Consciously I want to evolve.
My ego resists and I forget.
I blog, re-read, remember.
So I blog for me, mostly.
I have found that:
- → sincere and regular prayer
- → genuinely good intentions
- → present-focus, "interest"
- → extended sense of humor
- → honesty, sharing, healing
- → constant work to discover and release bias in oneself
- →
dogged (to the extreme) effort to pursue awareness and understanding
Leads a person to "interactive insight from the inside." We only grok by going through. Spiritual growth is like all others: you absorb, become aware, and via love (sympathetic rapport and desire to become or absorb) and will (directed intent), that energy becomes part of your singular sense of identity. The 'growth' is in awareness, and with that comes power which is always over Self. Diversity is Legion; Singularity is the I AM. None of this is new or unique. It's simply "unconscious and slow" for most people. I figure I can't help doing it, so I would rather do it well than badly. Darkness is not of the Nothingness. It is not the opposite of light, as it only exists within the realm of light itself. Darkness is just something-ness lacking color. The universe is fundamentally of light, and darkness fails to hold dominance and fails to understand why: its nature precludes it: awareness itself makes all identities children of the light.
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Posted by Palyne on 2010.12.01 I attempted to do a med on Nero and my body last night but it just didn’t happen. Then I attempted to do one on why Pazyryk asked me why my legs wouldn’t talk to him, and the sudden perception I had when he said that, that I was standing right on the edge of this giant rounded canyon I was afraid of falling into so I stepped back quickly. I didn’t really get that done either, but did pray about it for a bit, I just spaced out in the middle of that is all. This morning I attempted to continue that, though I don’t feel I got anywhere.
Then I talked with IG. I realized for a moment, that the more aware I get, the more I will realize that letting IG drive these efforts is always the ideal meditation decision. I told her I saw this, but that I like the happy delusion that I have some clue WTF is going on which I only get when I say what I want to work on.
I considered asking her to drive a brief med before work, and then thought with some inner whining, but I never have ‘tangibility’ with her meds. Then I ‘remembered’ a zillion meds she has driven that have been the most perceptual/tangible meds I’ve done, and realized that just because SOME of them, I don’t do so well with–probably because it’s stuff I really need and I don’t yet relate well to it–I’ve
Read the full article at IG med Dec01
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/ig-med-dec01/
Posted by Palyne on 2010.12.01 When updating tags/categories, I found this draft from December 1, 2010. Thought I’d publish it.
After the Senior introduced me to the consortium for the first time, once I was finally able to work with a couple of them just a little, I had a session with Nero and Inner Guide, inside the Tower with The Four.
July 2006 …the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally “let go of the part of myself that is that knife” and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy.
More recently (last year or two) I had this note, from a talk with Nero:
And what do you work with me on again? (I felt myself ‘resisting’ and ‘blocking’ in the lower right of my torso. I can’t explain how/why I felt it there but I knew I wouldn’t be able to “hear” him if he told me. I felt as if he ‘changed tactics’ upon us mutually realizing this.)
I just recently realized how odd that is, that twice, years apart and forgotten, I have specifically seen some ‘issue’ related to him and that specific portion of my body.
Read the full article at Nero in My Body
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/nero-in-my-body/
Posted by Palyne on 2010.11.28 I feel as if most of two months ‘off’ meditating is something I really needed. Like I was ‘overtraining’, spiritually. The arrival of the Largers in me really kicked my ass. I feel so much better now. Like I am ready for a new cycle.
I think I actually dreamed I blogged something that I didn’t, very recently, since I find no trace of it. By the time I realized I had not ‘really’ blogged it, it was too late and I’d forgotten it. That’s kinda funny.
As I was told to simply give them names, I have named the three Largers. Dominon (dahm’-ee-non), Pazyryk (Pa-zsur’-ik), and Rahleon (rah-lee’-on). The first one’s name sounds a little like what I’d come up with originally that I got laughed at for, sort of. And to me has some of the big/dominating element. The second is the name of an ancient people that the aspect of him I see, seems like he could be from. And the third is just a made up word, for the sun and a lion, which is a little of how I perceive him.
My sex drive has pretty much tripled from the time of their arrival. I thought it was some weird phase that would pass but it’s been a couple of months and it hasn’t yet. It’s almost shocking. And since I’m single it’s a little bit frustrating of course. My physical energy in general is slightly higher as well, though not so much that I
Posted by Palyne on 2010.10.24 I haven’t meditated in what feels like forever. I didn’t for awhile, and then the last time I tuned into the Four, the 3rd started talking about the things I’m calling Sylph, and I didn’t remember any of the important part right after, and I felt pissed off about it for days.
Maybe because it felt like it’s boring as dirt with them for so long and then the minute I sort of disconnect, they get interesting.
Maybe because I’d like to make contact with something I can at least touch and see and get something useful out of the relationship.Why couldn’t they connect me with the devics of cats or rocks or something. I do appreciate that since I’d actually sort of communicated with those creatures before, albeit I assumed “it was my imagination,” that maybe it seemed I’d absorb that better or whatever. Still. I’m reminded of how part of my brain, it wants to know what good any of this is doing me.
