Recently I did an Aeon round meditation (couple days ago). It is the first I’ve done in a long time. When I ‘touched’ each of them, I felt such a terrible missing-them, missing-me feeling. Like I loved them so much and didn’t know how much I missed them until then.  I used to get that with viewing, and still sometimes do, if I go too long without doing it, as if there is some part of myself that I only “touch” during that, and I long for it, and it for me, when I don’t.

It feels as if each Aeon represents a part of me and that part has a whole… potential of its own. Like instead of splitting myself up into body and soul, or into legs and arms, or into logic and intuition, they are kind of a way of ‘remapping’ myself into their 12 much more complex, conglomerates of energy. (Why 12? Why not 15 or 27? Who knows?) Every one of them is part of my body, my mind, my emotions, my spirit, and a lot more that we don’t have easy categories for in our framework. And it’s like… some of the ‘parts of me’ don’t… don’t manifest ‘enough’ in my attention or this-reality-focus, if I don’t occasionally touch base with the Aeons. And all the parts of me that are not yet integrated, and there’s a lot to work on still, they want to be of course, we are attracted to each other for that reason, there is a longing for that.

It confuses my linear brain that they (the Aeons) are not ‘less than’ me. Not … smaller, not less-evolved. I mean it seems to me that if they “compose me” — or something like that, is what it feels like — that they would be … 1/12 of whatever I am, in terms of… power, or sentience, or something. But it doesn’t work like this at all. Perhaps I am really only about 1/12 of each of them, is all.

Anyway, in terms of them as individuals, they are at least whatever I am. Some, like Nero, feel like more, or like he has worked to bring his awareness to more. Auk Sham (Calme) definitely is, and Taan. Hot Amanakhaton has gotten a little more laid back. I sense more ‘personality and humor and flexibility’ in him now. Marcan makes me feel a longing every time I touch him, for psi work in particular, perhaps because that is part of what he told me he could work specifically with me on, I guess you could say. They are all amazing, beautiful, complex, and I feel such love for them when I’m with them. Sometimes it’s more than I can emote. It’s like when you love something or someone so much you just don’t feel able to properly ‘express’ it.

Jared and the Other Life

I’ve long had a turbulent relationship with Jared and El Nino (well, with Jared). He is the roman centurion-like fellow who it turns out was the first Aeon I ever met, but I didn’t know it at the time. He was immobilized in a glass tower/pyramid when I first met him. A year later, after I’d started encountering the identities I later came to call Aeons, I again encountered him trapped in stasis like that. Even though I freed him and then fed him part of me to bring him back to normal — and we got his horse, which I still find hilarious — still, when we have spent time together, it’s been turbulent.

He’s had a huge emotional issue with me; he felt that I betrayed him.  He has showed me this whole… world, this life, where apparently we were both incarnate together, and we were incredibly close, both leading armies that were working together on some campaign. There was this huge plain and thousands of soldiers many on horses, at one point, a battle, and I abandoned him; didn’t show up, for political reasons, leaving him to his doom. Now whether this is some past life thing, or sheer fiction, I have no idea. But HE believes it and has gone through this with me more than once. We have worked through a lot of it, through his resentment and he let that go, through my regret, and our relationship has greatly improved.

When we met the other day, he wanted to share something with me and I opened to it, and was nearly overwhelmed by emotion. HIS emotion. He wasn’t resenting or blaming me. He wasn’t asking for guilt or apology from me. He just wanted me to feel it. It was what HE felt at this time.

So far, in the past when we have shared about this, it was obvious: he felt betrayed by me. But now, feeling HIS feelings, I realized: “it isn’t about me.” I mean yes, when we first ran into each other again, there was a major issue between us. But the fundamental of his experience was so much bigger, because it was HIS experience. He was feeling for every man he fought with, for their inevitable butchery-death. He felt responsible for them, and while he’d learned to deal with some death being a given, certainly not wholesale slaughter, which is what he was left with when I didn’t show up as planned and they were sitting ducks, overwhelmed by numbers.

The much bigger issue in his feelings, was that he felt his poor judgment about me made him the betrayer of all his men. They trusted him, respected him, followed him, they counted on him for their very lives.  It was his leadership responsible for their results. It wasn’t that he wanted me to feel guilty for what I did; it is that HE has felt so horribly guilty for his role (as a secondary effect of mine). That’s part of why he’s had such a hard time letting go of this. It wasn’t his resentment of me, as I thought at first. It was HIS guilt related to them.

