for him to be. I had a bit of an impression of like a feudal lord’s men who would pursue someone they thought was hunting (“poaching”) on his land, but he’d only been traveling through. I asked where his people were and he indicated they were quite some distance away; he’d been returning.

I wondered: could I flash him with me, to his people? Would that… violate what was appropriate for me to do in this world? I put it to myself and waited to see how I felt. No, it was ok… it was ok for him, probably for the shaman, probably not for others though. I put my arm around his waist. Imagine we are where you want to be, I said, hoping this would actually work. I closed my eyes, held on to him, and imagined that he and I were wherever he was aiming, like a viewer riding tasker intent.

I heard the sounds around us suddenly and realized we’d moved. I opened my eyes and we were near a big campfire. People all over exclaimed, and several children went slightly batshit about our suddenly appearing, and one of them ran up to him and he messed up his hair and smiled down at him. I realized it was his son. Yet I understood somehow that he was still not settled. I had the feeling he had several children running around of that nature. I smiled broadly at all the people around us. Their faces just lit up. As if to them, my presence was a lot easier now, like they’d had time to get used to the idea and the previous experiences, and now the memories had faded into a glow of some kind, and it made them feel… protected, blessed, that I was there.

I could feel the shaman was not far away and I walked until I found her.

I spent awhile with her. We went to a place on the top of a small hill, and laid on our backs and looked at the sky. I told her that we have stars in the sky where I am from, and I wonder how they differ, if they do. She asked what my world was called and I said Earth. Then I asked what this world was called. Galana, she said, although I also heard Ananda and several other words with the same pattern and vowels. I decided to just go with Galana because I’m comfortable with it, rather than obsess over it like I usually do. I was surprised I ‘got’ it. Every time I actually hear a word or name like that I’m astonished that I was able to. 20 years of not being able to hear things like that — about 12 of them not being able to hear anything at all — is probably why.

I asked what her people were called. The Peue, she said, this sounding like that word “Pier” and the word “Cue” combined. Almost like the word we make to mean a bad smell, but more of the Sierpienta-style roll of vowels. I wondered for a moment what my brain makes of these things, if it has some meaning when an R is rolled or a T is thick or whatever.

She told me that she was glad that I was there and she had been wishing recently I would return. She said she wanted to talk to me about the soldier man. Again the conversation was “a level under” so I got the meaning not the specific words.

He had still not mated and it had been years since I was there. He was driven. He longed for me, and it was obvious to everyone in the tribe that he had been severely affected by my presence a few years prior, when they were traveling. He was always finding reasons to leave the tribe and travel, as if he couldn’t be happy settled down, which was very unusual for their people as a culture. She felt that it was very hard for him, the impact it had, and yet that I had been gone for years. It was messing up his life. He needed a woman. He had several children, and he had several women of various ages who would be happy to have him, and one woman that he clearly did love, and yet his hope that I would return held him off from her, as if… well.

I told her I understood, and thanked her, and then I got up and went to find him. I took his hand in mine, and asked him to take me to where he lived. He took me into a very small house, two rooms barely it seemed, what we might call a sturdy shack or cabin-shed here. He had a bed of sorts, a pallet on the ground, and an actual chair. I motioned for him to sit, and I put my hands over his head from behind him, like I used to do in hands-on energy work, and I prayed. That his life would go good, that he would grow and evolve, that he would find love.

I leaned down and kissed his neck softly, and in about two seconds he was holding me tightly and kissing me passionately. I had the strangest feeling, as if I were both there and not, and wondered if this was similar to the having a conversations in words vs. not. I wondered if maybe the blonde woman I appeared as, was actually the ‘dominant’ in this experience, somehow.

I let him walk me back to his pallet and I had an unusual idea. Not quite the way such things normally go in archetype work for sure. I slid over his body, and held his hands out at the sides, and kissed him deeply, and lifted to just hardly touching his lips and then just EMOTED LOVE as much as I possibly could.

I could feel his whole body arch,  and I just did that, along with energies for peace and love and healing, and kept doing it until I actually felt him climax sexually, although clearly that was the least of what was going on with him. After another minute, his body started relaxing out of the arch and I realized that back when I’d started emoting, I had changed into “energy” and not really fully physical to him anymore, I hadn’t even realized it. This seemed like an interesting form, and I thought I would have to consider using that form more often.

I stayed there as energy, just feeling loving and peaceful. I wished “into” him with my energy form that he would allow himself to be loved and to love, and that he would have a wonderful life, and that someday when he left that form and that world, he could see me again, and we would know each other.

Then I kissed his forehead and wished him to a deep sleep, and he fell into it.

I left his little house, and I went back to the shaman. He will be better  now, I told her. He will take a woman, and I feel he has one in mind. She thanked me, and I took her hand and told her thank you, and then I left.

And I was back with IG.

I still don’t know “why” I’ve appeared in that world twice. Well, quite a few times by their standards, since every time I lose attention and return it’s anywhere from hours to days, or in this case years, later for them.

There is some part of me that seriously wonders if some of the stories of saints in our world, I don’t mean the church people I mean the tribal legends, have some kind of similarity to this. Eva said the other night that maybe it’s like someone who just dreams into a world and maybe people could do that here, which is an interesting idea.

P

I had the  thought that rather than focusing “in my head” as I normally do — as if I am waiting for visuals — what if I focused down at my heart and solar plexus chakras instead, and waited for info there?

I’d been talking about that recently, as I’ve been told by several inner sources this is what best matches the energy-reality-level this world is operating in, plus that heart is concept and SP is relationship and the two together make “context” — and that area is the ideal place for remote viewing, right between and including both. (Maybe this is why several awesome viewers have had heart heart attacks. Over-development of the energy body there?? I recall reading as a young adult, some Alice A. Bailey materials (channeled, hard  metaphysics like you need an esoteric dictionary to get through a page), talking about healing, basically suggesting that it would cause heart issues. It doesn’t seem to me that it should personally, unless done out of all context to the rest of the energy body, but what do I know).

I wondered how energy might differ with IG, I mean like when I’m “waiting” to see what happens, if I did that.

I first felt the motion, and then whatever it was started coming into view in front of me. It was a circular shape of thin flat metal with an edge a little bit like a gear. It was attached to something vertical and flat as if I were seeing it up against the wall of something. I heard this ratcheting sound behind me to the left and a clicking sound somewhere else and a ‘tok’ sound from somewhere else, everything was rhythmic, and the shape in front of me, was as if the circle where loosely nailed at one side, so it was turning rather than spinning, but not evenly, it would go around and then “stick” in this one place at about 4 o’clock and then “slide” heavily through to about 8 o’clock and then release and do the rest of the turning motion cleanly with a lighter sound.

It was so noisy! I mean tons of sounds everywhere! The world around me was grey and silver and there were objects moving in patterns.

I focused on the turning thing in front of me and I started running the 4 elements against us both, when I realized, I know this feeling, I know this! Where do I know this energy from??

And then I got it: I wasn’t working on the “thing” I was focused on. The real “thing” I was working on was the DYNAMIC that it was demonstrating for me. The turn that slightly-stuck and slid, it was that — the whole motion — which made me realize where I knew the “feel” of this energy from –

The tarot. It is 3 of Disks, Works. I was awed! Only once before have I ever recognized the feel of the energy of a place before and coincidentally it was also tarot, “the land of the prince” on Disks. But this is the first time I have ever recognized a tarot energy spontaneously. It felt like… it felt like an old friend, kinda!

When I finished the elements, it suddenly flipped up in the air as if whatever was ‘pinning’ it was gone, and then it came down and hit the ground and bounced up over my head, a couple more times, and then bounced way high like a hundred feet in the air, spinning as it did, and did this in a pattern of smaller bounces then one really high one, for a bit. I felt delighted with it!

I asked it — as it sprung into the air above me — if it could give me something I could put ‘on or in my body to better integrate its energy’ and out of it came this round shape — I’m lacking words so excuse me, but like a biscuit cutter, thin metal that is a couple inches high and in this case about 5 inches wide, and it sunk down into the top of my head like a crown of sorts, underneath the scalp.

It seemed like I was done, though in retrospect I think I should have worked with everything around me too. I went back to IG.

We did something else but I put that in the ‘Galana’ post.

P

They were like ‘a unit’, the way they stood together. A woman and the large scary yet slightly cartoonish lizard, who stood chest-to-chest or would have if he weren’t 3 foot taller, and her arms were down and his were around her.

I had no idea what this was. I’d had the impression on beginning that I might be meeting another chakra, either 2nd or 3rd, and the male/female element would support that, but… this was different given at least one presented like a person to me. (Well the Themelian was like a person, albeit very different sort of face.) More like an archetype, it seemed.

I did the standard elements on us. And then the scary cartoon was a man, of normal size, but they stayed together like that.

Who are you? I asked.

She said Bess and Ari, or Bessandari, or Bessand Ari. I don’t know, but  I’m making it the latter because if it’s a chakra that would at least match the pattern that Konewa Turi’s name falls in I guess.

Me: Wow, I can’t believe it was that easy. (Then I spent awhile trying to go back over it thinking I couldn’t have heard it clearly.)

I still have no idea what or who they are internally, and I can’t recall anything else. But I suspect this is going to end up being the 2nd chakra, just something about the lizard appearance of the male initially gives me that impression. For now I’ll put it in that category and we’ll see.

P

I’d planned to do whatever IG wanted, but I really sucked at keeping my brain quiet. Every time I would start to relax I would be daydreaming. Mostly about food. I was embarrassed that poor IG had to put up with me. Good thing she’s angelic. Anybody else would have slapped me upside the head before it was over.

I was so upset about the “cheese dream” you see, that since I can’t very well argue with my body, I apparently took instead to fantasizing about some allegedly happier health I’ll shock myself into having as a result of giving up my favorite food in the world. Along with dairy as a category, if cheese is an issue, since I know dairy is but I’d thought cheese was ok. And of course, that’s along with the foods I’ve already given up, such as gluten grains, legumes, and anything carby enough to be truly delicious.

As I don’t care for vegetables without salad dressings that require dairy, and the other veggies I like are unfortunately not veggies (peas are legumes, corn is a grain), apparently this means I will be living on the 13 foods on earth remaining. I can whittle down my “shopping the borders” of the grocery store to simply buying meat and fruit. Imagine all the time I’ll have left in my life,  previously spent on irrelevant things like, oh, food.

I was deciding that in compensation for my good attitude and dedication to the cause, maybe I would shift to eating many more carbs (in whole fruits for example), and perhaps body and I would compromise by seeing if there is any kind of fish I’m able to make myself eat that doesn’t have a McDonald’s breading and bun around it.

I kept drifting into this little cloud of futurized ozark sunshine where magically my weight/health issues vanished with this different approach to food, which led to the many details of my sooner to be ideal life, mostly that I would be infinitely cooler and people would adore me, and eventually there would be peace on earth.

Well ok not the last part but it could happen.

I can’t remember how but we actually did a meditation on my right leg. I started this once a long time ago and pulled up the same imagery (a very colorful vertical spaceport). My right knee has been oddly and frighteningly “weak” lately, hence the focus. I got a lot of rushing when done and then focused on the other leg and got lots more rushing, and then the whole body. It went ok apparently. I also can’t remember how but we actually did a meditation on copper, which I’ve wanted to for eons. I don’t remember how it ended up I think it went ok. I lose memory of much else. I eventually fell asleep.

Hoping it goes better next time.

P

I told myself it was only some belief system that was making things so much harder to get to. Like the previous day had been too easy. I had fallen asleep earlier and woke up late for our appointment. She’s some kind of angel-thing. She probably doesn’t even perceive time like I do, I assured myself, as I tried to wake up enough to sit up and do some breathing and cleansing prep. I showed up, but I had the impression she was telling me to take the time it took to get myself calm and centered and ready. So I did. And spaced out a few times but got myself back to her.

Some energy form like an archetype was part of the evening. It was like an extremely angular thing, almost like part of a outer-triangle (I mean empty in the middle) and some other stuff, that was only half-a-thing. Like half done. Like it hadn’t grown the rest of the way. I was reminded, by the feel of it, of this one experience I had with IG where I saw these shapes and was told some were thoughtforms that were still new and incompletely grown. I had a hard time perceiving it and I did all the basic stuff with it, and I felt way, way too much of myself especially the back right lower part of my head, go with the elements, but still when I was done, I couldn’t perceive it, maybe even less than I could to start with. I got lost several times, wandering in thought.

I had a number of… sort of like daydreams except they weren’t from me, but not like dreamlings either, they were more like “teaching stories” you might say, where I interacted from first-person perspective, and then someone in me would talk with me about what I learned. I don’t remember any of these except one. And this one wasn’t a whole situation as most had been, it was just this super-brief little thing:

I was looking at the wall of my room (not with my physical eyes) when this breach in the wall occurred and a few liquid lines of thick color began sort of oozing through. It felt appropriate to manifest a rag and go wipe that up promptly. In this moment, that felt as normal and “just like” a number of other things, including the tendency of crap to pile up all around me (clutter), including how things get dirty even though you don’t “make” them dirty (like windows and how dust accumulates). I understood that if one wanted to live in a decent house, you just had to keep up on this stuff.

It is your environment ownership-wise, and you have to basically re-assert your utter ownership of this regularly, it is a bit “territorial” just like the jungle. I had this greater understanding, then, that this was important because those energies affected one, and so if you just let the world you’re in start piling up, dusting out, bleeding through, etc. you’d be the one suffering even if you weren’t aware of it. And then I had what suddenly felt like the “third level” which had its own understanding, as if each level came with one, and it said in actual words inside me:

REALITY REQUIRES UPKEEP.

Then I was aware of sitting next to IG again and I understood that the sense of the colors oozing through my wall that had to be cleaned up were just basically symbolic of energy, and that because our reality is a complete jungian stew of energy, we are always-but-always going to have things that will be moving in and out of our territory and encroaching on it with their own needs. And that part of self-definition required keeping one’s sense of personal space (in my case my bedroom) ‘clean’ energetically. Part of self control is environmental control, they are different but they are actually related, I sense.

I was reminded of a med with Senior where it was just an old castle tower of sorts, with the stones at the bottom messed up from this grass that had literally grown between them and helped split them apart. And I’d understood then that some energy, it is alive and it keeps moving, and if you ignore it, it’s not that it ignores you or doesn’t bother you, it’s that it will grow into parts of you and be destructive, destabilizing. You can’t sleep forever; you gotta pay attention to such things and deal with them. This felt a little like that. A degree of ongoing maintenance is necessary.

At some point I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing much and would do better asleep and I was sleepy, so I moved into that position and let it happen. I don’t remember my dreams.

**

I woke up early for storms, then slept briefly before re-awakening. I remembered pieces of the dream I’d had there. For me, usually I either remember things decently at least in part, or I don’t remember them at all. This I remembered but poorly which is a little unusual. I was experiencing reality where probabilities kept changing, and everyone in the reality was ‘adapting’ to this occurrence.

It actually has an analogy in this world, google documents or gdocs as we call them at work. You can have multiple people in a spreadsheet at the same time. Everything everyone does is saved. This causes things to just pop into and out of existence regularly because of what someone else did, and it causes sometimes a return to ‘home’ on the doc because the view you had is so changed it’s kind of a refresh.

In that world, separately, I remember being in this place that had ‘rooms’ and there was one room (all full) and another I knew of at a distance, where people went to mourn their animals. I had this imaginative visual of tons of people stuffed in this room, with various dead animals in their arms, grieving and wailing. I don’t know what this relates too–had nothing to do with the rest of the dream–but I went and spent a few hours with my kitties on the porch today partly in reaction to that.

Then another part of the dream had this guy who was akin to superman sort of. Just in terms of being human but more and really ‘good and powerful’. There was a different man in charge who was a ‘controller’. (I just just got lots of merge-rushing from thinking myself back to that again.) There was a woman there who could see the future. There were quite a few other people, and every time one of them made a decision or did something significant, it would “update the shared reality” of sorts, which we could observe by this interesting pattern on the wall that changed.

Each time it changed, the superman would evaluate what had occurred, and then often would have to try and use his great power of attention to make another change that would ‘correct’ what had occurred, if it was not helpful but instead harmful. It was a little exasperating, because all these people didn’t have a freaking clue, they didn’t understand that their own honor and decisions affected them completely let alone us, the greater conglomerate they were part of.

At one point near the very end, there was some quiet but underlying competition between the official controller and the superman. The controller told the superman that he was basing his control on the future. And he indicated at the woman, who then got this super vivid shocking red pulsing light in the middle of her head, as if that’s what he meant. This was clearly an ajna chakra thing in the dream, the impact it had, but it actually was nothing at all like the 3rd eye chakra and instead was a whole lot like the kundalini chakra, but in the head in a way that reminded me of a futurized robot like from a movie.

The superman got rather upset and half insisted, half pleaded, with him not to do that, that it was not the way this was supposed to work, as if it was important to have an experience and evaluate and learn and course correct, and that simply sitting at a desk not even participating but controlling based on someone else telling you the future, was just wrong for all of us.

Well I woke up feeling decent. I showered, got dressed and went outside and sat on the bench on my front porch and read a book for a few hours, petting the kitties who sat on me and beside me. I was surprised how much time had passed reading, it’s been awhile. Then I remembered this stuff, and thought maybe I should blog it, if for no other reason than to record I did do the mass with IG.

I am working on being more consistent.

**

Yesterday I napped briefly. I dreamed and again, I barely remember pieces. It was clearly symbolic and badly translated, as it makes no sense on recall. But it had a message that was disturbing. There was a tall building of many stories. There was a group of young men like college age. There was a much older man who was wicked. There were other older men who were very smart and accomplished, whom the wicked man did not like. He had “cult-ified” the young men who began killing off these other men for him. They did it in rituals. It happened on this one floor of the building. The guy had rigged the elevator so that the level was invisible to all but his people and in order for it to show up at all, you had to slide into this space (like a credit card slot) a small thick slice of cheese. When you did this, and you had to do it right at this real small space of certain floors like between here and there, the elevator panel would get this image of a cartoon mouse, and then it would stop at that final place you had to do it right before, which was where it would let them into that level to do their evil deeds. I don’t recall what else was in the dream but when I woke up I had a sentence very clearly in my head as if it were what was important about the dream. It was:

Cheese let the poisons in.

I’ve read about how gluten proteins work–as a master key unlocking many parts of the digestive tubing that are specific to other kinds of proteins, which not only lets the gluten molecules in but lets other molecules in, and all these act as radicals in those inappropriate areas designed for other different molecules. The body develops antibodies to protect itself from those molecules being there, and then a person ends up reactive to all kinds of normal foods that they don’t really have any problem with except for that. Then no matter what they eat sometimes, they get inflammation from it, which causes cellular level pain, which can cause cravings for drug-foods that have neural effects to relieve pain at that level (such as, ironically, wheat), or actual pain if the person has some disorders like arthitis, or depending on genetics some things may be stored in fat for ‘protection’, etc.

In that particular model, the analogy of the dream seems clear. A real long tube things moved through, which if you put one thing in at a certain place would “open up” another place right after that, where something could go in and do bad things, seems very much like a gluten dream, except that this message was clearly about cheese. I know some people have dairy issues. I know I have an addictive-reaction to milk that makes it clear I do somewhat. The problem is, cheese is my favorite food in the universe next to gluten-foods which I cannot eat. And nearly all of my “adaptive” eating with lower-carb and non-gluten, has involved cheese or it feels like I wouldn’t have been able to adapt at all. So the idea of not eating cheese, I find horrifying. Oddly I had barely eaten any before the dream happened.

Ry and I had a philosophical debate about whether the dream was an actual message to me from my body. She won, with the idea that it is.

Ironically I just got this brand new toaster oven. And got a lucky break, it was $89 and the day I received it from UPS (the day of the dream), amazon took it offline and then reposted it for $40 more. I had the dream right after I saw that I had gotten it and had thought about what I wanted to make in it, so maybe that’s why. The first half dozen foods I’ve been so excitedly wanting to try in it, all have cheese. Aside from gluten-free cinnamon-toast, and GF spice cake which I’ve had sitting here in a mix for 4 months and not yet tried, I didn’t have anything else planned or looked forward to in it. So that is rather depressing! I seriously doubt I will manage to stay away from cheese short of being possessed by someone better than me at food discipline. But I’m going to do for at least a few days, dairy too while I’m at, gluten as well for sure, sigh. Maybe I could get it mostly-out of my diet by limiting it to 2 days a week or something. Still, even when both lowcarb and gluten free, there is not very much I eat that does not have cheese in it. This is truly the most depressing dream I have had in years.

**

Oh I almost forgot: while sitting on the porch with the kitties this morning I thought of another interesting use for the sword: using the long reflective surface as a ‘meter’ of sorts to show me how much, how strong, or other ‘measurable’ elements, something had. Like in an archmed I once made “meters” to show me the ‘comparative-to-mine’ power, and intent, of creatures around me. And this mental tool can be used well when doing healing type stuff. That is a very different approach–using the length and shine to convey info, is a long way from stabbing something. I guess maybe there are more options for any given thing than I had given credit for. So that’s… 11 ideas now for ways in which to use it.

1. Using it to hack away perceived blockages to ‘seeing something clearly’, as if it were brush.
2. Using it like the books of magic, to ‘point the way’ to something.
3. Using it to ‘reach into’ something I feared and sort of magically spear something just on the point and bring it out.
4. Using it to dig a hole into the ground, although I sensed it was in ice or something really hard, to get to something blocked.
5. Knighting good things I want more of, more power and recognition?
6. Very large/dense energy collections… sliced up and dealt with piecemeal
7. Cut through ‘attachment’ to things I don’t want to be so connected to
8. Physical Tek body stuff?
9. Intentionally ‘battle’ with things one has an issue with
10. Resistance to … spiritual evolution, novel information and communication, release of inharmonic energies, full integration with LaeLee … where resistance are cords that could be cut
11. The blade as a reflective ‘meter’ measuring things

I also had this interesting memory/overlay of sorts. I remembered the 3rd, as I had once seen him, digging fiercely on the side of a mountain, it was solid ice it seemed and he was casting off whole sheets of ice, trying to get underneath to something he knew was there. At one point he looked at me, and I understood that he “deeply loved” whatever he was digging for. It was this which was my formal introduction to the Queen, as it turned out. Well I had this odd sense that maybe he had actually been digging with a sword. And then I remembered that when I wrote down how it could be used for digging, I had the sense of ice or something really hard. I guess that’s trivial. This kind of sync matters only to me…

**

I have made the work to visualize the golden statue of the Four, and Bloom, and to ‘allow awareness’ of Sierpienta. Today I thought about having it in my hands and it was there, again with that sense of being slightly more than all-me on the effort, and it felt right to “breathe with it” like I do the aeons, where I breathe that energy in and out and then I am in them and vice-versa, and I got a whole lot of archetype-style rushing from doing this with the thought-form sword (Sierpienta), which I find kind of interesting. To me, this suggests that even if it is a creative hallucination of sorts, that as a psychological construct, some part of me is still getting something good out of it.

I can feel here that I am attempting to distance myself from this because it feels crazy to be talking about thoughtforms. Even though in theory that’s what the entire blog is about I suppose. But talking about my invisible sword, the invisible plant, the invisible statue, makes me sound like a raving lunatic and my left brain is having some trouble with “how far out of norm” this is. At least most stuff STAYS in the head. It doesn’t invade the space of the “ordinary world.” That stuff gets harder to … explain.

P

I got there a little early. I was able to do some nice breathing, cleansing, centering with the Four, a superquick breathing-med with each of the major gems in the chakra gem world, and return to her on time.

For some reason that seemed so easy. When normally this all seems so hard. Like normally just getting centered and calm is hard enough and usually if I go into the gemworld I get distracted and lost. It was like I had some kind of grounding and focus I don’t normally.

I ‘allowed’ her, praying fiercely as we began to ‘allow’ as needed. I floated straight up and the ceiling opened up and I went through the roof and into the sky and just kept going. That … was not expected. I ‘allowed’ and felt myself pass through various “bandwidths” of energy is what it felt like, that I suspected had to do with the layers of our atmosphere, except I suspected I felt more bandwidths than those have, as if there are several per layer as we know of them.

Eventually I stopped, and I just stood there working to be calm and centered and ‘allow’ whatever might come.

I thought to myself, “Let it fall. Let any part of myself that is resisting this experience, dissolve and fall.” And I sensed that literally major parts of me were dissolving and sloughing off, as if it were an archmed and we were doing the four elements.

TEK! I said in my head, and he was there. “Can you manage this?’ I asked him. “Help continue this “allowing-releasing” of this energy? Clean it up?” He agreed he would do so.

Then I had the sense of the formerly-winged-guy. He is taking forever to integrate! It’s the weirdest thing ever.

Status of integration? I asked myself. The low 40-percents, some part of me felt, as if it were a chart inside me.

Tek, have this formerly-winged-guy be integrated into me in all of the energy-mote-points where I release something else, I requested. He agreed.

I turned my attention back to the seeming not anything-ness that was around me, and I saw them from the distance. I had a flash reminder of this visual introduction to some movies, because there is this movie company that uses these as their logo/visuals.

Horses came. Yes, seriously. Energy-horses really, they didn’t look completely solid-mass even in my head, but solid enough, energetically. A small herd of them came galloping toward me and in front of me and the lead one, a male, stopped and looked at me. It did not have wings like the movie visual, but they were definitely energy horses galloping through the sky.

Me: Hello. I honor you.

Him: Why are you here?  (He seemed nice enough, he simply got to the point quickly, I think.)

I heard the 3rd inside me telling me, Tell him the truth, but include recognition of God.  I thought about what that answer should be.

Me: I am a seeker, searching for Truth within the Divine Will of God for myself.

Him: Do you wish to go somewhere?

I thought to myself, I have no idea!  The 3rd said, Just say yes. You don’t need to know where. IG will handle it.

Me: Yes.

The horse came to me and clearly expected me to get on and ride it. A saddle appeared with a horn I could hold on to. I slipped on its back and held on, and it began galloping, the other horses joining us. As we rode, I could feel the sense of ‘layers’ still, like bandwidths of energy in the sky, each their own reality perhaps, who knows.

Then all of the sudden, all the layers vanished, and I was so busy thinking to myself, “Hey, all the layers just vanished, as if it’s all one space of open sky now or something,” that it took me a minute to realize I was riding a giant bird now. Literally the horse had transformed. It was huge.

I knew what this had to be because clearly and as usual, what is in my head and attention, IG often uses to build these things out of. I leaned down toward the head of the giant bird and I called out in the wind,

Me: Wow! You are a FANDOR as that book calls them?! You are those amazing carrier-birds from my peoples’ most ancient myths!

It thought an assent at me. I spent a bit waxing poetic about how amazing and beautiful and powerful it was as we flew.

It flew over a very high cliff and wanted to stop not too far (like a quarter mile or less) from the edge. I resisted this. It reminded me of a very very old dream I had with a friend and ‘the coffee colored people’ and how he cawed like a bird when we were at the bottom of the cliff and these giant birds had come and got us. This was like circa 1996, 1997 or so. So, some part of my brain thought that “the cliff” and this kind of bird were hence “predictable” and “I was making this all up,” and it took the 3rd inside me, almost yelling at me, ALLOW!! to make me let go and let it be.

It let me off, and then took off. I couldn’t really see anything around me initially, but I centered with the Four and worked to ‘allow’. Feeling … the word “grim” is not right but maybe “determined” is, I focused on feeling “the parts of myself that resist, dissolve, and the energy of the formerly-winged-guy take their place.”

My sense of “children” came forth as several of them began to appear around me, looking at me with big curious eyes and a sense of wonder. I smiled a bit, and then had the sense from the 3rd that they perceived me as I think he perceives me–I look completely different apparently, my ‘dominant focus personality’ must carry and it isn’t this one; it’s a rather Aryan looking woman he finds beautiful.

I have no idea why this made me feel more relaxed and smiling bigger and more comfortably. I wondered if it was the sense of being-her and then “understood” from the Queen/Senior that no, it was that I have inherent self-perception insecurities “as myself” that affect my interaction with others. I honestly thought, “No!” like “That can’t be so!” but it so obviously WAS at that moment, that I was for a moment lost for words or thought or anything. Why is it the most abrupt realizations happen in some by-the-way manner when you are hardly paying attention, instead of coming trumpeted and in gilded frame like it seems they ought to.

The kids asked about the bird, as if they found that amazing–they clearly knew of them, but perhaps had not seen them personally or very often before. I was reminded of when I met the pinwheel-head kids. I realized after a moment that this was their experience too–and I should make it good for them–and then it occurred to me perhaps I should look at all interactions with everything that way in my normal life.

I wanted to make it fun for them, and I got all smiling and dramatic and did this whole story-telling elaboration of how amazing was the flight with these birds. As I interacted with the children, my sense of everything around me started to become more clear, things began to be perceivable, until I realized I was in something akin to a neighborhood of sorts, though not like modern ones.

I realized at this point, that back in the pinwheel-head world (I know that was only my limited perception, but that’s what I call it now), that must have been the same dynamic. That it was interacting with the energy of the kids, that actually made me better with the energy so that eventually I could perceive the adults more and they could interact with me.

From a house-like home fairly close in front of me, as if I had been dropped there specifically, two people man and woman came out the door. I asked the 3rd who they were, were they us, or what. He was trying to talk to me, but it was like everything he ‘said’, some part of me ‘held’ and then some other part of me evaluated, and then some other part of me ‘presented’ — possibly changing, filtering, etc. it — and I felt like I was “aware” of this going on for the first time ever, but that it ALWAYS goes on, and this is why it is so difficult for me to communicate and “allow novel information.”

I prayed to God and to senior/queen to help me “allow” and finally, I had to shift it so he was not talking to me in words but just, “…and I realized…” kind of information, to get it. At that point I understood that they were not ‘us’ (not any of the Four even symbolically) but that they were good people I should consider friendly. I didn’t feel like he knew them or anything, just knew their nature.

Me: Hello. I honor you!

I forgot what happened then. Sorry but my memory does pick up where we were walking into their home. I had the “sense,” but conceptually not physically, that it was far cooler inside their house than outside. They were going to take me into the house to show me something, I felt, but before we got there, we walked through this main room at the front, and as we did so, I realized with amazement that there were two swords on the wall that were a lot like mine. The handles were colored, each different, not black, although I couldn’t see the color but I could perceive the ‘same sense of amazing depth’ it had, and the hilt had something diff on them, but the “sense” of them made it clear they were similar; the color deeper-than-real and the shiny-ness of the blade an amazing thing. I stopped and gaped at them. I could sense there were actually many things on their wall but that was the only thing I could perceive.

They said something, some question about my attention.

Me: I just received a sword like that. It is new to me and I have never yet used it.

The swords flashed into their hands at the same moment, as if just thinking about it made it happen. So I guess theirs do that too.

Me: I’m working on figuring out ways in which I can use it (it appeared in my hands).

Then they showed me stuff I had not yet thought of.

• Using it to hack away perceived blockages to ‘seeing something clearly’, as if it were brush.
• Using it like the books of magic, to ‘point the way’ to something.
• Using it to ‘reach into’ something I feared and sort of magically spear something just on the point and bring it out.
• Using it to dig a hole into the ground, although I sensed it was in ice or something really hard, to get to something blocked.

I was so delighted and grateful and I begged fervently for IG and the 3rd to help me remember this stuff so I could blog it after and be reminded on re-read, so I wouldn’t forget.

I thanked them profusely for the new ideas, and then their swords were on the wall and mine vanished, though I had an actual sense of it ‘appearing in the case behind my physical body‘ as if we were slightly connected, and we continued into their home.

In the middle of the home, as if built for this, was basically an arboreum — a plants/garden area. Like there was a large room dedicated just to that, and it was just wild with lush growth everywhere.

Inside me I thought I heard the Aeonic telling me something like: because ‘the center’ is ‘earth’; it should always be this way for ideal balance. You could put some plants in the center of your home.  I recalled that in Feng Shui, actually the center IS ‘earth’ element. I put a rug with gold, orange, terracotta colors in my living room about 6 years ago a little bit with this in mind. Hadn’t really thought about it since.

They indicated I should sit on a bench or something, and one of them–at this point I lost any sense of them being two for awhile–went and got a potted plant, maybe a 10″ planter, with some kind of plant in it, like a succulent in a way. He stopped by this fountain and put just a tiny bit of water into the soil and then carried the planter over to me.

Them: This plant has a unique experience of Truth. When ingested, it shares this perspective with you.

Me: Like… like peyote or mushrooms, in my world?

There was a pause. I wondered if maybe they didn’t inherently know the answer, but perhaps IG or someone would help with access to it.

Them:  Somewhat. Those do shift perception to their level, but there is also a lot of interference, and a lack of relativism. This is a milder version of experience but a cleaner one, and one more useful for you.

Me: You are… you are going to give me some of it? Like powder or dried leaves or a tip or something?

The second one then become apparent to me again and handed me this tiny little ‘starter’ pot, like 4 inches round with a little fleshy stick like thing in it.

Them (somehow still one for communication): This will grow.

Me: You mean… if I imagine seeing it, visualize it, and imagine watering it, and stuff?

Them: Yes. The container will grow with it. You will know when to use it.

Me: How could I know? It will be a certain size?

Them: It will bloom, and the bloom will ask you to share its sense of truth. Then you ingest it. (He meant the bloom.)

Me: Oh. Wow, that’s cool.