Maybe because when Senior and the Queen showed me how I was fighting fiercely against everything the 3rd was trying to bring through to me, I realized how unspiritual and unevolved I am. Compared to them I’m a complete dolt.
Maybe it’s because I realized that my less than ideal self affects not just me but them too, and I’m pissed about the obligation. I want access to everything but responsibility for none of it, apparently.
*
Speaking of what feels like forever, a
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.24 I had a ‘sponsored realization’ as I call them, during one of those tiny ‘conversational’ events lately, one of the incredibly rapid interactions that I tend to realize just after they’ve finished. I don’t remember the details, only the end result in concept.
I wonder if this also applies to all of reality as we know it, but I find the idea so disturbing I will assume not.
It does sort of relate to the subjective reality idea, but far too literally I think!
It related to what is really going on when I communicate with a Larger, an Aeon, the Four, whatever. It’s not… it’s not what I think it is, or how I have thought of it. It is wholly subjective. Wait, let me articulate it better.
Let us say that me and Nero are having a conversation, doesn’t matter about what. Then maybe we did a breathing exercise together. That essentially is just an ‘energetic event’ in objective terms.
In other words, to him, we did not have that conversation. But that energy, that attention, that relationship, that interaction, that energy, it is part of something that is part of both of us, that we share, although we each experience it our own way.
Now in his life, it might result in him having a conversation with me, at some other time, but a completely different one. It might merely blend into his dreams or his life in some other way.
The relationship is real, the energy
Read the full article at Identity as a Canvas
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/identity-as-a-canvas/
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.19 My prayers about dealing with the sense of ‘internal exhaustion’ apparently went well. I felt vastly better the next day, and over the next few, it seemed to just heal more and more.
Maybe not coincidentally, for a few days I haven’t really been able to DO anything metaphysically. I wanted to. I got so frustrated at the weird sense of “can’t get there from here” that I was having when I began anything, that I made a list on paper, and I made a point to work on something several times a day, and at the end of every day, I had accomplished… close to zero.
It wasn’t that I was avoiding it although there was some sense of that, but not the normal kind. It was as if that whole part of me was closed off with an “under construction: coming soon to a soul near you” sign or something. Can’t say I remember ever having that feeling before.
But this morning it seemed to be open for business again, better than ever. While still half asleep, my first real thoughts of the day were: Dear God… thank you for my life. Thank you for this amazing game. And I talked to the light-being that wears my body like a suit, as I see it in other people, and I talked with Inner Guide.
Then I talked with a Tek and promptly did a health meditation. They are generally ‘cleansing visualizations’ except they tend to be pretty gross,
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.11 This is the 2nd of 5 items I felt IG wanted me to get through.
There are ‘relationships’ with energies/entities I feel impact my own evolution. I want to work on whatever IG feels will further my most-effective, most-divine relationships of greatest current effect.
I asked for Nero to join me again. I just wanted to hug on him. I’ve missed him.
I asked IG who I should have join me for this. She said, You are capable of doing this on your own.
I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted an archetype with me too. I insisted, but who would be good for me to have?
There was a pause, and then she said, ‘Responsibility’, and he was there with me.
You just aren’t the same without the quills and fangs anymore, I sighed to him, but then gave him a laughing hug. He stood behind me.
IG gave me a landscape. It was mostly dark. I felt around and sensed ‘something’ to my right, so I went over to it. There was something there I couldn’t see. Someone, as if a projection of me, was shining light on it, but it was this tiny pen-light, which only revealed these little strips at a time, and it was impossible to tell what it was.
I tried to make it out for a minute, and then I lost my patience and said, “Oh for goddsakes! Give me REAL light!” and I created a giant high powered flashlight about
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.11 Archmed on the first of five I feel like IG wants me to address. This one was:
There are ‘energies’ I am not allowing myself to consciously recognize and address. I want to work on what IG considers my most powerful and/or problematic points of denial.
It should be no surprise that my primary problem in this one was denial. Spacing out, intrusive thoughts, forgetting everything short of my own name. Fortunately I had a notebook in front of me so when I wandered home I could look at it, and return.
There was a lot more going on in this med than I’ve ever had though, in terms of my own self-discipline and determination. I’m shocked, but in a good way, at the seemingly mysterious appearance of a backbone. I haven’t seen that in a good 15 years.
Normally when I get real avoidance-sleepy in a med, I sleep. When I am uncomfortable, I get comfortable. This explains why I often spend more time sleeping than meditating. It’s as if I just haven’t had the gumption to fight it. Eons ago, I wasn’t that way, but sure have been the last few years.
***
We began. IG ‘left to get something’ for a few moments, then returned. Then she was building something over to the left of me, and I pointedly avoiding looking at the detail until she called me over there. It looks like a little pod for travel, like a helicopter without rotors. She indicated I should
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.09 Last night I had an entire list of things to get through.
First my neck, which felt weird and achy the entire day. Even if it is somehow related to IG’s stuff (not sure), it’s still a bother. Can’t remember what that was, in experience.
Then the issue with insurance, which in archmed was two gaping holes in an elevated level of ground, the look and shape of short car skid marks. Got a little rush from that once it was done.
