Consciously I want to evolve.
My ego resists and I forget.
I blog, re-read, remember.
So I blog for me, mostly.
I have found that:
- → sincere and regular prayer
- → genuinely good intentions
- → present-focus, "interest"
- → extended sense of humor
- → honesty, sharing, healing
- → constant work to discover and release bias in oneself
- →
dogged (to the extreme) effort to pursue awareness and understanding
Leads a person to "interactive insight from the inside." We only grok by going through. Spiritual growth is like all others: you absorb, become aware, and via love (sympathetic rapport and desire to become or absorb) and will (directed intent), that energy becomes part of your singular sense of identity. The 'growth' is in awareness, and with that comes power which is always over Self. Diversity is Legion; Singularity is the I AM. None of this is new or unique. It's simply "unconscious and slow" for most people. I figure I can't help doing it, so I would rather do it well than badly. Darkness is not of the Nothingness. It is not the opposite of light, as it only exists within the realm of light itself. Darkness is just something-ness lacking color. The universe is fundamentally of light, and darkness fails to hold dominance and fails to understand why: its nature precludes it: awareness itself makes all identities children of the light.
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Posted by Palyne on 2011.12.16 I just grinned at IG and leaped out to go do cleansing and a chakra round in the gem world. I got a slight merge-like rush from some of the focus moments, but only some, varied with the gem. I told them all how I want to know them. I was feeling very positive.
I talked to the Four for awhile and ended up whining about how it’s just so damn boring ‘being with them’ and not doing anything else and they said that was my restrictions on what I allowed myself, implying we’d have a more ‘active’ time if I was up for it. At some point in there I was thinking about the gem chakra world and (they?) suggested that I should work on getting — this is my phrasing, it was a translation even at the time — “something of each chakra in each day.”
So for example, something related to (as one option) survival for the root — doing something constructive toward your future or health or safety I got would work for that. Not just something on paper or mental, something you gotta do with your body. And, something that is creative, sexual or ideally both, for the 2nd. Something that is intentional ‘discipline’ for the third, I got that would match it well. Something specific to the heart and I got that in the absence of having gushing love at that moment for something or someone, ‘gratitude’ was another ‘aspect’ of love. Something for
Posted by Palyne on 2011.12.14 In figure skating, it doesn’t matter how gloriously you can leap and spin and even flip; if you can’t do the 8′s so perfectly you score at the top of the big list of entrants, you’re not going to get to the figure skating part.
I feel like there is some corollary (analogy?) to this in metaphysics. Like, you’ve got to get some basics down–or simply have them innately, as some people seem to–like chakra health for example–before you stand a chance at truly exploring your potential.
Last night I was late for my midnight meeting with IG. I kicked myself all through 20 minutes of lateness, arguing fiercely inside about whether it mattered, and of course it did, and how stupid as long as I get to it, and look it’s a commitment so it’s the moral of it, and so on, until I finally was so disgusted at the internal debate about it–replete with almost-voices like my whole consortium of Aeons were split on it, I felt like I was in the middle of an entire crowd of people arguing–that I just closed my computer and started.
But first, I wanted to do the cleansing and chakra ritual. I figured if I do it repeatedly I’ll build up the thoughtform and get faster at it and it’s a good lead-in as it helps get my brain state calmed down some from the computer work.
Unfortunately, I never finished. I didn’t feel much connection to the chakra effort, I
Read the full article at Skating the 8′s
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/skating-the-8s/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.12.13 12:01 I realized, and slammed my laptop lid down and put an eyemask on and rolled out the inner world and was sitting next to IG.
I was getting a lot of subtle but unformed visuals. We were about to do something and then I remembered I had done no cleansing, and no chakra work. I asked if she could make me an inner world-of-me I could visit, much like the world of the chakra-gems, for a sort of repeatable ritual element (for cleansing). I thought it would help build the thought form and habit, but I also think now that it might make me more open to non-structured experience after a grounding in that.
