My head is so often filled with annoying observations. Things I feel like infringe on my ability to be a ‘normal’ person. Things my left-brain finds stupid. Then it finds them reasonable, with more thought and some intuition, but wants them to remain in the stupid category because they are so far outside normal.
My freaking house is flea infested. I bug bombed it like 2 weeks ago, which cost a bunch of money for poison and even more money for my housekeeper to do tons of stuff toward protecting tons of stuff from it and ‘unpacking/uncovering’ afterward. Allegedly the stuff killed eggs too, but despite we have no animals in the house, it was promptly a serious problem again. The summer has been very hot a long time and we don’t vacuum enough obviously.
Now first I should say that I do this once a year and only when the flea problem has reached proportions where I don’t even want to use the restroom or eat because it’s a *nightmare* of them eating me, and it is just horrible, and it becomes an issue of my survival, my ability to sleep, to function.
It’s surreal that it differs for me than others. I can be surrounded by other people who sometimes get a flea bite. In some reasonable place. If it’s bad they might get several. Usually, though, in seemingly reasonable places. Me, they are ALL OVER. They’re biting my face and neck and back and breasts and knuckles and every other possible place on my body. (Using the theory that bugs devour plants that are unhealthy and dying, I figure that means I’m doomed. Despite that my chain-smoking borderline-diabetic ex was not bothered at all. Go figure.) Despite this, I am really against poison.
When I must do poison, I put it off at least a day so I can do a prayer and I tell the spider deva to get her people out to safety. This is based on an old experience I had and my gratitude for it.
(Last year, I forgot to mention where to go for safety. That night in a dream, the deva came to talk to me and Ry who was sleeping next to me — we were like together, not like a dream but like a shared-brain almost. Ry reacted with fear to it, and the deva increased the ‘sense of glory’ in this ‘web’ that became like a ‘net of stars’, until it was awe-some cosmic (the devas are angelic-kingdom, in case the sense of ‘holy’ doesn’t make that obvious already), which relaxed the kid who was ‘distracted’ from the fact that this is a spider and she has a terrible fear of them (er, so do I, actually, although I do not have a phobia anymore). Then the deva explained I had not told her WHERE to move the people she wanted to save, so I did a visualization of getting to the backyard through every perspective I could imagine, and she was good with that. This year I remembered that info.)
This year… I pointedly did not address any other bug-devas. Last year I did a ‘global’ prayer. Not this year.
I did this with guilt. It is a sin of omission. I mean sin in the ‘deviating from divine will’ here. I knew it was wrong. Not intellectually, but all the way through me. I know they are all, the devas, holy. I know that I “serve life”. I know that it is… inappropriate for me to wantonly kill tons of life forms, although it is my decision to make if I want. But if I must choose to do it — for I do have the choice — I owe communication to those life forms, to make my intent clear. I mean you know, otherwise, it’s like shooting everyone in front of you on the escalator because they were in your way–at the least, one could ASK them to move first! The bugs can obey my intent and live, or violate it and die. (I am the local god, in a sense!)
But I did not make any point to include them or address them. I was angry. Being EATEN constantly makes me angry! I didn’t want to save them. I wanted them all to DIE, DIE DAMN YOU!
Yesterday, scraping my ouchy-itch jawline with my fingers and getting a fat flea under my fingernail — how pleasant this is not! — I trapped it, and before killing it with my fingernail (a terrible ‘sawing it in half’ process is the only solution, unless there is dishsoap-water in a small bowl nearby to drown it in. We do a lot of that too during this season), I said out loud to it, “Before I kill you, I would just like you to know that I REALLY HATE YOU.” Ry was near and she kinda laughed about that.
I could feel my insides telling me this was not the answer. This is not how you deal with an enemy. I don’t want to have to do more ‘my worst enemy’ meditations to learn this lesson, gah.
But here’s the hilarious thing, just as I finished saying that, I had a musical clip of a song play through my mind. Karen Carpenter was singing, “Just like me, they want to be… close to you.” I giggled to myself, then rolled my eyes, and then felt all grouchy. Maybe they eat me (“take me unto them”) because THEY LOVE ME more than the people around me? Gaaack what a thought.
Wait, I have a better idea. Well it’s probably just the other side of the same idea:
Steinbrecher said he felt that the more we repressed an energy, the more powerfully it manifested, and the more immediately/closely, in our reality. I think this is probably so. So for example, whatever energy is resulting in the destruction of some obscure plant species in Brazil, probably that is not real repressed or messed up with me given the issue is so far from my notice or effect. Were I dedicated to the cause of ‘raising awareness of that issue’ in the world at large, thinking about it all the time, then it clearly WOULD be ‘my’ issue.