Then the delay in my bonus at work, I forget that too.
Then the issue with the girl K, and then the sensei issue, don’t remember those either.
If I don’t blog promptly stuff’s just gone.
I intended to do a little chakra focus but that ended up taking a long time and a few separate attempts. I was busy with life, so would have to come back to the next one later. Each was much more “personal” feeling than the chakra exercises I used to do circa 15 years ago when I was doing hands-on energy work.
It feels more like when I talk to the Aeons in a way, except more… affection than personalization.
I had a repeating sense, that kept surprising me, on my throat chakra, as if this was shaped like one of those giant wooden spools they use for city-level electrical cords. Like two round flat disks joined in the middle by a short cylinder tube which was right where my lower throat
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.05 I was going to do an Aeon round this morning. I started at the top of the current arrangement, which is Hot Amanakhaton. He is more ‘human’ and less ‘giant golden egyptian-ish statue’ than ever. I was trying to tease him and feel emotion for him and bring him ‘closer’ to me, more real, more communicative. (In the end, it worked, but I never did get to any of the other Aeons.)
I was kinda randy so that gave me a bright idea, and I asked him how he felt about me using some quality time with him, with the energy all about our relationship and me ‘integrating’ him further. He agreed, and that went fairly well. I don’t feel as close as I do to Nero or Marcan, but way better than I ever have with H.A. before now.
A little later, I said to him that since he and I had been so non-integrated, and he was all that powerful male energy, that I assume he’s dominantly from the Senior’s energy. But he contradicted me, saying, “I am mostly of the Queen.” That really surprised me. Then I thought that since the identity I see her in is what I call “pre-Egyptian” (the long-head people I believe the Egyptians were trying to be like) maybe that makes sense.
Now it seems obvious — she is also a golden (metallic) eagle for goddsakes — yet for some reason, the giant gold egyptian statue, I didn’t realize was related to
Posted by Palyne on 2010.09.01 It’s been a rather long time since I did a complete and serious Aeon round, going through all 12 and really focusing with them, really letting myself emotionally feel how much I want to know them within me, really making an effort to merge and better-integrate.
Today was my mother’s birthday. She died when she was 37, when I was 9, and most years I try to do something specific on this day. If nothing else, just spend a decent chunk of time thinking about my life. About who I want to be. About what she might have wanted for me. About the advice that she might give me, from wherever she is.
Sometimes I try to do something courageous on September 1st. I feel like she would want me to be courageous. I don’t remember a great deal of her, but I do remember that she was often telling me to ask for what I wanted in life. “The worst they can do is say no,” she used to say. I have always had a difficult time asking for anything, or accepting anything. I have gotten better at the latter, I think.
My birthday is Sep 14 and to some degree, the ‘space between’ her birthday and mine is often a thoughtful period.
I can hardly believe I’ll be 45 in two weeks. Somehow my brain stopped grokking the advance of my age somewhere around 26, 28 or so. My body moves on, but my mind doesn’t. Ever since
Posted by Palyne on 2010.08.22 Miscellany –
I did remember, later this evening, something Nero and I talked about, when I was half asleep.
He’d said I shouldn’t do any archetype meditations tonight because I needed to ‘process’ stuff. He suggested I get more exercise to help work energies through my body better.
And he brought up keeping a better environment around me. As I think the 3rd did later. Unless I am mixing it all up which as I was a little altered in both, is possible.
I was telling my kid this today (about cleaning) and she acted like this was moron-level obvious. I realized she was right and I joked, “Yes, Saturn has a direct effect on me, and but my bedroom doesn’t matter at all.”
I had a minor daydream about a real nice minimalist environ (I can dream) and a nice relaxed ‘routine’ of schedule and incense and some nice music.
That was the one thing I always admired so much about my prior meditation teacher. She got up before the kids and would straighten the house and then take a shower, and light incense and some jar candles and put on some harp music or something, and then sit down in her comfy chair and meditate quietly until everyone else got up. Something similar at night. And during the day, whenever she had time and no demands on her, she might just sit down and meditate, for one minute or ten or 3 hours.
Despite being a single mom
Read the full article at Overtraining
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/overtraining/
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Reality = Physiology = Psychology = Spirituality = Cosmology = Geometry = Number = Sound = Form There is no difference.  Posts  Comments Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title. My work is not just study; it's prayer, it's mental techniques, it's life habits. It's not just about inner worlds; discipline and physical environment matter. It's not just spiritual; my body and world is part of it. It's not just esoteric; everything corresponds integrally — the mundane, the arcane, the divine. It's not just an '-ology'; my own identity, body, reality, psyche is key to it all. The only tenets of truth I hold are based on personal experience.This effort has spanned my life, but not until ~1994 did it become intentional, not 'til late '00s did it become fairly 'serious'. I've gone through many models and philosophies over time, but now I've none except what experience teach me. I am ever the student, but I've reached a point of "fluency" and "internal guidance" where I don't care about labels or other peoples' paradigms.
CATEGORIES on this blog are extensive and nested. Most everything that matters or repeats much has a category.
The TAGS are just minor notes of reference trivia. They are usually a rare experience, or an observation about something I read.
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