Archmed on the first of five I feel like IG wants me to address. This one was:
There are ‘energies’ I am not allowing myself to consciously recognize and address. I want to work on what IG considers my most powerful and/or problematic points of denial.
It should be no surprise that my primary problem in this one was denial. Spacing out, intrusive thoughts, forgetting everything short of my own name. Fortunately I had a notebook in front of me so when I wandered home I could look at it, and return.
There was a lot more going on in this med than I’ve ever had though, in terms of my own self-discipline and determination. I’m shocked, but in a good way, at the seemingly mysterious appearance of a backbone. I haven’t seen that in a good 15 years.
Normally when I get real avoidance-sleepy in a med, I sleep. When I am uncomfortable, I get comfortable. This explains why I often spend more time sleeping than meditating. It’s as if I just haven’t had the gumption to fight it. Eons ago, I wasn’t that way, but sure have been the last few years.
***
We began. IG ‘left to get something’ for a few moments, then returned. Then she was building something over to the left of me, and I pointedly avoiding looking at the detail until she called me over there. It looks like a little pod for travel, like a helicopter without rotors. She indicated I should get in, and she closed the clear bubble over me and indicated, seatbelt. Kind of amused, I put mine on, and it ‘grew’ so I was strapped to the chair all over, even my forehead held to a padded top of seat behind my head. I had trouble not spacing out and I called Nero and said, please join me, please help me.
The pod levitated a little straight up silently, and then this white circular ring of something outside began slowly spinning around it, with a whoosh-whoosh feel and sound, getting faster all the time. Finally at some point it got so fast the sound got quiet and we seemed to just ‘port to another place, except we didn’t move, it was like the world moved around us instead. (As all this happened, I was reminded of an experience I had in my Bewilderness era where I clearly felt I was being ‘beamed’ somewhere, and also of the movie ‘Contact’ which has some similar symbols.) Once the ring stopped turning, Nero and I got out and walked to the bottom side of a very tall building. There was something like an elevator up the side but very small and straight up. We got on and rode to the top.
At the top we stepped off onto what seemed to be the roof of the building. It was large, and rectangular, extending out to my left and right. And the ‘floor’ of the whole thing was made of ice. Like an ice skating rink. There was ‘something’ around, so I focused and started working it out. To my right was a man standing reading a book. Farther on at the far right side, was a couple, actively dancing to some rapid music. Back toward me but opposite side was a big pile of peeled corn husks. Across from me but toward the left was a tall business building, ‘scaled down’ to fit the location. To the far left was a group of children and two women, they seemed to be in a school like setting. And to my immediate left was a fellow doing creative things, such as painting and sculpture and music. I considered them, focusing on the feel of ‘the four’ in my upper chest.
What is the point of commonality? one of them asked me.
I considered it all. Human-doings, was all I could come up with. I didn’t feel like that was the right answer, but I moved on.
As I considered them and wondered how to approach them, I had a small insight. Not a new one, just a reminder.
Hurt/affected archetypes are easier.
Aggressive archetypes are the easiest by far. Yes, those trying to ‘git’ or kill me.
Energies with a relationship closer to neutral take a lot more work on my part.
There is less inherent energy in that relationship when there is imperfection but no crisis.
Problems in our reality are an actual favor.
They help us see and connect with what matters most.
***
I approached the guy standing and reading a book.
Hi. Why are you reading? I asked curiously.
In the book, I’m in a world where I can create, he replied.
Why can’t you create out here, in this world? I asked.
He indicated the book, and said, Because my courage is in here.
I was nearly assaulted by memories from my life. Several different ones but all related to a woman I’d known in high school, who had been my friend. Lisa Beecroft was her name, now Jackson, and she still to this day qualifies as officially The Nicest Person I Ever Met. Her family was Mormon, her dad was President of the Ventura Stake so they were mormon with a capital M, in fact.
I found her family life fascinating and surreal. To me they were like something on TV. Something impossible. In my family, everybody hated each other, it was just a shared house of misery. But not only did her family not hate one another, they actually liked and even loved one another, which was simply astounding to me. The many siblings cared about the well-being of the others, and supported them in pursuing what they wanted to do and so on. This bordered on literally incomprehensible to me. Although I couldn’t imagine this being possible for me personally, it kind of fed me to think that this actually existed in the real world.
I surveyed the memories after the list of them and considered what they might have to do with the archetype. I could only think that maybe “family” was part of it. That they got their courage in great part from family, from the support structure in the real world. While I had none of that–actually negative amounts, not just none–and lived in books through that entire period of my life. I read usually 1 a day–sometimes more (even my normal reading speed is very fast, especially then). I was literally in another world with books, to the point of really altered state.
So I concluded that maybe this arch related to an element of my own life that in a more ‘subtle’ way was still a part of me.
