I worked 7:30am to after midnight yesterday. So, having given up the only working computer to the grumpy kid, I was too tired to do anything but sit and stare into space for awhile. It might have been an accidental form of meditation, because after sitting there for some unknown period of time thinking about nothing in particular, I had a thought that got my attention:

“If I had 8 hours to cut down a tree, I’d spend the first 4 sharpening my axe.”

Then I drifted back into mindlessness for awhile, until another thought was strong enough to get my attention. It was a memory from a recent movie where the people are in a dream and able to create some of the elements of it. One is shooting at bad guys and the other says, “You need to learn to dream bigger!” as he ‘manifests’ a bigger gun and blows up the whole target area. Even during the movie that made me go Hmmn. So the thought that came up, with the ‘underlay’ of the memory, was:

“Dream bigger.”

I sat there mindless for a little while more, while the back of my brain played chess with this apparently, and then when it decided how to apply it to my life in some way, it handed me the final package to think about:

“So I meditate on thing X or thing Y. But why do I not meditate on the power of my meditations? Why not ‘sharpen the ax’ with such a thing now and then? Why not get the maximum power and benefit from the work? Why not work on myself as a tool, to improve flexibility and allowance and reduce resistance? Why do this step by little step when maybe I should dream bigger, and make it more intense?”

I wanted to meditate before going to sleep anyway. This seemed like a worthy alternative to the several other things on my list.

***

Off and on through the day I had been working with the Four. Still working on “being with them” when I think about it, feel like it. The sense of ‘where we connect’ rather oddly moved from the center of my head to just between my heart and throat, center of body (spine). (Curiously there is a hypothesized chakra there which some modern, not ancient, traditions believe in.)  It got easier through the day, each time I did this, to feel I was ‘with’ them without having to re-visualize it repeatedly.

And it got calmer. My first attempts at that, previous day, seemed like they had some energetic effect on my head, where literally it sent my brain into such rapid-chaos-beta that my brain just went nuts and I could not pay attention. I just realized maybe that is WHY the sense of connection moved down! Hmmn. Anyway so now I was able to just close my eyes, feel I was with them, feel that ‘sense of connection’ in that spot, feel we were really all-ONE, and be calm and quiet with that for a few minutes.

I started with my prayer. To God, God always comes first. Even freaky esoteric entities like The Private Oracle, and glorious official entities like Archangel Michael, make it clear to me that God Is Always First.  I agree, though I sometimes forget, and others remind me.  Thank you for my life. Thank you for my role in this Amazing Game. Every time I wake up here, it seems so real!

I talked to IG. Told her about my ideas. Said I know SHE knows, better than me, and please flex my request into whatever its best potential was, from her perspective. Then I tuned into the Four for a bit. Then I was ready.

***

I opened my eyes and I was lying on my back looking up at the sky. Before I had much chance to think about that, some tall person or creature I couldn’t see well (only sense) leaned over and looked down at me. And then picked me up like a light sack of potatoes, threw me over its shoulder, and carried me off. Bouncing upside down through some trees it occurred to me this was… novel. Novel is good in this work.

He dumped me unceremoniously to the ground and not lightly, when we reached a clearing, and went off to others like him that I also couldn’t see, only sense. I could sense much more strongly a whole bunch of things-like-him but 1/3 the size, that I interpreted as children, that came to gather all around me with seeming interest. I did some visualization on ‘accepting’ to try and clear up my vision, and then I was able to half-sense, half-see, just part of them: they all had heads that looked like pinwheels. I mean the little toy on a stick that you blow on and it turns. Except they were all a tan/light-brown color and textured as if they were made of cork or something.

I gently blew on one of them and its head spun. It seemed to love that and then they all wanted that. I thought that might be a way of working with this bizarre archetype. Then all the much taller things came over and I could half-see just their heads, which were the same thing. I couldn’t help but wonder what energy would manifest as such a thing!  The main guy handed me something that was like, beads on a string all tangled. The beads were about half an inch in diameter, round.  The string seemed immensely long but all bundled up, so it was like being handed two handfuls of string and beads. I could feel that once upon a team they were in a pattern like some kind of woven circlet that had beads in the design, but now it was just a mess. Since in archmeds anything broken, dirty, wounded, or otherwise out of norm is to be healed, I decided that I needed to untangle this impossible mass of stuff.

