I woke up early this morning and remembered what I’d been dreaming.
A man I liked, a handsome man, was my friend, and we were going to do something. He had two other friends also, a married man and woman. They were both overweight, the man huge. We were happy for our plans and we set off.
Another man who looked exactly like him, his identical twin, suddenly showed up. This man was much more extroverted than he was, talkative and outgoing. The brother joined us in our plans. But then when we were about to leave, we couldn’t find our friend. His brother was there insisting that we not look for him and that we just leave. I had the clear feeling that his twin had sabotaged him somehow and wasn’t a good guy.
We were reluctant to leave without our friend, and worried about why he wasn’t there. The woman made some bizarre comment about the baby and I realized she must be pregnant. She’d been too fat for me to tell frankly.
His brother then came back with a boat, insisting that instead of swimming which we had planned, we should ride with him, as we would get there faster. I arranged for the woman to sit in the center backseat, and the man and I to sit on opposite sides of the back of the boat (with our feet in the backseat), to distribute weight. We reluctantly left, the small boat affected by the load of people.
I had planned to do work with IG on ‘her directive’ when I woke up, but I had just last night re-read a dream that I worked on, in this blog, and realized that if I had symbols right there for me, I should work with them promptly, and that should be a given in my mornings. That’s why I wake up early if possible, so I have time before getting up for work. That way also, if IG had something she wanted me to work on, she could give me the symbols, less-impeded by my conscious attention, in dream form.
So I asked IG to help and I considered how to go about it.
I imagined that I went to the man my friend. He was locked away in a room he couldn’t get out of, by his brother. I asked him why the twin had locked him up. I didn’t hear what he said but sensed it was an issue of fear/jealousy. I released him.
I went to the twin and asked him why he had done that. He didn’t answer me or I didn’t hear it. I was having a very hard time keeping my mind focused, it was wandering all over in denial I guess.
I went to the man and woman and asked them what they represented. They had no response I could hear. So I did a cleansing on them and then absorbed them as energy.
I went back to my friend. We jointly concluded that the twin was evil and something had to be done.
So I went back to the twin and surveyed him suspiciously. I said to my friend (now with me), Well so what is the problem? I mean, he sabotages you? He is cruel to you? He looks on the surface to others like everything’s ok and he’s the nice guy?
He says yes.
I say, “Don’t see him. Don’t let him visit. Don’t have anything to do with him. Tell them to F— off. This is YOUR issue, you just need to refuse to have any part of him.”
And he starts sharing how he can’t, because, because, ….
…and I suddenly realize WITH HORROR that he and his brother are the symbols of me and my ex, my kid’s dad. A repeat issue just came up last night which must be why the dream.
I have been told from the inner world to not let him stay at my house, but I always have an excuse — he won’t visit his kid at all if he has to pay a hotel, I don’t have a car right now to get him to/from, and he was supposed to visit in June 2007 and *still hasn’t* and she sometimes sobs over it (I want to hunt him down and kill him, it’s true. For zero child support her whole life–and in fact, supporting *him* for years, twice no less–he was at minimum supposed to visit her 4x a year so she’d have a dad). So he just pops up recently out of the blue and says he’ll be here probably late Dec or Jan to visit. No matter what I feel about him personally, or what my inner world feels about him either, my priority is my kid, and despite it’s his fault for refusing for *years* to get a greencard while simultaneously destroying me financially for the rest of my life, which is why he had to move back to Canada (and after 5 years apart, I gave him another chance for 2 years and he did the precisely same thing, so I sent him back again!), still she is what matters to me and I know she misses her dad, and I know seeing him at christmas, a happy season, would be nice for her. So I said nothing even though I feel as if he is my mortal enemy under the surface.
At that point I realize that I can’t just make this archetype do what I say — ‘get rid of’ his evil brother — because I can’t do that in my life, and they represent us, so I have to find some other way to deal with it all.
