The big job of parsing/cleaning my house has got my head wandering in all kinds of new directions.
I was microwaving the cream in my coffee cup (as otherwise it makes my coffee lukewarm, as I use a lot). My microwave is on top of my refrigerator and so actually over my head. As I waited, I thought of my ‘solar body’ — the cohesive, soft white light, humanoid-shaped entities which wear us, I think — and I thought of the microwave just above my head, and how they are nearly always taller than their humans when I see them, and I thought at it: Duck!
I wondered how what we do in this body (e.g. radiation, microwaves) might affect our solar bodies.
Then I thought about a book my best friend is reading right now, where this woman talks about these entities that look just like that, except apparently they are not ‘wearing humans’ as she sees them on their own. It occurred to me to wonder if the solar bodies are a whole species of their own. Maybe whether part of them is ‘embodied’ in a human, in these ‘frequencies’, is rather like whether one of us has a dog, or a job, or a family. Just a sort of arbitrary choice, one that adds an important facet of experience, but you could take it or leave it, and it is not big enough on its own to fully define you.
Of course, if you’re a dog, you think dogs are all that matter. ;-)
I thought about the time I had an in-body experience–I mean, where the part of me which would normally go “out of body” went out of body, but left ME present IN-body without the rest of me–truly something that had never occurred to me until then. It appeared to be a side effect of my trying desperately to ‘stay conscious’ through an intense experience. (I felt that some kind of sound-based weapon had hit me and was beaming me out of body. That was during my Bewilderness era where stuff of that insane-level was not uncommon.)
I didn’t know, until I had that experience and gave it some thought, that my body was an entity of its own. That it had a degree of consciousness of its own, although comparatively I would call it very ‘simple’, as it lacked the multi-level psychological layers, subtlety, and a lot of “interpretive ability” that my larger-mind gives it. Sometimes I call my body “Avatar,” as it does rather seem like something I am fully immersed-within, or wear, in order to interact in this Amazing Game.
I thought of the Avatar, fully fleshed but so much instinct, not so much psyche. I thought of my solar body, the creature of light, not flesh, but seeming to be ‘embodied-spirit’. Then I thought of myself in the middle, Goldilocks of the Just-Right in-between, with some of both.
Then I wondered what else there might be to us. Are there are other gradients-of-us? Are there other identities living just as simultaneously with us as the body-aspect and the lightbeing-aspect? Sharing our joined experience, and yet, having their own experience version? How do our choices affect their experience? Is it entirely our choice or is this an overlapping of energy that each gradient-focus feels is its own free will?
That kind of boggled my mind for awhile.
***
I have worked pretty much ~140+ hrs/wk for 9 weeks, while eating horribly. If ever someone was prone to being run-down and susceptible to illness… In the last 9 weeks the weather has been lousy and everyone around me has been repeatedly sick. My daughter has been very ill twice, and even as a teenager still has the child-response of wanting to be basically on top of me when she feels bad, so wanted to sleep with me and more.
A few times over the last couple months, I had gotten sore feelings in my throat. I immediately stopped when I felt it, visualized a sort of flaming bright-violet “light of evolution” literally over-bright-energizing-to-death all the ‘invasive’ energies, and then visualized white and gold sparkling warm beads of liquid energy flowing into all the ‘native’ energies, and giving them strength and recovery. Then I drank some water while imagining that it ‘flushed out’ anything bad or dead. Every time this feeling occurred, I would do this process. I don’t know if it helped, but I know that in 9 weeks under the worst conditions I haven’t been ill once, and nobody around me can say that.
So a few days ago, I had this huge ache-twinge from one of the ‘glands’ in my neck. The kind that ache when you are really sick. I felt as if my body were having a very hard time, if it had gotten that severe. I put my head back and massaged that whole area, even though it hurt to do so. (Much like the lymphatics in underarm, front of shoulder, breasts and chest, the more they hurt the more they need serious massage (and water intake) to work them through.) I closed my eyes to begin the same process I had previously used with the sore-throat effects.
And I found that my whole perspective had changed. Much like that old ‘captain of the guard’ experience but not nearly as specific of personal, I was suddenly in rapport with my body as if it were a “kingdom.”
An empire, actually, vast and diverse yet ruled by a single intent, even if differently in different areas.
I felt this tremendous heart-chakra love for all of me, even the tiniest parts of me, for those foot-soldiers and cannon-fodder that are white blood cells. And I can’t explain what I did as it’s an emotion I haven’t quite had before, but if I had to translate it, I would say that As-God, I caused Extreme-Bad-Luck to occur with the enemy’s environment and timing. Like I wasn’t even affecting them directly but rather indirectly because they were in MY reality and I controlled it.
Then I turned my attention back to “my people” and I sent immense amounts of energy flooding into them, I “gave speed to” reinforcements traveling to help, I gave tons of “power” to the entirety, and “brilliant-insight of strategy” to those elements that could use it, and I focused “MY WILL” upon observing them overcome and conquer, and become even stronger and more fluent, and the entirety of the empire was a little stronger for it.
I did it twice and the feeling was gone. It came back a day later and I did that again and it was gone.
(I notice that when I eat something with sugar (I have been drinking McDonald’s Mocha Frappes, I know, total junkfood!) I am more susceptible after that to illness. Sugar is apparently some kind of immune system depressant.)
***
The thing is, while my gland was aching, it occurred to me: is this their cry out to God to save them? Why do we feel pain? Is it not the body’s plea for attention?
