I have found that:
  • → sincere prayer
  • → genuine intentions
  • → present-focus
  • → extended humor
  • → careful integrity
  • → constant work to discover and release all forms of bias in oneself
  • → dogged effort to pursue awareness, divine guidance and understanding
Leads a person to "interactive insight from the inside."

Consciously I want to evolve.
My ego resists strenuously.
I surreally "forget" so much!
So I blog for myself, mostly:
to re-read and remember.

People ask me where to begin with the complexity of the stuff on my blog. But my imaginal and related work spans 25 years as of 2016. So the real answer is "I don't know." I can't put all that in a sound bite. And one would have to understand, not just intellectually but experientially, a lot of it from start to middle to begin to understand where I am now. It is 'active imagination' work, resting on an extremely 'open' definition of archetype and energy, mapped at times to various occult patterns because they seem useful and otherwise just loosely personal; but that's not all. Short of how the blog speaks for itself that's about all I can say about it. It's a path I've built myself, for one. ~ Palyne

In the human spirit, as in the universe, nothing is higher or lower; everything has equal rights to a common center which manifests its hidden existence precisely through this harmonic relationship between every part and itself.
-- Goethe

Angels transcend every religion, every philosophy, every creed. In fact angels have no religion as we know it... their existence precedes every religious system that has ever existed on earth.
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

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In the beginning all was indivisible. And in becoming manifest, it became, seemingly, divisible. But the divisions must evolve to recognize themselves, and each other, and to then accept themselves, to truly know themselves by knowing each other. To begin, they are blended, confused; it is chaos, it is legion. They are all on the journey to indivisibility, to singularity, to the I AM. The point, of course, is not the destination, but the journey.

-- insight during the Princess of Disks meditation

Spiritual growth is like all other types: you absorb seemingly 'other' energy, and it becomes part of your own sense of identity. The growth is in awareness, and with that comes power which is always over Self.
Diversity is Legion;
Singularity is the I AM.
None of this is new although my approach to it is my own. -- Palyne

Inner Guide is Angelic. She is free of anything akin to doctrine. I call her an Angel because that is the only word I have for it, and because I know, all the way through me, that this is our word for her fundamentally divine nature. Aside from that, I don’t even know what she IS exactly, or what it means, or where it would fit into any model. She is life sized, soul wide, colors and gems and flowers and songs, everything beautiful that ever was, condensed into an identity I am completely in love with–except she feels like part of me too, so it’s like also being in love with yourself, and also with God, and also with the whole universe, both every tiny thing in your mundania, and ‘awareness’ as something so utterly, mind-bogglingly amazing — how could this exist? How could this not exist? How could I ever understand such a thing? — I am left only with joy, with awe.
-- on Inner Guide #4, aka 'Sedaena'. The first IG I had genuine conversation (and reading) with; the first real sign of my HGA.

He is so much inside and outside me, larger than me and yet the light of the tiniest particles of me, I don’t even have a word for whatever it is that he IS. I call him angelic and inner guide and the name he gave me because I have no idea what else to call this. It’s a Being and a Thing and an Event and a Place and a Relationship and… it’s like there is no label that is remotely big enough to encompass whatever it IS.
-- on Inner Guide #5, aka 'Mark.'

The boundary between the imaginational and imaginal is rather fuzzy and it is a developed skill and art to learn to stay there; to maintain your own autonomy while allowing the-others’ autonomy; to be shocked, astounded, grossed out, effused, and other surprise emotions from the interaction; all this without getting lost in the experience like a dream, yet also without pulling back to controlling the experience like a daydream. The former is being swept away by the river, and the latter is standing on the shore thinking about it; learning to walk the fine line of control and allowance to stay in that ‘imaginal realm’ actually takes practice. Crazy people think it’s all autonomous and happening ‘to’ them; people unable to allow this for themselves, may think it’s all imagination; and they’d both be right, because they are both lost; the goal is a whole world that bridges and encompasses both of those.

-- on "Interworlds Meditation"

Q: Where are you now?

Me: Well, back in my own reality.