But whatever energy is resulting in house problems, like with still no freakin doors on my kitchen cabinets, huge crack in bathroom tub and softening of that floor, now these energies are clearly right in my face, which suggests I have a serious problem with, or am really major repressing something, that is having this result.
So is it that I am more-repressing the energy that relates to bugs? Or could it be that for whatever reason, much like I get quite a bit of experience and awareness many other people don’t seem to, that I am naturally more ‘responsible’ for that repression in a way that makes the effects more powerfully-evident for me?
I sometimes have the idea that the more energy I absorb and become or that becomes me, that the more powerful just about every effect — including the negative stuff. As if I am a complex geometry, and there is light inside me, that literally comes from the ‘spark of divinity’ in the solar center as I think of it, and the more energy I add to the ‘geometric forms’ that are ‘my perceived identity’, that they ‘hold’, the more ‘intense’ the light gets. And that is ‘broadcasting upon my reality’ all the shapes of me more vividly. Not just the good ones. (Later edit: eons later, I read a quote that said almost exactly this.)
Then I wondered, when a magician ‘summons’ some entity and demands its power, does it amount to essentially being a blood-sucking parasite? Is this just our planetary personalization version of such things, which to us are very small? — as we are vast beings energetically even in the human element.
Huh. You know, I had an experience once that this brings to mind. It was in my Bewilderness phase when I was becoming vastly more ‘aware’ of the most bizarre things…
July, 1993
He can hold you by that fear, I heard someone say. I existed on more than one “plane,” that seemed clear at that moment: I spanned many layers of consciousness, which were frequencies like radio waves, and each “bandwidth” was a world, a reality… divisible for infinity, but for me there were specific groupings.
In the level where “he” lived, my fear, which is an intangible emotion to me, was instead real to him, was tangible, was a solid thing he could grasp.
I had just arrived home after work, and the moment I sat down in my recliner he had arrived–perhaps not quite fully in the physical but almost tangible… He said he was going to test me for fear, and a weakness to….? I wasn’t sure what. I was too scared to physically move, and I just reclined there, feeling my breathing, hoping I was dreaming or imagining it all.
I was confused, and unnerved. I silently complied. Why me? I was scared–how did he get in my house? Or was I dreaming? Hallucinating?
He put the fingers of his hand against my forehead and I trembled, unable to guess his intentions. Then I could see his hand as it became huge and rather etheric, and passed into me. He moved it slowly into and through me, searching, beginning with the very top of my head. He was intangible to me; I couldn’t feel him physically, but I could “sense” him clearly.
And I understood that while my body was intangible to him, he was looking for my fear, and somehow–based on a “mutually matching frequency” or something like that–it would not be.
I felt my fear starting up, growing and growling inside me, and now that I was tuned to the ‘reality’ of his plane, lower in my torso I felt it manifest, first as a wispy, cloud-like substance, then growing firmer as my fear became more pronounced, growing hard as it mounted into terror.
I knew I had to let go of it; I had to get rid of it before his hand reached that part of me. I could almost imagine his fingers closing around it, and him having a part of me “in his control.”
Unsure what to do or how to help myself, I remembered that my friend who was close to “Mother Mary” had once said that Archangel Michael was a good guy for protection. With a brief flash of black humor, recalling the saying about there being no Atheists in trenches, I yelled for him in my mind, hoping he was as real as Mary had been, and would help me for no better reason than because I asked.
I wasn’t religious, and I specifically wasn’t Catholic, but faced with something this strange and scary, I found a sudden use for the imagery.
Secure in my belief that either he would protect me, or more likely that my belief in such would protect me regardless, with a humorous touch of not believing what I was experiencing was possible anyway, I relaxed, and I forced myself to clarity, to no emotion, to let everything go in the absolute faith that I would be ok. The solid result of my fear dissipated… into the wispy clouds… then into nothingness. I relaxed further. I was clear; I was clean; I was safe.
His hand continued through me, traveling downward through my torso, and I had the feeling he was frustrated that I had nothing for him; I remained as intangible to him as he was to me.
His hand reached the bottom of me, just below my feet, and I found myself seized with an almost cruel realization. I opened my eyes, looked at him and laughed. He was very short, stocky (in some unusual manner I can’t quite describe), he had no hair, he was very odd looking, and his eyes were far too bright to be “normal,” they shined in a way that gave me the shivers.
