In figure skating, it doesn’t matter how gloriously you can leap and spin and even flip; if you can’t do the 8′s so perfectly you score at the top of the big list of entrants, you’re not going to get to the figure skating part.

I feel like there is some corollary (analogy?) to this in metaphysics. Like, you’ve got to get some basics down–or simply have them innately, as some people seem to–like chakra health for example–before you stand a chance at truly exploring your potential.

Last night I was late for my midnight meeting with IG. I kicked myself all through 20 minutes of lateness, arguing fiercely inside about whether it mattered, and of course it did, and how stupid as long as I get to it, and look it’s a commitment so it’s the moral of it, and so on, until I finally was so disgusted at the internal debate about it–replete with almost-voices like my whole consortium of Aeons were split on it, I felt like I was in the middle of an entire crowd of people arguing–that I just closed my computer and started.

But first, I wanted to do the cleansing and chakra ritual. I figured if I do it repeatedly I’ll build up the thoughtform and get faster at it and it’s a good lead-in as it helps get my brain state calmed down some from the computer work.

Unfortunately, I never finished. I didn’t feel much connection to the chakra effort, I made more effort, I kept getting completely distracted in my thoughts, and in the end, fell asleep before I got halfway through. This morning I insisted to myself that I continue this, for the moral of it, until I was done. I had about the same results as last night, and although I can now say officially I ‘got through’ a chakra med, the hours of effort seem less worthy than many efforts I’ve made doing the same thing that lasted 30 seconds, and I never did get to meditating with IG.

I once made Nero (I think it was) laugh when I asked him if I was a punishment assignment. I’m starting to feel like that again!

PJ

Recently while minding my own business I had the abrupt realization that earth is a BODY. That the layers of atmosphere are the equivalent of perceiving layers of energy fields just like we have. Since I already think of planets as sentient I don’t know why I found this idea startling. Or, well, I do: because to me, bodies are like what I have called bodies my whole life. Things with limbs and tentacles are bodies. Uber-gargantuan rocks with landscape are not. I know how ridiculous this is: somehow I have managed to have interactive rapport with count them TWO planets–as well as some things like a cave, a tornado–and yet still managed to be totally oblivious to the concept that a planet might be a body.

I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I talked to my kid about it for awhile. We know of all the microscopic life forms on our own bodies. Imagine what tornadic-like destruction we cause just by scratching the skin on a forearm. How does earth ‘scratch’, or does it?  A person can eat a given thing or touch a given thing and get a rash–but in a different place. Or have joints ache–nowhere near the ingestion point. Does a strip-mine for 30 years in Chile eventually result in a sudden tornadic scratch in Missouri? Are earth events such as earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, hurricanes, simple health side-effects the planet is having, from the larger picture of viewing earth overall as a body?

I showed her pictures online of manmade mining pits, like great gouging wounds in the earth. We imagined the analogy of having microscopic colonies of critters living on you that did this much damage to you, and how we might react to that, and what it might mean for our health. I showed her some mysteries that are thought to be impact craters and maybe they are, although ancient war is not off my list of possibilities. ‘Natural’ or at least not recently made oddities. We looked at some other recent accidental oddities like ‘sinkholes’.

I thought of ‘Captain of the Guard’ and my experience with a region of cells in my torso somehow appearing to have/be or at least come across to me as, an entire people, a tiny little world. To this day my mind is slightly blown by that, and that was what, 17 years ago. I’m a little slow apparently.  I thought of how coming into any city by airplane looks like a circuit board at night, and the highways like little ant trails by day. What is there to really separate us from these things? It it merely that with our close-up view, the ‘collections of atomic particles’ around us look like Jane, and a pickup truck?  To some consciousness only able to see things at the size of a city and that with their equivalent of an electron microscope, are we just not real?  Meaningless quarks assigned to no meaning at all?  Considered too small, comparatively, to ‘count’ as anything?

What if earth is one organ in a body larger?  Or one cell in a planet larger? What if the galaxy is actually a cell? Or a chakra? What if we are the equivalent of skin-mites?

***

I get a lot of ‘realizations’ in the shower, always have. I guess it’s just a nice place to feel separated from everything and to focus on thinking about things that make me go “Hmmmn.” Yesterday we watched that movie “the Green Lantern,” in 3D. Based on the old Marvel Comic book series.