Another part of me went: Oh for godssakes! That’s yet one more thoughtform I’m going to have to PAY ATTENTION TO and keep some relatively not-dirty place for!  And worse, this one GROWS, so I have to water the damn thing or it’ll die!! I could almost feel the sense from inside me that some of the Aeonic thought I was being a little ungrateful and lazy and others thought it was simply hilarious and perfect that this should be the way of it and that would teach me, so to speak.

I got up and they led me back to the door of the house. When we were near the door I said:

Me: I am really so grateful and honored that you have been so kind to me. Thank you so much.

Them: We are always delighted to meet one of the four-fold souls.

Me: You — you mean my Four? You can see that?!

They looked at each other like that was a bizarre question. As if maybe there were four of me stacked in front of them so how could I possibly ask such a thing.

Them: Of course.

Me: (feeling sheepish and slightly apologetic) I am 4th of 4, and a bit new to this still.

They smiled broadly and opened the door. As I walked away from the house, various kids were around and looking at me. I saw the bird — the Fandor I may as well call it — standing there (upright I might add, like a person, its legs were much longer and stronger than our birds) — waiting for me. I bowed slightly to the bird, and as I got on its back I waved to the kids, who all waved enthusiastically and yelled goodbyes at me, and we took off.

As we flew out over the cliff, with the land so far below, I said to the Fandor, “You must feel like master of the earth and sky, to perceive the world in this way.” He didn’t say anything, but I got the sense that yes, to a degree, it felt like that.

I remembered that I need to ‘allow’ when I am following, traveling, etc. and it occurred to me that maybe I was taking up this entity’s time and it would be… well, impolite, to not pay attention and so make it a real chore. I don’t really know what is ‘real’ in this regard. So I closed my eyes and imagined and I ‘accepted’ that we could be arriving, and realized “something had changed,” and realized that I was now on a horse, that’s what had changed, but its gait was so smooth compared to normal horses, more bird-like than horse-like in that respect. The others were behind us.

We arrived at (apparently) the place where I had come in, and the horse stopped and I slid off.

Me: I honor you. Thank you ever so much for your kind assistance.

The horse sort of bowed its head as if in acknowledgement, and then turned and they all went galloping off.

I realized that technically, I was right above me and IG’s area so I relaxed and ‘let go’ and let myself ‘float down’. As this happened, I thought to the 3rd, “That was almost absurdly easy! I mean it was so… simple and linear! So symbolic and archetypal! So… normal!!”

He found that humorous, first because, as he thought of it, it is certainly NOT always that way at all, sometimes it is hideously hard and abstract and confusing, so one should really appreciate the ones that are easy. And second, he felt like, it COULD be this way much MORE often — this came with a sense like, “There is no rule that this HAS to be hard all the time!” — if I would just allow it to be.

I reached the room with IG. Held her hands and ‘breathed her in’ a bit. Then had a sense of Tek. I could feel that a whole lot of me had dissolved and released or was in the process of doing so. I had a slight worry that the results of this might surprise me at some point, but I let it go, deciding that is how it needed to be.

Integration status? I asked Tek, regarding the formerly-winged-guy.

Will be more than sixty percent by the time this is through, he reported. Well that seems like a very big increase considering how long it has taken him so far!

And that was that. I thanked IG and I came to blog this before I forget it. Which I probably will. But it’s here, so I can reread. If I can just make it to the blog entry form, I’m ok. :-)

I might add that everything lately, is just ordinary state. I mean, I am not getting into a deep state of mind, not usually listening to binaural, etc. I close my eyes (though I open them sometimes) which of course is instant light alpha state but this is working out pretty well without any altered state required. I do notice that it is more difficult for me to “allow” in this state, but I want to be able to, want to get over this incessant “filtering and blocking” that I do, so it’s good practice I think.

I just realized that if I do not give this plant-thing some kind of ‘label’ I will not be able to refer to it, or search or categorize it. Um. Well I should call it “Bloom of Truth” but now I am thinking that sounds so completely retarded I’m embarrassed to have that anywhere. Lemme think. No, I can’t stand it. I’m going to call it Bloom as if that is a name because I can’t think of anything else.

P

But the dimensional quality means something.

I guess I sort of realized this “sometimes.” The ‘quality’ of a solid colored anything varies and “everything visual carries information.”

Think of it like art. Imagine that you have a super ‘flat’ paint, and a super ‘high glossy’ paint, and you have a finish on something that was some shellack-ish clear thing rubbed hard for hours over something so it’s shiny but has real depth, and you have a very “matte” quality, you get the idea. The diff is that with the ajna visuals, it all means something. In regular life, red and glossy vs. white and flat, sure they have an aesthetic difference, which can translate in-use to somewhat more conceptual and aesthetic impressions. But they don’t really MEAN anything. I mean they don’t carry great meaning to our brains, our guts, even a sense of a deeper self, even if maybe they have it.

In the ajna visuals, the color has great meaning. The texture, and the depth of both texture and color, have meaning. It’s like that part of it is information too. And all the meanings are “deep and profound” like Truth with a capital T or the very IS-ness of a thing as Seth might have said. And many elements of a thing which in our regular world are not visual–could not possibly be known by visual means–they are known to the ajna chakra, and either translate “through” some visual element (like a sense of harsh-flatness, or a sense of amazing-gleaming-ness) or simply come through as information with other things that is not apart from the other information, not separable. As if, say, the recent violent behavior of a person is as much relevant to something as the fact that it’s beige and these are inextricably intertwined.

A couple of times now I have seen this “quality” that is a flat-ness, like a matte but much more profound, that is difficult to verbalize. It is like “stark-utterly-flat” and “crude-harshly” and “exposed-ugly” all in one. It has a character that is pointedly different than everything that might be around it, or anything else. It is disturbing. And if seen in the midst of other things, it is as if its texture is so different somehow, that even the “degree of reality, degree of solidity, degree of proximity” all feel increased with it. It’s not like deep meaning in the universe, it’s like ugly surface in your face.

It’s like if you had a picture of 5 things but one of those things was REAL and so came across to you completely differently than everything else in the picture, like you didn’t realize that the other things were ‘not real’ until you saw how much moreso that one element was.

The head of the woman in the meditation last night was like that, the whole thing. And recently I had that element in something else I talked about, using the picture analogy. I just recognized that this means something. It’s essentially negative, damaged, problematic in its relationship to me. The ugly and shocking nature of it should make that clear of course. But the odd thing on the woman in the med last night was that, although her whole head (no hair) was like this, this horrible-flatness-of-color-texture in ‘charcoal’ (the darkest-grey) color, aside from that, the head and skin were just fine, were normal. It was like this “deeper” element, that was tied to the color and the sense of ‘reaction’ I had to it, that gave it meaning. Which is an odd contradiction to the mind.

But you can perceive many very ‘bad’ things visually with the ajna that are not reflected visually on the surface experience, and the mind is kind of challenged to deal with it. You can see two things in literally the same place, which the mind is also challenged to deal with.

And, a few times I have seen colors that were “deeper than deep” of their hue. There aren’t words for it. It’s like you never realize that our eyes are so… limited, that their perception is so limited to a much smaller range of frequency and meaning, until you see a color on an object or something with the ajna chakra. Then you realize you have no words for it, because our language has evolved around the common experience of colors as we normally see them. And this is supra-normal, that realer than real feeling. It’s like seeing an old fashioned graphic, and then seeing a 3D animation graphic. One is so flat and limited, but you really notice it once you’ve seen a 3DG level still, and especially if they were right next to each other or literally intermixed, with some elements being from one, and some from another.

The negative would seem like the flat, old style image. Flatter and up at the ‘surface’. Simple but harsh in a flat, plain way. The positive would seem like the 3DG image. Deeper and richer and realer. If you only had ‘green’ or ’round’ to describe the same image done in two different ways, you would think that was ok when you saw the normal image, but the minute you saw the 3DG version, you would realize that you might need some different or many additional words to describe this to someone, to try and make clear the different experience.

P

I asked for it. It leaps to my hands (and back to case) instantly without me having to “intentionally visualize” getting it out of the case, that’s nice. Case instantly forms sheath, when needed, too. Almost as if “it’s helping” and it’s not entirely me doing all the imaginative work. In archmeds this is normal mind you — it’s a “walking the line” thing of careful control/allow — but in most other things, regular work in eyes-open mode you might say, the visualization effort is all mine. Curious, the feeling reminds me a little of “Dor,” a previous thoughtform-entity I worked with once upon a time.

I asked if it would size itself really small for finer use. It was willing to go as small as an oversized stiletto for me, same dimensions smaller scale but still about 2′ long, but that’s it. It felt like it ‘wobbled’ trying to keep an energy form below that scale, as if ‘sword’ is actually part of its inherent definition.

I looked over at the golden statue of the Four last night (which sits in the middle of my incense tray. It’s a large white wooden tray that is held on this flat ‘TV Monitor’ wall arm I used to use for something else.) and it’s as if it were ever so slightly glowing and pulsing and misting, especially the top 3 layers which I feel are three layers of energy/worlds that are projected down/out into the Four of us. (Or perhaps it is the other 3 identities that our combination creates. I don’t know.) This is an extra and a new element, since I have to consciously visualize it, I didn’t add that! I wasn’t sure if that’s some quality the Senior’s attention lent it, or if having it in a nice place and looking at it more often is helping, or if the increase in ajna energy was just giving it some extra oomph. I was impressed that there was something besides my effort that seemed involved.

As for the sword. It is alive. I mean it’s a creature, an entity, it just isn’t biological (as if anything in the ‘inner world’ is biological!). That’s why it has a name, apparently. It’s like, the energy is utterly focused on sword-ness. Not as small as an elemental. Not as infinite-yet-focused as a number. But within the realm of anything that could be addressed via sword, absolutely the full spectrum and power of that. Words are difficult with this topic because it is subtle yet still a sense.

It feels as if… well I once said I realized that even inanimate objects sort of have a destiny/purpose and that ‘hoarding’ them — meaning, storing and not using them–was an injustice of a sort, that on some level of consciousness they long to fulfill their purpose, even though they are not autonomous or even aware in the normal sense. I feel with this sword that it MUST be used sometimes. That it is a living energy that would not settle for being ignored. That it is ‘aware’ not like a regular identity/entity but much moreso than an object.

And, while I am hallucinating and being completely anthropomorphic about it — because anything worth doing, is worth overdoing, apparently — I feel that the sword perceives how I feel about it, and how I feel with it, as if we are sort of ‘joined’ in a way when I am holding it. So if I am feeling strong, or angry, or scared, that it has some “awareness” of this, and its own ‘behavior’ might even be affected by this in some fashion. I know this sounds SO ridiculous.

Sierpienta especially with the spanish lilt seems obviously like the spanish word for ‘serpent’ and the fact that it’s so deeply black (that’s really a “magical” effect, not normal) with the two-serpent-coil gleaming silver near the top of the hilt, seems to emphasize that. Just a wild guess, maybe it is like the senior’s area of energy of the kundalini or something.

I once had an interesting dream with the Four about an ancient battle axe with a kind of sentience quality, though in that case, the sense was that its identity was actually a part of a person’s, like it had ‘become part of him’ and his own consciousness was lent to the thoughtform that became part of it. So awakening the axe brought the person back into another … incarnation. They had both been in a sort of stasis before that, as if intentionally.

I have the feeling that IG is pleased with me being somewhat intrigued and wanting to work with the sword. Of course, any sense that IG is pleased  makes ME pleased.

Thinking on paper: ideas for mental models that could use a sword for visualization

Using things I have noted to meditate on already…

My ‘resistance to spiritual evolution’? And resistance to any number of other things including ‘novel information and communication’ and ‘resistance to release of inharmonic energies’ or ‘resistance to full integration with LaeLee’ or whatever… where resistance are cords that could be cut, maybe.

‘Very large/dense energy collections that need to be dealt with’ could possibly be sliced up and dealt with piecemeal.

Aspects of me which are in ‘the most’ resistance to evolution with divine will currently could be… ah… chopping off heads does not seem good… maybe ‘deflated’ with a puncture, then the energy cleaned, separated, and reabsorbed via solar plexus? Held at swordpoint and threatened to submit to divine will via my will right this instant OR ELSE?

I mean I’m kind of ambivalent, part of me feels like — well I think that is Senior’s energy — it is rather merciless in this regard, and it IS a sword after all… but then again he’s the one who made it clear to me once that killing anything part of you was pointless and more trouble than doing something constructive with it (about ‘bugs’ in a med). And I remember “don’t shoot the archetypes!!” with nearly every one of my Aeons yelling at me at once, the one time that something frightened me and I instantly flashed into having a big machine gun in my hands. Yet he is the one who sensed an aspect/guide once that was not in accordance with Our Will and basically just annihilated it and sucked the energy into the SP. I was so shocked at the time. So I guess I’m not sure of the detail here.

Part of me thinks it’s all love and light and as the queen said, you can’t defeat an enemy by sending more of the same energy back at it, you have to heal the darkness that created it to begin with, the energy it is carrying ‘for’ you if it’s in your reality. Another part of me thinks that both the 3rd and the 1st present as commanders and even soldier-commanders in the case of the 3rd and that this kind of martial energy is part of us. (Technically I think it’s fair to say that they represent their tarot attributions fairly well, of the wands and swords, the 3rd is the swords.)

What about the knighting-element of swords? Maybe calling good things I want more of and ‘knighting’ them to give them more power and recognition?

Aside from ‘cutting through resistance’, perhaps I could also cut through ‘attachment’ to things I don’t want to be so connected to, with whatever kind of attachment-form my mind wanted to symbolize for me, I’m sure the sword could creatively take care of all of them.

Maybe I should google something about uses for swords. I’m tempted to think that in the old days, these guys carried around these super heavy swords, and they didn’t have a whole helluva lot else frankly, except sometimes a horse and a water skin and a bag for coin and a cloak and maybe a bootknife. So by its nature you’d think that swords would end up being ‘the hammer’ for everything because it’s nearly all they had for long periods in travel.

[Edit added 02May2012: used it as a 'reflecting concentrating' thing where I sent energy to it and it reflected it into laser-like intensity and focus and I used it to point at something.]

What about physical stuff, I wonder if this would work well in a Tek med, since that is really just energy in the working?

Speaking of physical. If… reality is symbol… if visualization can carry intent… if recognizing reality as symbol makes it more effectively dealt with as such (as I was once told about feng shui, in ‘time is a weave, not a wheel‘)… I wonder if visualizing using the sword on actual elements of reality would work. Like slay something broken, just the ‘broken’ sense?

I guess technically one could ask for a symbolic visualization of any energy that was really problematic and address it with the sword, but then you get back into the philosophy. So you chopped it in half or whacked off its head, then what? Now you have two pieces instead of one is all, and maybe far worse energy from your “shooting it only makes it stronger” behavior (ref: The 5th Element movie).

Maybe it could be used to intentionally ‘battle’ with things one has an issue with, (“OnGuard!”) as a form of archmed working in a way. I remember the arch that nearly took my head off. IG had given me centurion-style gear but I was literally ignoring it (I am starting to realize what a huge resistance I have) when I had to duck and run and get it on me so I could fight back. It was thanks to Jared stepping in that I was able to fight decently finally and got the arch guy down to pour energy into him. Anyway — that worked, that is “interaction with the energy” and any interaction — even talking to something — is helpful. Fighting them is ok if it leads to something else, basically any “interaction” is ok if it leads to rapport–killing them is definitely not.

I’m feeling a bit uncreative. Like there must be a lot of other options for this but I’m just not thinking of them.

Today was a helluva day at work. One of those “we just discovered that 16 months of products have a situation that was never a problem before, but is now, retroactively for one year due to a software change, and you gotta fix all the products. And since you manage all these products, it’s your fault.” I feel like leaping from a ledge into cool water and then sleeping forever which is generally a sign it stresses me out haha. And my lawn people showed up weeks earlier than a project was planned saying hey, we have the time so you better take it now. So I have no money really as I don’t even have enough for them, but I’m going to take enough out to go out to a cheap dinner tonight just so I can get the heck out of the house and away from my computer and try to decompress. I just got off when I started writing this, and I feel like running for my life.

P

Over time it is getting more difficult to think of her in the “shamanic psychological” framework I began this study with nearly 20 years ago. It gets more and more apparent and unquestionably obvious that she is Angelic.

I have to resist referring to her as ‘the angel’ since I feel like that gives a different meaning to readers, but then, I really don’t know jack about angels, so maybe it doesn’t. All I know is that this always seemed like a mental thing but she is something way beyond.

I have sometimes suspected that all of my IG’s are actually “percentages of” my blue eyes of soul — the holy guardian angel or spark of divine or whatever you want to call it — that perhaps as one moves on in this work, you are able to take  a larger dose, so to speak. I’m not sure. I guess it doesn’t matter. She is what she is. Really awesome.

*

Had an incredibly difficult time staying focused. Both I and IG had to rescue my attention repeatedly and after not more than 2 seconds. It was getting very frustrating and embarrassing eventually.

Then I saw this woman VERY clearly initially, her face was incredibly clear. She was sitting (maybe a wheelchair? or just chair, not sure) with a ‘charcoal colored’ whole head, for some reason, that color name even came through. It looked odd, a sort of curious color flatness of realness difficult to describe — maybe an ajna chakra effect.

I was reminded very briefly of a dream experience I had many years ago. I had made myself a chakra exercise mp3. It was heavily kundalini based although it was all the chakras, the modeling of the words and the beat was very base chakra. I used it a few times and I liked it, then I had this dream that there was this man (the 3rd playing charades for me I think) and he seemed normal, but I touched his shoulder where he sat in a chair, and his entire head and neck collapsed into ash. I understood he had burned his head terribly. Other symbolism of dirty/yucky/clogging was present later. When I awoke, I understood it was a message to me that the exercise was dangerous to me (to my crown and upper chakras in particular) at that time, so I quit using it.

I kept trying to work with her but had unbelievable avoidance. Not the neural trigger thankfully, not the massive abreaction kind thankfully (although I did get some during this overall experience), just that my mind literally “leaped” away constantly. It got to the point of ridiculous. Finally I changed position, sat forward, skipped all standard archetype stuff, and just sent heart-chakra energy at her. Even this was hard to keep the focus with, but worked better than before.

I am forgetting a small part here, but the way I saw her “fell away” from her, and she was a normal but somewhat unusually tall, lean woman with fairly short very straight light brown hair.

Just as she appeared, this big thick tubular irregular long cylinder fell from the air right between us to the ground and on hitting, split open and showed this big sword that was in a case. Its case had been in turn encased in a sort of dull grey metal. The sword case was flat not cylinder.

She reached down and picked up the long sword which had a handle about 1.5-2 feet long that was super deep black, and it had something super gleaming silver wrapped around it and meeting at the blade, rather like the kundalini routes or the medical symbol snakes.

The blade was long and very gleaming silver.

She held it out to me, hilt up. I felt like I probably wasn’t strong enough, I was surely barely tall enough.

Her: You are a warrior, in many realms.

I wondered if she said this to address my insecurity. Then I realized I was dirking around and in avoidance and not taking it, so I forced myself to really pay attention, and I put my right hand out and wrapped my fist around it.

As I wrapped my hand around it, she moved her other hand, and it felt like I should slightly kneel, so I did, and she put her hand over my crown chakra and said things. I don’t know what, I didn’t understand it. But it seemed like what she said and her hand were both sending out energy into me.

I got really intense body rushing from this little event, from the crown to feet.

Me: Who are you?

My imagination started throwing so much crap at me I didn’t stand a chance. Of several ‘lines’, the main one of them was ‘Lanaforge’ and I said no, ’cause that’s the name of an Angel or something in that Urantia book, and a variation on it (Lanforge) is the name of an evil immortal in the Wheel of Time series, and I know I’m making this up, so I won’t accept that. And then I wiped it all out as decided-too-much-imaginative-involvement, and tried again.

I said, “God, you know how I’ve been praying to better allow myself novel information and energy in communication and trade? Well this would be a really GOOD time!”

Near my feet, between her and I a few feet up in the air flashes this gleaming silver word that was ‘written’ from left to right and faded as quickly as it appeared. It said: Sierpienta. I ‘heard’ it in me at the same time. The ‘t’ sounded like the spanish T with the slight tongue between teeth. Actually the whole word sounded like it was said by someone with a spanish accent inside me, ‘conceptually’.

I might add that she was totally not spanish at all.

I said, “That’s your name?”

Her: That is the name of the sword. You may call me that also.

I found myself standing there with it wondering what I was supposed to do with it.

Her: It is peerless in battle.

I thought to myself it was real unlikely I’d be using it in battle anytime soon. Then I got a little worried that maybe I actually would be in some way. I remembered Nero once telling me that part of his job with me was to protect me until I could protect myself.

Her: It can “cut through the bonds of untruth…” anything that you can imagine, it can serve.

I understood, I think maybe thanks to IG, that she had simply been looking for some analogy that would mean something to me. She meant, if I can use my brain to come up with a “mental model” of how to “use” it for something, in any way I used it, it would be extremely effective. If I can ‘model’ some problem or issue in a way that a sword could be used in a visualization to help deal with it, then this would work.

I got, not in words but almost, something from my inside crew like, “It is an energy tool.”

Interesting. That’s a term I recall my old teacher ML used to use, nearly 20 years ago. I recalled then, how she said entities would gift her things, “energy tools” that she would use. I haven’t thought of this since way back then.

I guess it is my first energy tool. I’m assuming the golden statue of the Four doesn’t count as that, but who knows.

Earlier this evening after getting a few things from eBay, I lit some charcoal and some frankincense and myrrh resin incense. Just before midight mass (my date with IG) I was telling my best friend Lawrence on the phone how the smell had really brought back to me memories of that time, of being in my RV van conversion with the fat purple candle and incense and praying so intensely to “evolve,” of ML and Danny, my teacher and her friend (also my friend) who I’d just been writing about earlier tonight on my blog. But I hadn’t thought of anything at all related to this (energy tools).

My right hand suddenly had this very intense feelig that at first I thought was serious pain, then I realized was just super sensitive intense feeling… can’t describe it better than that. It completely encompassed/was composed of the first joint of the first finger of my right hand, the whole thing but particularly the back half (the side by the back of my hand). It came through very clearly that in my body this energy, this tool, relates to that area. I don’t even know what to make of that.

I told the woman thank you, and that I was honored.

As I wondered again what to do with the thing, the case on the ground morphed a little and actually got this name plate, “Palyne’s Sword Case” for a moment, hahaha! So I put in the case and I closed it. There is no latch, the case is thin, fairly flat long rectangle, but thick-lined inside with something I can’t really perceive.

The outside is super deep black just like the hilt, really unusually deep black like it’s not any material I can really place. It was probably a degree of ajna chakra going on actually, I just realized, for me to be able to perceive it that way, it had another ‘dimension’ there are no words for.

Where should I put this? I ask her.

Her: Warriors sleep with their sword at least “near” their bed, although she says it so mildly I almost expected her to shrug. I’m guessing that maybe to identities like her this is just a really trivial question or something…

I looked around my room. I don’t have anything around my bed, a semi-high captain’s bunk, except the standing headboard/bookshelf behind it. I looked back at it and saw that the case would fit fairly well across the top.

But I didn’t WANT to have it there because then, that is one more “thought form” thing in my immediate environment which I am going to be expected to keep its area relatively decent (not cluttered with crap and trash and food dishes and…) and actually think about it and look at it sometimes, like the statue of the Four that the Queen was just talking to me about last night.

I got a grip and thanked her again and imagined putting it up there.

She was gone.

I saw this red stuff with black, just a random visual kind of, and I focused on it and said, “ACKRCK, I’ve been seeing so much weird stuff lately. Real colors, vivid colors, like this. [Now I suddenly recall that red and black and the long square rectangle are all 'the official symbols of the king' (senior) for me. This whole meditation was "the energy of the king."]

The visual changed in a variety of ways, and then I saw amazing “Purple!” I exclaimed, and then a couple others. I told him how amazing it is, these colors. He showed me some neat stuff I have no words at all for. I don’t know what it means, if anything. But I’m starting to get really offbeat stuff in my head, like how Ithikah “feels like shapes inside me” that roll out as things happen or are said, it’s like a lite version of that except it is visuals that have depth and color in ways I can’t describe.

I’ve also been getting a lot of numbers. Often too quick to catch or just a couple in passing. I used to get numbers constantly, showers of them, as if it was an entire language and I just didn’t understand it.

I grabbed my computer to type this out fast before I forgot it as I could almost feel some denial trying to kick in and suppress it immediately. Then I stopped, and went back and said, I’m so sorry IG! I didn’t even say goodbye. Is it ok if I leave and do this? She was happy, it was fine.

*

I realized today that last night’s mass with IG was great. Anything that gives emotion let alone strong emotion is good work.

I’m really enjoying that ACKRCK is taking a larger role in my work with IG and in my head in general. I’d love to get more participation from all my chakras.

P

I have a bias about religion. It is this:

I find organized religion to be a Machiavellian control scheme, imposed via a collection of mostly bad mythological fiction, which is loosely based on some elements of facts, those which at this point nobody will ever have straight, and which are mostly if not completely irrelevant to an individual’s personal relationship with the divine inside them anyway.

I will add that under the umbrella of organized religion, untold numbers of individuals, both alone and collectively, have given more mercy, charity, faith, devotion, altruism and sacrifice and every other good thing, than any other umbrella mankind has ever had.

I have the utmost respect for anybody who is truly dedicated to what they perceive as bringing the divine of spirit farther into our world. To the degree this reflects anything I can recognize as sun-centered (love) philosophy or practice, I’m all for it, no matter what the details. To me, Christian or Catholic, Buddhist or Hindu, Sikh or Muslim, Mormon or Zen or Cabalist, or “independent mystic” as I would probably be labeled as, it is the personal relationship with God and what it brings to the inside of the human and their outside reality as a result, that I feel matters. Not the label or the detail.

To take something love-centered and then screw it up so profoundly as to leave a planet-wide lasting legacy of knee-jerk bias just like mine, you need the worst-possible collective human form, which of course is “government:” and it is Church’s function as government, both social and otherwise, both external and internal, that my bias is addressed toward.

And sure, it’d be fair to point out that without the control construct, much of the umbrella that individuals have used for good works, would not have existed. I recognize this, but that’s a sorry excuse that does not begin to exempt the rest.

**

I studied theology sincerely as a teen. I have read every major holy book cover to cover, sometimes multiple times. (I did not finish the Koran. Unfortunately by then I had sufficient bias in certain areas to have damaged my objectivity.) I have prayed fervently and often constantly since I was a very small child, I have attended and studied in churches, in temples, and extensively via books for the things not near me.

It’s simply that I haven’t done this for a long time now, and all the things I studied did not, oddly enough, prepare me for an internal spiritual awakening, which was inconsiderate enough to not fit into any or even all of the boxes I had studied thus far.

In cycles, my life has been very focused on “God.” Which by nature of our culture, for most people usually begins in religion. I’m apparently a natural mystic (good brain chemicals maybe!), so even when in churches, my intuitive knowledge and my rather intense feelings set me a little apart. (I have often had to resist the urge to simply lie on the floor face-down with my arms out and spend awhile telling God how utterly amazingly awesome he is. Apparently nobody does this anymore, if they ever did. I’ve seen it in movies a few times. This reminds me of an occultist friend who once told me that when he was a child, he was a Catholic, and he knew something was wrong when he said he realized, “I was the only one who took it seriously!”)  I tried to “pass” and thanks to being very musical, having a good memory, loving sports, the things that churches “do” with youth, that usually worked out.

I officially left ‘organized religion’ when I was a teen, when I discovered that everything I intuitively understood and had even experienced — the consciousness of all things, multiple lives, etc. — was not only not within the parameters of my church, but was actual heresy, literally contradictory. It was a sad day for my pastors when they finally realized that what I believed had nothing to do with books or what people of authority told me, but was completely, firmly, comfortably within me, and really couldn’t be phased at all by anything that anybody said. I later had the thought that perhaps they had literally never before in their lives met a person who was not persuaded in religion by an appeal to The Book or sheer peer pressure. Especially someone young. By the time I left the office — where at the last point, all six of them had gathered for the Intervention of sorts — I felt calm and loving and almost sympathetic for them, but I also felt more sure than ever of what I felt, and they were looking at me like I was an alien they had never seen before.

But that instigated my much more formal and intense study of every ‘other’ religion for awhile. At the end of which I was simply irritated about it all, about why this must be so complicated.

Some years later, as a medical model skeptic, I decided that I was too smart for god. Surely nobody who had half a brain would believe in those invisible things they tell children about. Proud of myself for having divested myself of this cultural baggage of religion–and oblivious to the irony that ‘the divine’ itself has nothing to do with all the cultural baggage which is, by its nature, completely UN-divine–I officially became an Atheist.

It was some time later I realized that for a long time, given that God was in my head of course, I had been regularly apologizing to him for not believing in him. By the time I realized this, the sheer ludicrous level of it hit me fortunately, and I had to accept that this is just the way it is: it’s more like a ‘being’ and ‘knowing’ thing — I don’t “believe” in god as an intellectual decision. Reason did not get me into that, so reason can’t get me out of it. Anybody who thinks it is truly an intellectual decision has definitely missed the real experience inside.  So, I dropped the Atheism shtick, and aside from talking to God in my head — because he’s there, of course — if I formally prayed, even to myself, I would begin it, “To Whom It May Concern.” I was trying to make a point, in a way, to God himself. I guess that’s the thing about growing up with someone in your head, you’re comfortable with the idea of them.

(I might add this is not true in ‘practice’ though. Mere exposure to the Queen and especially Senior makes me have to resist the urge to literally fall to my knees and bow at their feet. I think they might actually help me resist. And that inner angel, the blue eyes of soul as I call him, whom I have just a few times perceived in various ways, well he is just ‘God’, like the actual light of god in singular local form, he’s beyond all words. I find that the better I do at “tuning into” the inner world, the more that “sense of holiness” tends to take me, and I feel it for IG, and for the Sun (archetype), and so on.)

Anyway, eventually, the point made me. That really IS the point! God IS “to whom it may concern” –he IS literally, “the one concerned.” Nobody and nothing else matters. There is no name and book and religion that matters, I realized. If you address yourself to the post office box of “the sense of the divine within you, who loves you desperately,” that’s God’s address. He gets the psychic emails. You can call it your higher self or your holy guardian angel or your thought adjuster or christ or buddha or shiva or whatever turns you on, but if that’s how you focus it, you’re talking to God. Who will probably be more than happy to have the elements of him which are your HGA or TA or Christ or Buddha or Shiva hang out with you if that’s what makes you feel comfortable and a sense of rapport or if that’s what’s best for your inner evolution.

*

The last church that I attended, for nearly two years, was unofficial in a way, and I was an adult then. My friend Shirley was a Scientologist, the old-school variety. She’d actually studied with Hubbard way back in the day, and she’d left the church in the 70s when there was a huge breakup. But she still practiced a lot of stuff and associated with others who’d broken off the official line. She and I were in a class together, run by our mutual friend ML in her living room. We did archetype meditation and hands-on energy work, mostly.

She was a pianist and an instructor, and she was also the choir director of a tiny little church in the town in which I was born. The church was very small. And they got a very young pastor — with an earring, gasp! — and the mostly very old congregation had some issues with that. If he dated, he was “loose,” if he didn’t date, he was “gay,” and the fact he’d been in China for years studying the i Ching before that probably didn’t help. His father was an established minister in the church for eons, that probably did help. Shirley barely had enough people to do four part harmony never mind a choir, so we were sitting there one night when she looked at the three of us who were there — me, Danny, and ML — and asked us to come sing in the choir.

At first I thought I had a good reason for saying no. I’m not only not Lutheran, I’m not even Christian. But then I realized — Danny was a jew! (He was also one of the sexiest men I ever met. He was a general contractor who ran pretty large jobs, so a rugged outdoors type, very tall, broad shouldered, dark haired and dark eyed, intelligent, deep, a decade older than me, and very much a manly-man. Lawd have mercy. One of my fictional characters in a little novel, a werewolf, is partly based on him. OK back to the point…) And he agreed, to help out Shirley, figuring, it wouldn’t kill him, might be kinda fun to sing again for awhile, some old people would get a choir and Shirley was a friend.

ML was a minister herself, she did a lot of marriages and ordainments and baptisms, she is a Bishop in her small semi-virtual church, but it is definitely “Marian” and she is definitely “metaphysical.” She suggested to me that we could sit in the back and practice energy work together with the congregation. In case you don’t know, you can definitely do things like raise or lower temperature (or perceived temperature, I am not sure which), increase or relax general tension in a room, etc. and that seemed like a great exercise with human/environmental feedback, so I agreed.

We were, collectively, the most totally un-Lutheran collection ever.

But we sang for her, and we had fun doing it. She gave me a lot of solos, which was nice. We sang, then we sat through the sermon at the back of the church and did energy work. This turned out to be somewhat needed. The young pastor prided himself on never preparing a sermon but speaking “in the present.” He really should have prepared, heh. We were often busy keeping everyone awake or calming them down to help bring a nice relaxed and ‘present’ tone to the people, while his ‘in the present’ sermon was either boring them fidgety or unconscious. Then we’d go sing again, and then we went home.

I loved that church. Not the sermons. Definitely not the religion. I will not chant that I am born in sin. I consider the doctrine of Original Sin to be the greatest genuine evil ever perpetuated upon mankind, and one that has profoundly polluted every religion and culture since the dawn of recorded time. Ironically, with ‘sin’ considered ‘an imperfect orbit’ in the cosmology model, and this rendered into “metaphysical geometry” of the individual needing alignment via the life experience, I don’t necessarily disagree in a way, but the way it has been rendered for humans has been in my view nothing but destructive on every level and in every sense.