But I was safe, and knew he wouldn’t come near me again if he was smart. I had realized that my perception abilities included a wide spectrum of frequency-groups that included his group, his “reality.” But he was a smaller, less complex sort than I–he was limited to his own world, his own “layer,” and I was bigger than he was, I spanned lots of layers. Without my fear, that vibration that somehow existed as solid to him where he was, he had nothing, none of the power he sought to gain from a small part of me. He couldn’t hurt me.
I wasn’t sure how we’d met–if he had “come” to me, or if I had suddenly “attuned to” him–but he backed away from me and vanished.
I shook my head and said to myself, “Wow! What just happened here? Was that a dream?! What…?” and almost began to cry with a scared sort of confusion.
Fleas come in all shapes and sizes, apparently. ;-)
Back to bugs. So then I remembered working with the Senior after they had gradually reappeared and ‘grown up’ after the crucifixion experience, and how there’d been bazillions of bugs, and this represented basically “energy I reject.” And when I finally accepted it was ‘of’ me (he helped), I was able to use my will to pull the giant miles of landscape filled with them ‘closer to unity’ — farther from ‘Legion’ and closer to ‘I AM’ — and it instead became a forest with creatures from microbes to large sentient animals and trees.
(Another long-prior experience I once had with ‘an energy forcing its way out of my body’ resulted in blobs that eventually morphed into various animal forms and finally settled as a few small ones that sat at my feet looking up at me expectantly. It seriously made me wonder if our pets are greatly our ‘projections’ or take them on for us as part of the relationship.)
Eventually I pulled it all up to ‘me’ level. But the point is that bugs represented rejected energy, which I understood was part of why ‘fear’ and ‘loathing’ and ‘revulsion’ are our natural response to bugs. The energy on its own can be like a ‘field’ or it can ‘consolidate’ — bugs are like when it is … “granular” you might say.
I have wondered before, if bugs like mosquitos exist solely because of our energy issues; if they might be lovely fairy-like harmless bugs were they not trying to ‘merge/absorb’ literally as their life-requirement.
This also makes me think of how when I was doing a lot of hands-on energy and chakra work, I lost most of my taste for meat. It felt heavy, dark, and like an energy which was not really so good for me. The thing is, I totally believe that meat is required food for human health. Aside from which carbs kill me, gluten even worse, and fructose more than a tiny bit at a time is the frakkin devil of the day, and that wipes out nearly everything that isn’t meat. I am a low-carb meat-mostly person, but I have often wondered why we must kill animals, which I love so much.
I was once a vegetarian solely in my reaction to this issue. I mostly lived on grains. I’m lucky I lived to tell the tale. I got way fatter, made my metabolism much worse, the gluten probably is responsible for a ton of damage, and I had acne, brain-fog, and serious emotional issues during that period. Tons of very fat people I know who are low-carb, used to be vegetarians. It’s funny people think this makes people skinny — marketing is part of that (I recently watched a commercial where a woman pretended to have lost weight by eating cheerios. You can’t make this stuff up…) — baloney, good genetics make you stay skinny despite the food supply. I know people who eat enormously and horribly and they will never be anything but thin, and people who are morbidly obese who eat better than most health nuts, including myself ‘sometimes’ (not most of the time, alas). They’ll likely keel over of something younger than the rest of their peers, since the adipose system is not functioning with the immune system to protect them [the base of over-accumulation of fat cells, which science did not know until the last several years, and nobody else will ever know if the vegan politics and grain/corn/sugar lobbies have their way], but that is another topic.
I was definitely NOT one of those people who think you are “more evolved” if you don’t eat meat, not at all. I still think that is crap. It was a little disturbing to me at the time, that I didn’t know why I could pretty clearly feel that. I don’t now but then I don’t do much energy work now outside of my head, not the more physical stuff I did before.
But it seems injust, as if, how can humanity get past certain energies, and how can we shift our relationship to animals and maybe spend more time talking with them instead of killing them, if human life requires we stay mired in killing animals for our own health? And who can possibly not perceive the sentience in our food animals? I once read something implying that if humans were to evolve in some fashion spiritually, we would no longer biologically have the same needs for meat we clearly do now. We can dream, I guess. I do not believe this is currently the case.