So she did. I went into the top of a mountain and then into this tube I had to fly through and then it opened up into this big cave with a deep pool with steps carved into it and the water was completely opaque, not clear as is normal for caves I think. It was the cleansing water. I stepped down into the bath-like water in the cave that reminded me of thick salt water like in floatation tanks kind of, and the steps ended at a place that had me in the center of a ball of water that was probably like just extending my human form about 10 feet in every direction like an egg sphere. I stood there for awhile, though I felt that even several seconds, if I was focused,
Posted by Palyne on 2011.12.12 It’s not quite a cold war. But it hasn’t got artillary. Yet.
It’s got resistance. Denial. And passive-aggressive. It’s got Oh-I-Forgot and I-Just-Don’t-Feel-Like-It and I-Just-Feel-Frustrated-Don’t-Know-Why-Leave-It-Alone. But it’s clearly a war of sorts, when I back off a little and make it objective so I can look into it, and consider it.
Unfortunately it’s a war with myself. Now, “myself” has some rather extensive boundaries now that god knows how many other identities appear to be wrapped up in the surprisingly complex thing called “I.” Like Russia that was one country even though it was always little things held together uncomfortably and by force, but when Russia suddenly found some freedom, all the sudden all its inner identities started getting a sense of more autonomy. Civil war wasn’t really possible until the larger iron fist lifted off all of them.
Now they are a lot more free. Free-er to starve, and to kill each other, although of course they’re also free-er to do many better things.
That’s how I feel about my larger conglomerate. Does that mean the Aeons? I don’t know, probably. My not working with them I am sure is having some profound internal effects. Like letting your husband go live in another country with another family for 10 years and then being surprised when it turns out you have nothing in common and he’s got a woman over there. You let go of staying connected through the middle to the identities which are important to you and they
Read the full article at The Local War
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/the-local-war/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.12.09 Remember some time ago I said that in truly opening up my meditations closer to ‘anything’, I was risking that at least for the ones I could remember semi literally and translate into words, they might not be as… well, within the paradigms of what I consider relatively cool to blog about. In other words, I might look more like an (idiot? new age fairy?) than usual. I decided at that point that the blog served my inner work not the other way around so I would not let that matter.
Except I just realized 5 minutes ago… I let it matter.
I had a meditation which I didn’t bother to blog about although it was translate-able just fine. This always reflects denial on my part although, being in denial, I forgot that. :-) I put off meditating for a long time. Then I did another — and in a way it also reflected the same thing. Which I didn’t blog. And decided didn’t matter… again.
I was doing something else on my computer when the “observance and realization” just arrived that the last two meditations IG worked with me on, I have essentially invalidated, by choosing to not blog them — for social insecurity reasons.
This seemed so reasonable to me, previous to a few minutes ago when I felt like a complete dolt. So, on the assumption I can at least mention the fragments I recall, I came here to blog them.
**
Med 1 (date forgotten)
I
Posted by Palyne on 2011.11.07 Denial apparently remains the center of my meditative practices. Last night before the whole gems thing, there was a whole little segment of ‘conversation’. I don’t know with whom precisely, it doesn’t really matter on the internal stuff, usually The Four and the Aeons blend in and out seamlessly (as does private oracle and inner guide). This happens a little more mutually than it sounds when writing it down but this is the gist of it.
I remembered it today but had to wait till I was off work to come blog it.
I was in the middle of relaxing, minding my own business, when I sensed-heard:
Vows matter.
Me: Uh. Ok, and … ?
Seamless: For example, you have wedding vows you are not keeping.
Me: Excuse me? I’ve been separated since January of 1997! I’ve been living a continent away since Spring of 2000!
Seamless: Then you should release yourself from the vow.
Me: Oh. Yeah, I paid for the paperwork, but he never came back from Canada, and … and … well fine I guess, I don’t see why it matters but if you think it does, I can finish that off I guess.
Seamless: You got the church dues bill today.
Me: And?
Seamless: You ‘owe’ dues to two churches you have nothing to do with and don’t share a belief system with.
Me: Well they aren’t killing me.
Seamless: Vows matter. You could be an ‘inactive’ member.