Separate the primary from the secondary, I heard, I think from the 3rd, which he’s told me before in these meds. It means, to separate from ‘the core of the identity’ the energy which is not actually ‘them’ but rather something you perceive them ‘as filtered through’ (energy they carry for you). I realized that when I do the water/sun/wind/chem of life, that’s actually what I am doing, is that process. I hadn’t realized but it seemed obvious when I thought about it.
So I went ahead and did that on his ‘evil twin’. I got a little rushing on that.
And when it was done, he was something else. I ran light/love against it again, it looked like some kind of space capsule with amber colored light, and then when I was done, it looked like a much smaller capsule just of metal. A door opened and dropped down as a walkway, and this big man ducks under it (much too tall for it) and casually saunters out, sipping a cup of coffee.
OK that’s novel, I said out loud. There didn’t appear to be anything wrong with him, which suggested that the work was at least close to done. I was a little baffled how guy 1 turned into object 1 which turned into object 2 which turned into guy 2. That is definitely not how this normally works!
Remove the darkness it sources from, I heard, I think from the Queen, which I’ve also been told before. It means that someone’s anger (“anger is a wound” I was told not long ago) or bad-ness can’t be cured by being equally mean in return, but has to be cured at the source, inside.
So what’s wrong with you? I ask him suspiciously. You seem pretty normal to me.
He says nothing, just looks at me. Freaking unhelpful symbols.
So I imagined myself at the core of him and said to my mind, “Show me the energy problem causing this darkness in him.”
And it showed me the normal thing for energy work, a sort of thick cord that goes down/into, until there is some root issue, but I was at the top at that moment, looking at an issue there, where the cord had problems. I worked on it there, resolved it, and then continued down the cord, to something more root.
I came upon this really big, kinda hideous black-tar-like section that was very wide, really nasty. It was not the ‘root’ issue but was one above it, I could feel.
I realized that it had another cord attached to it, in it, and confused, I followed the cord out and — it attached to his brother. My friend. And I could see clearly that it was ‘balanced’, in other words, that this darkness was *equally in both of them* and that is why it was acting out as it did. That if I were to cure the bad guy, I’d have to cure the good guy too, which leaves you wondering if there is any such thing as the bad or good guy, doesn’t it.
And I realized WITH HORROR again that this meant that all the things I despise my ex for, such legitimate things mind you, any woman with a sense of self would have insured him and off’d him given some of the crap he did, that “the darkness” from which they sourced was equally in me.
I literally felt nauseated. I mean my whole body reacted with the horror of this realization.
But I cleaned it up, finally, and continued to the root issue which was smaller and cleaned that up. I went back up top and I merged with the big guy, no reaction. With my friend, no reaction. Wondering, I got the boat and merged with that, and I got some rushing from that.
It seemed like I was done. I didn’t feel very happy about the whole thing, though.
P
Edited to add: I forgot to mention that now I see the ‘man and wife’ part; and the woman’s worry ‘about the baby’ part; and, ironically, my ex is an identical twin! Not too obvious, now that I think about it . . . !
Great shadow work! It’s never easy to encounter shadow and try to integrate it.
This one is just symbols within symbols. Reminds me of another one you wrote about a while back about how if one person in your life is being mean or whatever, that means that you must also have it in you and that person is ‘carrying’ it for you. I don’t know if you remember that one, but it seems highly related.
So with this one, I immediately suspected the ‘twins’ must in some way be like two halves of the same creature. They seem the same on the outside, but inside there are two different options. In this case, the bad option locks up the good option and tries to take over. You go in and try to help the good one by letting it back out. Interesting, but then you realize the bad option is inside you as well and so there is another type of twin issue. Maybe you have the bad option locked up inside you and it wants to get out? (the flip of what happened with the man) I think it speaks towards the issue of attraction in general and why do we like people who it would seem are bad for us or are bad in general? Logically, we would not be attracted to such a person unless there was a good reason, something in the dynamic that is drawing us in to be attracted to that one person instead of countless others. This is something I often think about. What causes ‘chemistry’ and how much can it be trusted or not trusted? I guess much depends on what we have locked up inside us. But the real question is how do we more effectively deal with what is locked up? Wish I had a good answer for myself as well..