I once had an archetype meditation that was mind-blowing, in my earlier days with archmeds, where my life events really sucked, and in the med I was sort of ‘flipped upside down’ in perspective and understood that things which were ‘events’ in my reality, were actually the wailing of these archetypes imprisoned in the dark in cages inside me. Their cries manifested as events in my world; it is all just energy. I freed them and hugged them, loved them and apologized, and my reality cleared right up. That was the first time I got an inside look at the idea that objects, events, emotions, perhaps are all of the same fundamental nature, just manifesting through different doorways.
So when we feel pain, aching, itching, whatever, does it mean more than we know? Is it our body pleading for attention right in those areas?
Once, while doing an archmed my foot starting aching oddly and without thinking about it much I just shifted my focus to that area and was pouring energy into it and I got massive body-rushing like a great archmed. Is that really what our body wants?
What an irony that would be. Most people with chronic pain try NOT to think about it.
If it weren’t for pain, how would a body ask for something? Lately I’ve been getting superfast little flash visual-conceptuals that seem like my body telling me something, always something real basic so far (like “drink water” or “enough, stop eating” or “this is bad” [its opinion on diet soda]). That’s kind of recent and only occasional.
But in general, how DOES our body communicate directly, outside dreams? Itching (a form of pain) and pain is how it gets our attention. We usually resent it, rather than saying, “Hello, what are you trying to say to me?”
That time after I sent the energy at my foot, I got a variety of little pains off and on for awhile, and I would send energy there, and I had the funniest feeling inside, as if my body were Helen Keller and had JUST FIGURED OUT what something ‘meant’ and how to communicate and was incredibly excited about it.
It reminded me of remote viewing, and having a cycle where you suddenly really FEEL a certain element like stone or water and feel like you ‘recognize’ it, or when you get that feeling like you have such a sweet crush on some inner part of yourself you only touch during that.
***
I found a number of things while digging through ancient-history in the back room. Pictures from 15 years ago. A couple manuals from a remote viewing school that I’m not supposed to have, nearly as old. A few pages of intuitive writing and my thoughts on it, I remember that one from maybe 5 years ago, it was about relationships. A print-out I’d typed from a book of my ‘outer planet’ astrology aspects that I thought were disturbingly accurate (circa 1992). I might put some of the text stuff here just so I have it somewhere as I am not keeping anything in print aside from a very few books.
I am sending a few research papers and books to my friend Don, a bunch more books to my friend Lawrence, and a variety of stuff to my ex, not because he deserves it, but because I actually think he will use it and I don’t want to hoard things of value that I don’t use (a small brand new digital tablet, a couple ukeleles and recorders and some related music books). (If anyone else wants those speak soon and I’ll send them elsewhere. ;-))
I am getting rid of everything I can. I would like to think that my house was SO organized and clean that a) everything has a place, and b) it would be difficult to lose things because there isn’t STUFF everywhere, and c) if I ever had to move, it would actually be straightforward. There wouldn’t be amazing amounts of crap that just keeps coming out of the buried aethyr it seems, like it was breeding and multiplying while I wasn’t looking.
***
I was going through this huge bank of drawers in the back room this morning and someone inside me said:
“You should, once a week, go LOOK INTO the closests and drawers.”
Why?” I asked, since that seemed kind of Silly. It came as ‘understanding’ not words.
Because it is part of me. Because everything that we have “hidden away and buried” is a part of US that is hidden away and buried. Because anything that we find important enough to keep, to pay for storage for, to keep within our energy field, is important enough to have our attention.
It occurred to me that with minimal attention, our drawers and closets wouldn’t get to the state they are in. I had this memory of Square Foot Gardening, and Mel Bartholomew saying one of the most important things was just having the little garden plot near the house entrance, so people would pass it regularly and could pull a little weed now and then or pick something ripening or whatever, that having it out of sight was something to avoid. What are our houses, our drawers and closets, but the gardens of our collections, of our mementos and hobbies and just-in-case plans?
Machaelle Small Wright, who wrote the awesomely titled book “Behaving as if the God in all life matters,” and also “the Perelandra Garden Workbook” and some other cool titles I don’t think I ever got around to reading alas, suggests that the ‘nature spirits’ (her model) which deal with gardens are just as present everywhere, and can be just as much an active part of helping you arrange your bookcase or living room as your vegetable garden.
I once tried an experiment with this about 10 years ago. Mind blowing. My assistant and I were in the back room which at the time, was my office. It was immensely crowded with furniture and you could hardly walk in it, it was so stuffed, and I was trying to work something out that would arrange what I needed access to yet not make me feel like I was trapped in a cluttered closet, which means lots of the furniture had to go out.
Late that night, I prayed a lot to the “nature spirits which may co-inhabit this space” for help in arranging. And it’s one of those kind of weird results, where when it was over, I stood in the room with a furrowed brow, trying to understand how the laws of physics had allowed this. I felt certain that both the room and all the furniture had not changed in size or relationship to me. And yet, not only did I now have all the same furniture in there, and even a couple other things I brought in!!, but it felt incredibly spacious to boot.
My assistant came in the next morning and just stood there for a minute saying nothing, before pronouncing, “That’s impossible.” Really that’s about what I thought too, the next morning when I got a fresh look at it!
Although I have a few times gotten a glimpse into the reality that space is as flexible as time, that’s one of the few occasions when I really saw that first hand.
Anyway I don’t know if Machaelle’s model of ‘nature spirits’ is correct or not, but it seemed to work. I will be praying to that assumed-energy to see what kind of help I can get with The Great House Project.
***
By the way it is some real irony that on the surface my house is cluttered and filled with junk while nearly every beautiful thing I own is buried in a drawer somewhere, forgotten or lost for years. Lovely jewelry, lovely little incense and candle holders, lovely little boxes and cases and bags I’ve saved over the years. There’s tons of beautiful stuff buried inside while most the outside is just too-much-mundania. That’s not symbolic or anything…
P
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