Q: Wrong. You are in a reality version that distraction and denial have made for you.

Me: How do I get out?

Q: Wrong question. There is no space, there is no time. Where are you again?

Me: Oh. I’m wherever I "pay attention" to being.

Q: Right. You PAY attention. It is the currency of your soul. You rent your reality. Never forget that. The choice to move is yours.

Dealing with the unconscious has become a question of life for us.
The play of the imagination is incalculable.
~ Carl Jung

The imaginary can be innocuous, the imaginal never can.
~ Henry Corbin

A calling may be postponed, avoided, intermittently missed. It may also possess you completely. Whatever; eventually it will out. It makes its claim. The daimon does not go away.
~ James Hillman

There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there.
-- Albert Einstein


This blog documents much of my work in the "inter-worlds" of a greater-self. It's not just esoteric: every thing corresponds — the mundane, the arcane, the divine. If it had to be summed up you might say it is "a universe of personalization." A strange place where monotheism and ultimate-pantheism are one and the same.

I am a natural mystic, if spontaneous experiences determine such a thing. I am not religious in any way; only guidance from the inside drives me. No identities or models unless they are introduced to me from the inside. (Sometimes I use them simply for interest, or because their models are convenient doorways -- but I accept none of their doctrines.) I briefly studied theology at one point, independently (I consider constant prayer a valid part of edu too), and where it led me was "anywhere-else." It's fine for others of course. I consider the heart of free will to be that everyone has their own road. Or as Heinlein once wrote, the right to go to hell in their own handbasket.

This tends to make me obsessed with the divine yet not religious at all, in any form, which is often confusing to onlookers. I am ever in love with and in closer pursuit of integration with The Christ (which I consider a solar-planetary deity, exceeding and preceding all possible religion, though cyclically present within our species) but I'm not remotely a modern Christian, and this also tends to be very confusing to onlookers. I'm a student of archetypes and pattern systems, yet not a jungian intellectual - armchair philosophy bores me - nor a power occultist - which has its own issues (and uniforms) to say the least.

After nearly two decades of certain experiences I felt alone with and thought were unique to me, it turns out I find some harmony in the gnostic writings. I didn't get it from there, and am not fond of that doctrine and the paradigms it came in with, so I ignore it. Which means despite talking about just a few things specific to it (by unknowing accident until a few years ago), I'm not part of that model either.

The road I walk is my own. It doesn't really have an easy label or anybody else on it, that I can see. This is between me and God, so it doesn't really need to work for anybody else. I used to wish I wasn't the only person with such experiences or practices, and started a blog in part in the hope I might find others with something similar. Maybe a need for community. I'm over that now, at least I think. I walk alone, but Light is with me. Can't ask for more than that.

-- Palyne

When we understand that perception is as much about source as target; that energy is a spectrum and best psi perception comes from the center, its balance and blend; that the manifest communication of our Selves is the literal 'reality' we experience; that everything in that reality is a profound 3D language element; that insight with the ‘center’ of spectrum is likely to be via the language-symbols of 'reality;' that these need to be interpreted at the level they are received; this is the path for intentional psi.
-- Insight on the Art of RV

A Year from Then

A year ago, July 1 2016, I had open heart surgery.

It wasn’t any fun at all.

It’s been a year. I am still recovering. I thank God and everyone else in my divine pantheon for my life every day. Every. Single. Day.

The complete atrophy of body due to gradually 70% of nutrients/O2 not getting to body/brain for so long, and due to anorexia resulting from the malnourishment (talk about a catch-22), and due to 2 years of ‘nearly’ and 2 years of ‘totally but for bathroom’ bedridden, has made my post-surgery recovery a lot more… interesting, and vastly more slow, and elephantine-level edema that did not at all go down like the docs expected, adding a good 150# and other interference, did not help.

I can stand and walk and do stuff again. I can go up stairs (slowly), and get in my van and drive. My muscle and my cardio are not yet ready for much but I have finally built up sufficient muscle and cardio to do those things, which required edema loss and some “redistribution” (thankfully) of it before I could do them at all, just due to size-interference with mobility.