As I began, I became aware of the Four inside me. As if we were thinking as one but I knew some of the thinking was not originating from me. I felt inspired to do something different. I held out my hands and levitated the ball of stuff.

First normalize the outliers, I heard one of us thinking, as if the problem were a statistics equation, and I shrunk the beads down to so small they were indiscernable and then increased the size of the thin cord to thicker.

Change the quality which most changes the relationship point of conflict, I heard one of us thinking, and understood this meant that if the problem was the string was all knotted up, then I could leave it as string but give it a quality that really resisted knots. So I made the texture of the now-thick string into a really polymer-ish slippery rubber that would resist knotting or sticking, and increased the size of all the knotting and the ‘air’ space between the cords, and then took one end and as I gently tugged it this way and that in places, it just fell out of the knots from that end until eventually it was all straight.

Now recreate the original clean pattern, I heard one of us thinking, and so I imagined a nice thin ‘weave’ of a circlet that had a bead at each opening place, and I wove it into that, and then grew the beads back to normal size and the string back to thinner size, and then connected it with more weaving, so it looked nice. I handed it back to the tall guy, who now was half-visual and almost-human looking.

He looked at it for a moment, and then he reached out for my hand. I put my hand in his and found we were in a different place.

***

I was walking down the irregular and dark tunnel of a cave with the pinwheel-head dude (now with a more normal head, though I still couldn’t see him well) behind me. Up ahead there was a glimmer of light but far away. We walked and walked and walked for what seemed like far too long, before the turns finally took us into a good sized cavern, filled with firelight and looking fairly bright and gold. There was an entire group of tall folks in hooded cloaks surrounding the room like a magical ceremony and the guy behind me pushed me into the middle of the open circle and then joined them. I couldn’t see any of them, I mean I saw the cloaks but their heads were hidden.

I was standing there thinking, you know, I’m not sure this is so good. If this were a movie, any minute now I’d be dinner, or sacrificed to some freaky demigod. I remembered the lessons I used to have in dreams, where I was dropped into a reality and it was my job to find my way out again: it was important sometimes to be courageous and polite. Even if you knew, as I did once, the people were hoping you’d fail the test so they could eat you. So I stood tall and with my chin up in the circle, looking at them as if I were completely unafraid.

All together they pulled back their hoods. I was expecting a room full of thin cork pinwheels but I couldn’t see well and what I could make out via sense was fairly normal head-wise. They all had something in their hands and they all held their cupped hands out to me. I looked at one and realized it was a handful of beads on a string. Well at least my symbolism, albeit mysterious, is consistent.

I felt the Four in me then, as if we were all doing this together, rather than my doing it alone. I raised my hands and levitated everybody’s handful of beaded string. I shrunk the beads, increased the airspace and cord size, shifted the texture/composite, untangled them all.

Lock the patterns in place for later, I heard one of us say, and we created an image in light of the unique different woven pattern that each circlet had long ago before the tangling began, to simply hold in the air. Then we wove all the patterns, shifted it all back to normal, made them nice and neat.  We shifted them back into their hands then, and waited. They seemed, feeling-wise, really happy about this. They all put the circlet on the top of their head, as if it were a soft crown or something, and then pulled up their hoods — and vanished.

***

I could feel the Four, we were still one, though. Then they pulled into separation and stood there with me. Somewhat more visually and kinesthetically than usual. It is always difficult to resist the urge to cry and thank them for the honor of being with me, or fall to my knees before the Queen and the Senior as Holy, when I encounter them even dimly with an ‘external’ element. It’s less-so with the 3rd (mate/twin) but there is great powerful love for him. I stood there calmly with them, working on just keeping my mind clear and calm and centered.

Then the 3rd of 4 merged with me, but the join was very mild in feel. He held up our hand and somehow, I could see my hand, and his hand, in the same place at the same time, which seemed impossible, great brain-effect! His were much larger with a very square shape. I closed my eyes and just let myself “be” with him. I couldn’t remember the last time that he and I had joined, since the 90′s, without the other two joining and then the four-join after. It was novel to just be with him. I had the gradual sense that this was my full self, and that we were twin souls, male and female in various lives, but while whole on our own, only half without the other, from another perspective.

As we stood there, I gradually started to get this other sense. It got stronger until I began to understand what it was. Joined like this, for a decent length of genuine relaxed shared focus, we had begun to be The One. I mean, I have not been this before — or I’ve forgotten — but I realized what I had indeed ‘thought’ of before — that when he and I are merged, there is another identity that results. A person, from this perspective. It got stronger and stronger until finally I could feel this ‘oneness’ identity. I could even sense what he looked like somewhat because he was me.