Me: Well alright then, yeah I guess, that’d
Read the full article at Vows Matter
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/vows-matter/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.11.07 I got to IG on time. For some reason, making this midnight appointment seems critically important to me. Like it is a commitment. Not to be delayed or put aside for other things.
I sat by her for a bit, glad that my mind was fairly, decently calm pretty quickly. I had the Narnia soundtrack (orchestra version, minus the ‘white witch’ track) in headphones on lowest volume, and I sat in the dark.
I let shapes and concepts and colors and impressions wind through my head and around me, not attempting to touch or notice any of them, just letting them be, waiting for something to eventually resolve and present itself.
This was still going on when I realized I was distracted by this visual out the window. Out in the distance, in the dark, was this absolutely amazing green pyramid. Its green was somehow many shades at once, translating to that sense of it “feeding me” at chest-level I sometimes get from a mass profusion of spring plants growing amuck. The pyramid glowed in the night as if it would be seen for many miles around. It was 4-sided, but the bottom went straight up for a bit, before it shifted to the slanted dimension that took it up to a point. It seemed like it was lit, or giving off light.
I looked at IG. I still keep stealing glances at her, as if she doesn’t know, as if she’s going to disappear and I have to make
Read the full article at The Landscape of Me
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/the-landscape-of-me/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.11.06 I was able to get my thoughts calmed down a little more quickly tonight. I was about to ask IG if we would be doing something with “that world out there” outside the giant window, when I realized I was somewhere else.
I was standing in a rectangular warehouse-like room. Perhaps 30 feet tall and 40 feet wide and 80 feet long. I was standing near one edge, and it was utterly empty, ‘echoing with silence’, only slightly dusty not much, when something above me made me look up.
A line or wire was stretched from side to side, about 20 feet up, and a young boy about 12 or so was hung up on it, as if it went through the sleeves of his clothing and behind his shoulders, so his arms were outstretched in a slightly messianic pose. He was silent, as if he had been there a long time.
I went up there to him, and before getting him down, I felt as if I should do something… healing, in some way. Before my conscious brain made the decision (a lot of that going on lately), I had put my hand upon his chest and heard myself saying, “Perhaps our Themelians can commune a little.” It felt right, and rushing shook my body with warm shivers down to my knees.
I got him down, and looked at him ‘medically’ in a light-box like an internet light-box for photos except this saw through him energetically. He had a
Read the full article at Warehousing
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/warehousing/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.11.05 I was working industriously, trying to get an autohotkey script set up for something, and noticed the time, 10-something. At midnight, I told myself, I will stop working. Midnight is the magic time when I turn into a pumpkin.
Then a “sponsored thought” (I guess this is what I have to call my aeon-energy-without-specific-identity now) said: “At midnight, visit IG. Noon and midnight, every day. Twice a day, as agreed. The first meeting is tonight.”
Just like that. As if I had agreed or something. As if I hadn’t thought about it and done nothing for, well about precisely 11 months now. How many times have I had some intent to meditate and done nothing? I lose count.
At 5 to midnight I realized the time, and before I could hold a conversation with myself about whether I really wanted to bother, because I was almost through this macro I was building, I found I was closing everything down on my computer except grooveshark which I immediately switched from insipid pop to Narnia theme. By midnight, I turned off my light and sat up straighter and said to myself, “Ok. It begins.”
*
Shapes and textures, colors and shadows, sort of flitted around my head in typical chaos, and I worked hard to “release any filtering,” to allow anything at all, and this shape began to take form about 20 feet in front of me. It was high, taller than me, and had a very odd curvy top horizontal line
Read the full article at It Begins.
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/it-begins/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.11.03 It’s been an ongoing challenge, attempting to break free of the simplistic limitations of my meditation format, without simply replacing that model with something else just as limited.
I work to “let go” of some assumptions, only to find myself lost, because I don’t have any assumptions.
I’ve had cause to see, for example, that my Steinbrecher model was workable, a good start, but humorously limited and simple. So much so, that there aren’t any words for how much so. I wanted to let go of that.