I guess you would have to be in the middle of a huge battle and realize you’re responsible for the imminent slaughter of a few thousand of your men who are your people and your trust, to really feel the level of guilt and rage and betrayal and so-on emotion I’m talking about here, but it totally kicked my ass, that moment of horrible-realization.

On the bright side…

I felt that this was probably the last of it, or close enough. I don’t think he and I will have to be working through this anymore. I think that was the last thing he had to share with me, to really bring me understanding and make our energy more compatible again.

I didn’t say anything after this. Sometimes, there is just not a single thing you could say to make anything ok, or that you could say, period. Because you know… sorry can’t even touch it. And it isn’t about your-sorry, anyway.

I can’t help but wonder if all that is some bizarre fiction on my part. Not sure why it would be so consistent if so. Usually the one sign of creativity is that things constantly change.

Oddly, I have had zero indication of any other ‘lives manifest with’ the other Aeons. I mean you would think it would be all or none, and probably ‘infinite’ lives or something. But so far, he’s the only one, and only that one life example.

Doorways to Limitation

I was talking with IG, sort of. Emoting ‘with’ her as I do sometimes. Wondering just a little if I should close my eyes or turn around or something else that might make it easier for her to bring me an archetype, because sometimes I get the impression my expectations limit things. She has been so wildly creative and pushing the boundaries of what I expect or can figure out how to deal with. I was idly thinking about this at the same time I was just working on ‘being with’ her, when all the sudden, I think she shared her perception with me a little.

She thought I was so sweet. I felt her ‘sweetness’ on perceiving me and my efforts. That is another topic I’ll address in a bit.

The main point was that from her perspectives, what I am doing in archetype meditations, is like… I don’t want to say childish because we have a negative baggage on that word and she has nothing negative, she is nothing but love. But it is so… so rudimentary. Actually that word is too big and too advanced. If there are 100 points of ‘skill and experience’ I thought myself to be around, oh, maybe 30 or 40. But through her I saw: I am not even to 1!  Not because I’m not capable, but because that’s the limits on the experience I have allowed myself.

I suddenly understood that the kind of interaction she and I could have was so huge, wild, creative, amazing, powerful, I can’t even wrap my brain around a fraction of it. I can’t even imagine it, literally.

I saw that my little step by step process, despite that any one of those elements were fine if I wanted to do that or interact that way, the process — moreso, the “expectations” — were an incredible limitation. There aren’t even words for how limiting it is.

I felt as if, she had this entire world, this range that was cosmic, and such wild opportunity, and yet there I am down at the algae/amoeba level, walking through ‘the inner guide meditation’. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s been awesome for me. I’ve certainly branched out of it a bit. But… it’s a tiny little box. I never knew that. I thought it was a doorway but it turns out it’s more like a tiny little structure.

The expectations limit what we can do.

I was back to my own perspective and I thought ok. So, expectations about X are interfering. I need to let go of Expectation X. Then I sat for a bit and finally thought to myself, “So I need an Expectation Y, ’cause I don’t know what to do, if it’s not X, then what is Y?” Then I just cracked up. That IS the problem, isn’t it! My brain expects to understand. I don’t know “what to DO” without a framework.

Then I started to get the feeling that she was trying to convey a certain idea:

That I will never understand something when first going in. That everything that is a genuinely new experience is usually going to have a chaos-effect. It will be destabilizing, it will upset my equilibrium, it will be totally confusing, and I may not even be able to bring it to ideas, let alone put it in words, let alone blog it, let alone feel that it makes sense.

But in order for the mind/self to learn to deal with and organize a new pattern, you have to let yourself experience it a few times, work through it.  The brain will adapt. But you can’t adapt to the experience if you don’t have it. As the saying goes, you can’t steal second with one foot on first.

I had the feeling that my issue with lack of consistency in meditation adds to this problem because some things need regular ongoing work and time to shift during it, and you can’t just ignore the topic and then expect to spend an hour finally getting around to it, and totally make up for lost time. I even had the sense that sometimes these things are literally neural development and other body-issues, and physical time is sometimes required. Not for psychical reasons but for the reaction, venting, processing, accepting part of it in the human.

I sense that my great desire to have things make sense, be linear enough to make sense, is part of the limitation-set. It isn’t just the meditation ‘structure’ or my expectations related to this. It’s that I have a very difficult time with even things ever so slightly outside my norm.