One time, a long time ago, I was still awake, and the Narrator (he’s like a subset of the private oracle) had a sort of concept-talk with me about it all. He kind of showed me and explained how basically everything in my life that related to relationships, and particularly strongly, my older (only) brother, my father, problems I’d had in the past (with some molestation as a kid, with rape as a young adult, things like that), they all — well the best way to explain it is, imagine that there is this pool and every time you drop a new experience or perspective into it, some complex geometry changes a little. Well he showed me how I had basically created what amounted to this geometry, and my ex fit precisely into it. I mean so precisely that it’s like I created that shape and then called out through it, and some kind of beacon went out and, based on the precise match of shape to person, found him. In other words had my ‘shape’ been different, the person would have been different; the siren song was based on the shape.
I didn’t know until we were long split, when I moved here to the Ozarks and met my father’s brother, that my father is extremely passive-aggressive. The difference is my dad mostly acts it out via his wives, but it’s still very p/a. Now my ex is clinical, extreme textbook case level of p/a, and I didn’t even understand it till much later, I’d never even heard of it. I hadn’t been around my dad much, he worked two jobs all my life and ignored me for years (intentionally, angry at me because his schizophrenic wife would invent from whole cloth, stories about my evil, which he believed), so in a weird way I didn’t know him well, and I think held a lot of this mystical image of how I adored him from the time I had actually known him, when I was a little girl, daddy’s girl, when my mom was alive.
When I met his brother, I realized with shock that he was seriously p/a — this is often a family thing — I had run into it in a good friend and his brother, so I’d learned about it by then — weirdly I never saw it till I met my uncle. Then suddenly it was literally like something dropping from my eyes and I flashed through my life and realized that my dad was totally p/a. And I’d gone and married someone just like dear old dad in absolutely NO way — except that one.
I suspect that the only way we ‘fix’ problems in us, is to have the opportunity to ‘work with that energy.’ Which means that maybe we draw it to us, whatever it is we have issues with, so we can fix it. I don’t think that means a relationship needs to be negative, at all, I think there’s a lot of areas of life, situational not just in people, that dynamic can play out. I think the “for I am divided for love’s sake” works here too — I mean that we project outside of us what we *want* to have experience with, whether good or bad.
The biggest irony is that I swore a 10 year vow of celibacy (or at least, not having sex with anyone else LOL) when I was 19, before I knew anything about men, but had been informally semi-engaged 3 times. I knew I was really screwed up from my childhood. I was still in sociopathy then and working on “fixing myself” like I was a broken toy, via constant hypnosis and prayer depending on the era. I thought if I spent a long time dedicated to working through my psychology, and becoming the person I actually wanted to be, that then I would be healthy, and I could find someone healthy. I had seen from dad’s 5 marriages that the worst possible thing was going out into the world screwed up, it was inevitable that would just find someone else equally screwed up.
I broke that 10 year vow 3 months early to get married (to someone who was a monk, sigh!). And clearly I hadn’t worked everything out, but ironically, maybe some of that actually needed ‘interaction’ to be exposed to, and work through that energy. I had no exposure. I planned dedication to music and making some money to facilitate it, gained a ton of weight that took me off the stage, ‘typical’ dieting made it worse, and finally I decided to forego killing myself and just focus on work, and years later I got married to someone I met via internet.
In fact we had met in person one time prior to actually getting married. Yes that part was insane I admit. But I don’t fault myself that; I wouldn’t have seen the p/a anyway, even if he’d lived next door for six months first. It doesn’t kick in until people are ‘comfortable’, basically until the honeymoon era is over, then it’s like a major change. Looking back I think if I’d had a few boyfriends in the meantime I might have worked through more of that energy and not had to actually marry it.