I’ve had cause to see that certain assumptions I carried were interfering with what IG could do with me. For example that I expected everything to be a surprise in some “novel” fashion. If anything were to come through as something obviously symbolic, it wouldn’t be surprising and novel, and I would reject it. Since this work is all about symbolic, that has been a problem.
Or, it just had to be “cool.” Dragon symbol: ok. Fairy symbol: not ok. Sheesh.
I’ve had another “sponsored insight” as I call them, about this. I was attempting to meditate on Princess of Wands Tarot (still not successfully). I was carefully keeping out all ‘structure’, attempting to ‘allow anything’ even though I have no idea what anything might BE.
Currently, due to my 11 months of mostly ignoring this topic, I can’t perceive IG at all. I’m working in the dark but I assume she is there, and it’s only my obliviousness.
So I was waiting,
Read the full article at Filtering
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/filtering/
Posted by Palyne on 2011.10.31 I am often wondering why it could be that The Four were so spontaneously real for me, for so many years now, this understanding of being part of a four-fold larger entity (and upward even beyond that), and why others don’t have it.
I know plenty of people who are probably a lot more … what’s the world, evolved? … than I, and they don’t have this. Or perhaps they have it, but I mean, they aren’t aware of it.
It was my one day feeling some need for confirmation about ‘the four and my aeons’ that led google to show me that other ‘sethian gnostic’ stuff that surreally seems to lay out the same thing: one as four, surrounded by 12 (as 4 in 3 groups), so similar to the diagram I had myself created! What a trip.
I haven’t looked back at that again–partly because I worry it will structure my experience which I don’t want, and partly because I felt absolutely no energy from it. As if the person who wrote it knew nothing. Or, in a more esoterically fanciful theory, as if the energy were intentionally removed from it somehow, to prevent ‘recognition’ of its reality triggering others who would not have let it survive in the religious collection it has for so long.
I sometimes chance on references in writing, to the many-selves. Yet for those, still you’d think there would be so much more on this, other people with blogs like this. I just
Posted by Palyne on 2011.10.31 Back in the 80s? 90s? There was a movie with the underlying precept: time is money. Or money is time, in that case. In that movie, everyone was born with the same amount of time. They died when they ran out. Time was currency. In that story, the focus is on a boy who is very enterprising. Young in life, with his savings habit and ambitious work pursuits, he is already well ahead of most people time-wise. He often sees this rich beautiful woman in a big car that he will get newspapers for, for the extra bits of time.
Time marches on and eventually he is a young man, and his mother is running out of time. He has 300 years extra but there is no way to ‘transfer’ this time. He journeys to the city far away, to those who would have to give permission, and he asks to gift his own 300 extra years to his mother. They point out that nobody has asked to ‘give’ time in eons, in part because people are just not generous like that. The main decision maker is very moved by the young man. He is ‘wise and good’.
At the same time, the rich beautiful woman from his childhood — who still looks just the same — sees him, and tells him that she has arranged an investment opportunity for him that will cost him exactly 300 years, not by coincidence. It will give him the chance to truly move
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Reality = Physiology = Psychology = Spirituality = Cosmology = Geometry = Number = Sound = Form There is no difference.  Posts  Comments Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title. My work is not just study; it's prayer, it's mental techniques, it's life habits. It's not just about inner worlds; discipline and physical environment matter. It's not just spiritual; my body and world is part of it. It's not just esoteric; everything corresponds integrally — the mundane, the arcane, the divine. It's not just an '-ology'; my own identity, body, reality, psyche is key to it all. The only tenets of truth I hold are based on personal experience.This effort has spanned my life, but not until ~1994 did it become intentional, not 'til late '00s did it become fairly 'serious'. I've gone through many models and philosophies over time, but now I've none except what experience teach me. I am ever the student, but I've reached a point of "fluency" and "internal guidance" where I don't care about labels or other peoples' paradigms.
CATEGORIES on this blog are extensive and nested. Most everything that matters or repeats much has a category.
The TAGS are just minor notes of reference trivia. They are usually a rare experience, or an observation about something I read.
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