Now, this was the old comic book plot so yellow was the color of fear and green was the color of will. Actually, all true colors are colors of power. Yellow associates with Will in the chakraic teachings and green with love. I have felt a few hundred shades of green ‘feed me’ in spring like it affected my heart and whole body. I have often seen the forehead chakra’s cobalt blue color and sometimes the throat chakras’ azure clarity. I’ve only seen the crown chakras’ violet in a couple of different experiences and it might be an assumption as it wasn’t tied to it there it was just a color involved there.

I once had an experience where I could feel colors I saw inside my body and actually they were all over–repetitive, but not as localized as the chakra colors would make you think. And a bush of deep red roses whacked my heart so intensely I gasped and swayed from the physical shock of it. Even though in the chakra models, red is the base.

Anyway, when it comes to color, I’ve seen that fear interacts with the whole spectrum, for a whole spectrum of fear-involved colors, which you can recognize and it would probably not surprise you to see them and be told they are a color ‘influenced by or permeated with fear.’ Like intuitively I think maybe people kinda get this.

The more important part of that is the realization that fear is merely an energy just like any tarot card energy-attribution would be, and so, that energy while a thing of its own also has, and creates, a whole spectrum of what amounts to its energy as interactive with each of the others.

I saw some of this in an old post The Wall of Fear (from Red Cairo, though the follow up is here in Psiche).

Finally I felt that most of my primary fear had been projected into this thoughtform-box and I could now step back and consider it.

There was way too much for the box; it had a real density/intensity as a result. So I imagined that it spread out into a maybe 12″ thick whole ‘wall’ of clear stasis-container. Imagine if a fish tank were floor to ceiling, an entire wall, and about a foot deep, it looked like that. And all the energy was “roiling”—that word came to mind—inside. There were a zillion shades and textures and densities and more.

I found myself just left of center, looking at this yellow-red area and somehow I “knew” that this was the fear related to cowardice. I thought that was curious, given the yellow and wondered if that human association had some good reason for the color it turns out. I walked to the right a little and, like a wall-sized spectrum, it blended into light orange-red, that was a sort of fear of self expression (I associated this with ‘creative fear’). Onward to dark orange-red and it became fear that linked into the core of my ego (my ‘focus personality’ as Seth would put it).

When it reached bright red-red the fear was merely outright terror: no association, no shading, nothing but fear itself (and maybe fear-of-fear). I continued walking to the right and looking into the clear wall, and the energy, still ‘roiling’ everywhere of course, turned into a sort of red-blue. It felt literally like this was a sort of conscious-”ouchie” bruise sort of fear, like hurt feelings and fear related to things like my looks or my social status and things like that. This blended gradually into a dark, red-purple area of hues, which felt like “deep old wounds” that had never healed, like fear resulting from things that somehow had caused my heart great injury over time. I was at the far wall now, so I turned and walked back to just left of center where I began.

Looking at the yellow-red, I went left then, and the colors shaded into a sort of light muddy red-brown and then darker and darker brown. I felt that this was fear that was filled with biological toxins, essentially fear that if properly vented would be a flu-style bathroom experience, and although all the other shades so far, I had felt were variants on fear-energy, this felt literally like “trash-toxin,” something that was not really any energy that needed to be redeemed, but rather, something that just flat-out needed to be vented out of me.

Moving farther to the left, the brown shaded into actual black, and this was really just horrible. My sense was that this was literally toxic in the manner of being disease, on every level, rotting putrid blackness that was beyond mere ‘vent this out please’ and in need of a HAZMAT crew.

I stepped back then and looked at the entire “wall of fear”, with the bright red-red in center and the whole spectrum from left to right. It was a rather odd feeling, to sense that so much of my fear was literally spread out in front of me. I had the feeling that if I were a little better with conscious inner work, I would be able to look into any little part of the wall and focus in and actually ’see’ events that had led to or generated the energy in that place.

It was waaaaaay too much to deal with all at once though. I asked IG and the Senior if it would be possible and ok for me to literally leave my fear “in stasis,” similar to how my friend had had it. One of them led me to understand that I could do this, but if I did it indefinitely I would have really severe reality and/or health problems from it, so this had to be a very short term thing. I agreed to that. I just wanted to go off and think about it some and ponder on a way of approaching “dealing with” that much stuff at once.

So I closed the meditation. It was time to go view then.