Back to bugs — I see I am in denial even in writing, the way I keep wandering… I understand that given it would have taken 20 seconds of intent, refusing to do a prayer to all the other devas too, was an intentional bad-intent and death-action. This from someone who almost never kills anything. Certainly not ants (what for? They’re harmless! They will go away eventually if you remove the food. Except sometimes they never do, and I just have to flick away a couple scouts so I can use the counter. We get super hot dry followed by near monsoon-level but brief rains which cyclically brings them indoors). I almost never kill spiders, despite my fear of them, I catch them and put them outside. (Unless I think they are a super dangerous type.)
And the whole thing of ‘hating’ the flea was retarded. I kill innumerable large beautiful animals for my food over time by proxy, why should I ‘hate’ anything for taking a tiny fractional-drop of my blood for food? I can resent that it causes me pain and itching ok, that part is personal, but why SO personal, when it’s quite clear that is simply their nature? I have long said I would never resent anybody for doing what I myself would do. So for example I am fiercely conservative politically–except on most environmental issues–and I am a real conservative, not a republican, so I am not a corporatist which I consider ‘commercial-fascism’ and the destruction of our country, not counting the 5th column media–and I am pretty opinionated about ‘illegal immigrant’ issues. However as individuals I have nothing against them, feel compassionate for their situation, and have long been frustrated there is not a better effort made for many things which could improve things for everybody involved. If I were starving in Mexico… I’d be cleaning houses in L.A. I cannot resent others with the same decision.
Well if I were a flea, would I not need to eat too? How come I can eat and he can’t? How come I can KILL a cow, pig or chicken for dinner but if he takes one drop of my blood which doesn’t kill me at all, it invokes actual hate?
I’m not saying it’s unreasonable for me to resent anything eating me, I’m saying it’s irrational for major emotion and hate to be involved over something that is simply-nature for it.
Since I was about 18 and determined not to be afraid of anything anymore, I have recognized hate as fear, and seldom intentionally killed anything larger than a microbe, aside from bugs hugely dangerous, or seemingly accidental kills, or allowing my housekeeping help to kill them, or a few times I “snapped” at the quantity and duration of a home invasion and commanded them to get the hell out and gave them a direction and a timeline and the clear info that I am killing their forms if they do not obey. In that case though, I usually did warn them, and either way I always do a prayer before and after that if their energy wishes to join my conglomerate I would be honored — I would never kill anything without that in place.
I actually believe this happens anyway, by default: that if I kill a bug, or I eat a steak, that this energy — this bug, this % of the cow — is now literally part of me, although I may choose to ‘project it a-part from me in order to experience interaction’ — it’s a form of karma if you want to look at it like that; this is the point of ‘blessing’ food energetically IMO; to me it’s not like I am making an offer for something that wouldn’t happen anyway; it’s that I don’t want to reject that energy and then have a part of me I’m rejecting; I want it to be a positive merge and have it become part of my intent. Deal with it now… deal with it later… it’s just easier and IMO more ‘just’ and kind to self and other, up front.
And I have often put food out for them (like ants) in the place where I am telling them to go, so it is not a matter of them obeying me being suicidal for them. People think I’m insane for this stuff so I just don’t talk about it usually… the same reason I quit telling chili peppers and their devas how gloriously beautiful they were in the grocery store. People just don’t want to know. Haha!
But clearly there’s some energy issue. I’ve had a terrible ant population all spring and half the summer, then got bit by a wasp that so ‘reacted’ I had to go to the doctor (and I nearly have to be dying or WAY concerned to bother doing THAT), then fleas invaded my house like the frakkin carpet of normandy and started eating me alive DESPITE my having no animals indoors (my housekeeper had her dog in her just after I fogged, when I was on vacation. The whole house smelled like DOG when I came home. He may have contributed a bunch, it is possible, but not THAT many).
Yes, it’s true — the weather supports all this. That is not the point. I believe no matter what the larger situation, if I were somehow… different… I could be NOT having these issues.
That makes me think: I wonder if I could meditate on the energy which is attracting “a problem with biting bugs” to me. Auuugh. I actually feel a part of me reacting to the very idea.
You know, I was rereading old blog stuff (I always do as I forget stuff constantly) and came upon this thing where I was saying — this was, a year, two years ago? — that how I would choose my regular meds was, I would calm, then ask myself, “what energy am I avoiding?” or something like that, and then I would catch that and do the attempted archmed and merge with that. I forgot about that concept entirely. (Not surprising.) But that seems like a useful approach.
