Authority and Money

Under the heading of ‘finally doing a meditation on something that matters in the real world’, the other day I did one on authority and money, although, it’s some custom blend from IG. I have ‘issues’, most of which make me feel victimized, some of which are legitimately that (injust, unfair, and I’m helpless), and as a larger picture in my life, it is obvious that I have some problem with an important part of me that is manifesting in these things.

I’ve long suspected it is the Senior’s energy, which I am not well integrated with despite our work together. He IS authority, that whole ball of concept and energy is really the archetype of his role in the four. I have difficulty accepting the whole responsibility, leadership, I AM-ness of it all.

I knew I needed to work on the ‘world’ things. I asked IG to make me something that would incorporate the most important elements of ‘dealing with’ this energy, fundamentally.

This is one of those that I expected something from — maybe a monster. A ‘thing’ sort of archetype.

And it ended up being something so completely different as an experience, that later on, I realized I had no idea how the experience related to that issue at all.  Apparently IG’s understanding of this is deeper than mine… not surprising I guess.

During the experience, it seemed profoundly, cosmically meaningful, ‘amazed realizations’ and ‘shaking with sobs at the power of it’ kind of thing, repeatedly throughout it. It’s so impossible to put in words certain things.

It was my first archmed in nearly two months. And, it is the first one I have ever done in a different environment. I’m not crazy enough to lay down — that’ll ensure I’m snoring, not meditating, especially if I have any issue with the energy. There have been rare occasions when I had SO much trouble with a meditation, that I had to sit outside, sometimes stand, sometimes sit or stand with my eyes forced and held open, trying to work through the gut-level fear of something… akin to having a scary movie on during the day, while you also have the curtains open to let the sunshine in, the radio on, etc. Those are not common though. Generally I just sit on my bed, with pillows behind my back against the headboard.

This time, I decided to try it while taking a shower. I was remembering recently the day that I decided to try having a degree of awareness while shopping at Wal-Mart, and how sort of amazing it was by the time the day was done. And how hard it was–how much it showed me the way my mind normally clamps down hard against everything intuitive, allowing me this logical, linear, intellectual personality, while only releasing the rest of me in little periods I intentionally dedicate to meditation or viewing or prayer.

I do want to be better integrated, and it struck me that perhaps learning to meditate while doing something besides sitting — say, taking a shower, which would certainly ensure I had time to meditate I suppose, and that nothing else interrupted me! — would be good for me. So I did the whole working while in the shower. It was about 50 degrees in the bathroom, so I had a combination of hot water and cold air/shower-curtain throughout.

I really must be avoiding this topic. I’ve stopped blogging several times to do all kinds of stupid stuff like skim through catalogs I got in the mail, full of mostly things I don’t need and can’t afford but wish I could have anyway. I’m listening to Jim Brickman’s Night Rain on MP3 in a loop, a lovely piano essay in a minor key. I keep drifting to wanting to do something else. Now finishing this post has been a determined chore just for the moral of it!

***

I closed my inner-eyes and let IG do whatever she wanted. Eventually I opened them. As sometimes before, I was in what seemed a light forest, and for safety reasons, I ported myself onto a branch high in a nearby tree and said softly, “Map.” It appeared in front of me as I asked it to show me where the energy which needed my attention was. I expected to see some big moving spot(s), like monsters wandering the terrain I would have to deal with.

Instead the entire thing was like a big visual ‘noise’ pattern as you’d say in graphics, and maybe 10-20% of that pattern glowed a little to show its nature as the problem. The part that immediately got my notice is that it wasn’t just around me. It went through me. It was like the whole landscape and me, my body, were all part of the same energy, and that pattern was everywhere.

The problem is an equal part of me, I thought in some surprise.

It’s not a cohesive energy, a ‘thing’, it is part of the pattern of everything.

I lose memory here (too long before I blogged!) of some detail, but then I was focusing on all the parts of energy which were the ‘problem’, and I was in space–or rather, “of” space and its bodies–and I was considering “the nature of their darkness.”

As I worked with this a little, I had this seemingly profound understanding. Multiple layers of it actually which took a few minutes to “unfurl” in me.

I don’t know why, but it’s like this threw me back into the whole framework of that horrid “nothingness” experience that nearly did me in at the time, and nearly via emptiness-suicidal impulses for a long time after; occultists call it The Abyss so I use that term for lack of a better one. Even after ‘the blue eyes of soul’, my inner-divine, came open within me and saved me a few months later, still, for years I was affected.

I had several understandings which sound stupid in words and, in this case, our language is completely unequipped to talk about this without sounding illogical. It isn’t an issue of logic and we have no shared-experience terms for this.

This is what unrolled in me:

Darkness is not of the Nothingness. Darkness is not the true opposite of light. Nothing is the opposite of light. By Nothing I mean the literal nothingness, the zero to reality’s 1 of binary universe, the off-cycle that with the on-cycle, creates the ‘beat patterns’ we call awareness.

Darkness is not nothing. It is something. It is, ironically in a way, fundamentally itself a part of the light, of something-ness.

It is the polar opposite of light only within the realm of light itself. The ‘opposites’ are the same thing in nature, even while they remain opposites in manifestation.