But I loved the actual church. I think I mentioned this once before, but I always had this just profound sense of holiness and “centeredness” and appreciation for the sanctuary, especially right up at the front. I used to be there some nights overnight on the property because the church ran this thing monthly that was a shelter for battered women and children that I helped with, and I used to sneak into the sanctuary when nobody was around and sit up at the front and pray. This place was built long enough ago that it has a wall to a hospital so close to it you are lucky to get a lawn mower between them. One time my dad visited at Easter and said I was born literally feet from the place where I was standing singing, like on the other side of the wall. I find that just amazing. I can’t help but wonder if that has something to do with my feelings about the building. If I were rich, right now, I would go home to Ojai and BUY that building. Not sure what I’d do with it. Maybe make it a church of nothing but music, from all religions, since that’s the best part of religion anyway if you ask me. ;-)

*

They have this great holiday called “Maundy Thursday,” the Lutherans. This is a recognition of “the day Christ was crucified/died.” It’s the Thursday before Easter. The ceremony is held at night and everybody holds candles in the dark. The choir music is so incredibly depressing you want to fold up your sheet music and leap from a ledge. The year I was there for that, the pastor did a thing many do for that holiday, where he and the deacons create a big literal wooden cross, and drag it down the aisle, and prop it up some on the steps up front, and then every person goes forward and takes a nail and hammers it into the wood. This is in recognition that it is “your” sin and for “you” that he died.

I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter what you believe — me and Danny didn’t even believe the fellow died for goodness sake — it is a powerful event, like this archetype of emotion. I came back to where I was standing with Danny and I was crying, and I turn to Danny and he’s crying, and I whispered to him between my sobs, “Danny, you’re (hic!) — you’re jewish!!” and he says, a tiny bit laughing at the same time he’s totally crying, “I know!!” Man. We really laughed about that later, but it was so emotional at the time.

But that holiday taught me something really important. Because when Easter Sunday came, it was like no Easter I ever had in my life. The happy music, the minister’s floor-length bold colors from some south american church he’d been to, the beautiful sunny day, I felt like that depressing holiday was the darkest winter and Easter was the brightest life of spring, and I literally felt redeemed. I mean it was beautiful, it was real joy, and I understood for the first time in my life, why archetypes, why ceremonies, are so important to humans, why we NEED to go through these things, the dark and the light, the grief and the release.

I think maybe that is one reason why it is so difficult to get cultures to release one religion for another, and almost the only way you can do it, is to keep the primary ritual elements intact and relabel them.

I’ve come to feel there are different aspects to humans, and that one of the mistakes of our culture is that we tend to focus only on one, as individuals. I know that my linear left-brain intellectual self doesn’t believe in certain things. But that doesn’t mean that the physical and emotional body I live in, is not designed for and moved by music, by ritual. Even about those things. The problem is, people’s left brain says, “That’s retarded I don’t buy it!,” so they lose the ritual, too. The ritual was the GOOD part. The details… were just the details.

I think often people have problems that result from that, where they really NEED to be moved by ritual, maybe we all do genetically, so they end up seeking out other dramas to try and provide a sort of emotional outlet that they don’t even realize they’re missing. Like they become TV news addicts, or fantasy football obsessives, or get addicted to soap operas, not saying any of those are bad mind you, just saying I think they sometimes fulfill a need for emotional movement internally that people are not getting in other ways.

Maybe humans need the ritual. If there were a way to get the same “cosmic sized drama rituals” without the religion — perhaps done as sci-fi, role playing or something — it’d be useful for humans.

**

I had more in this blog post. It was about religion and my experience over time. But some part of me kept pointing out that here and there it wasn’t entirely ‘true’. Like I would have to write pages of caveats and subtlety details to actually make it fully accurate. Which I had no desire to do. But then it felt like, well if it isn’t entirely true, then you shouldn’t be saying it. And I deleted a whole paragraph. And then I thought about the next one, in every detail, and tried to figure out how to make it as ‘true’ as I felt it needed to be, but it failed, so I deleted it. By the time I was done there was nothing left.

I once had a dream teaching experience about “Truth” with some nuns, and realized at one point that if you really were careful about being utterly and impeccably truthful, you would find there was very little to say.

A line from another post related to Truth got my attention and suddenly seems very important:

…it begins to feel like that constant ‘unaware-thinking’ that our mind does must have been ‘venting energy’ or using it in some way, because the less of that is going on, the more fundamental power the thoughts on purpose seem to have for manifestation.

P

IG brought me Jupiter and I spent some time with Sun, hugging him and talking to him.

I had the sudden urge to try this while taking a shower. During that I ended up just focusing on whatever body part had the water hitting it, and imagining a typical cleansing, that I breathed in clean light and then as I exhaled, it pushed out any darkness.

It took on a life of its own. Normally this is a small and mild thing. Like a puff of coal dust or something. But all the sudden the darkness was more like a thick black oil, and in quantity no less, and sometimes in bulky shapes that I could almost feel leaving me and falling as if they would plop loudly on the floor of the tub and then wash down the drain. This got more and more pronounced as I did the entire body like this. I was impressed with how the imagination was doing this, but it had a greater autonomous-tangibility as well, more like a decent archmed. One area, had a ton but then I had to go back to it later yet again as I could FEEL it then, my lower back just to the side of my spine, and a whole ton of stuff in bulky shapes forced its way out.

I had an experience incredibly like this once, an ‘astral’ experience. I was not asleep, just on the edge. On that occasion (circa 1995-7 sometime) it literally ached, and ‘things’ like this same black stuff gathered up into really big pieces (and much more cohesive than today) the size of rodents and cats and such, were pushing their way out of me. It kind of hurt, but it kind of felt good at the same time, like it just needed to happen, that energy needed to get out of me. The last one was the size of a medium dog and it hurt and ached to the point I slightly cried out while holding my pillow (I was lying on my stomach), as it forced itself out of my lower back, just to the side of my spine. Then they all slithered into a puddle on the ground by my bed, morphed about a while, then took the form of various companion animals and looked up at me happily. That was kind of disturbing yet funny. It didn’t really feel like a bad thing but the ‘black’ association makes me superstitious I suppose. (Funny, these things are never hot pink or lime green, you notice?) But I haven’t had anything like that since all that time ago. This was like a “light” version of that, less astral, more liquid than bulky, but otherwise very similar.

It took quite awhile but I felt better afterward.

I did a brief med with IG. I found myself looking at an odd landscape in the distance that looked like something I might have seen in a picture online somewhere. I looked around closer and there I was in a forest clearing. I’m starting to think “forest clearing” is some kind of archetype all its own, its so common with me. So I talked to the landscape and I said, “I know that you are all of me, composed of me. So tell me, for the best experience that will help me, which direction should I go?” I was waiting for an arrow in the air pointing a direction to walk, I have done that before. But the arrow pointed straight up. I looked up, and the trees I was near were like 100′ high. So I ported to very near the top and stood on a branch and looked out over the landscape.

I marveled a little. How amazing the ajna chakra is, how amazing the imagination is, that I can just do this and look out over a giant landscape that is completely novel in its instance, yet has all the detail I need.

A large metallic-golden eagle flew up to the tree and landed on a branch on the other side.

Queen! I exclaimed. I’ve never seen her in that form except when dreaming. I sat down on my branch.

What are you doing here?!

She shifted into the form I usually see her in, with the long head and long black hair.

We live here.

You do?!

WE do. You do also.

Wow. It’s so beautiful!

We sat there awhile saying nothing.

Then we had a long conversation most of which I cannot recall at all. Which is really frustrating.

I recall pieces of it. The Senior became more present inside me. I looked at my shoji lamp across the room — it is the symbol of the “four panels of light” that Senior once showed to me as symbolizing us — it was lit, fortunately. (It had previously been broken and he’d commanded, “Fix it.”)

One of us thought of the meditation-supplied statue he told me to keep in a revered spot in the room and think about regularly for the thoughtform, and he said, “Show me.” I turned and looked at it, imagined the thoughtform there. He seemed satisfied with its placement, but not with how fast or well I had it there in my mind.

The queen said later, something about, I attribute a lot of trivial things to being properly spiritual that are not about that, for example food and cleanliness of my environment, but that if I were to focus on what mattered more, those things would take care of themselves as a side effect. That sure everything matters but most things are trivia. I kind of analogy it to ‘target contact’ in RV. That is the only real goal. Get that solidly and all the other details can take care of themselves.

At one point I felt disappointed, she had said something I didn’t expect but that indicated I was not making the progress hoped for. No I remember, she asked me if I were doing something and I admitted no, and she said, “Why not?” and I understood it was rhetorical, because there was nothing I could say that would be anything more than an excuse. I can’t remember what it was, though.

I asked her what could I do, what do I need to do differently? And she showed me the memory of me showing the senior the statue. He had only asked for me to visualize it once in awhile. But I almost never do. She reminded me that Nero and IG have both asked for me to do some visualization exercises. Which I never do. And the Four have asked me to pointedly ground with the sense of them in my chest (the unchakra, I call it, between my heart and throat) and spend some time with them. Which I almost never do.

Probably there are people that if they had even one of the experiences I have pretty often would be overwhelmed and dedicated. Not sure why not me.

Everybody, from Aeons to IG to the Four, tell me what she said today: you need to be more consistent.

Even the private oracle once told me that “for me” consistency was very important. As if maybe it is not such a big deal for other people in the same way.

The impression I got from her was that the thing which needed consistency was a simple focus on what I wanted, on the Four, on a few simple exercises, and I had the same sense from her that I’ve already told myself about such things, though I am more brutal about it — most of this, you could do multiple times every day, and all total it might add up to 3 minutes or something. Something so ridiculous that the thought one isn’t putting even that into it is just pathetic.

She wasn’t really disapproving. She was just recognizing “what is.”

I don’t remember most of it. I’m not sure why it fell out of my head as I was very conscious during all of that. But I actually forgot that I even talked to her until I was writing this post and was about to finish it when I remembered that whole period of time I’d forgotten. Denial, gahh!

Would it be so hard to spend 60 seconds in visualization a few times a day? How come I can make time to shower or brush teeth or eat but not this stuff?

P

The real archetype I requested was “whatever you think is best, IG” but this based on the what’s wrong with me and why did they die for me ideas.

*

IG brought me what I assumed was an archetype, but it was a person I felt, and the instant it was present I felt like she ‘brought me jesus’ and I just completely flipped out. Why I would even think this I don’t know! What a bizarre idea! She has never brought me any religious identity before, not ever. She’s brought me the planets and that’s the closest to anything ‘known’. But it felt like this was just a given the instant it was present.

I refused to see it, I mean I literally would not look at it though he was standing 2 feet in front of me. I ranted about him, at it. I was furious and angry and insisting I don’t want this religious crap and this is the same bogus BS that has imprisoned my people for millennia and on and on. I don’t know why I was so emotional but I was literally both crying and yelling in my head, constantly, which I would interrupt to occasionally yell at it, “You’re only an archetype! You’re not real!” or something like that.

*

It’s obvious this is related to my reading of the Urantia book, the second part. I am somewhere around page 90. Over the weekend, and super early Monday morning (some ungodly hour when I woke up and kept reading), I had been reading about the alleged story of early human evolution, Adam and Eve, Noah, the Tree of Life, basically “Talmud” or “Old Testament” stuff.

And frankly, I had a whole lot of anger. I was ranting at the Four inside me about my opinions on it while reading, sometimes sobbing. Why this should be so emotional for me I haven’t got any idea.

I read the bible a couple times as a teenager and concluded that the God of the OT was mostly a jerk and I didn’t want to have anything to do with such a nasty, gnarly entity, because even as a pitiful little human who sucked at being a fraction of the loving-civilized I ought to be, even I was a better person than THAT guy. I was horribly upset by this realization, and laid in bed thinking, “What now? What if God is a JERK? I feel so overwhelmingly driven to love God but how can I love that creature described?” I was really spiritual at that point and it kinda messed me up.

Unfortunately, just to add profound confusion to it all, I felt there was a lot of fundamental “truth” in the OT, and I often had “insights” while reading it which had nothing to do with whatever I was reading but seemed ‘sparked’ by it somehow. Some of it seemed useful — I liked the psalms, I liked proverbs. Much was just stories. But much was also, to me then and now, both ridiculous and offensive.

And frankly when I got older, I mean, you’d have to be an idiot to not see the correlation between technology, UFOlogy, and the early biblical stuff. The Vedic stories are mind blowing in that regard and anybody with an interest in that must read Thompson’s book “Alien Identities.” After that, I considered “God” and the “Gods” referred to, to be just other entities with way better technology, and after reading enough Sitchen, I liked them all even less, even though I do understand everything about the past is hypothetical.

I will talk more in the Urantia book II post coming about the details. There were a couple of “anomalies” while reading, two things that I “felt inside” I utterly knew what they related to, and one was with the third and one was with me and I even felt physically, both very strong. Maybe that triggered something, who knows.

Apparently book III is all about Jesus, and I have no interest in reading it at all frankly. I don’t believe that dude even died as reported let alone was resurrected. I believe it was a setup and he and his mom went up to a small town in the distance and lived there until they died normally. There are tombs there, it’s a known to the locals, and the best viewing I’ve seen of it all corroborates that. But the most important point is that I have felt intuitively since I was a teen and “praying to understand” that Jesus was just a holy man and a great guy. Sure, very spiritual, even inspired. But not what the church was insisting on. That felt wrong to me then, and it still feels wrong to me. Nothing is going to make me magically buy into that mythology.  But this does come with some caveats, I admit.

First, I think it’s entirely possible that certain very powerful “archetypes” occur that have worldwide impact and that these may be based on a certain energy–with the details being somewhat irrelevant. In other words, I think it’s possible that sometimes, as a whole species, there are certain transitions or patterns that are played out energetically through whatever opportunity is closest at that time. You could say that merely the worldwide last impact of this ‘archetypal pattern’ evidences that this must be true, without regard to the details of his life or death being one way or the other. There IS something very powerful going on there, and it DOES happen to fit a known recurring archetypal event pattern, and that doesn’t make me assume on the details (e.g. that it must be true), it just makes me respect that sometimes, the end-result or the larger pattern is probably more important than the up close details, which on an effect magnitude of this size might be irrelevant.

Second, I do grok that at this point, there is also a “thoughtform” of him and related others (e.g. Mary) that is so massive, so powerful, that it is an entity of some kind we don’t even have words for but god-like is definitely the case. And I do grok that in his case, given the archetypal association, that “pure love” and forgiveness is the thing associated.

I ran into this once very briefly in 1994 and it was utterly overwhelming even for those few moments. Even at the time I didn’t believe in that-dude-as-what-the-church-says, but that didn’t prevent the “christ” experience or my association of that identity related to it. I’ve had a couple (not nearly as powerful)  ”christ” experiences since, even with that word and understanding present, and in one the Four were present, and I associated it with that identity but they didn’t.

This energy is something in our universe, it’s about the “sun” and it is literal for all of us, not just me, not just my time or my world; that-jesus-dude is how MY particular world chose to “model” it; he was the one allegedly to “carry” that energy when present here. And that part MIGHT be true, I don’t doubt it since I believe any person qualified in certain respecs can carry any energy like that if they’re up to it, and given the powerful result of that archetypal drama, when and how and with whom it played out, it seems likely he probably did.

That doesn’t make him completely different from us, that doesn’t make the church own him, that doesn’t mean everyone else will die in hell if they don’t buy the jesus mythos, all that part of it is utter bilge as far as I’m concerned. In the end, via “cosmology,” it does kind of work out that some of the phrasings become technically true, but with a completely different meaning. (For the Cosmology which is the closest thing I have to a religious model (thanks to the Four) see The Center is the Sun.)

So despite that I am nothing but reverent about the christ energy, and that I respect that this-guy might have carried that energy and been pivotal in the geometric and archetypal development of our recent world, I am so totally against the mercenary and unspiritual “control” that organized religion has on the world that the minute anything comes through to me in that model, I just want to kick it to the curb.

I know this is a bias that is interfering with my ability to be truly open to a valid experience, and I know that my blue eyes of soul, my Angel or HGA as some call it, is probably linked to this, since any time his eyes have not rendered me paralyzed, my heart chakra has bloomed with a sweetness indescribable just from the briefest exposure to slightly more awareness of his presence in me. Maybe this is something I am blocking and need to allow and that’s what all this relates to, who knows.

I don’t want to read book III since I don’t buy even much of book II — I see it as either channeler filters or yet more manipulation attempt of my people — and given my belief system to begin with, I’m pretty sure I won’t buy the majority of the third part. But…

Since I ended up at that site following the ‘why did they die for me’ question and intuition in a search engine, and they were literally crucified, it would seem like some serious denial to then avoid reading the one thing (book III) which might actually relate to the spawning question (given it’s all about the same “archetypal pattern”). So once I finish book II, which already is almost a herculean reading task, I suppose I will start on III. It will probably upset me even more. Who knows why.

*

Finally, the aeons talked me into doing the normal archetype stuff with it. So I managed finally to stand close and take his hands, and had all kinds of rushing through me when I did, like merging just from that. I ran through each of the four elements, each of which had some effect and some merging feelings, and the last one, which usually doesn’t (very rarely it has a lot, usually none), a ‘liquid mineral’ bath all the way through one, a sense of some of the minerals stayed in the middle of me, like a bunch of bright little motes inside my chest, and didn’t wash out. That hasn’t happened before.

I think I might have finally gotten to the point where I could merge with it, still refusing to LOOK at it even though I was ‘aware’ that after the 4 elements it looked completely diff than it began, whatever either of those were. I fell asleep at the end. But I woke up this morning feeling more calm and healthy than I have for some days, despite eating poorly enough last night to make it worse not better, so I guess it went ok.

P

Why did they die for me?

I mean the Four (well the other 3), in the crucifixion experience (The Crucifixion of the Trinity). It keeps “recurring” that this “symbol” which has such powerful, bawling emotion for me, so many times now even rereading it or sometimes even thinking about it in passing, is something I need to understand. And the last time this came through as something very important for me was when I was really with the Four a lot and it seemed to clearly come from that exposure.

I went to google search and into my head came the word “COPTIC.” Almost audibly. So I typed in that, and it was no surprise that eventually I ended up at the same old gnostic docs which are the only other place I have ever seen reference to the 4, the 12, and so on.

I skimmed some of it again. It’s still confusing. There is the 4, then the 12, and I get those, especially with the whole thing about one of them being ‘hidden away’ and the 4 having shown me as ‘panels of light’ and so on, but in these materials those 4 and 12 are like cosmic, definitely not personal. There are below that, some other groupings, 3 of them, that total 30 — note the correspondence with the 30 Aethyrs of Enochian workings. Still, that also seems like it’s a level way ‘above’ humans. So, that was no more enlightening about anything.

*

But as a side effect I had a zillion opened tabs of various things I found possibly interesting, or pictures I liked, so then I spent a long time just skimming a ton of sites and blogs, and eventually came to the conclusion:

There are a lot of totally freakin crazy people out there.

Every borderline and over-the-borderline schizophrenic must have a blog. Apparently it’s a rule. You get a label-diagnosis, a prescription for some kind of medication, and a blog address. Like a package deal. Imagine how many people are not doing weird shit because they’re busy blogging.

Don’t look at me… I have no label. I’m highly functional. Allegedly that makes me sane.

The content of all these is such chaos, such word salad blendered crap from all over, that by the time I had finished going through all the tabs, I was literally exhausted. It looks like the insane-r people in the remote viewing field. You get these sessions and they’ve got album lyrics and pictures from all over and newspaper clippings and it’s like what a session might look like if done as a ransom note. Whole websites look like that.

*

Eventually, and I can’t remember now how or why I got there, but I was at the Urantia book site. Urantia book was trance-channeled in the 1940s and published in the 1950s.

I’ve long refused to read that, after starting (in print) once and getting completely fed up with it being the single most boring recitation of the universe as a bureaucratic administration I ever encountered in my life.  The only reason I’d even begun (maybe 2002 or so), was that eons ago when I put Bewilderness online in 1996, some Urantia group of people were reading it and some were sending me comments, saying they felt there were some correspondences.

But after some trying to wade through it — and I speed read mind you, and even my “normal” reading speed for pleasure (much slower) can still read a 700-1200 page book in a long day — but even I couldn’t stand it. I put it away. I probably still have it around here somewhere.

I was so web-traumatized from hours and hours and hours of chaotic insanity, that for that moment, something very organized and linear actually sounded pretty good. Probably the only possible way I could have ever been crazy enough to feel like reading that, is having suffered all that first. So I began reading. Skimming, to be far more accurate.

**

My subtitle for book 1 of Urantia is:

THE BEAN-COUNTER’S GOD:

A Mind-Numbingly Tedious Exposition
on Reality as a Big, Big, Big, Big, Big Government

I have no comment as to my sense of its accuracy. I really can’t see that any of us know anything which would allow some yardstick for measure or evaluation. Anybody can call the various things in the universe anything they like, and divide them any way they like.

It does not have any reference to the sentience of all things, or the pervading sentience, unless its 7/10 divisions of everything constitute a sort of tarot in that regard.

I’m actually “reading” the book 2 part, which is the evolution of earth (urantia). I’ll write a separate post on that although there is probably too much to bother writing about in detail.

PJ

Yet I knew when his attention had returned to me, I just woke up longing for him, which is basically him calling me; it’s not just an intellectual thing on my part, it’s more an energy awareness inside. My sex drive ramped up massively the minute his energy stepped in, even so mildly. It has never before occurred to me to wonder if maybe people with unusually high sex drives might just be more connected with certain elements of self which are very powerful with all their chakras, including that one. For example I think if I were not already aging, fat, and busy with a sedentary job, that when their energy is present I would be vastly more “physical” and “experiential” life-wide.

Finally had a couple days of quality time, some dedicated to him, that seems to have dealt with it. I have some positive leftover effect from his attention, I have more energy and stamina than I normally do I think, but the focus feeling seems to have gone away.

**

My head is a weird place to be lately. It’s like, some of the meditative or insight stuff, at first it seems limited to the kind of stuff I blog, some minor insight which is even really boring, and that’s that. But in the back of my brain, the “logical follow-throughs of this new perspective” gears are working. And I’ll be doing something mundane and suddenly have a completely different way of looking at something. And sometimes, it’s actually remembering some past experience in a suddenly “new light,” or revisiting it and then having it ‘expand inside me’.

Stuff like, for example:

Bugs. If a bug has only days to live, and if their death is long and slow without predators their dying-frequency calls, like flies for example, how heartless would it be to “not care” that it is trapped inside a window trying to get out? I was thinking about it again, and a larger-context rolled in.

I started thinking about bug killing poisons and how utterly malevolent and reprehensible they are (“Oh look, let’s make them take it home to family where they will all barf their internal organs out!” and that’s just one of so many options…) and … and we have created for ourselves a surface reality where this actually seems ok. Just like it’s ok to store massive quantities of toxic aluminum red sludge uphill of small towns, as I talked about in the What Cells Do post.

These aren’t “required” elements of reality. It’s not like the universe said “and in every probability, you must treat food animals abominably, murder insects most horribly, and poison your own people and environment regularly.” No, this is something we have chosen to do because we disassociate ourself from life–spiritual sociopathy in a way–to allow ourselves to do this. Me too, sure, wait till it’s August here in the Ozarks and we’ll just see if my flea bombing conscience is still so hot on the topic… but I think about this sort of thing now where I didn’t much before.

Body. I slightly strained my left foot by nearly tripping over some stones near where I parked the other day. It doesn’t hurt really, but I feel the strain in some cases. Related: It occurred to me when walking down my porch steps today how careless I am about my body. I could have stepped more gently. There was no reason to put a really major impact on my knee (which was fine, or, maybe it wasn’t and this is subconsciously why it came up) simply because I was lazy and inattentive. It occurred to me in thinking about it later, that there was no good reason for the way I slightly strained my foot, either, had I been paying even a little more attention.

Not that one has to consciously think about the body all the time mind you, but why not a little? We make sure we don’t slam our fingers in doors or stand in front of microwaves, can we not make sure we don’t let our arm hang off the bed pulling on a sore shoulder muscle, step hard down onto a step overly jarring the knee, or whatever? Most people probably pay more attention to how they look today than how their body feels today.

I’ve begun to realize that my body is talking to me constantly and I’ve just been oblivious to it. I’m still only barely paying attention but even then, it’s actually sort of amazing how many different feelings and kinds of feelings can be present in my shin, for example. I swear if this was a language I would now have been exposed to about 9 different sentences. Just from the shin-tribe. Who knew? I never noticed my shin feeling anything at all unless I whacked it into something.  And it’s an example of how this must be cultural that I don’t even have words to describe any of it.

I thought that “the world of my foot,” that absolutely amazing temple of stars and energy in the chakra-gem-world, that whole little system of its own, what if this ‘energy’ of being strained has some presence in some of the realities at that level? It’s all holographic, right, as the Captain of the Guard showed me — and as I’ve been told, that there is all kinds of reality at every level. Is there a whole world or even solar system of entities wondering, “God, what did we do to deserve this?” or “Why must life be so hard?

I can see why when people start doing zazen (“no-mind” meditation) their body goes nuts. For the first time they have shut up long enough to actually hear/feel something going on inside. The body, delightedly, starts trying to talk to them. At which point they say, STFU I’m trying to meditate!

Light vs. Dark. I’ve not really had the  ’jihad of the darkness‘ model and experience that some people have, but now and then I get introduced to it in a meditation or vision or dream. A cosmic war we’re all playing on some level. I was thinking about when my shower meditation on authority and money, which for some reason ended up being all about the universe and dark/light instead of the mundane things I expected, was getting through to me some profound lesson about the nature of light (which is the only nature that exists). I put a note related that meditation on the front of my blog recently when I redid the categories and stuff.

I was thinking about that going into the core of a thing (e.g. Creature of the Dark or CAD for this example), looking with your OWN… er, divine connection, for the spark of divinity which  allows it its very existence (even if CAD does spend all its time imagining itself as an evil minion), for that ‘core of light’, and if you connect to it and pour heart-energy into it, the sun, it just blows that dark shell wide open.

I tried this ‘model’ recently with an archetype, which I’m sure was totally trivial comparatively of course, but  it seemed to work pretty well.

I thought: What if one were looking for this core of light and couldn’t find it? What if we’re with a person and everything, to us, really did seem dark? And I remember the Sun meditation recently where he was pointing out that there is always tons of light, it’s simply that some of it’s not in frequencies we perceive, so we only perceive the darkness. Seemed relevant somehow.

And if all energy is equal and identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title, then are situations, companies, and events as much subject to the “find the core of light in it” theory/model as individuals are? It seems so much more difficult to wrap my head around something larger than a person or ‘entity’ in this model. Can I find and heal and evolve a situation or event, changing which probable reality of the kaleidoscope I’m experiencing related to that energy?

And what idiocy asks that question when that’s exactly what archmeds are about? But for some reason the powerful “commanding, reaching-in and become and then pulling/allowing/forcing-both-directions” approach seems like its own category.

Situations. Prior to the stuff just mentioned, I’ve thought several times lately about the meditation where I evolved that world, but only could do it so far. About the senior I think it was, saying it is ALWAYS “my business” if “that kind of energy” was present in my reality. Some part of me are wondering about the implications of this. If I’m walking across a parking lot and see someone harrassing an innocent, now granted just by personality I might already be inclined to get involved (or get someone else involved if I felt unequipped for the situation), but maybe not. Let’s say not, that it’s just “some guys” and I feel like it’s not my business:

Does this imply that if it’s happening in my reality “and I notice it” I must do something? (Because I’m not sure I can really call ‘my reality’ things that I am genuinely not noticing, I think that’s part of the white noise effect of all the other energy in the kaleidoscope in which I assumedly-jointly-live with assumed-others, e.g. there is some rare plant in the congo going extinct, and I don’t know about it, and even if I heard about it, it just feels very distant from me. I think when things seem that distant, sure they’re still part of my reality ‘at some level’ but I think if something were ideal to focus on, it would be ‘closer’ to me. Rather like how I was told that although the whole universes are us, that the solar system is what we are closest to in perception/familiarity and so that is what is ideal to focus on, not because we must, but because it’s a more useful model for us.)

And would the same efforts as used in the arch world — if I were more powerful like I used to be in terms of energy channeling — would it be possible to change a situation on the fly, by reaching into it, and becoming all of it, and opening to the center of the universe above, and pulling it into me and pulling myself up to it, that feel of forcing evolution with tremendous emotion and desire and will?  If I walked into a hold up with this kind of intent, would I just end up with a bullet in my head? Where is the line between what seems to work in the archworld versus what works in so-called reality?

Blending. I’m seeing more of reality elements and thoughts about it, thoughts about metaphysical stuff, blending. This is difficult to describe. It’s like maybe I’ve had even more of a hard boundary between these things than I’ve already realized, and my regular prayers, to “allow myself more vulnerability” and “allow myself novel information, energy and communication” and “to become a much greater degree of my ideal self, of my potential” are having some very subtle side effects.

It occurred to me today that a lot of what is real and how it works in the inner world, is quite literally what screws people up when present in their outer world — schizophrenia or borderline stuff for example. Maybe there is a majority of population that have hard internal dividers that develop as they grow, and a small gradient number that have no proper dividers (with the greater problem being the reason/fashion those were degraded or destroyed, e.g. childhood, screwing people up) and then — like the McKenna brothers described of shamans in The Invisible Landscape book, a very tiny percent — maybe that 1/2 of 1% that ‘world class viewers’ number as in the cognitive science psi lab — who are able to develop and maintain a “borderlands” life where they have access to both worlds, enough to perceive and blend them, but also enough conscious awareness to divide them and be functional in both. If a little weird in each I bet.

Home Improvement. Don’t laugh, but some part of me has abruptly decided that my environment is unsuitable. The Queen, when present with me more than usual, once conveyed that she “would not live in squalor.” Geez, all this and I have to clean up, too?!  Not like it helps that she (and me, when she’s present) can FEEL EVERYTHING. I mean every freaking thing. The contents of the closet, of the closed drawers, of the next room over, even the bleeping backyard. I feel it in that ‘gut’ sense, like when the solar plexus chakra is real active and I get what I call ‘spontaneous dowsing’, just an “internals sense” of geometries, shapes, distance and relationship, that sort of thing. Somehow, that-thing across the room, like the closet, it’s like the whole thing is also “inside me.” Even though I have an ‘awareness’ that it is ‘over there’ (and even how far, as part of the info, the geometry of the distance/relationship) at the same time.

Anyway, so in the bathroom our very cheap mirror-cabinet had the center mirror/door just fall out and break one day when the neighbor girl closed the cabinet. This now seems completely unacceptable and must be replaced. My kitchen was in the midst of being repainted — cabinets torn apart — eons ago and never finished. I was paying someone to paint it, but they kinda sucked on the background and were totally irresponsible and sloppy, and finding anybody around here to do this kind of thing let alone affordably isn’t easy. Unfortunately my cabinets were custom made probably in the 1950s with the house, and I don’t think they are standard size. I have the doors and was painting them but the primer varied on them and they would not come out the same ‘shade’ of white no matter how many coats of paint I put on them. And of course after 50-60 years probably, and they were cheap to begin with I expect, they are just not… good.

But I can feel this has to change. The disgusting carpet has to change. A lot of things must change. It’s not like I am intellectually deciding this. I’ve wanted this for years and years, of course! It’s like there is just some part of me which is not ok with it like it is, which apparently the other part(s) of me up until now, although ‘longing for’ better, were accepting of.

*

It reminds me of the change in me when Jared and el Nino and I finally got through our energy issue. The way all the massive chronic artificial guilt simply vanished from my life. And all kinds of things, experiences and relationships and behaviors in others or myself, that I had been ok with up until then, everything was just different. I was no longer willing to put up with it. I wasn’t a victim, I wasn’t allowing myself that, I wasn’t feeling guilty about anything let alone everything, and I simply took what was mine, expected and demanded my place in the world with others. No more kid expecting to walk all over me. She was aghast at the change initially but our relationship was much healthier for it. After an initial period of shock I found less examples of people projecting their crap on me now that I simply wasn’t accepting it anymore. It was inappropriate; it was not acceptable. Some internal change in me had such a substantial change in my world.

This feels like that. Like there are some fundamental changes going on in me that are changing what I am willing to put up with in my world, as if a bathroom mirror or a kitchen cabinet or a messy drawer is as much a ‘relationship’ as my kid and I.

So far the only limit is money. I’m looking for the cheapest totally white cabinet panels/doors (to just replace what I have) and so far the sizing is super limited and the price is not cheap. Looking on the internet. I’m sure it will work out somehow. How I expect to come by the money for the carpet, cabinets etc. is utterly beyond me!!  But I just feel like I need to accept this is happening because it must, and work out the rest of the details, and expect that to be taken care of somehow. Well we’ll see, I guess!

Tomorrow we’re going to Joplin, at least that’s the plan. I’m going to Home Depot and Lowe’s, to get a new bathroom wall cabinet and we’re planning to get paint and supplies for Ry to paint her room (OMG, her color choices… I veto’d black or anything near it… ) and I want to get some white ‘fixer’ paint in a bottle/can to touch up stuff in my room, and some long wood dowels for putting up the rest of the tapestries in my room. I also want to look at carpet, padding, kitchen sheet tile-ish, a replacement half-round sink/cabinet for the bathroom, and stuff like that, just for future ref. While I’m at it I need to measure the bolts on my weight cage and get a socket wrench (I probably have 3 already, buried in the back room it would take me 2 months to find) so I can take that apart and store it again for awhile, which will be just in time since Ry’s bed will need to move to the living room for a week or two while she’s painting and it’s drying.