Does he know he is me, he is us? I asked my mate.

He knows he is of dual-nature, he answered.

If I’m screwed up, does it affect him? I wondered to myself.

It IS him, he answered. And me, and us. We are not separate except in attention.

Oh, I said. So… so if I’m having issues with the left side of my body and don’t relate well to Maelee, for him is it also –

Yes. He has issues with his feminine polarity, he answered.

He has them because I have them, or I have them because he has them?

There is no difference.

We stood there awhile more, merged as two, into three = one.  Then I saw someone coming and felt our (His) interest and body and everything else perk up, and I understood it was his woman. She came in, and I couldn’t see her very well, but I could feel his intense emotion for her, and I could feel her even more literally in a different way: it was the Queen, and the Senior, and — and whatever resultant identity their joining created. That fascinated me. I stared at what little I could sense-see, feeling drawn and fascinated and attracted and in love and more.

So all this time, all these years, when we merge and they merge and that result merges together, it has been these people, these two in the end — yet somehow I have never ‘met’ them before.

Our ‘One’ and ‘She’ spent time together, while we the Four were close but not really merged. But then they got into it — sex I mean — and all the sudden, I found myself rocking forward and back as I sat meditating, and with every motion forward it was like their joining, and physical and emotional and more rushed through in cycles with that, and the Four of us were really and truly merging now, and I had just tons of major body-rushes and gold-sparkly-fuzzy-warm-energy flushes and more — not sexual, but “archetype merging” feel, like the powerful ones.

Eventually that passed and calmed down, and we all existed there together for awhile, until I started to have a glimmer of what I felt was truly The One — the identity that is the four-in-one. But not… very well. Like I really just couldn’t begin to comprehend most of it, even with the rest of the Four there to share. I suspected he existed in a reality with a great deal more ‘awareness’ than me.

It occurred to me that if you were to build a statue to represent us, our singular-entity that resulted, it would have 7 heads and 14 arms, like one of those ancient vedic things. And because we each hold a certain sector of energy, maybe we’d each have some symbol in our hand or jewelry that represented that.

I think I eventually went back to see IG but I cannot remember. I did, but my schedule and competing for the only working computer made me put off blogging until many of the details have left me. :-(

Oh wait! It’s coming back. Ok…

I’m missing a piece, but then, me (the Four passively part of me) and IG were working together and the archetype — or something? I can’t remember what it was! — was this “spectrum” of people. I don’t remember the look or gender, only that there was probably a dozen or more, and each one was slightly different than the one next to it, and it was a spectrum of shades in a single color which was also in energy and identity somehow. One of us inside said something about finding the groupable-points and merging them so there were fewer variables to work with, and the many agreed to become three. The first one had a medical problem and I put her/it on a light table, called Tek for help.

I don’t remember much else except I know Tek and I worked with it. I’m afraid this stuff leaves me so fast if I don’t blog promptly it’s history.

The other day I read several old blog posts. As always, the detail was new and I realized I’d forgotten tons of stuff entirely. I just can’t over how freaky it is that this stuff does not want to stay still in my head.

***

Since then I’ve been working on tuning into the sense of the Four inside me more often. Earlier today — wait, that was yesterday (my sleep schedule is trashed!) — I was sitting here “one with” mostly the 3rd, and we were talking about this. I’m paraphrasing from memory here. What I get from him is sometimes words but more often is just a knowing that is too fast for words.

Me: I keep feeling like I need to turn something ‘off’ when I am not focused here, so the BS of my daily life is not interfering with the rest of you.

Him: The surface world is an ‘attention’ issue. We don’t perceive that with each other, except under rare life-threat-level conditions. What we share is the fundamental flow and nature of your energy.

Me: Well yeah but what if my health sucks, or I’m lying or afraid or something negative, this doesn’t affect you guys?

Him: It does somewhat, particularly the latter issues. Your primary energy affects us. It is not about the surface of your life: it is about energy at more fundamental levels. Things such as truth and integrity matter; emotions such as faith and fear affect your energy and hence us as well. Technically everything matters, but it’s a complex blend for each of us, let alone all of us, it is always changing, and it usually takes something powerful to cause a significant shift or point of attention.