It’s like my recent thing with cleaning my room, where I spend most of my time. I’m perfectly happy to consider how the energy of the universe represented by the tarot or an astrological sign or the actual cosmos relates to me. But I resist feeling like my room being a mess relates to me. Well, it’s the same with the bugs. I’m perfectly happy to consider that life issues, broken things, people I have a problem encounter with, health concerns, are all problems with my relationship-with and insufficient-integration-of certain universal energies. But I resist feeling like being bitten by fleas relates to this, even when it’s something hugely dominating my attention, hurting me, driving me crazy, keeping me awake, etc.
I SEE it, I recognize it intuitively, and intellectually. But…
But I resist it, maybe emotionally or something. Maybe my ego. I do not want to feel like my ‘being spiritual’ asks me to keep my room clean. I don’t want to think that being bitten by too many bugs in summer in the Ozarks has anything to do with my ‘consciousness’ or spirituality.
I believe you could be filthy chained in a foreign prison and still become enlightened. Environment and situation do not have a required set of parameters for spiritual evolution, I really believe that. In fact, I really reject some of the ideas that come with these kinds of theories. I call one sect of people “rice-barfing buddhists”. They don’t want to take any “karma” from taking life. Even of rice. They ‘absorb the energy’ and the return the rice, looking untouched, by essentially barfing it up on their plate. Maybe for them that works. To me that’s so retarded, not because they don’t have the right to do as they wish with their energy, but because it’s not like the rice is now going to move forth and live a productive life and evolve, right?!
I see these things rather differently. I’d just eat the damn rice and feel it was my responsibility to bring the energy of that form ‘up’ with me, into my intent and sense-of-identity; essentially the rice is ‘evolving’ in that case, you might say. I feel it’s a mutual honor. And kind of a duty that as part of this reality-experience one is bringing energy up or forward ‘with’ them. To me, that extreme avoidance comes off like an obsessive fear. But oh well — I shouldn’t be surprised. I don’t relate to buddhism though for eons I thought it was closest to my belief systems. I believe profoundly in the divine and in personalizing a “God” – they don’t. I think they have made ‘the’ Buddha (Christ) into an icon the way the Romans did ‘the other’ Christ which is not my thing (it’s the energy, not the person carrying it, that is the point). I differently interpret the concept of ‘karma’ for sure. And I rather profoundly differ on the topic of “transcendence”. Which I think is ridiculous. I did not work this hard to be here so I could spend my whole life wishing and pretending to be somewhere else.
I feel like I am here on earth almost as if it’s a job assignment — I have much of my life. One I want, one I worked to obtain. When I was a teen I used to have moments of feeling literally as if I were here to save the world, I mean spiritually not physically, as if all of humanity were children I adored, as if that were my whole point in living here and suffering the childhood I did and so on.
I see now that even then, I had an ‘identity’ issue where I did not feel entirely human or entirely limited to that anyway, though it took most of my life to see that element of it.
Maybe that is a side-result of an experience at age 12 where I had an NDE from the body’s-mistake that an extreme experience was death-level I think, and I was in utter silence and calm and I thought, “Oh. I’m dead again.” And I could perceive zillions of lives stretching out in my memory in all directions, as if the one I’d just had, was a novel that I’d just set down on the bedside table, having finished it abruptly. I had no model to put that experience in, my brain had no idea what to do with it, but eventually when I did, I found it intriguing.
I’m off topic again. You see, apparently bugs are the very definition of “avoidance and denial.”
In my gut, my heart, and my mind, I can see that “silly little things” like flea bites and how clean my room is, probably do relate to my spirituality because in a holographic model, in a create your own reality model, in an archetypal and cosmology model, EVERYTHING relates. Even things a lot less immediate to my life and attention than those.
But some part of me feels like if I start accepting this stuff, that I’m going to lose my status as an intelligent person (with the entire 3.5 people on earth I still have that status with, after starting this blog…), that it’s “woo-woo”, that it sounds ridiculous.
And I feel some concern that people who interpret things more… shallowly, might mistranslate this stuff into my alleged belief that if you get bitten by bugs you just aren’t spiritual enough or something ridiculous like that. Like how a charismatic church I attended at age 18 believed if you didn’t speak in tongues you didn’t have the holy spirit, and if you didn’t have that it’s because you just did not accept jesus ENOUGH.
It’s less the issues on their own, I guess, than how I feel they would come off to others, that bugs me. It’s how my ego feels about my “definition of self.” As well as how I feel a huge aversion to creating ANYTHING that I could then feel ‘guilty’ about, particularly trivial crap like how clean my room is not.
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