To start my viewing, I always visualize anchoring my kundalini and solar plexus in the core of the earth, and then in the center of galaxy from my crown, and then I imagine the ’string’ of energy from one to the other has me, like a shish-ka-bob (haha), and that my spine alines with it. This is no big deal, just about 7-10 seconds on average. So I “sunk me into the core” and realized…

…it felt different. It was like there was no-feeling. Normally when I do this, I feel some vague sense of relief, and a grounding, and an actual affection, for myself as part of earth so to speak, like I am anchoring with mother-energy. As I wondered why it suddenly felt so different, a sort of “insight” came to me, about myself and this process:

The good emotions are actually a side-effect of chronic low-level fear of being separated from self, from that which is part of me. As my fear was held in stasis at that moment, the other emotions didn’t follow-on, and I was able to understand that dynamic. I had this sort of reminder -insight: All fear is based on fear of separation from self.

***

Off and on my mind has played with the “Love is the Law, Love Under Will” phrase. I ‘saw’ this; it is the literal meaning of the Unicursal Hexagram, I mean every geometry actually has a meaning, not all nearly so clear in translation, but that is that one. I understand this is real and the power for our species for our planet, the proper focus you might say.

But in the chakraic body, love is above will, not under it. Although I have tried to interpret this as merely meaning that love must be directed by it. Still it has felt like I am missing something. Like that isn’t really wrong, it just isn’t right for the right reasons, or something like that.

I remembered two things, while in the shower recently. One was from nearly a year ago, when I had been reading lots of old writings and leaning hard on the Four inside me to help me understand. I woke up at 4:30am with it in my head, a few days later, like it had finally all gotten cohesively together and the timer rang, ding! stick a fork in it, it’s done. I was babbling in the dark (I was in a hotel with my best friend and kid for her birthday) about how we are cosmology and all the ancient stories are about cosmology and our translating them to human terms is retarded and so on. One of many notes that were part of the third of three overall understandings was:

Our true self is connected with our higher self and divine will. Our relationship with our heart chakra and the ‘Will of the containing identity [higher self]‘ IS ‘our relationship with the Sun’.

At the time I was only thinking about the aspect of this that quite literally ties our bodies to our solar bodies–the lightbeings that appear to wear us like small suits–to our Sol, the Sun, our galaxy’s planetary body. But at the same time I thought of this, I also remembered from a meditation I blogged (on Tarot Ace of Disks, but I was talking to the Sun archetype), being counseled about my irate temper in meditations:

“The Will is the strength, but the sword is love, not anger. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I’ve been really angry and accomplished things like that before!” I disputed, arguing.

“It supported your Will in part, but the tool was love,” he said. “You accomplished something on those occasions despite your anger, not because of it.”

and for whatever reason, these pieces fit together in my head all the sudden, and I “grokked”:

It is MY love, under HIS will.

My… whatever you call it. Higher self, HGA, blue eyes of soul, solar body, whatever. That is what “Love is the law, love under will” means.  It is the will of the Sun, our divine will, under which our primal-connection, the navel of our connection which connects most strongly to our body and earth’s body based on the nature of our being–our ‘love’ energy, heart chakra primary–that is the “formula.” That is the most fundamental path of power.

I wondered if, like an idea I once heard about aliens, our heart chakra kind of ‘overlapped with’ the solar body’s third chakra. His will, our love, connected.

That made me think of my perception of chakras as being entities and ‘tunneling through’ many identities (all ‘us’, they connect us) at that chakra point.

Maybe, oblivious as we are so we’d never know it, but maybe that pattern is actually just part of something larger. Maybe there is a ‘spectrum’ of entities which are components of a larger self, and we actually connect via each entities’ primary center. Like how I was shown that for humans it is the heart but that it is different for other kinds of creatures. Maybe for the kind of creatures our solar bodies are, the center is the Will. But maybe there’s a creature for whom it’s creativity, behind that, connected to their will, and maybe behind that one is another creature for whom it is the base, raw manifesting power like the first chakra. And maybe in front of us there is an entity for whom it is the throat chakra, the Word, and then the Ajna for visualization and then the crown for connecting with the octave, like plugging back into the other side of the overall source. Maybe the power of the larger identity that is composed of us all, manifests through ALL of us plugged into each other you might say so they have the whole octave, so to speak. Maybe THEIR evolution is comprised of our evolution and getting those things clear in each component.

