Just a quick note as I’m already supposed to be asleep.
For the last few weeks I’ve had a problem. It’s like there is this significant, even dominant part of myself, that is completely at war with the others. She feels just furiously stubborn, the real dig your heels in NO! This has affected my work in a way unprecedented and it’s just been horrifying. It’s like being possessed in a way. By someone who is angry and doesn’t want to deal with anything or anybody and flatly refuses to do anything inconvenient. Like cook real food. Or work well. Or whatever. There’s quite a list actually.
I’ve been doing brain-stim stuff the last couple days though I can’t say that relates at all. But this morning I was relaxed and thinking about work and my fear and frustration and that sort of went off into a meditation/daydream of sorts. There was a bunch of people, a small crowd, and they were all me. There was one girl/woman who was a leader of sorts, anyway, normally the person in charge. She was causing all of this though. It was her emotional problem. The problem is, losing my job would profoundly screw up every imaginable aspect of my life, so this is a life and death situation really. I wanted to work. She wanted to refuse. I wanted to work. She refused. We did the normal morning fight about it, and then I must have been slipping into a deeper state of mind as things seemed to get more dreamlike and autonomous then.
We all mutinied against her (although again… I feel she is ‘me’ just as much). We dogpile tackled her literally! Then tied her up and dragged her into this small room like an elevator cart, then made it completely thick metal and impermeably sealed, then released her and made sure there was air and ‘living comfortable’ inside — but she is completely bound inside and isolated from decision making. We decided she could stay imprisoned until we dig out of the horrible work situation she created for us and then I would work on meditating about whatever her stupid problem is.
I’ve felt “at war with myself” before but it’s usually more traumatic and temporary than flat and long term. The amazing thing is that after this, for the first time in weeks I was able to make myself do my normal degree of focus/intensity work to start trying to shore up the damage.
I’ve never in all my years of meditating had something like imprisoning part of myself ON PURPOSE. That’s just odd. Hopefully July will arrive and I can meditate on whatever is up with her.
P
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