I argued this – I do not! — only to be reminded of Ackrck, and a long conscious conversation with him, an identity who presented as my forehead chakra, and I argued it, and I resisted, and then I put off recording it for so long that finally I’d consciously managed to  block out enough of the memory that I couldn’t blog it at that point.

I started to argue that this was reasonable for me to resist and deny and so on, because my forehead chakra is not even decently functional anyway surely. And then I remembered all kinds of flash-memories that completely contradicted this. Hell I have all kinds of accounts online that completely contradict this. Yet some part of me holds onto that idea like some kind of defense or protection.

I don’t have very many spontaneous psychic flashes, and I don’t see dead people (haha) because I’m not really that psychic, I say, and I’m pretty happy about that. I can’t really “see.” The fact that half my internal work wraps into what I see, and many of my spontaneous metaphysical experiences do, and that a whole lot of amazing remote viewing experiences do as well, does not seem to dent this idea.

When I wondered why–because when I got objective for a minute I realize it wasn’t logical–I remembered that saying, that “Reason cannot change a perspective that reason did not bring about,” or something like that. My ideas about what I can’t do, and how psychic I am not, and how undeveloped my chakras are, are the equivalent of barring the door and nailing some crossbeams on just to make sure. What gets through to me does DESPITE me, not because of me. I don’t believe that because it’s true, I don’t really believe it at all, I just pretend — because of fear.

In short, I think I am so afraid of being crazy, of getting lost in chaos, of losing myself, that I have arranged all kinds of restrictions to keep me very close to the ground, so to speak.

IG is essentially telling me that growth means new things, means allowing, and that chaos and more is going to be part of that, and each stage will gradually ‘resolve’ to some understanding and new ability eventually, but there is always more ahead. “You have to go through, not around.”

There is no way to get some special exemption whereI don’t have to be the shaman walking the line of insanity, walking the risk of powerful interactions that are more than merely ‘in your head’, where I don’t have to be “the psychic,” where I get to be the logical reasonable one who is in control.

I can stay there in my tiny little world of pre-set plans, expectations, step-by-step processes.

Or I can work on letting go of all these mental models and let IG work with me the way SHE would like to if I allow it.

IG is Angelic.

A few times in my life I have momentarily shared a tiny bit of the perspective of an entity which is closer to the angelic realm to the human realm. The one unmistakeable, incredibly memorable, specific and recognizeable thing is the “sweetness” with which they perceive humans.

The things which we consider big dramas, even negatives, they don’t have the same perspective at all. They think we are incredibly sweet; absolutely adorable. It is like they live in the resonance of such … love, for lack of any better word, that they aren’t really even able to have darker emotions intrude on them. And they don’t see death and even bodily harm the way we do. They see us as a bigger entity, and this life as a learning experience basically. They do understand I think, and certainly don’t ‘want’ for us, to be harmed or killed, but it’s more like, “Oh baby, I’m sorry that happened, we’ll make it better [next time]” feeling at the worst.

The analogy — and it actually works pretty well emotionally — is how we feel about the most adorable kitten or puppy ever. When we see them accidentally fall over backwards, or wrestle-fight, or fall sideways off the couch or miss a jump, we just think they are so sweet. It’s like even if they are a little bit ouchie’d by the crash, even if we are sorry for that, we are still kind of laughing and filled with the feeling of how adorable they are. That is how the few closer-to-Angelic-realm entities I’ve encountered have felt about us, about humans.

IG felt like that. For just a moment I had some of the feel of her, before she got into more specifics of communication. And there it was. That utter sweetness. That sense that she loves me so incredibly and I am the most adorable thing in the universe. Everything about me. From the stupidity and the stumbling to the stubbornness and the fear to the courage and creativity — all of it. That is how she perceives it.

That helps me. I suddenly let go of a lot of like… expectation, and guilt, and sense-of-’should’, and so on. There is no point in apologizing to her about anything. There is no reason to feel stupid or embarrassed or limited. The whole ‘guilt’ and ‘should’ thing — that is not even part of her reality. That is like this totally artificial layer of confusion that humans just graft onto stuff, just like my expectations of what could or should happen when she and I work together are a little artificial ‘structure’ created so far down there in the canyon floor it can barely be seen. All she’s got is love and delight and creativity and even a great sense of fun and humor.

I guess it shouldn’t be surprising, but it was to me. I was thinking of her like some slightly more ‘aware’ part of my psychology. No. Regardless of what relationship she and I’s energy may have–I don’t know that detail — IG is an angelic entity of her own.

Who knew. That’s so cool.

P