I was dreaming just now (fell asleep writing this, sitting in bed with lapto). I was dreaming. “I get that this [a chakra] is the Themelian chop-off point,” I was saying to I think the 3rd, “but — ” and then I woke up super abruptly, feeling like he woke me up so I would HEAR that, would remember what I had just said. Of course, if I had any idea which chakra, or who the “Themelians” area (the-MEEL’-ians), that would have helped…

I have the feeling that in some other language the ‘Th’ at the front of that is represented by one letter and is not quite so “soft and fat” as it sounds in our version. No idea what that has to do with anything really. I do think I was referring to the heart but I’m not sure. I was lying back praying when I passed out, praying to one of everybody nearly, to help me communicate with and understand and allow work with chakras and better integration with divine will and especially connection to heart chakra. ‘Chop-off’ seems a rather brutal way of putting it.

It felt like some… some people or species… they just ended right there, like they came through and were surprisingly large in our chest at times but didn’t normally extend very much outward themselves though energy could — the “chop-off” term was mine and as usual I was being kind of irritatingly over-exaggerating I suppose. Like they came through — oh. Yeah. Like ‘tunneling through at that point’. I think it was the heart chakra and those are the… uh… the chakra-beings. They are like a horizontal species, hahaha. (I’m surprised their name is even translate-able. I mean, the Largers names’ aren’t.)

They exist from the bottom to the top of the heart chakra though they reach up a little in each outlet (person) to meet the download reaching of the crown, meeting at the chakra just above (in me, the upper chest where The Four connect with me, the ‘secret key’ of zero or nothingness, the hidden sephiroth, various concepts I’ve gotten for that over time). The species is of course existent in that range of frequency which is not just about humans (though it extends like a bandwidth through us, we are more vertical so to speak) it’s a whole part of the universe. That is their reality.

I could be wrong about this. I regularly assume and then screw up what something means at first or who it is or whatever. But that’s my impression for now. That I fell asleep praying about, in specific, understanding and opening up to the heart chakra and the 3rd woke me up so I could have some conscious info about what we were working on.

***

To my annoyance earlier, I couldn’t find the quotes I wanted and had to re-read a ton of entries looking for them. I came upon some things I had totally forgotten, and when I did, felt as if I were ‘supposed to’ find this stuff and that’s why I hadn’t found what I needed first. I’m getting superstitious.

[Shortly after I met one of the Largers, I had a powerful dream, which led to realizations, including:] …this dynamic needs a specific meditation focus, this dream symbol needs an archetype med, because that is all energy unresolved. [I understood that similar to the profound energy problem with Jared & El Nino that was tied to (but not limited to) an event, that when I had resolved that energy something fundamentally mucking up my whole life all my life had just gone away... that this dream I'd had and the understanding that it was symbolic yet based on something real was kind of a gift in a way -- something the Larger had seen in my pattern when looking into the part of himself that is me, something having life-wide repercussions for me that I need to deal with.]

and

I remembered that I used to meditate on, “What am I most avoiding that I most need to deal with? I want to meditate on that.”

and

…I finally had the presence of mind to ask IG for whatever archetype could best help me work through this meditation.

and when I asked the Four (mainly 3) what mattered most about my choices in life (was watching a violent movie and eating bad popcorn something they would tell me to avoid?) they said:

What matters more is that you “live”. Keep your attention fully in the present, as completely as possible. Let experience come about and come to you, and meet it with real interest and clear integrity.

I felt as if these four things were important for me to find. Once I had found them, I felt as if I had found what I needed. Then I promptly found the quotes I needed.

***

So, I’ve notice the last several years that a lot more of what is normal for my inner life is starting to appear in motion pictures in my outer life. I think the first I saw like that was a cable TV show called VR.5 which was as close to using archetype-world-based-psychic-work as anything I have ever seen. Got a little funky and paranoid at the end (when will writers learn that the minute you get into the ‘big picture paranoia’ it spiral-devolves?) but all through the rest it was rather amazing.

There was Inception, and the second Tron, and The Green Lantern, and several others that are all about “intentionally creating your reality” in an interactive framework that is often very archetypal. It works amazingly like how it actually works, internally, which I find curious, and here’s why:

I can’t help but notice that humanity, more and more, is obsessed with visualizing the end of the world. I mean literally the destruction of our species. It’s almost like the special effects industry is 98% geared to that kind of thing, to mass destruction. It seems unlikely that given we DO create our reality and individual and mass level, that this would not be having some effect.

But something else you see in the human species since the dawn of time we know about, is an amazing level of “survival adaptation.” In Bewilderness at the end one of my theories was that while on one hand humanity has become its greatest danger to itself in so many ways, that on the other hand, humanity was also starting to show the ‘side effects’ of what amounts to the EMERGENCE of a property in humanity which could in fact SAVE our species — from itself. Literally, that we are manifesting both sides of the spectrum, simultaneously.