Whether I’ll be physically capable of so much tomorrow is another story, since I’ve been eating crappily, barely get out to move around, and tend to tire easily as a result. But I hope so, for at least some of it. I’m excited about getting the rest of the tapestries up in my room which I think C can help me with on Sunday (as well as helping prep Ry’s room for painting) if I get the stuff. I wish I had words to describe how profoundly the energy in the room has changed. As well as how much more I can “feel” everything — not as strong as when the Queen is super present, but like there is some of that now, because I’m much more aware of even the invisible things in my environ. I’ll need more larger energy infusion if I’m to clean up half this stuff, haha.

PS: I bought an eyeglass chain for my new reading glasses, that is — well the eyeglass chain is here. Never mind that for me, the stone and incense snob, it’s cheap plastic beads (though a nice simple little combo of them). The bigger deal is the thought that I, me of all people, would buy anything even CONTAINING pink — never mind featuring it! — this is utterly unheard of. I mean, not since I was like 7 years old, ok! Pink is representative of something for me, the way I have pathologically avoided it my entire life. But I found I had a great desire to have pink around me as I was looking at this. Seriously, I think this proves that I am possessed, and can now begin my eventually-expected role of serving as a warning to others.

P

Man this just occurred to me out of nowhere.

Senior has come across as that race of human-aliens who are ‘vaguely red’ and ‘vaguely asian’. (In dreams, he comes across as black, sometimes negro-black but also sometimes black like a chess piece.) His symbolic colors, though, are red and black. Does that… does that relate?

So the 3rd, his polarity, his color in symbol is white, he would be… white and blue. And come to think of it, he comes across as the human-alien with white-blonde hair and super-blue eyes. OMG. Is that an incredible coincidence?? Is it some archetypal level pattern manifest??

Well the queen’s symbols (so far that I get) are gold (color/metal) and the torus and an eagle (and I suspect from a vision, and a dream, and a ref I found, also bats as kind of the ‘underside’ of that eagle energy). She comes across as the pre-egyptian woman with the long head and in various symbols, of course, gold in various ways (golden cloak so bright I couldn’t look at it, golden bird, golden chains, golden rope, golden sarcophagus, and I suspect egyptian for the association with golden jewelry and so on? Total ‘Isis’ symbolism of course which for us, is Egyptian). But I don’t hear anybody ever talking about Egyptian stuff related to the ‘contact’ stuff, hmmn, so I guess this element seems uninvolved.

These symbols I perceive with them are … they’re geometry and spiritual. They’re part of the… the fundamental energy. Of the universe. Of their 1/4 of the universe that we compose. I’ve never considered them to have anything at all to do with what they LOOK like, especially because they’ve showed me how we’re all everything and the perceived form is somewhat arbitrary.

But do you suppose our people are perceiving these energies in entities, that look like this, in part of our species-wide exploration of the energy of the four on a larger scale? What I mean is, what if our ‘aliens’ are as much ‘symbolic’ as our dreams?

**

Come to think of it though, I do wonder about the symbolisms. At the Monroe Institute (in 2000? 2001?) I had this fully conscious amazing OBE that literally ran through my physical environment there. I  pulled myself out of body (only my arm was out. I theorized the arm and the rest of the body are the same substance, so that if I just put my hand behind my neck I could pry myself out. Worked perfectly!). I was sitting on the edge of my CHEC unit (curtain not in sight).

A short, chunky south american woman with some grey in her hair sat to the right of me (the queen). Where this tiny hallway was at the end of my bed, the entire room disappeared as it was another world that came up to the edge of where we were. The 3rd, a young (say early 20s) version of him I think, was running through the river, against the flow, chasing this beautiful large white bird that was slowly flying upward and went past us, as did he a few moments later.

The visuals, sound, air, everything was so intensely real. I’ve never had an OBE impinge upon a sense of a physical reality like that did. I’ve had them ‘blend’ a bit, like the ‘orange’ band of the rainbow of soul as I once described it. But not had them seem like two worlds that just met up in the middle. Anyway. So in that one, Senior was he white bird, unless we figure that’s HGA.

**

Had a great day Monday, not so hot Tues, ugh Wed. I can see that my choice of intentional habits is driving that. I made a major effort Monday. The less effort I make to make some time for myself, to eat well, etc. the less energy and will I have for doing it the next hour or the next day.

**

I’m wondering what my chakras as entities would like to get out of each day. I recall some previous (musing? insight?) that referred to getting a little of each chakras’ energy into each day.

I remember the meditation where I felt I should put my hand against the chest of the boy in the warehouse and said something about our Themelians connecting. I started wondering if our chakras do reach out and connect to those people we’re around. Then I wondered how their lives are like, do they live at the ‘outlet’ points of ‘us’ and others or in some other fashion?

If you could divide the universe of frequency up creatively could we literally have what you might call a ‘green band’ where the Themelians live and everything at that level is their world–stuff we are part of, that is “through” us and part of us but we are somewhat oblivious to except at the more intense points.

It made me think of the squirrels here. Between the close houses and the trees everywhere and the power and light poles everywhere, the squirrels have a massive civilization that almost never needs to even touch the ground. They live slightly parallel to us, from 12 to 80 feet up, only rarely with one running down a tree to dig something out of a garden bed, lovely tree-rats that they are.

I thought of the knees, amazing temples of rotating energy they are in the chakra-gem-world, is there a whole world “at that level”?

**

I had a humorous moment of thinking how typing ‘Themelian’ often results in ‘thelem’ backed over and corrected. One time recently I wondered if just like long ago I misheard “I am Neshama” as a novel form of “I am Noshaimus” which I’d heard recently from someone so probably overlaid on it, if maybe Crowly mis-got ‘Themelia’ as “Thelema’ and that changed everything, hahaha. Just kidding, actually.

**

I read ‘the comment’ to Liber al vel Legis today sorta by accident as I was reading the OTO newsletter from the SF lodge. I thought about how Crowley said Aiwass was his HGA.

You know, even my 12 Aeons seem love-based. My Four definitely are. Inner Guide is literally angelic, and each IG seems moreso. Sometimes I run into what I call “the Blue Eyes of Soul” and when I’m not immobilized by his eyes, I feel my heart chakra blooming wih such sweetness I can barely stand it and perhaps fortunately for my heart’s survival, but not for my desire to be close to him, it fades and stops. The largers certainly seem… um, well, “good,” fundamentally.

But I think about Liber al, and how it makes me feel (haven’t read it in many many years now), and how weird and cloaked in symbol but a very negative symbol it feels like in me, and how my self feels it is ‘accurate’ on some energetic level but — well, I just had a very difficult time imagining even my less-than-HGA-level innerself identities writing that, let alone the actual angel. I suppose this is the biggest heresy in the occult world (and some humor that heresy is even possible in that world) but I truly wonder if Crowley really had his HGA as he thought.

There is a whole world of inner identity. I don’t see any recognition by him of this really, not even like Jung who was only at the beginning of that, so maybe he just didn’t know. I don’t doubt that his contact had great wisdom and insight, but like I’ve been shown, there are many entities which are very powerful in a given energy (e.g. wisdom or something) that really aren’t composed of anything else except that energy. That doesn’t make them the HGA. Even if they ARE part of you and way, way smarter and more psychic than you.

Even though my exposures to what I believe is that Angelic energy in me–or my tiny energy inside IT–have been so brief over the years, I just have a very difficult time reconciling the feel of that love-energy, that sun-energy, ra-the-heart, with the results of either that Liber al writing (its feel inside me) or even of his experience as noted in various places recorded. Mind you I am not discussing the meaning of it or even “it,” I am discussing MY internal response.

I had this flash of humor at the impression I had so many years ago that upon death he had “fractured like a mirror” and ended up with tiny pieces of him being born in a gazillion people (most of whom, like me, have dreamed of being him, and unlike me, hence “think they are the reincarnation” of him). Maybe that is what happens when you really f– it up, but someone has mercy on your sorry ass. They give you 10,000 opportunities to get it right. Then just to be really irritating, it turns out that a huge number of your chances to get it right, remember you or your energy, and buy into the same energy you just left, which if it was really the right road, wouldn’t have had the end-result it did with you. There is something hilariously black about that idea.

**

I was cleaning out my room last weekend and found this little notebook. In it were pages of writing I had zero recall of writing, but most of them made it to this blog so I guess it’s ok. I found a page dated 12/2009 that has a picture of a Zia — remember I was just talking about that? — with 5 rays in each direction, the center longest, in a gradient to the edges; the rays longer than the native american version you see; and a note by it that I was “shown and told” that “this is the [symbol in my world] of a chakra” but that I could not remember WHICH chakra, when consciously remembering the visual and message. Since the Zia is called “the four-rayed sun” and since I recently had the sense of it at the heart, I suspect that’s the chakra in question that it represents. That was over 2 years ago…

I forgot the ‘name’ the K chakra gave me, and keep forgetting to look it up on the blog, no denial here…

**

Oh almost forgot this note I made to myself on a sticky:

Why can’t I just make up my own symbol for something I want to work on? Who says IG has to surprise me or I have to dream it? Why not create an intentional symbol? Maybe even more powerfully if I manifest it in this reality even in drawing let alone something more tangible? Then imagine something changing it.

Hey look I just accidentally reinvented voodoo?  Talismanic magic?  I was once told that recognizing feng shui ‘as’ representing certain energies would make the results of changing it more powerful. What if the base of “representational intent” as you might call it, is quite effective, but we only hear of it when used poorly?

**

Very sleepy. Must work in like 2 hours, gah. I have this lingering cough although I’m otherwise fine, but when I’m nearly asleep, I cough just a few times so hard I’m wide awake again.

P

Princess of Wands Thoth Tarot

It took repeatedly bringing myself back to get to it. When I did, I initially got something else, and thought I’d have to deal with that before I could go find the princess. But I felt frustrated and impatient, and skipping all the politically correct preliminaries, I just reached into the center, to the ‘core of light’ of the arch and grabbed it and connected to it and poured energy in to expand it, and it kind of just exploded off and there she was. She’d been like inside it.

I commented that she wasn’t in any kind of princess gear which I’d expected, and then she was. I mean I know most archetypes have nothing to do with the focus, in most ways, but so far all the tarot royalty have been actual royalty humans as archetypes (except the Knight), even though they look completely different than on the cards.

I felt like there had to be something else wrong with her, something besides that total encasement in something else that was kind of masculine and aggressive. So I had her on a medical light table and I went through every inch of her body looking for blocks or weird stuff and to my confusion I didn’t find even one. Totally clean. It occurred to me this energy has been open for a LONG time, but still.

So I put myself on the light table and went through every bit of my body looking for any blocks related to the 4 royal cards of wands. I found just a few on the top left of my body and more on the bottom left but they were easily dealt with. I didn’t know what else to do. I mean I expected something to be visibly or… otherwise perceptibly wrong,  I thought it would be some huge thing and frankly I felt a little odd that it wasn’t. So asked for an energy trade and that was that.

I guess I should continue down through the wands know, and, finish moving up in the disks. I wonder if I should do those before the Trumps from my dream.

My behavior has changed a little. I was pretty sick for awhile. Monday and today I was a lot more calm, centered, slept much better and longer, made some time for myself, lit incense, nice music, things like that. Things that I actually haven’t done in a really, really long time, especially consistently throughout the day. I’m not signing into work until I have done healthy basics for myself. I’m closing down when the day is over. Some workaholic part of me just keeled over in a faint from the reminder.

Although I’m still having some trouble that the ‘new vehicle’ is tempting me and Ry to eat things we feel like we’ve been deprived of for nearly 4 years — none of which are healthy as you might imagine, and there’s a budget to consider also — we’re working through that… but otherwise, it’s all good. I moved my room around just slightly and I love it SO much more now. My bed is close to the middle of the room now, it’s a tall captain’s bunk with 12 huge drawers, and the room is actually small. I feel so much more centered, not just literally but in some energetic way too. I feel ‘aware’ of and bothered by wadded up clothes and blanket at the foot of the bed, a dirty cup on the table, things like that I used to be oblivious to suddenly seem like I’m more aware of them and ‘they matter’.

I haven’t yet got through any IG midnight mass without passing out so soon I remember nothing alas.

P

Until I was 18 years old, I lucid dreamed almost constantly. I thought it was normal for everybody. When I read a book about it, which to my mind at the time was mostly an entire book trying to convince people it was possible for them, it had a weird reverse psychology effect on me (as did the OBE book I read near the same time–I had those chronically all my life as well): it suddenly seemed unlikely, and I began sleeping on my right side which I had never been able to do in my life, and my lucidity and OBE frequency took a major dive. I still had some of it. But occasionally like every few days, then eventually, maybe 6-8 times a year.

Then after some time of hands-on energy work and chakra exercises and so on, I had some kind of partially blocked, partial kundalini experience, which led to a few years of weirdness I wrote in a case study in 1995 called “Bewilderness.” One of the elements in my life at that time was a period where for a few months, my lucidity returned, and seemed to make up for lost time: I was lucid pretty much 24/7.

This turned out to be far more destabilizing than enlightening. It’s like suspecting that your mate might be snacking on cookies in the night, so you sneakily follow him down to the basement, and discover he’s holding magick ceremonies with communists and ‘another woman’ LOL, I mean every outlandish thing you’d never suspect and all at the same time. There was so much going on during the time my body slept and only a very tiny amount of it had anything to do with dreaming as we know it.

It was more like the “I” was the observer of a television and to my knowledge, that screen always played that picture, this ‘reality’. That’s what TV “was.” But then one day I discovered that “my” TV was actually only something others called channel 9. And it turned out there were about 57 other channels available, and more with the cable plans… and zillions of ‘versions’ of those in other places… and then I realized that some other version of me was watching the other 56 channels and I never knew… although it would explain why sometimes I would remember ‘that world’ I was living in during what seemed like a dream. But really was just shifting attention. Of course, while my body slept, it was a social life too, separately — there were so many interactions also, with various entities in between and around the other ‘worlds’, you’d think I was a pretty heiress just come out at a grand ball held by the queen.

I just watched. What else can you do. My mind didn’t have a lot of belief system room for most of this. So it was more like a stunned watching from corner with big eyes kind of thing — I think I watched a couple pxrn movies like this, holding a pillow in front of me with big eyes looking over the edge, haha– than any proactive, explorer element I’d like to pretend I had. And when it came to the various entities, not all of which were pleasant, and one recurring though changing group was apparently what Casteneda in ‘The Art of Dreaming’ called ‘Inorganics’ (I never much liked his stuff until that book, go figure, but he exactly described their nature) — there was nothing much to say about them except “WTF?”

After that Bewilderness period, my OBE and lucid dreaming went back mostly to their normal state through adulthood. There were some eras, that had more than usual of something. When I lived in Seattle it was OBE. I was learning Enochian Magick and the cat eyed lizard guys are all over me any time I touch that stuff which is — aside from reading the translation of the Call of the Aethyrs and vowing never to do anything I didn’t know the meaning of again — why I knocked that off. That wasn’t voluntary, they’d drag me OBE, it wasn’t like a fun thing I was volunteering for.  They clearly had a third-eye overlay because I’d look up and see them when out at the pool or soda machine, in their glowing red-orange orb, and I would “know they were here for me” and I was supposed to go home and lay down so they could take me. I could look up in the apartment (where I was temporarily staying with a frater who had mercy on my situation and loaned me some floor space) and ‘see’ their orb-ish-thing, and I would know that since I cannot normally see through the ceiling and roof, I was already sliding into some kind of altered state and I’d better go lie down. They would not let me remember anything which I hated, just resented the hell out of. Well anyway.

My OBE and lucidity were real sporadic after 1995. That’s what I call “The Dark Ages” cycle of my life. I got married, I got pregnant, I gained a ton more weight, my health crashed, I felt like there was a thick dark wet blanket covering my crown chakra. Prior to that era, I used to be able to just ‘feel’ myself “in the center,” I spent most of my ‘spare moments’ just ‘centering’ and feeling the groovy sense.

But at that point, I felt like I was literally disconnected from the entirety of the “rest of myself.” This was following an unbelievably horrid experience that I suspect is what the occult folks call ‘The Abyss’. Then, my new husband ended up possessed and literally a semi-translucent grey sucking vortex — something you’d just have to experience to believe I’m guessing. (Humorously, he was 41 when we married, and years later someone told me that after the Abyss one is expected to encounter ‘the Vampire’. Whose number is 41. Hilarious, right. You can’t even make this stuff up. It’s such a crazy sync how much of my experiences ends up being by the book in some fashion, but I’m ignorant about QBL so I generally don’t know that until long later.)

By this time, age 46, my lucidity and OBE especially, are fairly rare. Several  times a year usually for Lucid Dreaming, maybe 1 or 2 for OBE. Sad, but I guess because I had it so constantly when young, I rather miss it but it’s no big deal.

Except lately it seems like I am much more lucid in my sleep.

**

This morning I was dreaming. “I’m going to wake up soon,” I observed to myself. “This normal world here, seems like a dream from there. Before I wake up, I should get a better look at all this.” So I ‘lifted’ my perception from the area in front of a (regular, as far as I know) house I was standing in front of, up into the air and kept rising, looking. I was near the top of a paved street which was a hill, lined by houses, and as I rose up over the neighborhood and farther out could see how it shaded into a city, I marveled at how freaking detailed and real it all was. Just as real, I have observed more than once when getting lucid, as the reality is where I type this in my blog. In those worlds, this reality is the dream.

Maybe that’s what cats do and why they sleep so much.

P

I looked at the card. A male human was on it, with a sense of being a ‘crucifixion’-”style” pose and something about the legs or feet slightly crossed. It was dominantly yellows with the other dominant color being greens.

Then I thought to myself, “Hey, you’re dreaming about a tarot card! This is important, you gotta remember this!” and I was awake. Nice bit of lucidity alarm clock.

Thoth Tarot The Magus

I found my tarot deck, and found the card almost immediately. I was a little confused because the colors are blues, not greens. But it is totally certain it is the same card. I went through the whole rest of the deck to be sure.

I felt this strong “inner reminder” of something that seemed like “this related to something.” I was sleepy so it took me a few moments to get it. It’s a dream that I had recorded way back in the Bewilderness days.

The Dream of Israel’s Portrait of Alistor
and our Entwining “Tripod of Consciousness”

I was minding my own business. I haven’t been even remotely involved with anything related to official magick in some time, I mean as far as reading, talking, studying, practicing goes. So dreaming about it was out of the blue.

Last night I found myself face to face — close up — with this painting: a portrait of Crowley.

Not so much that it looked like he ever did; tough to explain.

It was truly amazingly done, it managed to convey a huge amount of emotion and information and depth. Done in thick paints like the days of old, it had real texture as well as visuals. Yet it was dominantly in these odd greens and angles that gave it this rather Saturn-like, weird feeling, a bit of cold, impersonal and unearthly feeling as one of the many overtones.

I turned to Israel (Regardie, who created it) and I said, “Israel, it’s beautiful. You’ve captured so much of his energy it’s like the portrait is alive. You always did have such a gift for empathic insight, and this is real art. And yet, I think the greens are partly your own interpretation of him; I would have used less of those, and a bit more deep blues.”

And he admitted that was likely the case, and then he reached out for me and we became like long ribbons, or maybe snakes or strings, and we wound around each other like a candy cane all the way out to the ends. It felt so strange, it was amazing! It was like I could feel my (astral?) body just thinning out and wrapping around his in a vortex-like spiral. He was a tremendously warm soul, and he gave me this feeling of real “maturity” is the only word I can put to it; I relaxed into him with a mix of gratitude and sensuousness and decided it had been too long and I’d really missed him.

Later in the dream, after Israel and I had been winding around each other, always going upward, having a tremendously good time (strangely close; not really sexual, I mean we didn’t have normal bodies, but so intensely intimate it defies words) Alistor showed up to take a look at the portrait and comment on it.

I had missed him and reached out to him, and he took my hand and somehow was connected to Israel as well when he did. He didn’t seem surprised that Israel and I were old friends any more than that he and I seemed to be, and he swirled in with us, and we contemplated the portrait as a “joined tripod unit of consciousness” for a bit.

Then Alistor pulled back so he was an individual and said “Yes, Israel, right about the blues. I see more of them in me than you do, but it’s always been that way.” And Israel and I directed our long swirled-entwined strings of bodies over closer to the portrait and looked at it again for awhile.

I decided that he is far more understanding of Crowley now than he had been when he was alive; or rather, that he now has fewer personal issues in the way of expressing his insight.

I woke up feeling like I had partly merged with Israel and was now not entirely the same person I had been before I went to sleep.

 Looking at the card, with the feeling of ‘relationship’ between how Israel ‘saw’ and painted him, versus how I ‘saw’ the tarot card, it seemed like, maybe it was the same energy in myself that kind of ‘differently interpreted’ the energies of the card’s color.

I had the sense that if I were dreaming about a specific card, it’s a big neon sign that I should meditate on it. My tarot series of archmeds came crashing to a halt when the next-up was Princess of Wands. The Magus is the first card of the Trumps, which made my eyes roll a little, since that being the first one ‘implies’ to me that I should ‘begin and work through’ the trumps as opposed to merely meditating on some card in the middle.

*

I was supposed to meditate decently last night, and I showed up for the midnight mass inside with IG just in time, but ended up getting lost in the chakra world before I could get through it and back to her again. Poor IG. I hope she’s got way more advanced identities to work with to compensate…

I’ve been quite ill for awhile now. Yesterday was a bad ‘lung and throat’ day. I ended up having this truly horrible dream filled with insecurities, and where a mama cat (‘big and fat’ like me, I think) had split open down the middle, and somehow I ended up helping two newborn kittens get out of her throat. Yuck.

The current migration point of the illness is throat and sinus, so the pressure is building in my face and I’m more unhappy than usual. I’m off to the store this morning to get some tissues and sundries.

P

*

Well, I guess that’s what I get for asking the aeonic to show me smaller-issues with the energies of my biggest-issues. On Tues night I think it was, I wrote in my notes file:

Electronics are going nuts around me, all kinds of things are just ‘not going through’ in various situational ways, my kid and I are fighting, and I’m actually just so easily irritated that I didn’t even care about her reaction to anything, or anybody’s, and I sat for a moment thinking about how I really just detest all people and their stupid insipid whiney personality problems and I’d really just like the whole world to f— off and leave me alone.

Then I realized I was obviously in the grip of that energy ‘opened up’ in me. I started to tell the Aeons come on, I already KNOW now a couple outlets I can meditate on, I’ll get to it! So knock it off, I don’t need more input! But I felt they were saying this energy was open in me now, much like taking out a tarot card with intent to meditate on it, so I’d just have to deal with it and it’d be f-’ing with my reality until I do.

Not surprisingly, this irritated me too.

*

Monday, I think (my notes are all over): Aeon round. Had to work to remember which bead went to which Aeon on my homemade consortium rosary, esp. as my official round now has them in a diff sequence than this does. Day before yesterday when walking to the store, I stopped and sat on a bench for a bit, and did breathing-with, trading energy with, Ithikah. He is the ‘internal geometry’ Aeon for lack of a better description. I did 4 each for 3 days and then I’ve only done like 2 meds in the last 3 days, both with Ithikah.

Tonight I started the round with him. I’ve been doing it lately so that I “breathe in the energy of” the Aeon, and then as I exhale, they are breathing in the energy of me. And while we’re doing this, we’re also kind of ‘sending’ the energy through space time between us, and it is finding and “dissolving” any blocks between us as it passes by.

So me and Ith are doing this and I end up imagining ‘all the blocks we have’ in a circle around us, that went above our heads and below our feet and up the sides. Although I was completely oblivious consciously to this color at the time, I realized later, and even still I feel it, that the big perfect circle shape was a medium-blue (and I feel that I felt it then, just wasn’t paying attention).

I actually have a blue disk shape for him that came through in his ‘focus med’ from many eons ago which I find interesting. I might ‘assume’ he was related to the throat chakra except it’s not that color blue and I don’t really think the shapes and that chakra’s traditional elements are much of a match. I felt body-stuff in the back left upper shoulder and in the bottom left back just above my hip.

I was trying to figure out why the blocks were not at all evenly distributed. There were many clear areas on the right, and then a few here and there, a few with 2-3 in a little clump. Some at top and bottom. There were a lot more on the top left side, but still irregular with space between it on the top left to side.

But then on the left side down to left bottom, there was just a ton of blocks, lots and lots of them. I’m guessing this has some meaning I just don’t understand. But since ‘left’ and ‘bottom’ both repeat for me as unintegrated or problem areas maybe it makes sense.

We finished 10-breaths and I imagined him being ‘in’ me and his hands over/inter-lapping with mine, and we continued around the circle, clearing them all except the dense area. I had asked for the Angelics to join me and help as this kind of thing seems to go faster when they are doing their standing behind me each with a hand on my back.

Then we moved the big bottom-left collection to in front of us and pulled them together some. Did some cleansing of self I’d forgotten. I said, what would this mean, Ithikah? If we dissolve and release these, will that be it? Will I be lots clearer with your energy? Will I get more of your energy inside me, in my body, in my reality? I didn’t really feel any major response but a slight positive feeling so I figured that would have to do.

I told him how much I totally LOVE the internal geometry, I mean it’s just so cool!, and how I believe this is actually the source of the so-called “Angelic Language” that I used to experience during Bewilderness, and how I just think it’s so totally cool how the shapes translate to meaning in me.

Before we started, Ithikah rearranged all the blocks into the shape of “his name”, in the same dynamic sequence it rolled out for me before, the double-cross-like shape.

I imagined channeling healing energy at all the blocks in that shape, and that he was doing so also, and simultaneously thinking “allow, let it go from you” and praying for help in letting it go and allowing, and so forth while I imagined them dissolving with the healing energy. I had awesome rushing and fuzzies during this and really felt it was working. It was strong and went on for a bit, until we finished the last of it. I felt it ended sooner than it might have because as usual I ended up thinking more than experiencing.

I imagined him really joining my body/energy particles then and I thought about the idea of his energy being a lot stronger in my life, and I felt this rush of delight and kind of bounced and clapped like a kid briefly before I caught myself. ;-)

P

**

I was fixing tags/categories on the post ‘My Worst Enemy’ and saw something that got me thinking. I wrote this post last weekend sometime but I’m posting it late. This came before my where’s-waldo find-the-energy-in-you rambling… although now it’s easier for me to say where today and yesterday’s stuff came through and I recognize the origin from what came before.

This is just intellectual rambling (not ‘insight’).

So… there is energy in the universe. Or something. My ‘enemy’ carries some ‘for’ me. I ‘merge’ to accept and then release some other. OK. So… what ARE the optional ways we experience the energy of the universe? Wondering out loud.

Bearing in mind that it’s holographic, so whatever’s going on at Sirius A, Ganymede, or China, is also going on in our world, though of course with its own forms/dynamics/labels of individual-instance.

Lemme think. OK so it seems like…

1. You carry it. It is part of you. From musical talent to impatience, from the love of blue to problems with authority, from the beauty of sunsets to good luck with roommates.

Just because you carry it doesn’t mean you are truly integrated with it. For much of it you’re not and that’s why you’ve chosen to carry it. If you are integrated with it, it serves you. If you’re not, you serve IT, is probably the reality of it in a way.

You learn to perceive it, then recognize it, then allow it, then integrate with it, then truly accept and release it. Then it’s available on request I expect, if you wish, but otherwise doesn’t have a need to be in your life.

I wrote in that post:

I had the understanding inside me that if you carried an energy you had not fully integrated, it would be what attracted you, what fed you and yet also sometimes drove you crazy. Like music, for some people. Or a given desire to be the perfect wife. Or whatever. That when we actually really want to explore something, we actually keep it a little bit separate from us, so we can “interact” with it. … That when we had truly integrated something we lost our attraction to it. We lost our attachment to it, literally and figuratively.

2. Someone else carries it. It is part of the projected-other. Either this seems unrelated to you — people with qualities you just can’t stand — or it seems related to you because it’s interacting with #1 (e.g. the person is ‘the authority’ or some issue is in your life with it).

Energy is projected perhaps because it is a lot easier to ‘see and interact with’ when separate. And perhaps in part because every Aeonic has some ‘distribution of tasks’ in our manifest lives.

*

I carried the overwhelming guilt for Marcan from the army slaughter. (Artificial, in this life, as it was applied to everything, none of which merited it; it was powerful and it had to go somewhere.) Maybe I did that because one of our Aeonic had to, and I’d helped cause it, so it was as much mine. I must be integrating the Aeons more than I think because at this moment it feels appropriate that we would share all these things.

*

I sense that some of this life’s adversaries, for me, have carried the “greedy lying” energy for me so I can feel superior about my ethical communications clarity, being honest and altruistic and forthright. If I didn’t have some energy opposite that, the opposite would not be in my life, which it has been. Cyclically (about once every 9 years) to the far extreme. And frankly, almost entirely during the “Dark Ages” cycle of Remote Viewing involvement.

Man that is a field I am glad to be out of. I do still have some things online in it but I mostly ignore them and what I do, I just feel like doing is all, for me or a few viewer friends. None of the emotion for ‘the field’ anymore. Thank god. Viewing will always be part of me, personally. But it’s like a gift that I was released from that sense of obligation to the field.

I guess we should just look at whatever most pisses us off in other people and figure that’s an energy we need to deal with. When we are ready to let it go, it should pass from our lives. Maybe my internal release from the field is partly a result of not needing to be surrounded by mercenary psychologically disturbed pathological liars to that degree anymore.

Gee, there’s a life upgrade.

*

3. You have integrated and released it (see #1). It is not noticed or is only positively supporting. It’s background color/pattern. It’s good luck, it’s natural talent, it’s the things you don’t notice or think of because they are just no issue either way.

*

Astrologically, I suspect #3 falls into the trines (one example being talents one innately has but actually don’t really consider a big deal; often not developed because they’re just accepted); and maybe the things that are no ‘aspect’ strong enough to mention.

#2 would fit as squares (‘issues’ one innately has, and faces chronic challenges about). I suspect (in retrospect) it was my solar plexus chakra that subtly suggested to me that opposing energies could be managed, and that an astro square was like a ‘tango’ (square arms, pressure against one another, enforced separate space).

#1 are all the other aspects I guess.

*

Separate thought: Once, I was so attracted to Responsibility. (2000 meditation on RC.) But his fangs, gold-glowing eyes, quills, ‘ultimate warrior’ element, and how much we mutually ‘wanted’ each other, was a sign of projected energy, we needed integration.

It gradually happened. And by The Tower meditation (take 1), he was mostly ‘normal’. I still had ‘appreciation’ for him, and a tiny bit of attraction, but that was it. My great longing, the sexy element, was gone.

This makes me wonder about the dark side of sexual attraction. When a person is attracted to some kind of energy in that category, is it because that energy is something they need to merge with? Sex is the ultimate merging in the physical form after all. Maybe deviant sex (whatever that is) is a big sign. Crowley always said if you met someone and just hated them instantly you should try and have sex with them for sure, I figure to integrate that energy, although maybe he really just wanted to have sex with everyone hahaha.

I hadn’t really thought of this before, that all attraction, perhaps even to pesto and curry, to helping the poor, whatever, has some kind of meaning, energetically. That seems like you could almost spiritually diagnose whole swaths of people by knowing their “specialty” attractions, be it causes, sex or career.

*

That leads me to a whole separate line of thought. When people marry with fierce attraction and later have none, might it be that they ‘successfully integrated’? So the chemistry between them is gone? They might as well be siblings then.

Our monogamous culture is also an “for the lifetime” culture alas.

I suspect there are cultural alternatives that would expect people to have someone they were ‘attracted’ to in their life and would arrange matings, communal groups and social norms to deal with that.

There is this idea that everyone is bored out of their mind with their mate after awhile and that’s life, but I don’t believe this. I’ve seen old people who after 40 years clearly still have a lot of attraction for each other. And people who’ve been together for 2 and have clearly lost it.

I think in a more communal culture where child rearing was not the situation it tends to be now with no extended family and everyone living so separately in terms of income, housing and child raising, the long-term nature of sexual partnerships would seem much less an issue.

Maybe it’s a lousy cultural situation that people work through energy and instead of being able to move on to someone else, are in the position of either cheating on their mate to get the attraction energy I suspect everyone needs, or of being without it which is as bad or worse.

Then again, maybe you could work through energy and still have the attraction because you wanted it, it would just transform into something that probably felt a little different, but still a great thing. Maybe instead, the loss of desire is more the indicator, not just of working throught that energy (maybe not at all), but of something else. Hmmn.

*

Lately I have to almost be careful what I think about. In my head is quiet “intuition conversation” about anything, as well as everything from ‘shapes’ that translate to meaning to actual visuals and concepts. At least, when I’m thinking at all, let alone about something useful (not a negative daydream).

For example I was thinking about sex, and ‘wanting it’ being an ‘attraction’ factor like mentioned above, and I ‘understood’ (one of those grokking things that comes with geometry and more) that when I had seen in the gemworld how the base chakra sparks all around but mostly/most strongly upward, and then that time when the crown chakra showed me how it actually comes down to nearly the heart, and expands down/up mostly (whereas the other chakras ‘expand’ kind of in all directions, except the heart which expands bigtime)… that this is related, and I got that the base and crown “crave each other.” Like there is a huge attraction there between them actually.