Me: Well but — but if there’s no “off” switch,” then –

– and I realized that’s really the whole point. It’s a commitment — it’s a *responsibility*.  I mean, the way I was thinking, was like some young man going, “What? I’m married now? But what if I feel like staying out all night partying and sleeping with someone new?” and you just have to grow up and realize that if you make certain commitments, you reap the benefits of those, but they come with responsibilities. Curiously, I didn’t feel the negative of it — I didn’t feel a sense of “should”. I felt that I love them and I want better for them, is all.

I went to see the movie SALT very late last night. I was sitting in the theatre feeling them with me.

Me: Is this a problem? Violence, negativity? Terrible popcorn? I should eat healthy and be more peaceful?

Them: What matters more is that you “live”. Keep your attention fully in the present, as completely as possible. Let experience come about and come to you, and meet it with real interest and clear integrity.

I wondered, later, if they would be with me in other areas — not just when I’m doing something offbeat with IG in my head, but when I’m working and so on.

***

Earlier this morning I got thinking about some of the past random factoids I’ve run into about them. I mean, my own experiences have showed me:

The 12 Aeons as part of me and they initially once came through as each being a constellation;
I’ve had me as part of the 4 since the mid 90′s, and various symbols including each of us four a panel of light;
it was the spiritual awakening of the 3 that “bled through” and helped spark me, but that when I did truly spark, I “woke up” the 3rd who had been “hidden away” in some cosmic-level nearly biblical-overlay spiritual fashion;
and it’s clear each of the four of us have clearly different focus-energy, the 3rd with his courage and physical nature, me with the more service nature, the Queen with her compassion based wisdom, the Senior who is the commander and super powerful, he “is” everything–but he *knows* it–and hence has power over everything because it’s part of himself; although all four roles are leader personalities in some respect, he is the primary leader of us, and I am regularly getting hints that my issues with not fully allowing his energy fully in my life is causing problems because it’s tied into my own … dharma, for lack of a better word.

The brief googling I did out of sheer wild-ass curiosity that day, on “the four” and “aeons”, that led me to that obscure old gnostic stuff, eventually sent me away determined never to read anything about it again, I ranted about why previously here. But it’s niggling in the back of my head now. The “Four Aeons of Light.”  I did not call the Four ‘Aeons’ myself. But the 12 definitely gave me that name, and I hated it and resisted it and finally gave in to it. And the panels of light.. gee whiz. Here’s someone ELSE having documented — a couple thousand years ago?! — the 12 that are like a constellation that are part of a person; and a person as part of “Four Aeons of Light”; and each of those four having specific energy focus, the 4th being service; and the top 3 relating to the top 3 Sephira, and one being “hidden away” like from dark energies but awoken by another… it seems pretty impossible this is coincidence, as I know I hadn’t heard about that weird old gnostic stuff before, and the experiences that have walked me through some of these details were so spontaneous and profound.

But I find I have the same problem with this as I did with UFOlogy back in the mid-late 90s. If you have an experience, with components 1-10; and then you find that someone else has documented that same topic, and wow that’s so amazing and validating and so on. But it turns out they have 8 components, and only 4 match yours, and 4 others don’t at all. Do you assume that your others are less valid? Do you assume that if some match yours, that if they describe other things, that those are ‘true’ and maybe you just don’t remember or misunderstand? What about the things you have that they don’t? It’s very confusing.

Then part of my brain says, hey, if someone has actually got this stuff written down, they might know more about it or at least as much with their own experience-set, and you should really go back and find that stuff, and see if you can meditate on it, see if more of it might be true, might give you extra insight. Some part of me fears that, like I don’t want to screw up things with expectations. And I don’t want to screw up things with self-invalidation based on experiencing anything I have read about. Like I don’t have enough trouble with self-validation already! But partly it’s because when I read that stuff, I had two overwhelming feelings:

1- that it was written as if this 12-in-1-in-4-in-1 conglomerate of identities described only one first-man, like mythical Adam, or Christ, or whatever. That is clearly not so. If a proletarian California girl has this going on, it’s definitely not limited to spiritual royalty.

2- it just really felt like intellectualism, cerebralism, as if whomever wrote the stuff might have had or known someone with real experience, but it became a sort of… doctrine… words on paper. It felt like words, not spirit.

Yet every time I feel an “inner” shift that brings them or the 12 more powerfully through to my conscious awareness, I find myself longing for someone else with such things, for more writings about its obscurity, something to help my left brain open up to the non-logical experience.

P