Will our drive for mass destruction trump our awakening awareness of how to manage energy and probability internally to affect our reality?

I feel as if these background changes are going on with humanity, that we are as a larger species evidencing both polarities, and movies are this rather interesting visual meter of humanity’s focus.

P

My best friend says he thinks spiritual seeking and meditating ought to make a person more peaceful or something. That seems reasonable and right to me.

In some respects I feel vastly more grounded, more solid in areas I can only call honor and integrity and recognition for all life, closer to God and ‘divinity’, and other things I don’t even have words for.

On the other hand, I feel pretty regularly like all that I know, all that I am, has just had its ass kicked and its fallen to pieces and I have to reassemble myself again. This has a ‘stress’ response.

And an increase ‘resistance’ response to every other change, even of-mind, no matter how small. Then I feel better but I do more meditating and then it starts over again.

Stress = others perceiving you as unhappy. You are not relaxed, not happy go lucky, not as easy to laughter, not as patient or tolerant.

So they wanna know, if you’re doing all this work on yourself, why don’t you seem happy instead of stressed?

I don’t know. I don’t know how to merge my actual experience, with the idea that personal growth should make us all happier.

I’m tempted to think that Jungian explorers, shamans and the like, on the “personal individuation” path, might have as much constant shattering of identity for larger rebuilds, etc. as anything. It’s not quite the same as sitting around meditating on nothingness.

***

I’ve known a couple people when I was a teen who were Olympic hopefuls. One of the notable things about them was that while they might have been happy internally–they had their own humor, laughter, appreciation, etc.–to most people around them, they seemed “so serious” all the time. They wouldn’t party, they didn’t kick back, they were so focused, so disciplined, and they didn’t care a lot about anything else. They couldn’t. I mean there is only so much energy/focus a person has and when they put all of it toward something, most of the rest of the world becomes secondary.

People seemed to think that it was so neat that they were doing that stuff at that level, like they’d be rollicking good fun and cool to hang with, but in person they were pretty much no fun at all. If they wanted to be a kayak rower then either you’re a kayak or another rower or you’re a little peripheral to their life.

I’m not comparing myself to olympic hopefuls, only to the aspect that when you really focus on something, pretty much every day, then whatever stress, focus, injury, or side-effects that practice gives you, is going to dominate your life. People who really liked you when you were doing other things may not have so much in common with you now.

***

This is oddly humorous, but a lot of the improvement in my general sense of well-being the last couple of years, has actually manifested as my being a lot more intolerant of people and stuff around me. Not because I am more distressed by it but because I have much more “sense of self” than I used to; I am less willing to put up with it.

Thing is, I mostly don’t really care how others feel about that. Not because I don’t care about them, because I usually do. But because it is simply not open for question, I know I have the rights, so I don’t ask permission nor forgiveness. It’s my life so what I feel is right for me, is simply the way it will be.  I never was that way before. The last couple years of my development have given me that. My focus has changed. I think it is for the better in a big way. But that’s because my goals have a lot more to do with self-awareness than anything else. To others, who find themselves wanting significant blocks of my time focused on them, I know I seem more callous, more self-centered.

I am. I’m just not sure that’s a bad thing. It took me nearly 45 years to develop the ability to put myself first, mostly anyway. I see it as a feature not a bug. ;-)

***

Anyway. So as a result of the inner work I do that I blog here, it’s a subtle thing, but I am often rather stressed.

Sometimes that just means a little less patient or resilient. Sometimes it means less tolerance for specific things: for example I have a lot less patience with my own whining lately. I can’t tell you how many paragraphs I have deleted from every blog post, my journal and many emails, because it amounted to whining in my perception. It’s not that it’s not real or fair. It’s simply that I feel that focus is not constructive. I can feel that energies I have adopted — that would mean identities — more of, are part of that.

I seem to have less absorption ability of it with others as well. Coworkers or kid for example. I don’t feel any less compassionate. If anything, moreso perhaps than I used to. I simply feel less inclined to give room to that focus, or to dedicate my time for it. To others I am less caring. To me it’s an unsurprising side-effect of some damn hard internal work, and a “readjustment of priorities” when it comes to personal focus.

So I am working very hard, most the time, on self awareness. On wherever that leads. But I apparently don’t seem peaceful and happy to everyone else.

If we were expecting dedicated meditation to bring on the Kumbaya singing, it hasn’t happened yet.

P