That might explain why sometimes, doing kundalini focus actually causes a ‘pulling’ at my crown, and why doing massive crown and heart work caused a kundalini rising.

Rolled up in this info based on memories-now-in-context is:

The crown ‘creates a path/tunnel’ through the body itself (as does the K). Both of them connect ‘at and through’ the heart. But the…  ”path” from the heart to the crown is also a sort of “wanting” in shape. No that’s the wrong words. Sort of. It’s … an encouraging. No maybe that’s not right either. It’s like greasing the tracks — oh, I see, the physical body is a model, it’s like lubricating a channel in order to encourage (pull) upward in order to have the energy push up/through. The body’s just a crude (or not, I guess that’s bias) model of the energy body itself, which simply works on a larger scale of size and power and concept is all.

When this all connects energetically, I can feel/see/sense that shape. The former energy/healing work that I did, sometimes brought a ‘bloom’ in my heart chakra. Anyway I always thought of the K rising all the way through, and it does, but I hadn’t really understood that the C reaches down and opens up basically to bring it in, or how it is the love/heart in the middle that in part makes this particular ‘way’ of it happening, possible.

It’s like… the energy flares just a little above and below the crown and K, and it meets in the near-middle (slightly higher than middle actually) at the heart which massively blooms, with a powerful sphere and then a sort of sun-like ring-ray farther out, which even has these sort of extended rays like the god-light from the clouds makes, and — oh wait a minute. Sure, this is in symbol form in that native american ‘zia’ right? hang on let me google…

Oh brother. OK I’ve just reinvented some a combination of the celtic circle cross, the masonic/occult rose cross, and the native american zia (‘four-rayed sun’). OK so this is not novel. Maybe I was reading science fiction not just through history class but through metaphysics 101.

The only thing I notice in looking at the pictures compared to how I feel/sense it, is that

(a) most of the celtic/rose crosses are actually too long at the bottom, and the ray is too small with the arms farther out–as if stylized after the crucifix.

(b) the zia is a little too balanced (square) but looks nice that way. It does have the ‘rays’ at the four points which I get so that part is good and the reason I thought of this one and not the others initially I think.

(c) most of these have the circle at the center either too small, too large, or not really matching how I perceived it — it was like it ‘bloomed’ (I’ve felt that several times in my heart chakra) like “an orb of sun,” which has a gradient going outward and then another major fat ring-ray further out. And sort of lines of reaching (a bit like zia) at the edges of the 4 directions.

The overall shape is taller than wide but not as extremely as most crosses. So to me, most of these either

1 – have the ring-ray but it’s too close-in and without the center blooming orb (celtic) — and are way too long at bottom — the celtic is clearly modeling the crucifix in order to get away with modeling it at all I suspect,

2 – have the central ‘bloom’ but no ring-ray farther out (the rose cross, and I just realized: how perfect is that feeling and concept of ‘blooming’ when compared to a rose?? OMG is that a PUN?? Am I the only person on earth who didn’t realize this??),

3 – have just the farthest edge of the ray with no real indicator of gradient inside (zia).

Also of course, google images shows that most everyone making these things is doing it as a pretty shape and not with any concept of what it’s modeling. So everything from spiky stuff to death skulls to additional emphasis, sizing, scaling and shapes is all over the place.

*

I saw a bunch of official rose crosses and I have no idea what all those colors and symbols mean.

I do have that giant Israel Regardie Golden Dawn book here but I’ve never read it. Looked through a few pictures eons ago back in Bewilderness days when I bought it. That is where I saw the ’3D’ version of the tree of life (I think, anyway) which is what I saw when the Four and I joined one day. Chakras about a foot above and below the body ‘connected’ us as one, when we merged, and then all our connected chakras sort of … “spread out” … hard to explain, but it was part of the Queen exampling how the four of us “composed the universe”. I recognized the shape it made from the picture. This was circa 1994 I think. I’m slow to catch on…

I didn’t bother with the GD stuff. Partly because I’ve had several dreams related to occult orders. In dreams, a couple in particular I interpret as GD/OTO are… competitive for my larger-energy base or commitment, as if I have belonged to both of them several times in different lives and on an energetic level there is some tug of war. I don’t know what this means or why I would dream about them. But I kind of have the feeling that I had in a ‘vision’ in 1993. This is where the 3rd Claimed His Power (narrated by the human-crow), which “woke me up” I believe and was my first meeting with him and awareness of our overlap.

Later in the vision, the obvious order/occult symbolism was all over it in one part. But I kept shrugging out of their attempted bonds on me. I feel like nothing can really hold me in that regard. My identity is just way too vast for any group of people in any focus-reality to make claims on my energy.

Also I avoided it because it is just ridiculously left brain. You should see this book. If you want to do almost nothing but draw geometry and color it in and memorize obscure symbols and meanings, GD is for you. I know it would be like gematria for me. If I let my left brain too near all that, it’ll obsess me, and then instead of prayer and spiritual enlightenment, I’ll be spending all day doing math instead. I’m way too tempted to ‘think about’ life than live it, to allow myself to go anywhere near that kind of obsession with left-brain detail– it would completely suck me off the road of the soul where I feel I need to be.

If I had more time, I’d make my version of this energy result in the body that looks like a creative cross of sorts, just to kind of put something in the physical. Often the intangibility of this stuff is tough and I wish I could replicate some things “into my world” that I see inside. I would love to be able to see the Thelemians more till I can really remember them and then try to graphically replicate that face, that was so amazing! There’s so much stuff I wish I could do some visual example of.

I’ve been feeling like I need to ‘replicate into my outer world’ more of this energy, so maybe I should think about that. About getting back into some graphics work, enough to get fluent with it again, and then trying to at least model a few things. The thing is, you really just need to be able to draw for this stuff…. which I don’t.

*

Rereading the journal I made a note that the last time I was the closest to the four — and even the fifth!! — I wrote:

Yet spontaneously off and on for the last several days, sometimes when ‘centered with them’, I will just suddenly think: why did they die for me? As if the answer, if I knew it, would unlock something critical.

I don’t know why sometimes it seems like anything that I’m curious about is there for me and know and other times it seems like I can’t know anything. I asked the PO that flat out and he didn’t say a word.

P

When we have an issue, how come?
How did I get to the point of suffering from issue-X?

If I was an idiot in a life where for political reasons I abandoned my best friend’s army to slaughter (ref: Jared and El Nino and I’s issues, now ‘resolved’), sure I can say that overwhelming guilt–mostly HIS for his men and his trusting me that let it happen–f-’d up this life for me for sure. And that when I worked through it with him eventually I let that go.

I’ve met innumerable people who have become ‘aware’ of some ‘other’ identity-experience and feel that the energy of this life and that life combine.

(As an aside, I theorize they may combine arbitrarily, or you might say, connect based on the shared energy to begin with, as opposed to that shared energy ‘proving’ a cause/effect between them. But never mind.)

But where did the energy to make that decision in that other focus-reality come from? Was it the alleged result of some other kind of bonehead situation in some other focus?

Exactly how often does some larger-me have to be how many kinds of bonehead to work through this energy to ‘evolve’?

In short: Must we assume that every energy imperfection we discover now, means we were a bonehead in this or some other life? Is it the chicken or the egg? Where did the bonehead-energy come into us and why?

*

The sense-response is starting with a “this is also part of this” feeling comparing it to the “chaos vs. order” answer.

This is a little difficult to articulate as initially here it is a sort of geometric feel.

*

Analogy: Imagine you’re watching one of those slow-motion time-lapse videos you can find on youtube where a bullet pierces a water balloon or something blows up.

You choose some arbitrary piece of the monitor display to pay attention to, like a tiny 100 pixels square (10 each way) in the upper left corner, and closer-up, one pixel in the middle of that.

And then as this bursting mass of tiny particles is happening, you stop the video at some arbitrary point.

Whatever is IN that focus-point, at that seeming-place at that seeming-time, simply “is what it is.”

Each of those pixels is experiencing being that particular color in that particular context or combination.

It’s an ISness as Seth called it, without regard to “how it got that way.”

There is no… blame. There is not even a… cause, because there is no start or finish really, it is ever-becoming and ever-un-becoming no matter what seeming-space or seeming-time (which are combined in this model to an “X-nexus marks the spot, soulgroup” or whatever).

In the chaos/order universe model, the perceived-sequence is not a linear thing (like our video) but a cyclical thing (from one to many to one, or from order to chaos to order).

So that bonehead-energy IS something which is merely how the universe IS at that nexus. That energy is not something that one infinitesimally small ‘mote’ in the middle ’caused’ because they were a bonehead.

Rather, they experienced being a bonehead because that was the energy at that nexus of attention.

When we ‘evolve’ we do not change the energy.

We change the experience of the energy. The perception is larger or the perception ‘released’ its awareness of that energy and took up awareness of some energy other. Like a walk-in discussion I had with a friend in a letter once, we don’t change geographies (modify the space over time, like ‘evolved-energy-X’), we jump hosts (change identities or perception).

It isn’t that we ‘did’ something to ’cause’ something. It’s simply that… the definition of ‘WE’ is based on the perceived “where/when/how” being focused upon.

So we experience the energy of that nexus of focus in every possible way.

It isn’t that John becomes more enlightened. It’s that JohnA shifts to JohnB upon an increase in ‘luminous-brightness’ or understanding, until Johns A-Z are Peter, who because the energy is perceived differently in that larger conglomerate, has a different reality-experience, of Peter A-Z, and so on, infinitely.

As ‘awareness’ — which part of me feels is like the growing “luminosity” or brilliance-intensity you can see during explosion (in my head I was thinking ‘like in a firecracker’ at the same time some other part of me was modeling it ‘like a planet going nova’) — appears to increase, during so-called time and space, we become aware of a greater collection of that… experience.

Say you’re playing monopoly and the top-hat is on Illinois Avenue. It isn’t that the tophat (that little game piece) ’caused’ the experience-combination-ness of top-hat-ness and illinois-avenue-ness. It is that, when you pick a space/time ‘nexus’ out of ‘the game’, the energy of that is something like:

[ (time1 + space2) /perspectiveX ] = experienceZ

where experienceZ is “palyne”

And when our infinitely-algorithmic variable is instead perspectiveY, we call the experienceZ variable, “jared.”

Of course, at perspectiveD, “grok” or ‘fish-being-Selma’ may not have been ‘aware’ of jared or palyne. But the increase of luminosity meant that “part of holding” perspectiveX and perspectiveY, included that jared and palyne became aware of each other.

Now that they are aware of each other, those identities don’t have to just exist in that energy without self-awareness; or exist in that energy with self-awareness so now they can add ‘why is this happening to me?’ to their experience; the slightly larger combinations of awareness can say, ‘hey, this is happening to me because I was a bonehead in that other life! I did Q then, which is why I’m dealing with R right now.’ But that is just as limited a perspective.

There isn’t a “why” involved. Q didn’t cause R or vice-versa. Q and R exist at the same moment and always have and always will. The experienceZ identity is just there, existing just as much always/ever as Q and R. It just “is.”

As the identity of experienceZ “has their awareness illuminated” so to speak, the variable of “perspective” changes. It doesn’t just change from A toward Z, it also changes from A to pi to Delta to copper to 14 to … well you get the idea, to every-energy-other.

And when the full luminosity of every possible perspective variable is combined, max brightness, the ‘identity, awareness, experience-focus’ is now larger: now, it is the each of those formula elements with 1 pixel of space added from outside the illinois-avenue-ness until eventually it also encompasses that whole group of squares and then that side of the board and then the entire game board and eventually the entire game, which also includes every moment of every game, to include John and Susie playing it and their Aeons arguing about whether or not buying a house for that square and the 82.7% probability of losing as a result offers a useful lesson Susie is going to ignore anyway, and to include everyone who ever played any game in any probability, and so on.

And every possible combination of experience from beginning to end, from the smallest mote of space, of time, of perspective, and of experience, is a combined formula that just IS. Even the most gigantic. The ISness of the universe, of the idea, in that arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title, probably is some experience/identity with a name we can’t even conceptualize let alone pronounce.

*

To think that one pixel of the red color in a square on a monopoly board in a game between John and Susie one afternoon in 1973, “caused” the energy of its own experience by something it ‘did’ (while being the pixel next to it, or another version of red-pixel at that exact place on the board, or when existing during another game in 1974, or whatever), is actually… well the question can only be answered as “the question is inapplicable.”

How can there be real cause or even real effect when there is no time (which is required for there to be space and vice-versa)?

How can there be any real identity when the whole concept of identity is merely an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title so really it has no definition whatever except the arbitrary sort we invent as part of our own experience?

It is an atom in a molecule in a chemical in a paint in a red pixel in a game board in a game-experience in 1973 in Susie’s life in North America on Earth… — or it is some Larger-identity encompassing ALL this at every level, with varying ‘awareness’ of that all-ness, which itself at max-absorption is merely a mote in a whole ‘nuther identity…

The Evolution of Cosmic Identities of Illinois Avenue

So there is no blame. There is no cause. There is only experience.

Because there is no time. There is only life.

Which, humorously, I just realized is one of the quotes in the movie “The 5th Element” which I believe to be Director Luc Besson’s creative modeling of his own “the Four” (2nd and 3rd in focus, with the soldier and woman).

Does Luc bore others silly by thinking-on-blog about chaos/order in the universe? Probably not. When I am instead perspectiveY, I won’t be “this-I” anymore of course, but at least I’ll be making movies instead…

P

This is a good thing but difficult to do right: if I think about something and relax, and ask myself about it, I often get some internal response. But when I’m writing it out, it sparks other ideas/questions. But then it’s like the course of that river changes and then I’m getting info about that. Like it’s a fractal and every time I turn my attention it follows me. Then I realize that I’ve wandered all over the map and could probably keep doing so for days but I kind of abandoned every topic shortly after getting to it because I wandered onto a side road. So I try to go back to an earlier point and that ‘rolls out’ a bit but then I end up having ‘inserted’ 8 paragraphs between two that previously were connected and made more sense that way.

I think the problem is I can only communicate in 2D here, in space and time, and I can see it really needs to be 3D at least, where there are ‘threads and branches and offshoots and layers” that go in all directions as I go along, without interrupting the flow of what is on the surface or middle. Even when I’m ‘open to intuition’, I get “nested-furled” stuff literally 2-5 “layers deep” like a sub-thought within a sub-thought within a sub-thought.

I used to sometimes get what I called “intuitive writing.” This isn’t it. This is fully conscious, probably just my subconscious (although maybe our subconscious IS our Aeons composing us, just like everything else is). Back then, it was a strong ‘in the spirit’ feeling difficult to explain, but very much an ‘energy channeling’ feeling. I had the same problem then but far worse. I was listening to myself write or talk and it would spark questions/ideas and so the info would shift to follow that lead, but it would shift pretty completely, even more strongly than it does now. And in the end, I’d have what I later thought might be an interesting essay… if I had an editor with a heavy red pen… but it wasn’t very cohesive due to the wandering.

You know, I wonder if I could write a fiction story (or even nonfiction of some of that cosmic stuff), with the Aeons/PO doing a large % of the energy involved in the writing. I wonder if they are already involved in any writing I do. Not too much or it would be better I imagine!

Fiction Writing

I have one novel and one nonfiction I want to finish, and one ‘light little’ novel I did finish the first most-rough draft on. I sent it to a few friends who had wonderfully helpful comments, and I upgraded it in several places. As part of that, I sent it to Eva, who had great comments and a total rewrite on the beginning, that was so good I was completely pissed at her for two months over it, I mean in a funny way, and I still haven’t gotten back to it. I was then in the position of having too much info, that I couldn’t use as advice/guidance because it would just be “book X, by Palyne, as completely revised by Eva” instead, but unfortunately I couldn’t stay with what I had either at that point, because then I totally hated it next to what she had that I thought was so much better.

So I said thank you and went my merry way into cognitive dissonance and ego grouch mode, and have been ignoring it for a very long time now. Humorously — or not — while I am ignoring stuff that I began writing sometimes as long as nearly 20 years ago, I sometimes notice that fiction books are actually publishing with some of my ideas that seemed novel to me, making me feel like if I ever get to bothering to try and publish anything, it will look like I’m copying other people. Like ideas spread all over, the way inventions do, and you publish what you get promptly or someone else does.

Still, I miss writing terribly, even if my editorially-inclined friends do write my books better than I do. I feel like some part of me is ‘fed’ by writing — fiction in particular — in a way that regular work certainly never does. Writing (and music) are pretty much the only things I can imagine giving up a ‘responsible job’ for, if they had a chance at feeding me.

Starting Thoughts: Pick a Topic, Think In Type, Let Intuition Adds Its 2 Cents

I should just come up with one ‘starting thought’ for each day and see where it takes me, a question, no matter what it is. Volunteer one if you’re reading this! Maybe next time I feel intuitively inclined I will have a collection in fact, to grab one that moves me and see what happens. Worst that can happen is you get some bad rambling from a wannabe-something-more-evolved, which is no different than most of what passes for spiritual insight on the internet anyway…

Starting thought for the day:

“If everything is holographic, then can we find the energy of Exxon Valdez and the Iraq War in our bodies, too?”

And in our daily life I guess. Events, objects, whatever. Of course, good things too, like flowers and altruism.

If we were able to deal with such energies, would ‘awareness’ of issues like environment and war move away from us, a nearly-parallel reality?

Would greater awareness/focus on such things indicate more of an energy of that within us? I mean if reality’s a projected holographic pattern…

How is energy distributed?

I once had this dream about the Order and in the dream — which it turned out matched some AA symbolism but not the order itself, go figure — I could feel it as if the entire thing, from inception to lodges to people to the grander plan of it, everything — was literally in my body. I think I said in Bewilderness about that dream that it felt like I could find the energy of a given group/lodge in my arm or something, like literally my body was composed of it.

It makes me wonder if a real ‘rapport’ with any energy –the energy of your veggie garden, the energy of ‘volunteer work’, whatever, just like an archetype — could be felt all through your body. Maybe it always IS ‘all through’ your body because it is all through everything.

Like that med I had where the “pattern” of the problem was distributed throughout ‘everything’ including me–like a thick (not fine) random ‘noise’ in a graphic image that was ‘in’ everything in the picture. Well maybe the ‘pattern’ of any given energy is actually like that, it’s just that sometimes there are ‘concentrations’ of it for some reason and usually when we’re working on stuff we focus on the ‘collected concentrations’ of that energy. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t actually (also) distributed.

Now that I think about it…. If the elements and the numbers and the geometries are… are everywhere and compose everything, then… then there is no way for energies NOT to be distributed, right. Although I feel like any random/chaos pattern they could “clump” certain energy, like the way mandelbrot fractals do colors.

Chaos and Order

Actually maybe that is the difference between chaos and randomization when you get right down to it: chaos has no rules and so could be completely uneven and unbalanced, but randomization means eventually, with a big enough sample, everything “balances out.” I wonder if it’s going one direction or the other. Is entropy chaos? Maybe we’re going toward that.

I asked inside me just now, “Is the universe (‘all of them/everything’) fundamentally chaos or order?” and got:
(a) it is everything-that-is, so the question is not applicable,
but to answer the question I didn’t ask but really meant,
(b) it’s a cycle from order (I sensed rather like ‘an idea’) to chaos (I sensed like ‘an explosion’) back to order (like ‘all the motes exploded gradually find their own place in the pattern of the larger idea and so gradually become more cohesive and organized’). Except the whole concept of ‘is’ and ‘gradually’ were as much the same thing as the chaos and the order were, as if both were… perceptual and not real, or … something. Oh, and “times infinity” for all that.

Sin

Wow another thing was just pointed out to me. Remember in ‘the center is the sun’ when I’d been begging the Four to help me understand a bunch of writings on religious origins, and I got it all as actually being cosmology that took me days to sort out in my head-body-writing for a blog post? Well, ‘sin’ in that model actually meant an ‘orbit’ that did or would (these being the same thing, in a larger-picture where all time is one) actually cause it to come into collision with something else.

So think about it, if orbits are awry then you have stuff crashing into each other and bouncing all over, you have chaos and unbalance. But if stars are ‘without sin’ then it means they co-exist neatly in a sort of solar system where they each have their own ideal path. I guess that describes “chemistry” as well as “astronomy.”

Come to think of it, the comments on “divine will” and how if one pursues this, that this is the path to life/success etc. would make sense in that model too, since anything except one’s ideal path would be a variation off the path… would be, in that cosmology model, sin. Huh.

I think having grown up where “God’s Will” meant ‘do what the preacher and the book says you must’ makes me want to give god the finger, but it’s a very different feeling when ‘divine will’ actually means ‘finding the energy most true to the love of your most innate self and most perfect for the destiny of your own development on every level’. Religion sucks.

Back to the thing about all energy being distributed through everything including ‘us’:

When you think about it from the perspective of numbers, there is no such thing as any number alone. There are primes, true. But even primes compose other things. And it doesn’t go from 0 to big but even below 0 and — I see, inside me, the universe of numbers is a circle gradient that pretty much has no place for start/finish. Wait, that’s a torus in math, right — that’s the symbol the Queen said is her shape (her symbol, with the Eagle and ‘gold’). But the perspective of geometry would say the same thing as numbers I suspect. Oh wait. A torus IS geometry. Geez I’m dense…

So, I think that thought for the day leads to “yes.” Everything that is ‘in’ the reality we ‘are affected by’ especially, probably even what we ‘notice’ but moreso what affects us, is in our body.

Yes I know that… well that I got the concept of reality reflecting us back in ’93 or ’94 when I read my first Seth book, but somehow all this time later it’s like I just keep getting new angles of realizing and accepting this.

So where is that energy hiding in us?

So if I just sat down and asked myself any random thing, like, “where in my body is the energy of… the death of princess Di?” (My body actually mildly- sparked in several different places following that), that it would be there. If I were to meditate on that energy and resolve it (I find it very sad and disturbing), would I forget about that event, even if those around me still had it ‘more present’ in their reality? Would I not forget but have no more of the emotion related to it?

And would this imply that in periods when I feel emotionally involved in everything I perceive (news kills me), it’s maybe because I am “more sensitive” to some awareness of that same energy “in me” (body/reality)?

My friend LD was telling me that an old post on Kate’s (Cobalt Sigil) blog was talking about how listening to music was really impactive and he was talking about being the same way, that depressive music really DID make him depressed. Well this sounds like a given but I wonder if this has a deeper/broader implication, like that some people have a greater “response” to energy perceived outside them ‘from the inside of them’.

That makes me wonder, do some people spend most of their life with digestive trouble and others spend most of their life frustrated with injustice against women and maybe… it’s the same thing? I mean maybe in both cases it’s an energy that is a little bit of everywhere in their reality but they are mostly ‘aware’ of it in manifestation-form-X, and maybe if that energy is the same energy as ‘constant reminders’ that they have no idea are actually based on that same energy, they are constantly getting sparked by it? Like rubbing salt in a wound, so to speak.

I have an issue with mother-energy as mine died young so if I watch a movie where someone’s mom dies it tears me up. Well I’m able to SEE the obvious relationship between that energy in the movie situation and that energy in my life. But what if we can’t always see it consciously? What if some basic of life or news, is triggering greater-awareness-of something that experientially makes us feel more/continued pain, frustration, sadness, etc?

And if every energy is present in me, what else does it affect? There is no way to group light, geometry, number, anything, toss it all together and mix it up, and not expect everything to affect nearly everything else, directly or indirectly. If I resolved that energy (of Di’s death and my reaction), would totally obscure/ unexpected things in my reality ‘clear up’ and be forgotten as a side effect, if that energy is actually “distributed through” my body/psyche/reality?

Are people who live for the news really people who need to deal with lots of energies but as they do no inner or emotional work, the only way their body can get any motion in those energies is to focus them toward that?

Back Doors

Makes me think: I wonder if one way to try and work on something that is a gigantic problem for oneself, is actually to ask for a greater awareness of something ELSE which is manifesting based on the SAME energy, but which we don’t have quite as big a problem with — and so perhaps less resistance to consciously, less emotional reaction. Maybe we could actually have a better ‘inroad’ to it, to solving it, if we came through a different doorway.

Wow I just had this memory… the Aeons have my memory bank apparently! how weird is that!… I remembered this meditation I did in early 1995. At that time I had been very serious about archmeds and even just “inner meds” without that format for some time and they were pretty hairy sometimes. I used to go through my body looking for blocks and just go through ‘self’ looking for ‘things I’m avoiding’ and meditate on that. The blocks idea I got from my biogram studies as we’d go through the body looking for “stored energy” using biofeedback tools.

Well I was working on ‘things that are blocked or that I’m avoiding’ for awhile and gradually I started ‘feeling’ this one thing, something significant. It took awhile before I consciously became aware that ‘growing’ awareness of it had been happening for quite some time. It was really big! I really had an issue. So I was at friends’ house in Portland then and they were away for a few days and I sat down to meditate on it.

I couldn’t touch it. The minute I focused toward it, it literally felt like it slipped aside or my mind moved away. Not like when I pass out or get switched off. Literally like an ‘evasion’ sort of problem. Back then I had a lot more will/discipline than I do now and I was determined.

(Which reminds me. I got that formerly-winged-guy to integrate with after saying I wanted more of all that part of me back. But I feel as if he is still only about in the 20′s for %. I felt as if it were growing beyond that and some of my life behaviors caused a pause of sorts. Oops. I know I must be getting superstitious. Anyway…)

Aside from restroom and occasionally food and sleep, I basically spent 3 solid days meditating on this. I mean like about 12++ hours a day. It was GRUELING. There is no other word for it.

And then on the 3rd day or so, I forget, I finally “understood” what I needed to do. I could not approach it directly. Who knows why but I couldn’t. And I had this whole model of the “Medusa” myth. And I made myself a giant shield, lightweight but super reflective, and I BACKED INTO IT while looking at the reflection of the ‘thing’ — just a ‘concept’ but it looked like a wall, literally — and it worked!!

The wall was a thought-form energy ‘block’, which as part of its nature literally forced my mind to ‘slide off’ it. That much I know is true. The rest (and the side effects of this med) is weird so I’ll leave it out.

Anyway, I had a long conversation with the wall/block and realizing I couldn’t get through it… I sort of bribed it. Ha! Which I hear inside me, was my innate understanding even then (and I forgot!! for decades!!) the “you cannot change other entities, but you can seduce them into wanting to change themselves,” that I got some time ago just before my 8 of Disks/Prudence meditation.

I talked to it like an identity and I visualized and really “emotionalized” how I appreciated what a FINE wall it was and how good it was doing its job, and I told it how I had a way totally better job for it that was more expanded and evolved and better deserving of its fabulous talents. At the time in my inner space I had a big house that was like a star wars bar, I had so much energy going on consistently that really, I could tell you… nobody would believe me. Anyway, I told him that he could be the DOOR to this house, and then, not only could he use his fabulous ‘wall’ talent, but he could ALSO be a door to let things IN, and I imagined it as huge and red and ornate, I really ‘sold it’ as this great evolution beyond what he had, and I would place him there and welcome him and so on “if only” he would agree to abandon his wall job so I could see what was behind it.

He agreed. I named him Dor and he functioned as the door — and years later, as a guide — for some time. He (later) asked me to create a physical form he could anchor in, in my world, something natural and solid, and I had a cool necklace created by Kristen for that, with carnelian and a couple other red stones — he wanted a red door, but he was ok with the red stones. I wore it as a necklace all the time.

A couple years after that, I had a sort of cycle-upgrade in my relationship with the Four, and one morning, they “observed” this on me, realized “him,” and they made me take it off. I mean it was like my arm took it off me, and put it on the nightstand, like I was only peripherally involved. I understood that this was no longer acceptable. No emotion, not bad or good, just “this will not be.” So that was that.

I can’t remember what I did with the necklace but I’m thinking someone probably doesn’t realize they are wearing an entity and perhaps I should have been a little more responsible with that. At the time (in ’95) I thought that I was really cool because I had subverted that wall into my own good, but now I see that if it was (as I believe) created by certain entities, then the Four were right, it just wasn’t appropriate.

As an aside, I won that battle but lost the war. Dor moved for me, I got to what he was hiding, childhood stuff and more that was sticky-grey-brown (that means actually suppressed/avoided stuff in my symbols), and I cleaned everything off, but got suddenly unusually sleepy (that is common with me now but was not so much in that era), and I was going to knock it off and take a nap and go back to it later to get more info/detail/work. But I laid down on blankets on the floor (middle of day here) and literally, AS my head hit the pillow I fell “through” my body (100% awake here) and out the bottom, and found myself in OBE searching for someone, clearly a post-hypnotic command… leaving out detail, it was re-blocked. I could feel this very clearly, that it was not only reblocked but in a way that I was not getting back into, so-there. So at that point, especially after how hard the first effort had been!, I just didn’t bother.

It occurs to me, how many people do I know who would spend nearly every waking minute of 3 days just trying to get through something in their head? I was crazier and more determined then, than I am now, I think.

Um I got off track with my rambling.

OK back to “can we better address major problems, by finding other things that are smaller issues in our reality, but spawned by the same energy, and dealing with those instead, or as a doorway, or first?”

I think that memory was saying “yes,” you can deal with something through its “reflection” if you cannot approach it directly … that makes some sense.

So I guess the next question is, how do we know what ‘other areas of manifestation’ in our reality, source from the same energy as our giant-problem-X we have trouble resolving directly? I think maybe we don’t know but we’d just have to ask for this to ‘come forward in our reality experience/awareness’ and then see what we get. And try not to assume something can’t be related because it’s completely different.

Forest for the Trees

“Put it in front of me so I can’t miss it,” I tell the insiders. “Some lesser-problem that represents energy I have a serious issue with elsewhere, that I might better use some other facet/version of the same energy to work on.”

Not much later, this fellow I work with had a total palyne’s-a-meanie reaction to something that IMO was not remotely mean nor embarrassing in front of others, which of course being him, had to end up in multiple emails and cc’s his manager so then it’s a drama too. The funny part of this is, although it hasn’t happened in a long time, I lose count of how many times it has. We can barely discuss the weather in passing without fighting about it. If we have to stick with something, it ends up working out ok, even very good. And I actually think he’s great — he’s very smart, hard worker, high volume worker, I consider him an equal and probably one of the best his team has got. Well, it’s a mother-energy-reaction he has IMO and damn can I attract “people esp. men with mother issues” or what — it’s been one of the biggest banes of my life now and then — but anyway, no big deal I tell myself.

The only thing annoying, I thought, is I would be praying on my break here, asking again repeatedly for insight into some energy that’s a real big problem for me through another doorway, except this obnoxious issue is taking up my time…

Later, I’m off work finally, and in between I have prayed again. “Throw it at me!” I tell them. “I mean, don’t HURT me [I have a chronic fear that to an Aeon, losing a limb might just seem 'super educational' or something], but make it so it’s something that I just can’t miss!”

I went to print my van insurance but the printer wouldn’t work even though it has black toner and I’m trying to print black and white, it wants magenta it’s out of, wtf. I try to get to the printer but the back room is such a disaster with all the crap Ry has stuck in there and C that I literally cannot get to it. I try to install the driver on my work PC and it can’t find the wireless printer. I try to have Ry scan it as she can get to it, but her scanner and printer can’t find each other despite she uses this regularly. I try to get her to bring the printer/scanner to the living room so I can muck about with it, but she can’t get far enough back to its location to grab it so it’s stuck back there. So I have to ask dad to scan this electronic debit form for me and he comes over and gets it and scans it and emails it to me, and emails me my signature as an image. Yay, finally I can add the sig to these forms and send them back! But wait, I can’t open photoshop, it just keeps crashing when loading for some reason. Everything on the computer is crazy slow and I’m in a HURRY because I wanted to get it to her before 4:30 in the hopes maybe we could insure it today since it’s sitting in my driveway… so I’m really frustrated. Finally I close down everything on the computer but then it cannot close and is taking forever (while I’m trying to get it to finish so I can get to the restroom) as several things I have to end-task on them. Then just as I think I’m done and I can walk away, I get a blue screen error for a memory read error at 0×000000000 and end up having to just force a hard boot.

As it is finally rebooting, I stomp off to the bathroom and kitchen, thinking grouchily, that I’d be spending more time praying about getting some kind of sign from the aeonic about these energies if only the universe wasn’t totally conspiring against me with electronics.

P   ← Waiting for a sign…

Senior’s world in tarot is Wands, so Knight of Wands was apparently the worst 6-month meditation of all time because it was his energy in his world, no less.

This weekend I wasn’t doing much constructive physically so now and then I did blog stuff. And in looking at tarot stuff I thought to myself, “Well on the bright side, I’m working through it. I mean, I did the Princess of Wands meditation and –”

Wait a minute …

I did the Disks all the way up to the Princess. And I did the Wands from Knight down to Prince.

Guess what the next card up was? The card actually sitting out for months and months now?  I had taken  out both Princess cards and did the Disks. And then…

I quit meditating regularly ENTIRELY.

No denial here right? I mean I literally quit meditating for godssakes! And I’ve blamed it on timing and working and maybe it’s because I made a commitment to IG and maybe (insert 3 other options here), though I can see that somehow I am creating that reality that takes me out of it for some reason.

Just as an incredible coincidence,  Princess of Wands would be, in theory, the big “crux” card of that issue. And when that was “next-up” I just happened to never get around to another tarot meditation (and almost none at all, maybe because if I were doing them I’d be grabbing the waiting card before long) again.

I’m reminded of Seth saying (and my Aeons have also said this) that all our seemingly unconscious beliefs are actually conscious and apparent. It’s just being ‘able’ to see them (mostly, ‘willing’).