I started to do a normal archetype approach with him and stopped. In my mind I began a variety of different things, but promptly pulled back. They just didn’t seem right. I felt the Four with me, and then I felt myself say, to my own surprise:
I AM your courage! and I merged, literally just sort of dragging him into me without asking, and the book, and the concept of ‘courage’, and got a really surprisingly powerful rush from that.
*
I did a brief ‘cleansing’ visualization through myself and then through the entire landscape. The pile of corn husks–which I admit was rather bizarre, even for me–vanished.
*
My mind kept spacing out and nearly falling for the seduction of daydreams. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I had the strength not just to gently bring myself back, but to do so quite ruthlessly, much more determined and disciplined than before.
*
I went to the two people dancing, a fast ballroom-style. I complimented them for a bit, and then I said, Why are you dancing?
We can’t stop, they said. The music never stops.
I considered this for a bit and then I observed, That seems a little exhausting. Don’t you want, need to rest?
Oh, yes! they both exclaimed. One said something I did not translate to words but it amounted to, something bad would happen if they were not proactively dancing. Like it was some obligation, or… defense, or… ‘upholding’ that was going on.
I projected ‘the music’ into an old phonograph and then took the needle off the record. When the music stops, the rest is silence I remembered, a line from a movie I saw the other day.
But they were panicking, freaking out about it. So I ‘reached through the middle of their energy’ and connected them with ‘the source of all music’ and then I chose some music that was very relaxing. I made lounging chairs and put them both into them, with nice relaxing music. I showed them how they now had control of the music selection, and how some music is best for resting, and some for dance, and some for dancing slowly, etc. so they could live any way they chose, and not just frantically dancing all the time. They seemed happy about this.
I merged into them, and got a little rush, but not as much as I expected.
*
Having failed to escape the meditation by ‘absence or replacement’, my brain decided my body was just way too sleepy to do any of this. I was literally passing out despite being wide awake previously, this isn’t at all unusual of course — in really hard meds I will literally pass out the instant I hit something problematic, or did until I recently got my brain to agree to kick me out into a memory instead, so I could ‘find myself’ and then come back.
I fought it. It fought back. I fought harder. It fought back harder. Then — astonishing some other half of myself — I literally slapped myself, hard! — three times, yelling out loud, wake up! wake up! wake up! with each, as if the ‘three’ part mattered.
I felt “fiercely determined” and I stomped the ‘resistance’ into suppression and continued.
*
I went to the tall business building. After wondering awhile, I finally said, Why are you here, rather than in a business district?
This was the only place there was room for me to be built, it said.
Would you like to be in a place more… appropriate for your energy? I asked.
Oh, yes! it said with feeling. I daydream that I will be a skyscraper and have light mirrored panels and can reflect the beautiful sun and blue sky.
You would be totally awesome like that, I agreed with encouragement and enthusiasm. Hang on…
I think I got the idea from the ‘pod’ that IG had brought me in. I sensed that I could just ‘reach into the center of reality’ — like the power point that defined its shapes — and I could “search”, like a search engine with fuzzy logic, for the “probability” which would be most ideal for this energy. I had a ‘dowsing’ sense in my gut about it, as I sorted through what seemed almost like a huge deck of ultra-thin cards, trying to get down and over to a few I could feel would be very good. I chose the one that had the most amount of “reflecting the sun and sky of blue” in it.
I used the approach I had with the dancers and their music, sort of. I ‘connected’ the center of that probability to the center of “the fundamental be-ing” of the building and they naturally pulled together.
Then I went into the ‘core’ of the ‘inception’ of the building and gave it energy for ‘improvement’, as if ‘upgrading its DNA’ in a way, and its whole history changed a little, and it became taller and more light (vs. dark) mirrored.
Then I merged with the building, and I had a small rush, but as it was merging with me, it was “feeling” rather emotionally, a prayer-ful sense of joy in its better-form and new reality, and I caught a ‘fragment’ of it thinking, …because my very reason for being is to reflect the glory of the sun… and I got a major rush from that ‘concept’ joining me.
*
I went to the children and two women, the class. I forget detail here. In the end, the students told me that they never got to play or in fact do anything but study even though they were literally ON an ‘ice skating rink’ of sorts. And the teachers told me there was no time for anything but study because it was their responsibility to ensure the students were prepared.
They are over-prepared for a world they’re never even living in, at this rate!, I observed. Why don’t you give them a break for awhile? But they were not willing.
So I built a big ‘sleigh’ and as I did so, I narrated the elements of it that could be considered “educational”. From history to metallurgy to whatever. Then I got everybody in, added a horse and big jingle bells, and we went jingling as it trotted us across the ice. I narrated the educational aspects of this, like in sociology and culture. This kind of thing went on for awhile.
Then I said, Why not do another round just for fun? We’ve already done it, it is educational. The teachers agreed, so we did, and the children were just bouncing with ‘new freedom and delight’. I then noticed something I hadn’t before.