Things of seeming darkness in our universe, believe their nature to be truly-opposite, but it is not. The universe is fundamentally of light, and darkness fails again and again to hold dominance, and that energy fails to understand why.

It maintains the intent (which at that moment to me seemed hilariously sweet and charming, albeit totally misguided) to battle against light as if it were an enemy. As if it were a threat. Such intent doesn’t see, doesn’t know, that their own nature is against that effort from the start.

They do not grasp that their very awareness makes them children of the light.

And I saw that this was their point of vulnerability. I perceived myself and many others as a network of stars against a network of darkness, blended everywhere, but both we and they were profoundly mistaken in the idea that we were of the light and they were not.

Like geometry, and art, the areas of ‘empty’ were just as important to the definition of something as the areas of non-empty. I understood that the seeming darkness was and would be a perceived threat to me, but that this understanding of its nature was my point of leverage in defense.

I flashed back to an archetype meditation on “my worst enemy” where I understood that I had to learn to see something as it truly was, fundamentally, so that I would be able to separate from that the energies which needed healing, which were the manifested ‘problem’. The manifested problem of darkness is not its inherent nature, but energy which it carries.  This would be a bigger surprise to creatures of that pattern than it was to me, I understood.

I had this little dreamlet then, where I and others were in battle somehow, and the darkness seemed overwhelming, until I remembered that the best way to conquer an enemy is to make him a friend as the saying goes, and the best way to ‘defeat’ the dark is to heal it: is to help it understand that it was never truly nothingness to begin with; it was only somethingness lacking color.

I saw that this was its primary point of weakness, and then I had this whole association with that game, Othello we call it in the states, which is made of black and white circles, and you must get your color to ‘both sides’ of a string of pieces — one at the bottom of it you might say, and the other at the top, and when you do, they all flip over, becoming your color.

I understood that if I could see, could reach into the fundamental core of light to which all things of something belong, if I could truly allow myself to perceive this–which was about ME, too, my ability to perceive it–it brought the ‘Truth’ of things manifest at the very core of something.

And my focus on that with appreciation for its true nature brought forth its natural connection to light so long denied, and it pierced the darkness everywhere which split and crumbled like the “somethingness” that it really was, and that former seeming part of the darkness was now openly the light.

There came with all this the sense that this was a grand and glorious war of sorts, a battle the size of the universe and more, a battle of soul, and that I was being given some critically important key here.

Then I had another ‘wave’ crash upon me of understanding, and I first remembered the many times I have sobbed because my inner divine, the blue eyes of soul, has never come back to me the way He did that one day, and I never understood why. I’ve got so many other degrees of divine I interact with; but not him. Not the core.

I “realized” that I have profoundly misunderstood something, in just the way the dark creatures have. Perhaps as a result of that horrible “Abyss” experience, a misunderstanding or over-impact, perhaps.  I somehow grasped the nothingness concept, via surviving it (barely), but failed to grasp the equal and true-opposite of it: that I am fundamentally of light. I cannot be separated from it. Which is what I did understand, briefly, when he was with me, but didn’t hold/keep.

And I saw that it was my doing all along, being without him, not just before, but after.  I had not LET him in, aside from that one time. It was me. Not him.

I burst into sobs then, as if every instant of my life without him has been and is a cosmic tragedy, and I stood with my forehead and hands against the tile of the shower wall, with hot water against my neck and shoulders, and cried with no sound hardly, just these huge wracking sobs that violently shook my whole body.

Then after awhile, I felt like I should look at myself, at my body — energy body as well — and ‘see’ the fundamental core of light, the solar body of me, and separate that understanding from ‘everything else’ that I mistakenly thought I was, and heal myself of that, let it go, let go of the “misunderstandings clouding my light,” that brought distortion, darkness, confusion and chaos.

So I closed my eyes and let the hot water run on my crown and down my body and ‘looked at myself’ starting at the crown. And I remembered back when I did hands-on energy work, which now seems like a million years ago somehow, and the way I used to do a version of that–not quite what I understand now, but similar–and I ‘allowed myself’ to ‘see’ the clean light at the core, and to separate everything else from it, and then work on that everything-else, including on ‘letting-it-go’.

I went through my body this way, and was rather astounded to realize that the part I was ‘letting go’, once I hit my hips downward, was huge! Well ok, my body is huge in that region in particular so that’s not surprising, but what I mean is… I perceived it like there was this really thick blanket of “defense and dark and resistance,” and I suddenly remembered when Pazyryk (was it him? I think so) asked me, Why won’t your legs talk to me? and I realized that this part of my body, as it is manifest, isn’t just fat, it’s a really big collection of energy. “My” legs, suddenly, felt like this much smaller area, as if for awhile there I could feel everything else as ‘extra and additional’ — not really a part of me; merely attached to me, merely covering and surrounding me. But not OF me.

I did a variety of visualization of cleansing and light-body stuff.

I have forgotten some things. There were at least 3-4 periods when I cried so hard, soul-shaking sobs, but I only remember one of them in process.

I finished, and got out of the shower, and once dry and sitting on my bed, I wondered: what on earth does this cosmic light-darkness, and Angel-of-soul, and body-of-resistance, have to do with ‘authority and money’?  I don’t know.

P