I thought, “Oh, I’ve found it again. Well as soon as I feel up to it, I’ll meditate on that.” And felt much resistance. So apparently even after all these months the energy’s still tough. That ought to be a fun one.

P

It occurs to me that this (talking to base chakra) was worked in as ‘normal’ a state of mind and effort as say, the Private Oracle that Seth referred people to. Who so surprisingly was just right-there the instant I was even halfway through asking IG about him, and actually communicates, although “I” seem to go in and out of allowing it at all, let alone having filters on content (mostly on ‘degree of novelty’).

The prior meditation on the energy in the ‘mercenary’ dream, which I am still upset about for a few reasons (and don’t even get me started on the weird ‘version’ of me and the 3rd there calling themselves Aeons, I’m not ready to deal with that yet at all) was only in light to light-medium alpha.

Now I’m kind of wondering if a lot of the stuff that I do or need to do, maybe doesn’t require nearly the altered state and ‘internal framework’ I have kind of assumed.

I mean I know that my Aeons (and the Four and IG) can have ordinary communication with me in daily life, as I am acting or thinking, that’s no big deal. It’s an intuitive sort that ranges from shapes to concept-feel to nearly-words. Maybe it’s that I consider them part of me, and chakras are, in part at least, also part of me.

I suddenly wonder if my issues with doing some of the meditations out of altered state is not at all about the state of mind we need to be in to do something, but rather, is about my own insecurity, my own left-brain self-invalidation fear of “making it all up.” I feel like this wondering is ‘sponsored’ by the Aeons.

There have been times that remote viewing sessions where I really had rapport with a target or its archetype have continued after feedback, which I found baffling and confusing initially — I almost had this, “but I got Feedback — that’s like saying Amen! I’m done! How can this keep on?!” — until I realized that targets of a certain… density of awareness, if you actually make “rapport,” the session is a mutual thing. Well at least for me. This feeling reminds me of that, how I felt at first, like, “But how can this BE?!” Like it wasn’t even ‘possible’, I’d thought.

I don’t view out of the double-blind (though I am open to “non-specific target-context” info but for me preferably not until I’ve done some session already), but one reason is because I don’t want to feel like I’m making it all up. I want to get the impressions so-called naturally, and see how that works out. Otherwise I feel like my brain is biased from the start.

Maybe the altered state requirement is not a requirement, but a crutch that I have insisted upon as some kind of excuse, fearing analytical overlay even in meditations. This kind of interference in meditation, some part of me is suggesting, is actually allowable and “dealt with” flexibly within the experience by the self and IG and the imaginal world itself, and is not the scary disaster it is for RV.

Maybe the altered state is just allowing myself to accept it, breaking down the conscious critical mind barrier a little.

Maybe it is also a bit of a creating a ‘separate’ world that makes it ok, much like RV methods do for some people who think (as I did) they have ‘no idea’ how to get the information otherwise, even though really you can just ask, and then ask for details, and probably if we were open-minded enough (left-brain people find that harder than ‘woo woo’ psychics) perhaps we’d just get info for the asking, but making a whole paint by number plan for it is different.

Or it’s a psychology allowance, like someone else says this is the way, other people do it this way, there’s a recipe and instructions, so it’s ok to allow oneself as long as it’s in those boundaries.

Expecting things to be the same not different in space — indonesian pottery stalls next to an old west bake sale table aren’t appropriate — or the same not different in time — sci-fi cars mixed in mostly present-time environ, day turns to night then day then night with each shift, old west leads to modern leads to pre-electric leads to a ‘magical’ (fantasy-book-era) reality, 1920′s barbershop music in an 1800s old West street… if all those things mix up together, where is the definition if this happens?

Is there really no definition in the inner world, it’s anything your mind can wrap around, and that’s ok?

Aeons: Why shouldn’t it be ok?

Me: It just… alright, I see my logical mind and my emotions aren’t on the same page here.

Aeons: It is part of your need to feel in control, although this is not unexpected. Your conscious mind does expect things to be coherent and consistent by its standards. But you have a lot of extra resistance beyond that.

Me: Once when doing a lot of conscious Delta-state work, I started being aware of alternate realities and “switching timelines.” I could see parts of reality I think you’re only supposed to see when dreaming but on that level are real. Once I “woke up” in a dream and it was reality! I nearly lost my mind. It almost BROKE me! I am not going there again!

Aeons: You fear allowing a wider range of experience will make you crazy?

Me: Well — yes! If it’s not even a ritual, if it’s not even an altered state, and then my-reality is mixed up with it, and then all the elements of existence are totally mixed up in it, then what if the rest of my reality blends into that? How are they separate then? How the hell do I know what’s what? If I’m standing in Wal-Mart looking at solar entities in the people in the meat aisle, that doesn’t seem a little whacked out to you?!

Aeons: No. You fear this kind of experience because of your prior ‘Bewilderness’-era.

Me: Yes. When you have to ‘guess’ at “which reality’s morning” is attached to the afternoon you’re standing in, it’s gone too freaking far!

Aeons: You didn’t have us then. You didn’t have the Four then, in guidance. You didn’t have nearly 20 years of experience you have now. And you had some other things going on energetically then.

I say nothing. I feel as if I am pouting, on some level. They don’t understand.

Aeons: Has it occurred to you that your fear of going crazy is just another element of your self-invalidation? You have a great deal more stability than you give yourself credit for. This is from your larger ‘base’ of identity, your innate nature and your development. It is not from the artificial skepticism you attach to things.

Me: Artificial skepticism? Are you calling me a scoffer?

Aeons: Yes. Do you not separate yourself by mocking your experience and all involved, even when you know it is valid?

Me: {silent because I can’t think of a single good argument against this insult. Since it’s probably true.}

For some reason I am reminded of Sun telling me that ‘the sword is love, not anger’ and that seeming to accomplish things with will-impelled by anger was accomplishing them ‘despite’ that, not because of it. I’m not sure how this relates but it seems like it does.

Me: So really, you’re just saying I should let anything I can perceive be ok with me. No matter how crazy mixed up it is.

I don’t get a response, but part of me is conveying, but not in words, something to the effect of… the range is so vast and even what my brain is familiar with is just such a ridiculously tiny percentage of what’s possible, I mean what could be possible for me with some work, that putting this level of surprise on something ‘so trivial’ like what era a song or car comes from, seems … preposterous.

There is an overlay-reminder on how I felt during ‘bewilderness’ after ‘merging’ – which felt like “my concept of sex is their concept of a physics” and at various levels started happening with everything, sleeping and waking, intentionally and not — the number 4 once, shapes, things with no gender or both, archetypes that were abstract symbols and structures. After that, thinking about our culture’s feelings about homosexuality actually made me laugh out loud. Anything about ‘humans having sex with each other’ being odd was hilarious and stupid to even consider at that point. It was like thinking that any position besides missionary is bizarre and shocking and not even sex. I mean the teeny tiny little brainspace required to hold these kinds of filters seemed incomprehensible to me. The inner world made ‘omnisexual’ (a word I thought I invented in 1995, but apparently not) a reality.

So I guess I do already have the models to support the… expansion of this mental model about things. I guess I’ve had this paradigm (and I doubt it’s quite as easy to totally let go of as it sounds), that… well that the inner world is at least as “internally consistent” as say, a movie. It can be ‘anything’ even weird or abstract but it’s “internally consistent” based on time, space, geography, and so on.

I’m thinking of when IG introduced me to that entity and he took me to a city park and I was thinking how you don’t expect weird little entities to take you to Chicago or something, but now I think that is an example of that same paradigm. Like the ‘beings’ are expected to ‘match’ what I know for a given ‘reality’ just like nations and locations and times are.

If he’d taken me to some middle-earth realm, would I have been surprised? No, I don’t think so. But I’d never seen a creature of his type. So why assign it to middle-earth? Why not to a sci-fi future? Why not to Niven’s Ringworld or some other fantasy/science fiction environ, while I’m attributing everything to book-worlds? What is it that makes anything ok in a forest clearing?

I’m having all these memories of little pieces of decades of meditations and seeing how much of them had elements I ‘resisted’ even though now I see those elements were incredibly minor but some part of my brain perceived it as ‘out of line’. It seems almost amazing that I managed to get through even what I did, considering that.

I have this idea that feels “shocking inside me” that maybe a huge amount of my inability to perceive things, to keep awake, and more has actually been related to such substantial resistance to everything beyond a tiny allowed box of experience. That there was info there, but I clicked off because I couldn’t let myself see it, I ignored it because it wasn’t appropriate to me, and if it was right there and I was already perceiving it consciously, I “insulated” myself against it by removing any streams of info about it I could. Like seeing a guide and watching their lips move but not being able to hear them.

I also feel that there is a decent chunk of this (clicking off or away, not perceiving things) that is ‘foreign energy’ and normal in this work, I mean that this part doesn’t change as it really IS legit. But that I’ve had a huge % more of this than is required, due to my having such blocks against even the ‘local energy’ stuff.

*

I’m starting to feel like I have made my ‘inner world’ not just into an inner world but into an inner ‘ritual’.

And maybe it helps to do it that way, and I certainly had to in my early days. But apparently it’s not required now. Fun (“–and useful for ‘taking it seriously’ in your case,” says a voice inside me, “as validation of the experience is important.”) but maybe it’s not required.

Did I accidentally make a shamanic practice into a religion?

Filled with a world of thou-shalt-nots and this-is-doctrine that I didn’t even realize? A lot of rules about “the way things had to be” and “what I was allowed,” that I didn’t consciously even recognize I was doing to myself?

P

I hadn’t asked IG for help and wasn’t in any archetype framework. I just thought I’d ask. Why it seemed like this was just fine and didn’t require some symbolic ritual inside but was only slightly more focus effort than ordinary daily conversation I don’t know.

*

Later, I wondered if this is a psychological side-effect of last night’s meditation. The ‘chaos of time-blend’ in it, and having ME–not an archetype but me–”change into something” during it, both actually disturbed me a lot, they were something I’ve never had before in 20 years of this that I recall anyway. I would have talked about this in that post but it actually bothered me so much I wanted to quit writing about the entire topic and do something else.

On some level it feels like a really good thing like I have released some artificial group of barriers-filters and ‘allowed’ (oh good, so praying fiercely to ‘allow myself vulnerability’ for a bit has helped??), but on another level it feels like some part of me just lost the comfort with the ‘boundaries’ of a meditation format and in doing so, maybe lost the sense of definition of boundaries of meditation at all, if that makes sense.

Rather like when in the 90s I lost my definition of myself as a single identity and the one I thought I knew, as a side effect I lost my definition of all identity to some degree or of myself fitting in any one of them.

It’s like you never realize how much of your concept of reality is based not on “the reality box” you live in but on the clear delineation of everything ‘outside‘ that box. When you remove the box, even in part, it completely messes up the clear category for what is ‘outside’ it. That part, being vastly larger than what is ‘inside’ it, is as much or more impactive than the first part.

*

I was not very socially graceful, I realized. I don’t know why I have a more difficult time conceptualizing this chakra as an identity than the others. Yesterday, having some quality time and working to give the energy to the chakras up through the body, focusing a lot on this chakra, even then I had a difficult time thinking of it that way, even though I actually sometimes do think toward it (talking to it) during that kind of effort, still, I didn’t know how to ‘relate’ to it as ‘an identity’ especially during that little interlude, though I tried.

I was sadly thinking I didn’t know what else to do or say and should just move on and maybe do an Aeon round, when I realized I’d actually just been ‘given’ something I had heard but not heard, seen but not seen, ignored in other words, and was turning away from. I stopped and ‘opened up to it’.

I got a “______ ____” sense, and then “2nd word: __ __” sense (but these were perceptions more like ‘a block of space and time’ than underlines), and understood it was a name/label.

I ‘allowed’ and ‘focused’ and we went through a few variations on sound and shape that ended with “Turi” sounding like TOO-ree but with a slightly softer first vowel and a slightly rolled R.

I could feel the “meter” of the first word and of both together like in poetry, even though I didn’t know the first part. I was amazed that the second part had worked out this well–given my problems with names (which I see not as literal but as ‘energy that fits that energy + my relationship with it’ but does ‘matter’). So I asked for help in working out the first 3-syllable part.

What initially came to me was the sound ‘chenuhwah’ (similar to a sound I know from a name) which then morphed around and I looked for various alternatives to each part, saying it aloud, feeling the letters and the sound at once, working on what felt more correct to it, until we had Konewa, which was koh-nay-wah (I felt emphasis on first syllable if said alone, not at all if used with the second word). Although the e in the middle was a hard A sound, and that felt right, the letter itself as an E felt wrong, but none of the other vowels I offered it fit the energy at all, so we just had to go with that.

Two words seemed to matter. That they were 3 and then 2 syllables seem to matter. That “all” the vowel sounds ah eh ee oh oo (like the spanish vowels) were all present, seemed to matter. Also that when said together it really was ‘one’ name-sound as if it all strung together in speaking with no separation, seemed to matter. Everything about it ‘mattered’.

I had the impression (this could be wrong) that this was one name of one chakra and yet that it was in two parts because it represented a duality, with the 2nd part being the receptive or feminine element. I hope I didn’t mess that up, it was a subtlety.

I said it out loud several times, to ‘feel’ if he/she/they/it would ‘respond’ to that, felt ok with it, and I felt as if there was an answering recognition in that part of my energy body in a way, as if they did.

Boy we really need gender words that cover “both” and “neither” in our language.

I thanked it and ended that effort so I could write this down before I forget it.

I didn’t think to ask, during that, why this one has a name that fits into my language while clearly, ACKRCK and BUSM (of the forehead or ajna chakra) clearly don’t.

(For some reason I had the realization that the name “Maat” is like the name “Taan”: that actually this is a “deeper, thicker flat-A sound”, a dimensional depth, represented by a double vowel in English at least because it is the only way to do so in our 2D writing, but it is not supposed to stretch out in space/time/sound, it’s supposed to be deeper on the one.)

It occurs to me that this worked in as ‘normal’ a state of mind and effort…

I am removing the second half of this post to its own separate entry as it’s another topic.

P

PS A note on the names of things. You know, it’s a problem. What matters generally is the ‘sound’ which feels like a ‘geometry’ somehow. But English totally sucks for this stuff apparently. Because even when the sound is clearly correct, the shape and sometimes even the energy of that letter just does not feel right. And then, worse, there is our culture and other languages. So if you wrote koh-nay-wah-too’-ree (“approximately”) in Sanscrit, or in Hebrew, it would seem quite different. But when you write it in English letters, I see that visually and I think, “What is that, something native american?” (There’s also a degree of what is ‘cool’ versus ‘dorky’ looking and sounding, oddly.) I mean, we have baggage attached to so much in our language it’s amazing we can communicate without brainwashing each other from birth. Actually… maybe we do, come to think of it. Maybe language is a big part of the construct of shared-reality.

I breathe a few times to calm myself. I pray briefly, I talk to IG briefly, I imagine the 3rd and then the Four in my upper chest unchakra and I breathe with them awhile. I imagine pulling in all my Aeons in a rapid line and breathing them all in together from within me. Then I tell IG I’m ready. I sit with my eyes closed, waiting.

Nothing happens. I wonder if maybe she is working hard on it and my lack of novelty is not giving her much to work with. I go through my memory to emphasize everything remotely novel or interesting I have done the last couple days of which there was not much. There is not a lot to build out of me when my life is so boring I suppose! But something seems to have worked out.

IG shows me something like a large child’s wagon, it looks like a stagecoach but it’s only about 2 feet off the ground and it’s half-sized. Then it attaches to a mule in front of it that will pull it. I try not to laugh. It is what it is. She nods to me and I get in.

I close my eyes in the ride to help ‘allow’ us getting somewhere. I open my eyes and we are moving along the dirt road of an old west town. But it’s crazy, like mardi gras done old west style, with firecrackers and gunshots and people laughing and music in various places and chaos all over the street and the rather wide dirt road, with a few wagons and horses here and there.

I notice barbershop quartet music somewhere, and I think, that is a rather different time period, is it not?? But then I’m distracted by a sudden seemingly profound thought: in addition to never having ‘modern world’ symbols in these,  do you notice how they all ‘hold together with your expectations’? Like this is the old West, so you don’t see something from China in it for example.

As I’m thinking this — or an Aeon is thinking this for me maybe — the mule pulls me past some store fronts and some bake-sale-looking carts on wooden porches and then I realize we have just passed a tiny stall selling what has got to be like, indonesian pottery or something. OK that was clearly, completely out of place. I guess it doesn’t have to, I just expect it to, I thought with interest.

I get out of the wagon, and I thank the mule and ‘merge’ with him and merge with the wagon. No real sense of it.

I walk down the side of the dirt road while people party. I ask for the 3rd to join me and he does and I hold his hand as we’re going. I don’t know where we are going, then I sense it — at the end of the street and then way more down past an area where there was really nothing, was something like a small mine. We were going there.

I resisted. I’m making this up, I thought. I knew, I could feel it, even before it became clear.

Accept this, says the 3rd, so I do.

We go into the mine and I realize everyone (workers) is gone because they’re all in town partying. We get into this bucket with wheels on a track which morphs to seat us, me in front of him, and it begins moving. I close my eyes to better allow the sense of ‘travel’ and ‘acceptance of arrival’. We ‘drop down’ several times and then I look and we take a V fork, one dropping very low and turning and then there was total darkness and it wanted to pitch us forward, like I would fall on my face in the dirt.

My logical mind knew the car would fall on me via its own momentum in that case and I resisted it, leaping off the side to stand. Right there, the track had dead ended into this small cave like area we were in, which I could now see in as if there were light.

It was like a slow pause on everything. I felt as if the “being thrown forward, on my hands, with my face at the ground,” was something that was ‘supposed’ to happen, needed to. I needed to move forcefully to that position, for some reason.

So, shrugging, I put myself back in time to that moment and let it throw me, and hit the ground as I heard the cart turn and crash to the other side.

I see why I had to do that then, because there is this tiny gleam of gold under the dirt by my hand. I brush some dirt away and reveal more gold. This is a really big nugget I figure, and I dig a little more as it seems I was supposed to find it. Then I realize it’s a BIG thing made out of gold. I can feel it.

I’m reminded of the ‘In the Depths’ meditation where me and the four unburied from underground which was also underwater, this truly gigantic statue of the 4, gold eastern buddhas sitting back to back in a square, with something in each hand, jewels, and pointed things on their heads, and 3 round ‘layers’ above them, each larger, which were above their heads.

I resisted this. It can’t be something golden underground because that has been done, I think to myself.

Accept this, says the 3rd, so I do.

It occurs to me there is no law saying something cannot have a similar symbolism. I mean… the whole concept of archetypes, really, is a repeat of symbols, forms and dynamics.

I decide I’m not going to spend eons trying to dig it out, and I back up against the wall, do a radar-sonar kind of ‘scan’, and I see that it’s a big bulky thing all right but it’s probably about 8 feet tall and about that wide.

I do a technology in my head that simply maps all the material ‘around’ it, all the way down to below it, and then I just vanish it into energy-form like sonic drilling, and the 3rd and I float down with it as the whole cave floor is now much lower.

The word “tableau” came to my mind. There was some small platform involved. I was looking at it from the left back. It was a woman with mid-length hair and a cloak, with her right arm raised and a wand in it like magic, and right next to her was a lion. I was reminded of Aslan, of course, hard not to be. I was told once that Aslan symbolism was actually the 3rd. Was the woman… ? No, she did not seem bad or witchy.

They are like Jared was? I ask the 3rd. The symbolism of you and me, in them, seems obvious. I should… release them?

Yes, but stay out of the way when you do, he advises mildly.

I wonder why. We both back up to something like a corner. I put myself in front of him so if there is something bad, my body will protect his. Then I feel foolish since he is so much more powerful than me.

I put a hand out to the tableu and say: hold that thought.

I turn to him and I tell him how I love him and how I miss the Four and I wail, and I just am not getting it together, I don’t know what’s WRONG with me! And he said, “Meditate on that.” “Alright,” I sigh.

I tell him that I miss his energy and now I see these two small children. They’re in a field with weeds and wildflowers, boy and girl, and they’re playing together, they are about four years old or so. I say, “is that symbolic of us?”

“That IS us,” he says, “in one of our lives together.” I put my arms around him and my head on his chest and I say, “How wonderful, to have some of your energy in the real world. How I wish I had some of you in mine.”

He says, “If you successfully get through some of the things you need to, we will get that for you.”

“Really?” I say with wide-eyed hope, and then I hug him again. I let go and turn back to the tableu.

I decide it will be fast, and he and I both put our hands out and just powerfully ‘will’ the ‘release’ of this tableu into life in our focus-reality of that moment and after a moment, color flashes into them and then a moment later, everything seems to explode, and we duck as the sound is loud and light flash is bright and rubble is falling everywhere, dust is everywhere.

Then I see that she has blasted all the way through. There is a perfectly round hole the size of our tiny cave that goes all the way up to the very top of the ground and we are looking at stars in a deep blue night sky. I had the feeling she was ‘ready’ to do that when made immobile and the 3rd knew that. Or something. How else would he know, I wondered.

I realize I don’t know what to say to her. She is looking at me expectantly.

I, ah… I don’t know if you are an archetype, or a guide, or –

I’m an Aeon, she says.

I just stare at her.

You can’t be, I say, having struggled with that and decided. That’s impossible. There are only 12 and they are already accounted for.

There are other groupings, she says.

No, I insist. I’m making this up. I don’t like this any more. I knew I wasn’t altered state enough. Some part of me is forcing my imagination in. I should just get out of this meditation and do it another time.

Then I stop and suddenly add, but wait. You’re not like an Aeon, you can’t be, I mean, you are clearly a symbol of the 3rd and I, instead.

I am you, she says.

You can’t be me, I say, determined that THIS, at least, I was sure about. *I* am me.

The 3rd leans close to me and says, Go with this. I will explain more another time and I will help you understand it.

I feel as if my stomach and my head would both hurt if they were not nonphysical in some realm of the mind. I wonder how the ‘definition’ of Aeon is doing. Is every freaking thing called that or what. I reluctantly agree. Unhappily.

I say, not expecting this to work at all, “So what are your names?”

It did take some working at it, I admit. But I eventually came up with “Viru” for the woman (vee’-ru) and “Mal” (maal) for the lion and they seemed good with it and it felt ok. I was surprised, since unless someone gets me a name fast before my mind slams shut, usually I just don’t do well with that at all.

I am forgetting something now. There were some offbeat things that seemed to relate to money/gold/greed and some other things that I don’t remember. I think we did some energy work and I asked if we could do more after that.

Eventually the lion was a man. I studied him. He had golden hair and tawny eyes and was a big guy and I said, you know, you look just like I’d expect a lion to look if he were a man.

She does something and now we are in a natural place like a forest clearing, it is night but the full moon is bright and we can see. The four of us are in a perfect square about 20 feet apart, and in my hands I find a beautiful little blue bottle, actually although it was one piece it was really two bottles, one smaller than the other, attached to each other, and each with glass stoppers.

The blue is so gorgeous, it is this deep azure blue, and there is clear liquid inside it. I realize it’s the same color as the throat in the chakra-gem world.

This is a rather alice in wonderland symbol, I say. But I don’t want to drink it if I don’t know what it is. What if it’s poison?

This is your meditation, the 3rd reminds me. You could deal with that in this state if it were. But I had a feeling he was mostly saying, in energy but not in words, “It is what needs to be done.”  Which is not, mind you, the same thing as “It’s ok it won’t hurt you,” which was odd. But apparently… it needed to be done, and I trust him, so…

So I open both stoppers and I tilt my head back and drink all of it at once.

Then I feel myself changing. At first I think I’m imagining it. The placebo effect! Then I think, am I getting larger? But no — then I actually feel the side of my upper lip rising in a snarl — even on my physical body — and I feel all kinds of energy flashing around me, into me, like I’m growing and expanding in weird ways, and I am crouching like I have four legs and some diff body shape, and I realize I want to get or even kill them, I want to tear out their throats!, I want to tear them apart limb from limb, and I snarl and leap at her, but all three of them have their hands out at me, and it hits me in midair and I fall to the ground where I was, leaping up again instantly.

I can feel them doing something to me, and I can’t move from my location except to twist and snarl in fury, and I’m getting body rushes — not extreme but plenty noticeable and in waves — as I feel that my body is changing and various limbs, tentacles, claws, etc. are vanishing, being energized off me or something, and I push against this, trying to leap at each of them but I can’t get near them, until finally I am battered by their energy to the ground, all the energy that was part of me is now gone, and I am the regular me again.

I realize I’m in precisely the position where IG had wanted me when I was ‘thrown out’ of the mine cart to begin with. By coincidence? It didn’t seem like it, but I wasn’t sure what it really meant.

“What was THAT?!” I ask the third. (I mean, MY 3rd. Not the lion-guy-3rd.) “Was I holding someone else’s energy or something??” Then I add, “Never mind, that is not important right now.” I wanted to be constructive, not get lost in details.

I get up. “Is there something else we can do to work ‘through’ this energy? Because I really want to and I am still lucid.”

She says something I don’t hear to the men who smile, I think commenting on my being unrelenting in a way.

Now we were in the room of some kind of house or flat, seemingly on an upper floor I guessed from the window, normal place, seems like late afternoon/early evening light grey sky.

Where are we? I ask.

This is our house in this reality, she says. I realize that the two of them live together as mates.

We are all dressed up, all four of us, in modern clothing like evening at a classy business dinner perhaps. She leads the way to a big iron gate elevator and we get in and go down. At the bottom we got out the opposite side, and we walk onto the street.

It’s a wide road, with medium and tall buildings, nice cars some of which are… different in a way I don’t pay attention to as I knew I couldn’t figure it out, and all the people are having a good time, some kind of celebration.

Then I realize something, and I say, “But wait! This — this is the same place! I mean… the road! This is the same road! You know, that I came in on! Except… well except everything is completely different, aside from people partying and the approximate width of it, and yet… yet I feel it. It’s the same.”

She turns around. Yes. This is the same road, in another probability, she says to me.

I try to wrap my head around that. I suddenly remember the meditation with IG and Senior where I forcibly “evolved” a world with my will, twice. Well yeah but if the old one still existed, then –

Everything exists, she says in response to my thoughts. It doesn’t quit existing just because it evolves.

I’m still trying to get it. So… so… both probabilities existed at the SAME time. And I came in at one level but now I was at another level. And both were still, well, ‘real’ so to speak. My logical mind didn’t have any problem with it after a moment, but I felt resistance. It was pretty hard to argue with a world of rowdy people though. They were there… no point in arguing the obvious. So I shrugged and continued walking the way we had been.

We get in this vehicle that is like an interesting cross between a car and a carriage, more like a very short-length car that also has seats up on top so you can sit in the open air (a little like the wagon, I consider, wondering about the parallels between worlds, with my position on the ground, with this vehicle, things like that), and we move down the street.

I look around. The visuals are not really clear in this. I figure I’m trying so hard to stay lucid that I’m not altered state enough and my forehead chakra is not really giving me as much as they often do. Then again it’s profoundly overtaxed given my internet schedule. It’s ok, I say reassuringly to ACKRCK and BUSM. You’re doing awesome and I know you work really hard for me. This is just fine, I can see well enough for the need.

We stop and go into a building, I realized it’s suddenly dark night, and the building is something like an 1800s tavern with yellow lantern lights, and then we duck into the doorway, and it’s different, bigger, bright, and a man who is like a host, dressed in a long colorful robe of sorts, recognizes the woman and bows to her.

This is all mixed up! I say in exasperation. I mean….! Outside it’s like modern times except some things that are like space age in a few vehicles and then the outside of this place is like poor village 1800s and then the INside is like rich kingdom magical world again, and –

She turns to me and says in her own exasperation, “Would you get OVER your obsession with TIME?!”

I don’t know what to say to that. My mind is thinking well I guess… I guess… why would it matter? She’s right. I think to myself it’s an answer to the thoughts I had earlier that led to the indonesian pottery stall. Maybe all my archworlds make sense because I expect them to. But there is no reason why we can’t have multiple times, places, whatever, blending all over. Part of my limitation. It occurs to me this is probably good, part of ‘opening up’ and making IG’s life a little easier with all this if I’m not so suppressed.

We go up a flight of stairs straight back to a door at the top, and she turns to the man at the bottom of the stairs and reminds him that she is never to be bothered of course, and her tone makes it sound like should this happen, consequences might be dire. He nods and bows and assures her not.

We go into a room and there is a circle on the floor with some symbol in it. I am reminded of the circle on the floor of the tower which I always avoided looking at, in the worry my conscious mind would make it into something and I wanted to get it spontaneously, but the castle changed before that ever happened.

I think I looked at this and did see it but I can’t remember what it was now, except a vague memory I hope I’m not inventing — it feels very ‘lite’ in memory — where it actually changed as I looked at it and got more and more bright azure blue until it looked like the throat chakra gem in my gem-world with IG, and we all joined hands and after a moment, I found myself looking up at a ceiling in some different much larger room.

I was lying on my back in what seemed like water except I couldn’t really feel it, except the sense it was very thick and very powerful. All four of us were lying side by side. I realized that we were ‘in’ a pool that was like the throat chakra gem (bigger than we were together, but much smaller than the one in my world with IG), but it wasn’t a hard facet, it was a semi-solid surface we were floating in/on.

I realized the point was to cleanse and energize so I focused on that happening. My perspective shifted and now we were in the same position but vertical, with our pool now like a wall but not affected by this, and I lose a lot of memory here but I was working with the throat chakra a bunch.

It occurred to me that there was a really really strong ‘liquid’ association here. I wondered if the gem world’s was actually soft like this, a semi-solid instead of the hard facet it seems.

I wondered at the gem-glass with the clear liquid in the bottle, obviously these things did relate, but how?

At one point some of the stuff I was doing with the throat seemed to have some effect, I kept realizing my head was back (like exposing the throat) and I had some sensation in that area, not a lot physically but some.

More happened, but I can’t remember it unfortunately. Well, I did get at least some of it written down. A lot of it fell out of my head before I could get my typing to that point.

The Viru/Mal don’t ‘feel’ like Largers, nor like the 4 (ok maybe a little like that), and they don’t ‘feel’ like my 12 Aeons either. I don’t know what they feel like. Maybe I wasn’t altered state enough.

Edited to add later: I remember a block of the end now, got it all in one chunk. Not all of it alas. But some more:

I was using the energy of the azure chakra we were ‘in’ (now like a wall) to go through the energy of my throat chakra, which at that point was a little expanded, and to look for every kind of block, issue, conflict, etc. and ‘see’ it (actually ‘feel’ it) with that filter and clean it out. I was frantically trying to remember at least some of the biogram-ish things I’d listed on my maybe-practices page earlier.

We came out of that, standing together, and I think I asked if there was yet-more we could do for me energy-wise because I was still lucid and I really wanted to get as much done as possible. Not sure how we got to this, but the four of us were then looking at my left leg, which all the sudden, ached (physically) like crazy. The knee ached, the lower shin ached, and the ankle really ached. I looked at it from the ‘new’ perspective and wouldn’t believe how I saw it.

First… there was no body part visible. From the full kneecap down to the lower ankle, was nothing but black iron, redone as thin, finger-thick pointed spikes run through it with some larger pieces around it. The worst sci-fi images combined, like a bad startrekNG borg and a firefly Reaver for example, might example it a bit. No wonder it hurt so bad all the sudden. My ankle, I noticed, had so incredibly much complexity to it compared to the shin and even the knee. I remembered the profound complexity of the feet seen from the chakra gem-world and considered that we undervalue this part of our body.

We began working on it energetically and I was praying fiercely to allow, to let go, to ‘allow myself vulnerability’ as it somehow seemed like this region had a lot to do with ‘allowing’ though I wasn’t sure why. Sometimes I felt like nothing was worked and a few times I got a small amount of rush. I think I passed out or something as my memory cuts out there abruptly for a bit.

But then the leg was clean, actually too clean in a way and had to be slightly fleshed out again, and I remember feeling like it was important that this bone was actually much thicker, and denser, stronger, than ordinary bones, due to my long term much higher weight. I remembered the #3 of 4 ‘Knight of Wands’ archetype who had ended up with way too much, too heavy or thick, bone all over, and told me that was the way he chose to be (it wasn’t something I could ‘fix’ to make him more normal). I felt oddly glad for this as if it mattered in some way and was not a bad thing in this case.

There was a sense however that the knee to ankle was really ‘vulnerable’ still and needed protection for awhile until it had more time staying clean/healed even in my physical world. They put something like a novel version of a cast around it, about an inch from the skin all around in a long cubic rectangle box shape was a white-light-energy thin ‘case’ that would just stay around it until it had enough time to heal from the middle all the way out. I adjusted my leg to be more straight where I was sitting on my bed, and noticed that the ache from all through it had dissipated.

P

PS Now I am wondering if the mule was IG’s sense of concept humor about my stubbornness…

**

Nero tells me that until I can learn to hold focus decently he wants to see me visualizing red-light triangle outlines until they are utterly clear visually in my mind and remain that way without front-brain (as I call it) effort. “Your ability to hold a focus without wavering is necessary to develop before we can do certain other things.” Practice this regularly.

“There is always a doorway out,” Nero said. “Always. You have to look for it while holding yourself in a state of faith — a suspension of disbelief — you have to accept that it IS there, in order to create the space for that probability to come through.” Come up with an exercise that actually forces practice of this on reality, on little stuff.

Resume the ‘reality meds’ geometry practice.