You were ok with this now, this ‘play’ round, only because you’ve done it already, and are no longer scared, I realized. Your attempt to protect the children is actually because you feel you need protection, because you’re scared. Your fear has distorted your perception until to you, everything is threatening. So everything you do has to be geared to education because learning is a form of self-defense, of being prepared, stronger, smarter, whatever. But you’re so obsessed with being prepared to live you don’t have time to live! And these kids, these most-vulnerable projections of self, never get to grow up, as a result. They never get to take full responsibility, to be confident and be adults, to ‘take on the world’.
At this point I realized that first, I had pretty much ceased breathing entirely some time before for some reason, and super shallowly when I was doing so, and second, I was SO sleepy nothing was going to be able to deal with it. Just finish this archmed I begged to myself. I figured the first symptom probably related to avoiding emotion and the second to approximately the same thing. Sheer force of will such as I haven’t seen in myself for a very long time held my attention in place.
Now that you know, you are responsible, I admonished them. Release the children. They are ready to live. So are you! It is ok to have some fear. It is ok to be vulnerable. This is part of what challenges them to grow and learn. It distorts their growth, to keep this from them. And I ‘detached’ their energy connection to the students and absorbed all of them into me. Although I took in the teachers, students, and sleigh, I got no rush from any of it. That seemed confusing and just not right. I did feel the merge worked.
*
I went to the last ‘thing’ on the icy rooftop. The ‘creative artist’. I watched as he did a variety of pretty things.
This is lovely, I said. You’re very talented. Do you sell these things?
There is nobody to appreciate or buy them here, he said a little bit sadly.
Well… well why don’t you go where the people who would appreciate it are? I asked, baffled.
They might not like it, he said. I can’t get there from here.
I tell you what, I said. First, let’s just make a plan. Let’s organize this art to be ‘ready’ for others, shall we? And we took the chaos all over and organized it into certain types of art here, others there, and pretty displays that people could see.
I started to say something else to him, and then — perhaps because I was fighting so hard not to pass out — I said, I’m going to take you there. But I need you to work with me on this. I had a sense this had to be done ‘consciously’ by him too – not just an inner connection like I did with the building.
Now we’re going to focus, I said, first on ‘here’, then on ‘there’, and then we are going to FORGET being here, be totally AWARE of being ‘there’, and at the same time we’re going to kick ourselves with a huge emotional ‘impelling desire’ for this to happen, to push us. Then as soon as we’re there, we’re going to totally focus on what’s around us and eat and drink something, to anchor ourselves in our new reality.
I remembered that the first part came from something I did in my Bewilderness days. When I was bilocated and I wanted to ‘come home’. The entities always freaked out that I could do this intentionally, like it was a big shock to them. The second part was a leftover from a ‘faery’ experience in worlds that included where some aspect of the 3rd lives, where I understood that eating or drinking would anchor me to any ‘level’ it happened in.
We held hands, and we both went through this process, and forced it, and held the line while we established ourselves in the ‘new’ reality.
Then we merged. I don’t remember the result, but it was not much, even though I felt it worked.
*
The only thing left was the environ: the rooftop of ice.
Why are you ice? I asked it.
I am cold. I feel nothing. I am hard. I am not vulnerable. I keep anything on me from ‘connecting’ to the deeper life.
I brought in the idea of a beautiful landscaped rooftop garden, filled with actual potted trees and lots of soil and flowers and lovely benches and walkways and a couple arbors and so on, and I offered it this, and I found the inside of its emotion that knew it wanted it, needed it, and then I shifted this into being for its new nature. It seemed happy enough. I merged with all of it. Not much of a rush, though again I felt the merge worked.
*
Nero, I said, why am I not getting the normal physical feelings that go with a decent energy merge, since the schoolkids?
You have some energy that needs to work through you, he said. Additional time, food, exercise, experience, is needed for this. It will happen over the next 2-3 days, and that will also release the following energies to merge as well.
I shrugged ok. It occurred to me that the REAL ‘point of commonality’ all these things had was that they were all actually issues in my life. Things I hadn’t thought much or too deeply about but it’s obvious to me that every one of these ‘problems’ are rather overtly — the symbolism is not veiling it much — my problem.
And in fact that they do all relate to each other, somewhat — they all relate to taking on the Senior’s energy; to taking leadership, to bringing my creative art of any kind into offering, and I saw some of my ‘eternal student’ (in RV) self-presentation as, in some respects, simply an evasion of responsibility and avoidance of leadership.
*
We got in the pod and ‘went home’ to IG. I came to write this but could only hold off the now overwhelming desire to sleep for about a paragraph, before I had to just close it down and sleep.
I woke up a few times in the night, feeling crisis-panic physically, and realized that I had simply quit breathing for quite some time, to the degree that my body’s crisis had awoken me. I thought maybe it was a side effect of running into some of that energy in dreams.
Hoping to do the 2nd of 5 topics later today.
P
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