But years of elephantine edema seem to have either trashed or stretched my lymph system, and my apparently-not-quite-menopausal hormonal cycle bloats me like a blowfish regularly. I spend the time between recovering from that and losing a lot of water which then comes back on the next cycle regardless of diuretics, carbs, sodium, etc. During the losing-time, I feel better, and get more and more active, and then the next cycle hits. Sigh. I would rant about life being unfair, but I am so happy to have life at all, that I just haven’t got the gumption to gripe about it.

I still can’t stand on my toes, jump rope, or — critically — get off the ground once I get there. Well I can so far… but it takes multiple attempts, long humiliating efforts, convenient props, and is hard as hell and scary that it might not work. The main lag is my hip flexors, small muscles that in my case due to extreme heaviness in legs, and atrophy of muscle (esp hamstrings and quads for support), are just not up to it.

I determined that I had gained enough muscle and mobility, and lost enough edema (barely), that it is time (past time!) to begin a serious physical therapy program for myself. I have a squat cage I was happily using until the heart symptoms hit about nine years ago and it’s been duct-taped in pieces in the garage ever since. So I had a friend dig it out and clean it, and I set to work assembling it.

Home Gym

Home Gym

This was not easy since I can’t get on the ground for it. I ordered a weights storage rack, and a new weight bench as my last died way back then. And I assembled those, which was also not easy. Or rather, it IS easy — it wasn’t rocket science — but after each I was sore for days. Every new stretch or tension direction, I feel later. When you put so much weight against the ‘tiny’ muscles that also atrophied, they really feel it! And a sort of overtraining-style exhaustion as well.

But I wanted to be the one to do it. It just felt like… I don’t know… making your own magickal robe or something. Like it needed to be ME that did it.

I tightened the last bolts on July 1. That does seem a nice anniversary of the life-saving surgery.

Now 2/3 of half my living/dining/entry room are dedicated to it. There’s more mirrors now than in this early pic, but you get the idea. The irony is I am not in shape to even use it much yet, though it’s nice to have something to hold on to while slightly dipping (incomplete knee bends), and to sit on doing arm exercises so I don’t fall over. I have to get in shape, to get in shape, to get in shape. But it’ll happen. Meantime, I really didn’t need that couch, dining table, and large chair that used to be in my main room anyway. :-)

I work in the living room now, curtains open, and feeling ‘alive’ and ‘in the light’ vs. the solitary confinement of my bedroom for so long is wonderful.

I got out all my fabric and took inventory. I’ve been working on mocking up out of my head (which as I am not good at sewing let alone patterns is crazy) a pattern for some harem pants and a sleeveless duster (and soon a shirt) that hopefully I can make myself. Since clothes in my size mostly just come in pink mumus or cost a total fortune. The sewing project is in process still.

The front room carpet is vile so I put down a huge rug, and the gym mat, as I can’t afford new flooring. Better than nothing.

I’m in love with the idea of this stuff called mod podge which apparently makes decoupage something way easier than it used to be, and I’m determined to podge my entire house, anything that doesn’t move fast enough to get out of my way. The bookshelf units are cheap, as is a dresser I have like a credenza in the main room, and I intend to podge them. (The dresser with art, the shelves with fabric.) The loveseat is trashed by the cats, I’m going to see if I can do something about that. The walls with arches totally need some design around them and maybe the front, cat-scratched door. I am seriously intending to use fabric to podge the face of my kitchen cabinet and drawers. If I have my way the entire house will be radically different in six months. Vastly more colorful and patterned. (I was ‘bohemian’ before it was cool, ha.) I feel like “light and color” is just…

A sign of life, or something.

So although it has taken me vastly longer to get here, where I expected to be a good nine months ago, at least I am here: finally able to begin the process of body development and not just bare function; finally able to begin the process of improving the house I have not personally lived in for years and which looks like a ghetto hoarder lived here in the meantime. I want to make pretty clothes, even if they are tents, and a pretty house even if it’s just poor girl DIY upgrades, and have a little fun now. I dedicate the next year to “development” of every kind. :-)


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