Make a point near-daily to actually think about what I DO want from my life. Even the trivial things. Pay attention. How can I expect a good life if I can’t even bother paying attention to what ‘good’ would be? My guides want clear requests. They tell me so! Make some!

Meditate on the body much like in Biogram — just go through and look for geometric stuff — “problems of any kind” (or any specific kind) and deal with it. Find the distortions and blocks in my pattern and fix those.

Try this: Look for “opposing beliefs” that are causing the most severe energy blockage. Maybe do the biogram med with that as the filter-focus.

My Saturn arch was ‘faceted’ when I met it at age 30. I wonder what that symbol means). (“Unintegrated energies, although these can be powerfully good, as well,” says the crew inside me.) Find the facet places inside me and integrate them. Might be a good thing to filter-focus with the biogram approach.

“When it is time for an energy to depart, let it go. If you don’t, it will merely make a mess all over your reality.” Search the self for energies ready to depart and free them. This also might be done in biogram framework.

Totally offbeat thought: Is “soul retrieval” kind of like a “defrag” of the larger self? Find all those pieces all over and broken chains and bring them back and make them as succinctly gathered with the rest of themself and the rest of everyone else that is active information, as possible. Defrag seems like a good visualization form, try that.

Practice I had back in 94-95: ‘I look for a pattern in myself, I look for “what I am avoiding.” And then I send myself toward that. If I find I am veering off and avoiding it, then I *know* I need to meditate on that, or in that way, or whatever, so that’s what I do.’ Do this again! 

Meditate on the Aeons in different combined groupings (sigils). After, do it with the Four.

Meditate on ‘things that block, suppress, inhibit, restrict, constrict, entrap, or otherwise limit my energy.’

Both Nero and IG told me that at least once a day I should imagine that I am holding the hands of each guide and that we are freely exchanging energy.

The 3rd told me I already knew what I should be doing. Visiting each of the Aeons closely, even briefly, every day. Communing with the Four. And — cleaning.

Come up with a succinct sentence for what I want. Come up with a geometric shape that “says” exactly that, in gold light. Attach to that carrier wave “Any not in accord with this belief, present yourselves for conflict resolution.” Give to Tek to install via the control center. Tek can also make the ‘plugin’ from the sentence-intent, allow and distract oneself to free him for it. This is instructions/changes. DNA changes can also be done but are a big deal. Get back to doing control center meds more often.

(The Sun) I asked him to help me better-awaken, clean up, heal, and encourage all my chakras, body-wide, especially the main ones, and to help me develop an actual relationship with them if possible. I could actually feel him working on my crown, and I worked on focusing on that, allowing it, and offering prayers, requests, permissions, defense overrides, and anything else that might help the cause. Ask sun to work with me on clearing out and opening the chakras.

(Heart Chakra) I said something like, “And I’d like to meet what the 3rd called the Themelians –” and as I said the word, I saw one. A Themelian… it was so beautiful. It was not human, but humanoid. It was colorful. As if all of its skin was woven with the most glorious, richly hued tattoes except it was natural, “living color” literally the color itself was alive as part of it. Meditate on being able to perceive, visually see, and hear, my chakras as entities.

Try emotional sequencing setups for everything. PO talks, IG work, archmeds, tekmeds.

I realized during it, that it had never occurred to me to merge with my Aeons while also merging with my planets. Meditate with Aeons and planets together.

Somewhere in there, IG … was telling me: at least this. Even if I cannot do an official or full meditation, at least put myself right there, with her, holding her hand, breathing together, sitting together, looking out on the landscape of me larger self.

I had this visual-concept of like a big sphere like a snowglobe. Except each tiny piece of snow was actually a guide “aspect of me”, and I was at the center, and all of us together were a sort of galaxy. I imagined that I released any grungy dark matter between all the stars that were me, and that my whole personal solar system / galaxy / whatever, was really clean and free. Make an exercise like this to do more regularly.

I was on a chakra and this image of something like a box opened, looked to be a ‘panel with turning knob’ with a snap-shut solid lid. And the turning-knob was like 1-10 from bottom left to bottom right, 5 at top. … this was the degree of openness of that particular chakra. Work this and variations into a regular exercise.

P

I consider this the catch-up or clean-up list. I would like to get through most of these as my priority over the next while. There’s quite a list but I think if I just get to it, it’ll work through. After all this time, maybe I have already mostly integrated this stuff naturally by now anyway.

**

My right leg: “It’s a whole world on its own I thought, at the same time as inside my head, a ‘small planet with amazing colorful social spaceport’ image + concept bloomed, replete with the sense of moving hovercars and more below.” Use that imagery and meditate on this like I was supposed to when I rejected it.

“Today I was nearly asleep when, like a mini-dream, on this street that I visited yesterday in another city, I was walking near the corner, when around the corner incredibly fast came (of all things) a modern train and it ran right into me — or at least, the total shock of the fact that I was suddenly being hit by a modern train was so severe that I literally leapt up in defense-panic reaction just at the instant when it would have done so.” Meditate on WTH this means and resolve it.

From archmed authority and helplessness: “I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn’t seem right. I don’t FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body — nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight’s work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don’t doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn’t. Yeah I know she has told me more than once that ‘feeling’ is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don’t know what else to do. I’m missing something. I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven’t yet grasped.” Meditate on this with the Four and ask for insight/direction to resolve it.

…”and I was screaming, get it off me! Get it off me!” — Do the arch work with MY archetype of performance.

Work out “how to work with” space archetypes. I’ve told IG I don’t like them, don’t know what to do with them. But this is closer than many other symbols to core geometries. Do a session asking for insight on “how to.”

I went into the waiting room and found myself instantly trapped in a weird prison. Another woman stood helpless in there and clearly unhappy about it. “That’s implant #25,” the woman said in disgust, about the pretty woman who’d gotten X’s attention. “Impl– you mean this is a dream, and this woman is like a thought form implanted into the dream by an outside someone or agency?” I said in astonishment. Meditate on Dream Implants: ask for help in making myself able to recognize them, avoid them, and escape traps.

Meditate on the animals I’ve eaten.

Meditate on the ‘fear of success’. (That was the fishy-head arch I danced with.)

Meditate on abreactive shunting-off of energy.

Meditate on eagles, and to a lesser degree, bats, that energy.

Meditate on “all the sleep that I’ve missed.”

Do one or more archmeds specific to allowing and integrating with the energy of each of the Four. And each of the Aeons.

Me: How come I can talk to you now and used to never be able to hear you? Nero: You decided to allow that. IG: You [...something like, do not allow yourself] new information via audio. Meditate on “allowing myself to perceive and accept new information, including via audio.”

Meditate on “the energy behind my self-destructive behavior.”

Meditate on “allowing myself vulnerability.”

Ask Oliphant (the small-elephant guide) what he works with me on.

Ask the “Instinctual things, habitual, ritual, things, and natively programmed instincts” guide what a name can be and what he works with me on.

What does the ‘stacked disks’ symbol mean? I have seen it in the focus meds on both Bo and Ith and in other contexts. Meditate on this.

Do an archmed on problems with memory related to dreams and meditation.

Ask the Private Oracle (specifically), what else can I work with IG on besides archetypes and aeons?

Meditate on “my resistance to evolution.”

LaeLee… had made me spontaneously think of a part of me I call a ‘possible alter’ many times, and she had told me that I could do an archmed on that if I wanted. Meditate on that.

If the root of every problem holds the key to the solution, does the root of my being fat hold an answer to it? Meditate on that.

Meditate (get back to) the archetype “of my extra bodyfat.”

I got the idea to meditate on Thoth’s “Adjustment” and its deeper archetypal meaning. I realized that IG is the source of these spontaneous insights… Meditate on this  with the specific of ‘and its deeper archetypal meaning’.

I looked around at all the (outer) guides that always start appearing the minute I show up there. I wondered again, what if anything I’m supposed to be ‘doing’ with them — what is the point of it all with them — and I felt as if IG were thinking through me that I should meditate on this. Meditate on it!

[3rd of 4 of 'knight of wands' arch] … As he did not ‘change all the way’ to normal in some fashion I felt like maybe I wasn’t succeeding, but he suggested, ‘Maybe that is the way I choose to be.’ I had a sense then that just because something is not ideal in my opinion doesn’t mean it is bad. I had the sense that the heavy thick bone he had was like a result of my childhood somehow, and so you might say, it was a little heavier than it should be, but it was also stronger, more powerful, and maybe he chose to keep that power/strength rather than be what I call normal or better looking. Seems an obvious relation to my body. (Note to self: meditate on ‘heavy/thick bones like that arch’)

(IG:) You need to FEEL inside you for what is outside. You need to FEEL whether a visualization is working for real or is just an exercise. You need to KNOW, and trust that knowing, when something is not good for you, and not allow yourself to accept things that harm you. (Meditate on increasing and clearing the feeling/knowing of the nature of things, of intent, and the nature of our relationship.)

This dream comprises energies said to be as big an effect on my life as that with Marcan (which is huge). http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/mercenary/ Meditate on this!

Meditate on copper! (The element)

P

Cycle 1: Hypnosis (Intent for Mind/Body)

Long ago I ‘gradually’ had experiences that moved me from a medical-model high-skeptic hypnotist — who had at that time, some years before finally ‘broken through’ a mild sociopathy as part of self-therapy — and who was having my mind cracked open by the combination of intense self-therapies and exposure to ‘past life regressions’, some of which no matter how skeptical I might be, I simply could not dismiss.

From the beginning to the end of that era (ages ~15 when I shifted into a psychology state rather specific, or 17 when I realized my problem that needed curing, to early 20s when I cured the problem, but also gained massive weight, and dropped the future-plans I’d had since age 5), I changed so radically that I was a completely different person when it was over.

During this period, from the therapy to heal myself, all the way to the side-effects that my studies opened for me and those interests, it was chaos for me. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was turbulent, fascinating but confusing.

Cycle 2: Healing and Archetypes (Intent for Energy and Spirit)

In my next “cycle” as I now think of it, I encountered a hands-on energy worker, archetype meditation teacher, a mother-figure of sorts, who basically hauled my useless skeptic ass into a focus more useful. I had massive changes. I changed my reality profoundly in too many ways to count. I revised my ‘perception’ radically. I prayed with the fevered fervency of a martyr or saint, constantly. I worked on my chakras, I worked on ‘channeling energy for healing’. I had periods where, when I really tried, I would spend nearly every waking hour “running energy.” Every life form I saw — a plant, a bird, a worm — I would channel love energy at through my heart chakra. I worked healing geometries on every human I encountered.

I spent so much time in prayer and channeling energy that several times for awhile I had this side effect where my eyes literally looked “back-lit,” something you just gotta see to believe. I would stare at myself in the mirror in awe for a long time, repeatedly. My friends would exclaim upon it. My eyes, normally brown with a lot of gold, looked shining golden. Like either I was a saint or maybe I was a vampire, given the way modern movies make their eyes look all weird a little like that, haha!

During that era, from my early days that began with hypnosis and biofeedback and led to hands-on energy work (which was around early 20s to age 27 or so), I had experience after experience that of course in retrospect I sure wish I had been recording. I had profound insights that changed me, and I think it’s fair to say that from the beginning to the end of that period, I changed so radically that I was a completely different person when it was over.

During this period, it was chaos for me. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was turbulent, fascinating but confusing.

Cycle 3: Bewilderness (Chakra awakening, chaos side-effects, Intro to my ‘identity’ as complex)

I had a partial kundalini experience, one channel blocked, and apparently did a major job on myself since it was followed by a few years I later wrote a case study about, and call my “Bewilderness” era, after the title of the case study. During this I had constant ‘experiences’, from a few months of 24/7 lucidity to constant interaction with ‘aliens and entities’ to profound visions to “alternate reality streams” (even simultaneous awareness of them), profound reorganizations and anomalies of space and time and reality, spontaneous psi of every kind, from occult experience to shamanic experience to spiritual experience to psychology experience, really it was a whole smorgasbord of every possible thing all mixed up together.

From the time I had that kundalini rising until the time that I had the ‘Abyss’ experience where my ‘divine light’ felt like it got vacuumed out and I merged with nothingness, to the Angel of Soul (blue eyes of soul I sometimes call it) that I met afterward, and for maybe a year after that as everything continued, and some got darker but some got smoother or at least less frightening, I changed so radically it’s fair to say I was a completely different person afterward.

During this period, it was chaos for me. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was turbulent, fascinating but confusing.

Cycle 4: The Dark Ages (Remote Viewing, intent for conscious psi)

That case study ended just before I got pregnant. For much of the next 10 years it felt like there was a thick dark wet blanket literally sitting on/in my crown chakra. Like I was ‘disconnected’. It was frankly horrible. I ‘got back’ a ton of stuff that I felt I had ‘evolved’ from previously, but really my teacher had just taken it on and when she released it, it was mine again.

I went through a period where a vampiric entity possessed (and I mean literally) my husband, who really had enough problems without that frankly. By the time my child was born I fully expected to die in childbirth and was ok with that, so exhausted I was resigned. I was surprised I didn’t. I hadn’t hardly planned for anything past that event since I didn’t expect to come out of it.

By the time my child was about 2.5, I was walking around but inside, nearly dead. I was so drained there are no words for it. I encountered a ‘psychic surgeon’ (one of the few ‘real deals’ in that world) who gave me back myself. Disconnected me and poured massive energy into me. A followup dream or three with him and some men who seemed a team working with him, helped me more. I feel like he, and they, literally saved my life.

During this era, right at the start of it, I ran into the Remote Viewing topic. It’s pretty much just a geometry rehash of exactly what happened with hypnosis just before and sometime after the turn of the century. In fact if you read a book like ‘From Mesmer to Freud’ (Crabtree. The last 1/3 of the book [caveats to get it published is what it felt like] I disliked but the first 2/3 were awesome) you just can’t help but exclaim over the parallels. I met a few people, some of whom have stayed with me, that are truly awesome, deep, exceptional individuals I feel grateful to have in my life.

I was beyond exhausted from the time-demands, which is mostly because I was a one-man defense against an enormous mass-media marketing effort on the part of several people (more once I had changed my perspective and realized some of where I began was also off-base from what was appropriate). I met some people who were parasites, ranging from the dark side folks to the mentally unstable folks to the greedy mercenary folks and those often overlapped. But I felt like it was dharmic, my involvement with it. My involvement varied over time, since I also had a child and jobs and so on, but when present was always an overwhelming focus. It wasn’t until a few years ago I finally felt I had permission to “let go” of it. My work was done, for whatever it was worth, maybe not much, but anything I do now is because I simply feel like it, or for me, not because it is part of some under the conscious level agreement as duty.

I had a lot of experiences in this era. Some of them in the later years are on my Red Cairo blog I think, or in the Firedocs site personal section. I had a big file I intended to be ‘Bewilderness II’ but I can’t find it. I was clueless when I began this era. A bit cult-ified by the way I was introduced. I had been “separated” from myself so fully, that my logical world was over-here and the psychic world was over-there. I completely ignored archetype, inner world work, during this era, for some reason. I learned a lot, mostly by accident, mostly by learning something that turned out to be totally wrong and then learning the hard way, insight that was ‘corrective’.

I had a lot related to ‘conscious psi’ that I’d never had of course, since I had come from the world of the skeptic, and gone through the world of energy work, and so the ‘conscious intent’ had only been present for me with metaphysics; never with hard-objective-feedback. It was like a different element of things. It was like changing from doing architecture, to instead doing interior design. Much more ‘surface’, seemingly simple but in its own way with layers of complexity–far more if one has insight accompanying it–but also a lot more tangible and immediate. Most of my inner work was only in dreams in all this.

During this period, it was chaos for me. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. However I was a lot more ‘intentional’ than ever before. I had it together in some respects. But in others it was turbulent, fascinating but confusing.

Cycle 5: Observation of Need for Integration

The next cycle is less abrupt, a longer gradual start to it, in the mid 2000′s, until  around now.

I got back into archetype work, at least sometimes. My dreams picked up again, at least sometimes. My conscious psi and focus on ‘mental tools’ like from my hypnosis days, and some of the physical stuff from the bridge between my hypnosis and energy days, came back a bit.

During much of this period I’ve spent either too much time working or too much time “working” but for the sake of RV stuff even though that is mostly a job I do free instead of much fun with the people or participation unfortunately. And with a lot of denial/avoidance present, which I see in retrospect has actually been a little bit necessary, in order to allow me the ‘space and time’ to integrate.

I created this Psiche blog because my prior ‘Red Cairo’ blog was mostly about odd dreams, RV, anomalous experiences. It was intentionally the offbeat stuff. But I wanted to begin more exploration of myself, pick back up the archetype work. I had experiments with archetypes and aspects and chakras and RV all mixed during this period (a few noted on the RC blog). I’ve realized along the way that these things aren’t separate like I’d had them before.

Insights related to the differences and relationship of truth vs. accuracy, of remote viewing vs. spirit, of the underlying structure of reality, of how many of things mix up and overlap. That was the early days.

Now that things were starting to “run into each other”, I began to get a glimpse of just HOW truly integrated things are. I didn’t have all this until recently though, which is the end of the cycle.

*

An RV target: a mental ‘intent’ that collects energy of the universe into a singular surface instance of experience within the flotsam-level as I call it, the illusion of shared reality.

An archetype: a mental ‘intent’ that collects energy of the universe into a collective conglomerate, because there is really no such thing as a single instance except in a surface limited human perception and even then only from certain levels of that perception which match the dominant worldview of our culture (other cultures, with other chakraic energies present or dominant, would perceive things differently).

A dream: no different than working a target or working an archmed, just less of our conscious focus-personality, more of our larger-conglomerate personality, and with usually fewer conscious filters glomming up the works.

An archmed done on a dream is: a target.

The mental management to control viewing, the mental management to control archmed work, the mental management to control energy work, the mental management to control oneself or others in hypnosis, the mental management to control the many layers of consciousness that a wider, not-just-archetype work demands: also not separate. All really the same thing.

Somehow I walked down what I thought were several different paths but it turns out they were all just different lines on the same path, and the chaos of “what connects the betweens” — and what divides them.

I did not understand it’s not about hypnosis, it’s not about remote viewing, it’s not about energy work, it’s not about archetype work, it’s not about jungian psychology or shamanism or NLP. It’s about the nature of reality. EVERYTHING ties into that primally. How everything works is all about that. That is ‘the big picture’. All those other things are just “individual instance” variations. In their own way, they are the targets of the larger archetype.

There is only consciousness, which is energy, which is perceived as mass if the particular frequency of it is near enough what our avatar/body spans.

Everything’s a fractal hologram, the patterns of the distant galaxies, the patterns of our solar system, the patterns of global weather, of national politics, of city finance, of family systems, of personal relationships and evolution, are all the same patterns, infinitely explored. Which means that ‘identity’ and ‘events’ and even ‘tendencies’ and ‘luck’ are as much energy as a television or a human or Jupiter. It’s all infinite. Buddha wanted every blade of grass to evolve because he understood.

We are an identity, composed of other identities, which are composed of other identities, infinitely back to the sub-atomic level until it is the single space-time-identity point that ‘is’ the 1 of the 1/0, the “on” of the on/off, the binary ISness fundamental of the universe. And our identity joins to others to compose larger identities, which join still further, infinitely forward to exactly the same point: the polar extremes which are in fact the same thing.

We are a sub-atomic sized element within one atom within one molecule within what, if you follow it up to the surface enough, is one pixel of color in a period… in the largest book ever written.

Every molecule in every cell composes it and all our conscious. Every cell in our body composes that consciousness. Every mote of energy in a chakra composes that consciousness. What we think of us as ‘we’ is a collection of energy defined by intent, like a target or archetype, WE are an archetype; we are a target; an individual instance of a collective conglomerate of energy.

I realized it in the ‘abyss’ experience: “Identity is an arbitrary collection of conscious assigned a title.” And on its own, never large enough to fully hold me or fully define me. We ‘evolve’ from target toward archetype, you might say. We are always both in a way, but we ‘slide’ toward the larger understanding, the fuller complexity and encompassing.

We as an identity currently, are composed of our bodies, the avatars within which we are symbiotes, and the avatar has a whole spectrum which ranges from its own angelic oversoul to its components. We are also the % of chakras that are part of these energy and physical bodies, and of some % of the larger entity which is the span or spectrum of so-called spiritual perception we are evolved to deal with at this moment.

Bodies, chakras, and the spirit, have parts that are not ‘us’ in this perspective. We are ‘some’ of them, that’s what we ‘hold’ in this kind of perspective we have in this reality. And there’s tons of stuff, present in the body and consciousness, we are oblivious to, I am I know, that I expect I’ll learn more about in the future.

If bodies were chess pieces, and the planet and all its components were the board and spirit was the air around it, we would be a combination of some of everything. Most of the chess piece; some of the board but of various squares; a bunch of the air from all over. The planet as an identity is composed of all of us. Mountains and elephants, people and trees, giraffes and worms and amoebas and crystals and rivers and sky. We are the organs and the cells and systems of the planet as a body, just like the types of white blood cells and more are the zebras and giraffes of our inner landscape.

And every level of energy has its own reality, its own conscious “world,” which I sometimes perceive as ‘thin layers’ of which we as entities span a vast number (but an infinitely smaller number compared to the infinity of what exists).

And every level of identity has its own way of perceiving reality. And they are all equally real. If I look into the life of a clump of cells it is a reality like the one I know, from amoebas to animals to trees to people to mountains to stars, and all the events and relationships, orbits and occlusions you might say, that I understand.

If I look at an entity, if I am truly able to perceive it, the more I can perceive it, the more it will become part of that “scale” of reality for me. Because all perception is translation. And we don’t see anything else as it is, we see it as we are. This is a truism for international politics, for romantic relationships, and for how blood cells relate to each other, as well as for how we relate to devas, aliens, entities, archetypes, targets, and the guy next door.

There is only one point. Everything flows from that and everything is a relationship with itself. Every part of evolution is getting to know yourself. You as the single-point of the universe. And we do that by getting to know the ‘other’. We learn that we are not just the energy of the person in the mirror, we are the energy of the bad relationship with our ex and the energy of our fat thighs and the energy of the city politics we live within, but also of the good relationship with our cat and the energy of our musical talent and the energy of the gorgeous world of nature we live within. We are even the energy of the ‘divisions and blocks’ that make our identity separate from other energies.

The more we allow and absorb of ourselves, the more we grow, the more our perception increases, the more the target definition of ‘us’ as an identity increases, the more it shifts from the more-surface ‘target’ level of individual instance to the fuller ‘archetype’ level of collective conglomerate; and so the more of our components we are aware of, the more of the things of which we are a component we are aware of, the more of the holographic pattern we observe.

Buddha knew that he was that blade of grass and Earth was him and until every smallest particle has accepted the light of ISness so to speak (not to sound too metaphysical but I lack other words here), “we” — limiting our identity to the size of the planet, for convenience — are not ‘fully’ evolved. And when the planet reaches that point it will continue evolving, too, it will be a new phase for it.

Much like in traffic you can only go as fast as the car in front of you, in evolution you can only evolve to a certain point on your own, to reach the ‘ideal of your present focus-point’; all the ‘other elements which are also you’ must develop on their own, and you all must agree to develop together to ‘share perspective’ until you are a larger identity; the saints saw the path of wisdom as ‘service’ because they recognized that we are whom and what we serve.

*

Now back to something practical because the whole buddhist-ish thing is just killing my left brain:

During the last 10 years but especially during the last 5 or so, since I began this blog, I’ve been running into — with all the grace of tripping over something and falling through the glass — the “lack of separation” element.

I’ve been forced to look at the synthesis, at the “integration” of the things I have done, studied, explored, before.

I’ve had a horrible resistance to all forms of integration. I’ve been repeatedly introduced to the idea of chakras as entities dating back to the 90s and forget it entirely every time and when I finally even barely begin ‘meeting’ one that way I freak out, I’m hostile, I avoid it, pretend it didn’t happen, refuse to blog it, and so on.

I thought the Four (the 4 Aeons of Light of which I am one-facet of the 4th-of-4) were ‘neat’ although a little confusing at times, but it took years and years to accept that, only to realize I am still so non-accepting that they can barely ‘do’ anything when my awareness is present, I close everything even conversation down in my resistance.

When introduced to the Consortium (the 12 Aeons which ‘compose’ me, or perhaps compose the 4th-of-4) I flipped out again and it has taken literally years to accept them as real and even still I am mostly unintegrated. The list goes on, these are the obvious ones but it’s a spiral pattern for ‘everything’.

It wasn’t merely that I am not integrated or whatever, it’s that I have spent the last decade, especially the last 5 years, just being forced to re-re-re-re-LOOK at the idea, to consider it from new perspectives, until finally I have somewhat given in and ‘allowed’ the IDEA of it.

That doesn’t mean I’m anywhere near actually doing it, haha. But finally I have said, “OK.” which is an agreement to move forward from here.

This last cycle has changed me in so many ways that although I am not a completely different person like I was in the other cycles–on the surface as a personality–I am certainly a LARGER more-inclusive identity on the energetic level. Or you might say that in previous cycles, I saw the changes in the near-surface and the surface, as that is where most of them took place; and now I mostly see the ‘expansion’ in the iceberg underneath. The changes in my surface personality are actually considerable, but they are by far the trivial element of things.

I didn’t realize it, but through this period, it was chaos for me. One big “glom” of stuff. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was turbulent, fascinating but confusing.

Cycle 6: I Have No Idea

I am going through updating each post to better reflect the new category structure. I realized in re-reading the blog that there was something missing. I didn’t even have categories for each of the Four. I didn’t have them for the Consortium. I didn’t have them for the most common identities with which I work. I didn’t have them for the chakras. Or for the Largers. I didn’t have them for stuff I wanted to keep like ‘favorites’ for different reasons.

I realized that the reason I didn’t have them, is because when I began this, it was all just a big blob of confusion and lack of definition. Tarot, Astrology; Chakras, the Cosmos; Identity, at various levels.

Now, I realize that probably, someday, I will see each of these separate elements as one — all the chakras, all the tarot; and even see all those separate elements as the same. A higher integration. But for right now, even being forced to recognize and realize these things, to validate everything as an identity, to learn about things individually and get comfortable and integrated with them, that is where I am.

More important is a larger but more subtle issue:

I have really suffered ego through this last cycle. It’s a funny thing, I have always been an egomaniac in my own way, or maybe everybody is and I have just been more aware of it. But until this cycle, everything that I focused on and studied, I thought was cool. Talking about it to others, I thought made me cool, smart, talented, whatever. I was in part encouraged to do what I did because of its coolness. People around me were equally fascinated. I was the walking encyclopedia, very shortly in, on everything I have studied. I’ve had the terrific “luck” to meet people who are some of the best in the world at every topic I have studied, to have had some ‘in’ with paths that were exceptional, both at the time and even in retrospect.

But this cycle, on this blog in particular, most of what I have studied I’ve felt was uncool. Was embarrassing. Sounded crazy. Sounded stupid. Sounded somewhere between naive at best, to schizo at worst. Sounded uncritical. The hypnotist in me, which is the protocol-element of the RV part of me, throws arrows at the high hypnotic, the viewer of me, for their open belief, their allowance, their mystical experience. “You guys are total dorks and I can’t believe I associate with you,” is how it feels. “I’m embarrassed to be seen in public with you!”

And in this case, people around me are, with a couple rare exceptions, uninterested in the subject. To SUCH a degree that I literally cannot find a single person on the entire internet doing the same stuff themselves (although some in their own different way cover the same territory of course). Even google fails me! Aside from rare tiny components of a huge kaleidoscope I cannot find ‘confirmation’ or ‘validation’ for what I am studying. I am alone in it.

Worse, I feel non-cool. Non-smart. Non-talented. The total opposite of all the paths that came before, for me. I felt that way because I was using other people to prop the ego for those things, not a decent self-worth. This cycle to a great degree has been the path I walk alone. My saintly guides arranged a few people to occasionally visit and talk to me to keep me connected I think, without whom, that small input, I’d have felt even more alone.

I tried to compensate which only made it worse. Re-reading the blog as a whole makes certain patterns a lot more clear. Like how often I resist things, literally walk away from meditations and entities and conversations, because they imply that I am uncool. Does something have wings? How embarrassing. Now random red cubes in the air, or a three-headed hydra monster, that’s relatively cool. Even the giant slimy frog, that’s relatively cool just by weirdness. The roman centurion trapped in a glass conal pyramid, that’s a little cool. But the cute frog that wanted to be a prince? The paper-cutout lion that was a Lord of the inner realm? The big rubber galosha? The guy’s horse?? The fairy-like Aeon? That’s not cool. That’s stupid and embarrassing, or as this blog’s favorite word goes, that’s RETARDED!

I realized (not that long ago) that my creation with IG has been super limited. My whole inner world looks like sci-fi/fantasy. I saw that even when I got other stuff — like normal modern symbols, the way one should since after all that’s what dreams operate with mostly — I closed it down. It was too close to the real world. The real world is over-there. It’s my computer. My job. The inner world is over-here. It’s my viewing, my healing, my archetypes. They don’t meet. So if I get a symbol of a guy who is a bit monsterlike on a city bus with a young girl, I close it down. Why? Because the city bus element is ‘real world’. That isn’t allowed apparently. Because that might start ‘mixing’ the worlds. I hear schizos do that. I don’t want to do that. I am real clear on many states of consciousness and what world things come from. It seems like a survival skill to keep that clear.

I spend one single day on a visit to Wal-Mart thinking maybe just here and there for an hour I’ll see if I can be more ‘aware’ in my ‘normal’ world. By the time I walk out of the store I’m nearly in need of therapy. Visuals are sounds, and sounds are visuals, and I’ve seen the ‘solar body’ — the divine element of the human body — the light-beings that ‘wear their humans like suits’ — and been so freaked out by it–by their instant ‘awareness’ that I could see them, mostly — that I have to “not look” at it again. I see quickly why I am so separated. Because this is how I have stayed sane. Is LACK of integration.

Palyne-1 is smart, objective, logical, a writer, creative within structured forms, and highly functional. Palyne-2 is whatever is the opposite of that. She’s the evil twin, the one I keep in the basement, the high-hypnotic and the natural-viewer and the healer. Palyne 1 can bore you senseless with the intellectual expertise on nearly anything. Palyne-2 just wants to live, really live as a verb. So far, one has been extremely dominant. That is changing.

The last cycle was, on a deeper level, not a matter of integrating all my cycles from before, but a matter of forcing the introduction to MYSELF. An acknowledgement and acceptance which simply had to happen before genuine integration work could begin.

*

I don’t know what Cycle 6 will be composed of for sure. I know that I am sliding into it now.

I know that I need to spend less time insulting entities that talk with me, insulting my own intelligence, proclaiming everything retarded, and being so ego-afraid that someone who doesn’t have a frakkin’ clue about this stuff anyway, is going to read my blog and think I’m stupid.

I know that I need to treat my inner world and its universe with respect, not doubt and even derision.

I know that I need to treat my practices with seriousness, with the kind of discipline I have applied at previous times in my life such as to hypnosis and energy work (and to ‘the job’ related to RV, though not to RV itself). My lack of discipline is really just another manifestation of my lack of validation.

I know that I need to treasure the opportunities I have with my Aeons and with IG. That I need to be thankful for the amazing gift of actually being able to consciously work like this. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am now. I’m not saying it’s better than what anybody else is doing–we all have our own approaches–I’m just saying it’s way better than what I had before for sure, for so many years. I need to be more appreciative of all that.

I know that whatever it is I’m doing, I need to do INTENTIONALLY now. It will come spontaneously as it should, if I have my own efforts in place. I can’t rely on random happenings and mostly non-attention to carry me forward. The escalator has come to something of a halt here. The only ‘momentum’ I’ll get help with is that which is sponsored by my own original impellings.

*

Related to the last part above, LD and I were talking the other day about how if you only do meditation when your reality is crashing and you’re trying to save yourself, and then you don’t bother doing it anymore, and then you keep thinking and saying that yeah you need to get back to meditation work, it’s like telling your guides that you want your reality to crash again. It’s definitely negative reinforcement. I mean better some inner work than none, but if it only happens by bringing on reality sucking, that’s how guides might arrange it happening when it really needs to.

*

As a sort of ‘transition’ between the last cycle and the new one I feel I am beginning, I feel that I need to go through and “clean up and catch up.” That means cleaning the drawers and closet in my room, but it also means going through the file I’ve collected of all the things I didn’t finish or needed to follow up on and didn’t. Basically, to “bring myself up to date and to a good place” for moving forward, on many levels. Basically it means “accepting responsibility, and applying the discipline to take care of things.” THEN I can more proactively move on what’s next.

So coming up I’ll be doing a variety of inner work that is based on my blog re-read mostly. We’ll see, after that.

P

Formerly-winged-guy felt more like 18% or so merged. Well, there is no ‘feeling’ involved just a ‘scan for awareness’ I’m doing.

Prayer. The real kind.

Did nothing else useful for most the day.

Late in day: freaked out for some reason. Actually ordered pizza and a 2L soda. Yes that’s very bad, not common for me but I was having some weird sudden moment I can’t explain, I wasn’t even really hungry and I had plenty of stuff (including carbs if that was the goal) at home. Took lots of gluten-ease but was only able to eat a few slices and had to force myself, at that. The whole thing tasted off. As if my body chemistry has changed in some weird way. The only thing that tasted weirder than the pizza was the soda (Sprite), that was especially icky-bizarre. It just didn’t have the good-brain-chemicals response this stuff normally would. How confusing! What a waste of money. I just put it all down and refused to eat or drink any more of it.

