Tarot Ace of Disks

Thoth Tarot. Ace of Disks. I fell asleep last night when I was sitting with the Four, long before I even began the archmed series starting the Disks, so I got to it today around 2pm, after I finished working for several hours.

It sounded so easy. Lovely card I’ve always been drawn to. I talked with the Sun first and asked if he’d help and he agreed. IG had me relax in darkness and then when I opened my eyes, I was in ‘a world’ yet still in the dark. I started to just walk forward in the dark, and I actually had sense of my *previous* IG — two IG’s ago — warning me.

I stopped suddenly, remembering the sort of ‘final exam’ I had before he left me.  I thought, what the heck, why is it dark? LET THERE BE LIGHT.

And there was light, but I was in the middle of a clearing in a forest surrounded by all kinds of creatures. Fortunately they seemed to be minding their own business. It was a lot like a video game, some cross between World of Warcraft and Doom, where the creatures were funky and walked funky.

I flattened myself to something tiny and waddled over to the base of a tall tree, looked up it and then around suspiciously, and then ran up to the top of it, so I could look out and be safe.

I told my mind to show me a map of the world and its creatures that concerned me, and an early DOOM-style map popped up, with various little figures pacing back and forth and around on it.

“Show me the ace of disks,” I said, and it showed it was some distance away.

“Find me a clearing where we’d be safe,” I said, and it showed me one, so I ported there and then called it to me.

It was about five times as tall as me, and I couldn’t see it well, and there were bizarre angles everywhere, lots of flat planes but then interrupted by others going other directions so it was geometric chaos.

I looked up at its blurry sense of towering confusion and thought, “This is probably not a good sign…”

“Sun, I know YOU know my potential with this energy,” I said, negotiating-ly. “Please help me to really feel this, to WANT this, to have whatever I need to pull this closer to me, to work well with it.”  He agreed.

Half an hour later I was still trying to actually get the words out to the arch, which was approximately 10 feet in front of me, to say, “I honor you, thanks for working with me.”

Another hour later I hadn’t yet got the first words out. I had fallen asleep several times, fallen into obscure daydreams, gotten distracted, and been chewed on by several familes of fleas. (Don’t start me on fleas in August in the Ozarks. Tomorrow I am leaving the house and bombing it bigtime.)

Another hour later not much had improved. I think by then I had managed to get past uttering the greeting and stepping up and asking it to provide me hands I could hold.

Another hour later I was finally just getting to the point of holding its hands and asking it if it would lie down on a medical table for me so I could try and look at it and into it more closely.  At this point life interrupted with other things and, after paying the lawn guy, having a small argument with my kid about why she could not have my computer, feeding several more fleas my soft flesh, and grouchily getting back to it, I did finally manage to get to the point of it lying down in front of me.

The ‘rain of love’ seemed to help and I actually felt, as it rained on both of us, a little bit of buzzy-merge. Then we went through the sun and the wind and so on but I didn’t feel anything else. It shrank, though, the big multi-angled planes reducing regularly and I worked on ‘not looking’ and ‘letting it be.’

It kept shrinking beyond what I expected though, into a person which is not unusual if something starts a ‘being’ which it seemed like despite its oddity, and kept shrinking, and when it was done, it was a little girl. Like maybe 5 or so.

I had her sit up and sat down beside her and held her hand.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had an arch that was a little girl,” I told her.

“The energy is young in you,” she says solemnly.

“What can we do to work together, to integrate more?” I asked.

She wanted to swing. So I pushed her on a swing, but it was a really long slow arc of swing, and everytime I caught her, I felt as if she grew slightly, and then when I pushed her, it seemed like she was ‘rushing through experience’ not just air, and gaining colors and complexity and a little bit of age. Eventually she was done with that, and we did a variety of other things. Rowed in a boat, laid in the moonlight on the water, went hanggliding.

She was a teenager now, nearing adulthood, and we’d done what we could. I could tell I was still not integrated really, but at least I had some “working relationship” to start on that.

“Perhaps when I get through everything else, I can come back to you another day, and I’ll be able to take in more of you, and we could have even more fun,” I said, somewhat apologetically. She seemed fine with that, and I imagined her sitting here with me, holding my hands and both of us just rocking back and forth for a bit.

Then I asked her for something to wear on or in my body to better absorb her, and first she made two tiny whirling flat round things that she put in my head like behind my eyes, and I had the feeling that if you could see through my eyes I would look more like an owl with those. She put versions of that in all my chakras, and hands and feet.

I had a hard time ‘feeling’ what I should give her, but finally came up with just an energy ball, but it wasn’t until I put the sense of the four in it, that it seemed more interesting and she seemed good with it. And I hugged her tightly, hoping for some degree of merge, but there wasn’t any.

She left, and that was that.

I looked grouchily at IG. “Isn’t there some kind of CAN OPENER?” I griped. “Where I can just stab something hard and sharp in myself and PRY it open?  Why must I suffer hours of denial and still not be able to merge? That sucks!”

I looked at the Sun. “I’m sorry that sucked,” I said, still pouting.

“It was ok,” he said, but added, “The Will is the strength, but the sword is love, not anger. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I’ve been really angry and accomplished things like that before!” I disputed, arguing.

“It supported your Will in part, but the tool was love,” he said. “You accomplished something on those occasions despite your anger, not because of it.”

I thought again of the miserable HOURS it took to accomplish SO little it seems, and felt annoyed all over again.

Then I thought about how I’d really like to eat but I can’t because I refuse to walk into the kitchen for flea reasons. Then I thought about other circumstance, like my town’s movie theatre that will not put movies close enough to watch them together, and insists on timing that has every restaurant closed in the 1-1.5 hours between the movies at night, so there is nowhere I can go to kill 3-4 hours so I could flea-bomb the house, and I have no car only the cab, and the library’s closed, and tomorrow when it’s daytime the cab doesn’t run, and I just got pissed off all over again.

It is difficult to be all loving and evolved when things are eating you. I just feel irked.

And I didn’t even think this would be hard. I mean what the hell! It’s just a freaking CARD. It’s a pretty picture. Why should it be so hard? It’s just energy. It’s so retarded that *I* am so retarded, I swear.

P