Formerly-winged-guy: about 23.something % merged. I’m wondering if I can blame the weird food response on him.

Late evening. Breathing with LaeLee, Calme, Nedlund.

I have felt especially affectionate about all the Aeons. Not really connected frankly. But affectionate. I prayed as part of each one today, to allow, to release and dissolve any resistance to their energy.

I felt at one point, that merely being allowed awareness of the … glory for lack of a better word, or holiness … of an energy of any kind, is its own reward. When I focus on a lot of this stuff, my state of mind changes a lot. I just feel so honored to even know of these things, these identities, to have even once gazed upon IG or my ‘blue eyes of soul’ inner Angel, and so on.

Later evening: ended up spending a long time at youtube, watching/listening to a/v of chakra exercises, binaural frequencies, and so on. None I found were particularly good, most are bad, a few are ok. One of the chakra collections, most all 7 of them are variations with the same pictures, diff colors, that sort of thing. I watched them all in series. But I was intrigued to notice something. A sync.

A couple pics in the heart one were diff — not in the other vids. And they were specifically of human+ faces that were richly colored skin. It actually startled me! Because it reminds me of the ‘Themelian’ I saw briefly recently. Now, it didn’t really look like this–if it did I would suspect my visual was actually precog instead. Thank god I did not see this until AFTER the experience or I really would have invalidated myself.

But if I were to ‘fake’ what it DID look like, “sort of,” not quite but kinda, the basic of the “richly colored, shimmering skin” (and yes impressive eyes, and an overall “human but clearly humanOID, something diff” face, though that wasn’t a big notice/memory for me compared to the skin)–there is more than one color on the face and the skin IS the color I mean it’s not painted, it’s made that way–this would be good.

What are the odds that the heart chakra shows himself to me briefly and that’s what little I was able to hold in memory to bring back to ‘this’ outer world, and then these pics would happen to show up in a heart chakra video?

Colored face #1 from heart chakra med. If the skin, instead of powder makeup and sequins, were a super deep, rich, shimmery color--the skin itself--it'd be a good match.

I could be wrong but I didn’t see them (though I saw a few variations on just the ‘eye’ not the face around it) in the other vids by the same source. I don’t think she knows–I mean I somehow doubt she has seen the Themelians and so has a clue at all–I just consider it a sort of “subconscious synchronicity” on the author’s part. It just ‘felt right’… for good reason.

The second one was more the archetypes or greenman type image (although the chakras have both male and female (or projective/receptive) component, so maybe the dual eyes is appropriate here, like how the Hindus used multiple heads/arms to illustrate composite identities), but still, there’s a face with multiple colors on the skin.

Multicolor Face #2 from the heart chakra med

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzCc4BaeLi8

I’m reminded slightly of this experience during my Bewilderness era where a sound during it was exactly like some old, bad science fiction movie of the 60s or something, that funky high sliding-scale vibrato sound. I just couldn’t get over it even at the time, how utterly hilarious that it would sound just like that, and how unbelievable that would make telling it to anybody else. I had to wonder if people (like who make movies) might have subconsciously, via psi or non-remembered experience, been drawn to that sound. Like it just seemed right.

Really, you have to wonder, why did we come up with that sound for ‘alien’ themes instead of, saw, the ‘Jaws’-type music instead? Maybe humans unconsciously model and mimic a lot of things.

P

PS After posting this, I went back to watch some of the things I had selected but not watched previously. One is a throat chakra visualization. For some reason, there is a picture which looks more like a forehead/ajna chakra focus, but there it is again–a human this time, but with colored face. Now, this is not too much like them. They were not quite human like us but mostly, their colors were utterly pure/solid and rich jewel tones and shiny and textured, so this is a bad example really. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beXK8TkvIqY

But after seeing that I thought ok, either my talking to the Themelians today and begging them to help me see them and remember them is having some reality side-effects, like now some variant on them is everywhere, or maybe this element (faces with richly colored skin of various colors) is actually everywhere and I just never noticed it before seeing them!

Yet another colored face. Although this one is not a good example for about 9 reasons, still, it's the point of it...

Morning: I feel, at this moment, as if me and the formerly-winged-guy are sharing the same space, in terms of atomic particles, but are still almost fully separate. The ‘almost’ part took the whole night and morning to get to and still barely anything. It’s things like this that make me feel I’m just imagining it all.

Didn’t mean to fall asleep for my lunch time.

Afternoon: Breathing with Ithikah. Breathing with L’Anna. Breathing with Ray.

Took the Joplin Tornado pics off my phone and onto my computer. I haven’t even looked at them since the day I took them (2 weeks after it occurred) and I have never removed them from the phone. It’s like some massive passive aggressive response based on how it traumatized me. I just couldn’t, wouldn’t even think about it. Now all the sudden I just had the urge to deal with it and get it done.

Feel now as if formerly-winged-guy is now ‘a larger percentage’ of me, except it doesn’t feel any different… hard to explain. I had this impression that this was happening very slowly to prevent my subconscious rejecting it outright. It’s still only a small %. Like maybe 11 or so.

Humor: when I was initially attempting to merge with him, I had this sudden ‘notice’ of a prominent, er, body part he has, because of the associated lover painting linked to yesterday I’m sure, which made me laugh. Well I was typing something – oh, about a tarot deck – and I accidentally typed something like, “Now that I have a new dick, I’m ready to go.” That made me laugh because I wondered if it was some “freudian typo” and then I realized (relax, I am NOT going to say I feel like I have one haha) that the integration of the formerly-winged-guy does feel very… “masculine” in nature.

Like my younger days, some eras  I was more butch than others. Levis and army jacket, short hair and grab a chair with your foot and sit on it backwards legs apart kind of thing, just very masculine behavior and relation to the world. (Women came on to me like crazy during that era so I must have been doing something right. I think women are gorgeous, I love fantasy art, and they’re sometimes sensual in person but I just can’t get into them any more literally than that I’m afraid.)

Late this afternoon I was sitting here thinking about how, suddenly, a little more physical energy is present in me, and Ry was actually working with me on stuff which is rare at the moment, and the house changed in 3 areas all at once, and I finally had the whatever to get the pics off my phone, and to ‘allow’ the energies related to work, and it seemed like “all the sudden stuff was manifesting” as if something has changed in me.

Then, like in the middle of that thinking, my dad called out of the blue and said he’s giving me his van! So early next week I’ll have a vehicle for the first time in 3.5 years! To say I’m excited is an understatement. Awesome!

I admit I haven’t really worked on it or I’m sure I’d have had it long before. I did one med on a car eons ago and that was it. Last night Ry was saying, “Mom. We have to get a car. We just have to. We need this.” and I was agreeing.

Evening: breathing with El Nino separately (first time I’ve done that. He told me that he was ‘a part of’ the energy in that archmed, he was part of the Golden Horse), and Jared (which got a little sensual. Someday I will have to do something tantric with him, now that our relationship seems super positive and not based on that overwhelming cosmic-sized guilt. Losing that, I think due to work with him, is surely the best thing that’s happened to me in 20 years).

Made myself make food and take supplements, do one tiny silly thing for the room which shouldn’t count but it’s the moral of it, and decided to blog and then talk to IG briefly and sleep, since I have to work in just a few hours.

P

Morning to afternoon: Did ‘breathing with’ Nero, Bolehren, Marcan and Taan. Got that idea of 10 slow deep breaths, breathing them in, breathing them out, from Dominon (who was Mondnom at the time, I’d just met him) as it was his idea and he was doing that with me. Seems to work pretty well.

I gave them each a tablet of signed slips for ‘override’ of my defenses-etc. Got that idea of the blank check or “decree” from the arch in The Devic Kingdom of Me meditation.

*

Late Afternoon: Briefly talked with the recent guide I met w/IG who said he handled “Instinctual things, habitual, ritual things, and natively programmed instincts.” Tried to get his name. Instead of a name I just see this color/shape that reminds me of some stacked figs I once saw in a magazine ad. Oddly, it seems reasonable that if it were translated into sound, it might be a sound “with ‘ee’ in the middle, except sideways.” The spacial stuff that mixes with sound is just so weird! I bet this is Nedlund’s area — sound that has ‘extra dimension’. Or throat chakra, since I notice there are visual equivalents of this as well. I decided to just call him “habit-instinct guide.”

Couldn’t figure out what to work with him on. Didn’t hear him well either. I offered him a 50% coupon for override. He haggled! And pullling this off despite that I could not see or hear him clearly was a real feat. Obviously I could get some concepts. In the end, bargaining back and forth on what he thought he needed vs. what I was willing to trust him with, given I don’t know him, and don’t trust any guide not to ruin my life because they think it would be jolly educational–call me paranoid, so what–I gave him an 83% override slip. Just one.

I’m calling him “RIH Guide” on the blog category for now.

*

Evening: A rare and big thing: Ry and I decided to change the house. I made a plan to buy another spread/tapestry (or two), I love the way having the wall covered changes the feel of the room. I moved my desk out to the living room and I’m planning to move my bed over to the center of the room so I can get to the drawers on the other side of it for the first time in many years (captain’s bunk). Put a few tiny shelves in, in place of the desk. Ry and I moved the table and some stacked trunks to the garage, from the living room. We’re going to take apart the weight cage for now and store it, keep basic dumbbells and the slant chair around is all.

Also: We made Red Mud Soup. This is my favorite soup in the universe, hers too. It’s like when my body tastes it, it feels loved and nurtured.

I make a crockpot roast with about half a crock (oversized) of beef broth left over (I over-do the liquid since I’m making it more for the broth than the roast). In the roast we usually use montreal steak seasoning, a little bit of worcestershire [this has gluten unless you get a GF kind], red wine vinegar, sometimes a tiny bit of garlic or onion. This time we used none of the last 3 and in place of that used a little bit of bottled vinaigrette salad dressing. I save the broth for when I have time for the soup and I use either a pot or the crock to make it.

Then I clean, slice and sautee two packages of crimini/ portabella mushrooms in butter, with some Montreal steak seasoning. I sautee some sliced veggies (like yellow squash, carrot, etc.) in coconut oil with some garlic powder and onion powder. Then I put some broth and the veggies and mushrooms in the blender until they’re smooth (not while real hot, and always much less than I think will fit, heavy on the liquid when doing that). I dump it all back into the crockpot and then add one small can of tomato sauce with garlic, basic and oregano (it comes like that as an option, I’m not adding the spices directly) and two tiny cans of tomato paste. Then I stir and let it all simmer together for about 2 hours, then I turn the lid so it will reduce a bit, and let it simmer a couple more hours.

It’s spicy (not hot, just “very intense”). It feels like something you would use to bring a half frozen person back to life after snow rescue or something. We put it in little 8oz containers and freeze them and then now and then, put one in the fridge, and nuke it for a hot soup. Sometimes add a little half&half stirred in for a creamy version.

*

Late night: I realized I’d missed IG’s midnight mass entirely. Went in and yes, she was there, though I could not see her the way I could back in October. I kneeled at her feet and started to apologize but ended up just talking about how amazing she was (a side effect of being Angelic is she invokes that at times) and passed out.

Woke up later via the kid, to finish off food stuff. Then went back to IG.

*

Remembered I was supposed to … meet? Merge? recently. Week or so ago. I didn’t blog as I was in denial and kept forgetting. Repeatedly. Would have forgot again but a friend I told sent me an email reminding me. Which I carefully ignored until that night.

I can’t remember the context for meeting it (him) now, but at the time I think it was something like, “the parts of me I want to be manifest.” I was feeling as if some parts of me that used to have more… more discipline and determination and things like that have become… well background in my personality and I want them back.

The identity seemed to materialize as if from a fog. He had big wings!–which dissolved on him as the fog did. He was very muscular, slightly reminded me of my Aeon “Ray,” and given the coloring and muscle and just the feel of it, I felt maybe my brain was modeling it on the tech angel in a few of Luis Royo’s paintings. Not in detail, and the wings were diff. But the muscular, bald, and feel of him.

(See: Comfort which is my fave painting. LD got me a big print I still need to frame and hang. And Lover (warning that one’s NSFW) is another version of him. A younger thinner version of him is in another crucifixion-style painting also.)

At the time he appeared, not in a meditation just … there, like an archetype but in some novel way, I understood the goal was to integrate with him. But it felt like a big deal, I mean such a big deal that literally I was getting ready to eat something with gluten and I didn’t want to do the med until my system was cleared, as odd as that might sound. Like it was a whole magic ritual not ‘just’ an archmed. And then I put it off and put it off…

Suddenly willing, I asked IG for him (finally), and I skipped all the preliminaries and simply tried to merge. Which had the result of an almost-merge but not in the normal way. Like it didn’t quite work or is something different. Like we are in the same place but utterly separate. I did have a sense that it was more an equals-merge than the kind I normally do and I had some resistance to that. And that he was very much a part of me by which I don’t just mean some esoteric over-there energy-of-the-universe thing but something more akin to ‘another aspect’ of me. Still. IG was not talkative alas, and I couldn’t really get anything out of the aspect, so who knows.

(Later edit: I’m calling him “Formerly-Winged-Guy” on the blog under Aspects until I figure out more.)

*

Another big change that night: In my blog one thing the re-reading showed me was how many times I’ve blogged that I feel fairlystrongly that some major energy in my life needs to change, I mean wants to and is trying to, and I wonder what that relates to, and it feels like my job, and then I just freak out and even cry and beg it no, not under any circumstances, don’t mess with my job no matter what, and so on. Ironically, I have only blogged a tiny fraction of the number of times that has really happened. Talk about repeating.

Last night I had that feeling again. But for the first time ever, in the few years this has been happening now, I actually felt different. Maybe the formerly-winged-guy effort?? I don’t know.

I said to IG, “I think I am getting ok with this. I think I’m starting to feel that this affects a lot of my life and not just my work. I think… if this needs to happen, if this energy needs to move, it might be ok. That I should let go and let it happen and trust.”

All in all I’d say it was a productive day.

P

This one is (as they all are) just a stylized version of the ‘long Chinese dragon’ but it works, it’s fun. It’s in tan/ brown/ cream/ black and it was made to be a full sized bedspread so it’s about 88×108 inches. (Pic) I had intended to hang it as a tapestry and I finally decided suddenly that I must do it. RIGHT NOW. Not sure why!

It turned out the local hardware store only had 4′ dowels and this is 8-9′ wide. So instead, I got 4 each 4′ length, and I actually hung this in a ‘corner’ of my room, a little over 4 feet out each way. One goes right to the edge of my window/curtains. The other goes to about 2.5′ from the door of my closet. In that open space stands my Japanese shoji lamp, which is tan and cream color. I like it so much I think I’m going to get this OM textile (which is a match to size and color scheme) and put it across from that in my room.

This drastically changes the feeling in the room, having what is basically 8′ x 7′ of wall covered with a tapestry of sorts instead of a white wall. (My room is 10×11.) It does make the room drastically smaller when looking that direction, for sure. But it changes the energy completely.

It reminds me a lot more of how my environment felt when I was really into metaphysics back in ’91-93 (that led into the ‘Bewilderness‘ era) when I did constant prayer and meditation, candles and incense. I always had things on the walls, beautiful fabrics and cloth posters etc.

Frankincense, myrrh, sandalwood, and nag champa are the only things I’ll touch for incense. I’m an incense snob! and at that it must be “real” stuff, not just the pretty smelling cheap stuff.

I decided (for some reason at the same time I decided I simply must have that up on my wall, which is about 80% of what I see sitting on my bed which is where I am most of the time) that I needed to reread the entire PSICHE blog, and begin a daily project of getting one thing, no matter how small, cleaned/organized/etc. in my room each day. First, the reading, as if to bring me up to date and start anew. So I dived in.

An interesting thing has changed.

I blog because I forget. I can read things for the 12th time, having utterly forgotten they ever existed. This is normal.

But this time, up until about Sep-Oct of 2011, I remembered it. Everything. There were a few that weren’t in my attention, but not a single thing I read surprised me or seemed mostly new. That is the first time I have ever read back on my blog and not been astounded at having forgotten most things utterly. And there is a TON of stuff here, going back many years, and yet NONE of it had fallen into that huge utter hole that it used to be nearly everything did, even after re-re-re-re-reading it for the 4th, 8th, even 12th time.

Unfortunately, as of around Oct 2011 or so, whenever it was that I began anew with IG, it was different, I forgot most of this. But, I didn’t forget it to the degree I used to. I didn’t read it as if it were almost written by someone else. It’s simply that I forgot it happened until I chanced on the blog post, but I generally remembered it once I started the post.

So something has changed in me, has improved. I consider this a big positive. Forgetfulness is one of my signs of denial and lack of integration.

As part of my re-read, I took notes on things that I felt were very important to consider, and copied a lot of the ‘conversation’ out that various identities have had with me. And of course I have some things to backtrack now that I’ve remembered the stuff from the last six months. My god.

And IG was so GOOD to me, too, giving me nearly a full visual of her, and so much awesome clear stuff. I could just kick myself for ignoring it all and refocusing on work again. It’s a good thing she is Angelic because I so totally and completely do not DESERVE her, she is so wonderful and I’m so horrible at this, I have the discipline of a 2 year old, like none. Gods.

Now it’s time for me to go eat some roast, make some red mud soup, go through the notes, and get my incense stuff together, and bring my wooden tiny table (TV trays we called them when I was a kid) into my room so I have someplace to put it. Ry took my chinese altar with incense stuff to put at the end of the hall a few months ago, so my thoughtform Four-statuette and incense and oils vanished, I must put some back for focus. Then I will meditate mildly and work on getting real sleep until work tomorrow, and tomorrow is a new day.

I get my reading/computer glasses from the optometrist tomorrow. Maybe there’ll be some good archetypal symbolism in that…

P

I still someday hope to have either a large kitchen or a somewhat combined room, not separated by a wall, where comfortable seating can slightly overlook the cooking area. I guess that will have to be added to the significant list of home-things that I occasionally daydream about but which the odds are pretty well against my ever having unless some belief system change significantly affects my wealth factor.

Now I have wall units and a huge hanging pot rack and so on… in a little 10×11 space and that includes all the appliances and counters and cabinets… my kitchen is nearly as crowded as most closets. The irony is that I seldom use my kitchen which has every gizmo I could want, and in fact maybe due to Leptin issues from being super-sized, have very little appetite at all. It just occurred to me that my kitchen is an interesting analogy to my body as I wrote that, but moving on…

I will not stand around bored, so the problem is, I walk away if I am not actively doing something. And my living room doesn’t have much in common with, well, rooms you live in — it is more a storage warehouse than a living room, which also just now occurs to me is a sort of analogy for my body, but again, moving on…

Walking away while dinner cooks is high on the list of “things most likely to cause you to space out and burn dinner.” Especially if, like me, you have one of those ‘focus’ attention spans. The minute I shift into paying attention to Thing-B, Thing-A falls  completely out of my universe. So if I walk back into my room where all my toys are (…) dinner is history.

In the name of getting all the way through a not-very-burned dinner, I put a folding chair in the kitchen. Now, when I’ve finished doing the immediate things–I can just sit down and wait, keeping an eye on the stove.

This has had all kinds of humorous side effects because for the most part, I am not DO-ing anything during this period. Which means that I am basically THINK-ing during that period.

I know. You were probably wondering what the hell this has to do with metaphysics, philosophy or meditation. Well, that’s it, you see. A good number of my most serious insights of the past have actually come to me during the rare moments when I was able to (a) shut the hell up and (b) stay still, at the same time, while NOT doing anything else.

I am thinking that in Palyne feng-shui, “a chair in the kitchen brings mystical insight.” Maybe this is how some of that offbeat stuff comes about.

*

Recently, I’ve been useless. Just working. Not meditating, not exercising, not even working on the dojo or Remote Viewing stuff, really not a damn thing of value to anybody for anything except the corporation that pays me, which is designed to function with me like a mutual tango but mostly functions like a sucking chest wound.

More concerning, I just… I lost it. A lot of it. The sense of grounding. Of balance. Of interest, frankly, in anything. Some time ago I had this insight about my closet and even some comments from the PO and both basically said I was losing it, would let go of it if my focus didn’t change. It didn’t change. And I let go, mostly, it appears.

I even lost my sense of ‘truth’ which is difficult to explain, but led to about 3 weeks recently of my having to really focus and carefully struggle not to find myself lying about everything, constantly–I mean exaggerations, and changes for the sake of whimsy or wording or entertainment on the fly, things like that. Like everything became completely flexible and irrelevant. It was so confusing, until I realized it was an anchor that I had lost. I didn’t use to have to TRY because the anchor was in place.

*

I have this visual or conceptual model of Truth as an energy in our world.

Imagine a sphere. Like the planet but a little smaller. It’s made of energy and it has this connection with everything that is ‘moving around’ on the surface–much ‘more luminous’ in the case of living things, and even moreso in the case of biological things–that is almost “magnetic” the way there is a clear connection and influence too, but things can move around without being physically connected (‘hardwired’). In fact, you know those little movies of the Sun, where those little filaments are always massively moving about on the surface? Well I think the sphere of truth here actually looks just like that, but on the energetic level.

Now on the surface level, the larger sphere, there is this… layer, or a few of them, that are pretty flat, what you might say is just like the surface of our planet. The layers are also connected to the energy sphere, but they are like a “skin” for it. They mostly keep the energy IN the way our skin keeps the heat and fluids in our bodies. There are some ‘orifices’ and areas where heat dissipates more, where the skin is thinner, or where energy from inside is released to the outside–or for some reason, just seems a lot more ‘available’. Key locations where energy is stronger. That is kind of like a ‘place’ that has a greater ‘anchoring connection’ to the energy-sphere of truth that is under the surface of the layers. You gotta reach “through” the surface layers to pull it up into this world.

I think people can be this. Can sort of help connect the energy, be inputs and outlets. Can spend enough time anchoring from the kundalini into the center of earth and from the crown into the center of the galaxy, like there is a  ’superstring’ that connects from somewhere around Sirius A to somewhere around earth’s core and it goes right through the middle of them and it is actually they who make this possible–who “hold the light” so to speak–whose focus connects the energy on either side through their middle. And when they move around on the surface of earth, it looks like those Tesla balls, where the lightning stays connected between two surfaces.

The ‘layers’ both thick and thin that area floating on the surface of the sphere, the ones that mostly-seal in the energy, I think of like “flotsam and jetsam” whatever that is. They are a world of their own. Maybe this is what some ancients would have called the world of illusion, that actually fits pretty well. Prior experiences related to Truth suggested that it’s not that the events of these layers are wrong or right, true or untrue. It’s more like they’re just not applicable either way.

These layers are most of ordinary life on the skin of the sphere. “I went shopping” and “it might rain today.” The things aren’t truth in the capital T, ‘connected with the energy of All That Is / I AM underneath.’  They are not lies though, the sudden increase in opacity and non-conductivity of a human, who gets closer to being a rubber stopper instead of a lightning rod the farther they are from Truth. Instead, those things are basically things that “belong to the skin world,” that exist within the layers or levels of that skin. Everything we think of that is ACCURATE — but is not ‘Truth’ — is here.

Another observation from a prior experience related to Truth, is that this is an energy which humans need because it literally feeds us on some level; but when people truly lose connection with it, the side-effect is a huge increase in how powerfully they focus on what is ‘accurate’ in that surface level. It’s like the surface-dimension of Truth, not the real thing but the closest thing they can get to it, so they just obsess on it. From the techno-jargon of RV lunatics to the over-literal of the scoffers in science, it’s easy to see around us.

To the degree we connect to the energy below and above, we are like trees. To the degree we merely operate in the floating flotsam levels of the skin, living slightly off the bare energy we can mine from the surface, we are more like skin mites, or just critters en masse wandering around on the skin with no particular affect.

OK that didn’t end up a very pretty picture in the end, but it matches how it’s intuitively modeled in me. The more ‘connected’ one is to Truth — to the energy of the core, the sphere that spawned our avatars, and to the energy of the source, the something that spawned all that is — the more one is like a tree, an ‘anchoring that goes deep’ and serves as the lightning rod in that Tesla universe, a connecting point, a “conductive” point. One brings energy from below up into this world of the skin, the surface illusion of sorts. One even brings energy from above down into it. Ideally, one pulls in both and they blend in the human and then… that human is like a beacon, a light. I didn’t really mean this in a poetic or new age way but in a pretty literal if metaphysical way — but I guess it works.

Maybe, real evolution is of the entire layer, bringing sufficient energy, conductivity, to the flotsam/jetsam skin-like layers that the opacity and sealing is finally burned through so to speak, and suddenly the luminous energy of the core has come fully through, and then everything is energy — and the sphere is a little bit bigger.

If the Four et al. hadn’t put so much of the cosmos as a model in my tiny little brain, I would not have this problem where nearly everything I model eventually ends up sounding more like cosmology than spirituality. Like they’re the same thing.

*

Well I realized I had lost my anchoring to Truth. Not saying I was any kind of wise outpost to begin with frankly but I could feel it, at least. I never realized quite how much I felt it until I lost it.

I actually noticed I was missing something but I couldn’t articulate it. And I was tired and burned out on work and not paying enough attention anyway. Maybe I’d still be wondering, if the first side effects of losing the anchor hadn’t become more apparent all the sudden, when my “integrity in communications” suddenly collapsed and I found myself distorting nearly everything I said in some way. Some people would say it doesn’t matter, because it was little stuff, I wasn’t really lying about anything of import, some might even argue it was merely a ‘phrasing’ or a ‘reframing’ in many cases.

It matters.

Every time I would notice it, it would startle me and I would realize it was all over in my life, that my words were creating a layer of chaos, like “white noise” of verbage, of sound, was the energetic effect. Finally I realized that under the surface of attention, I had seldom had to “try” before because the connection was automatic, the integrity was automatic, that near-’magnetic’ connection to some energy underneath, ‘reaching through and under’ to pull up what IS in capitals… that was gone.

I noticed and didn’t do anything about it. It got a little worse. And then one day, I ‘felt for Truth’ which is difficult to explain — and I couldn’t feel it. Not even with TRYING anymore. It was like I was in a boat lost at sea, chaotically thrown about the surface with no anchor.

It occurred to me this might be how a lot of people feel all the time. I noticed with mild curiosity that things ‘from this level’ which caused me some kind of emotion suddenly became a bigger deal, something I sought out more. I realized the word “shallow” fits pretty well here. I could easily see myself sliding into one of those people who just works and watches sitcoms and news and focuses on nothing but things in this skin-world. It felt distant.

Like some deeper parts of me were screaming to get out but I had them firmy locked into that soundproof recording booth with their faces pressed to the glass and their fists pounding and mouths moving had no effect on me at all.

*

I started praying constantly. “Divine Will!” I would call like someone’s name, my mind would say it without me, dragging me into the prayer as if more than me were involved and someone else was starting it, and then I would beg to be pulled back into the line, back into ‘alignment with my superstring’ as I sometimes think of it. I still didn’t really feel it. But I prayed like this many times a day anyway.

I had nearly a voice–a ‘translates as that’ effect anyway–speak to me one day. I wrote it down and can’t find that now but it said something like, “A ship is not supposed to sail without a rudder.” And there were these concepts wound in, like that was actually the ‘translation’ of a whole thoughtball that came through symbolically. Showing how I would let myself go without the sense of ‘connection to a fundamental intent for direction from underneath’. I recognized it as feeling similar to the ‘blown about on the surface’ feeling I’d had previously… it was essentially the same thing.

I went back to praying. I still felt not much if anything during it, though.

I remembered someone (on the inside) once suggesting to me that the effort to break through, to feel, to make hard meditations happen, was necessary. That some things took genuinely REALLY TRYING on my part, that the emotional Oomph of frustration of really reaching in, of staying with it adamantly, was important, was simply necessary in order to make it all happen.

Maybe that’s what this means, I thought to myself. I’ve lost truth. I can’t feel prayer. It’s like I’m in spiritual purgatory, caused by not paying attention. You get what you focus on. Great. So I’ve got a lot of digital production for my job in my life. I just don’t have anything under that skin-world surface. But why? Why create that?

*

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I understood it, mostly, when I woke up.

In the dream there was a man who was a son, and he had about a dozen people with him (the Aeons and the 3rd, I believe that’s my symbols). They/we were in this multi-storied house (my body and energy body). And they were doing something, he was trying, but it was letting massive water in (spirit/energy, that is my symbol). And that was how it was supposed to work, actually, but he hadn’t finished preparing the house for it.

The house was getting these deep major cracks in it, which I associated with the rifts that come into ice shelves before they start calving off. I needed to tell him that he couldn’t just go under water yet, and he couldn’t have that much water in his house without preparing it more first, it would be a disaster, the structure was just not of sufficient integrity to hold it.

I woke up understanding that this was telling me that my body and energy body were not ready for the kind of applied metaphysics I wanted to do; my structure did not have the integrity, which has more than one level of meaning of course; and that this was, in part, an answer to “why”: why my focus changed.

Because I could choose to focus on the growth I needed for that integrity. Or not. And I chose not, apparently.

So, a short ways down the road, I just realized the path I’d taken.

*

Last night I was staring into space. Sitting in the kitchen on the folding chair with nothing to do for awhile. Not really thinking of anything. Then I idly began thinking about, Why did this happen, when I know that I was so focused on good things before? Why am I lost in the void? Work isn’t coincidence. If my reality sucks me into work like a whirlpool, I’m causing that on some level. Why is it sucking me in? Why don’t I have a reality focused instead on my many other areas of life–creativity and stuff?

I thought idly of the most major thing in my spiritual life that I’ve avoided. It comes back in massive, overwhelming dreams and even meditation stuff sometimes, and I move on. It’s the Senior. His energy. I’m not integrated with it and I’m in avoidance of it. In practice, in the symbols of the skin-world, this is leadership, this is accepting responsibility. I don’t know that it would actually mean having to DO that in practice in this reality (which I used to assume), but that is the energy.

I am the service. I have gone through that. The 3rd is the courage, the action, Captain and Explorer, and other things. I have gone through that, via him. He is my Aries, I sometimes think. The Queen is the compassion and passion, the healer and creator and other things. I have gone through that, via her. The Senior is I AM. He’s… well, he’s the King. He’s the God of our Four, even though of course we are only facets of other larger things.

So far, I have run into rejecting that energy, running away, and having some sudden close encounter with him and then my world literally or figuratively falls apart. The day my inner world dramatically changed without my having anything to do with it that I could feel, was right after I saw him more clearly than I felt I ever had. The time I had that horrible ‘crucifixion’ archetypal experience with the Four was just after I had seen him more closely–and it was his energy I worked with months later when I finally was able to drag myself into the wasteland of my inner world, and Brin and my IG of the time managed to piece me back together again. I think there are other things, my mind tells me that there are “recurring cycles” of this that I have been oblivious to but were the same energy pattern.

There was  a dream once that I blogged. Where a zillion times over and over, as if I experienced it in a countless number of probability ways based on lives in this world, “the Christ came unto me” and I “understood” that it was my destiny to take a leadership role in a given situation (music, war, business, family, community, everything imaginable was in the dream). I only realize now while writing this, that this was not just the Senior’s energy. This is the energy of THE FOUR of us — all of those worlds, those energies, those identities — combined. I have avoided the Four, after all these years, because I was to the point (long ago) where I needed to finish integrating the energy of the Senior. I’ve avoided this… so I’ve avoided them.

I shrugged, sitting in the kitchen. Ah so what. Ok I’m not ready for that particular energy yet. So what does this affect? It means I don’t do as well or whatever I likely would/should/could in my physical life, right. So instead of doing something meaningful for a living I’m managing production of e-Widgets. Or whatever.

*

And after another little bit sitting mindlessly in the chair, I understood it finally. I never thought of this before.

This sounds so simple but it affected me so profoundly that I was clutching my gut and feeling slightly sick, not so much nauseated as if someone had literally just “punched me in the gut” and almost knocked the wind out of me.

Not integrating with Senior has implications far beyond what I do in daily life or for work. It is a required integration before certain degrees of strength, integrity, and further growth can occur.

Attempting to continue work, like with the Largers, while not accepting this and learning from it and working through it, is not just poor timing, it’s deadly. Physically. Even spiritually at least in the sense of literally ‘cracking into pieces” and all the work it would take to put myself back together–possibly a zillion more lives before I get back to the point of consciously knowing my Aeons and the Four, for example.

Some of them are heavy in his energy and they will “calve off” like the ice shelves, not accessible to me so directly anymore, if I don’t step back in the ring and walk into that energy.

I am in “cognitive dissonance.” That’s why I’m creating a reality where I work all the time. Where even when I’m not working, I’m a space cadet. The PO warned me way back when, and he was right. That I could end up walking away. Losing connections I had made.

There comes a time on any path where you can’t just stay still. You have to make a commitment. You are already in motion, in momentum, and the road moves too. If you don’t choose the high road, let’s call it in this analogy, you are still by default making a choice for the other road.

I’m on the other path, somewhere down the road, and the one I know I want to be on is barely in sight in the distance. I need to go back to the fork and make a conscious decision. It means some backtracking but if I don’t want to continue on this road, where I get further and further from feeling any ‘connection’ to Truth, to the Divine, to my Aeons, to the Four, almost none of whom I even think about any more and which seem like distant fiction most the time… I have to go back and deal with Senior’s energy. I have to resolve the cognitive dissonance. Because it forces denial, avoidance.

I can’t feel it. But I understand that’s part of the side-effect of what I’ve done to myself. Nothing feels physical or real anymore.

*

Fortunately for the sake of my destiny, I put a folding chair in the kitchen.

P