Consciously I want to evolve.
My ego resists and I forget it all.
So I blog, re-read, remember.
I have wandered various paths, systems and influences, but now, I have no official doctrine but the structure of my experience. I am one of Four who make a larger soul; there are twelve who combine around and within mine. Chakras (and their mates) are entities. We are STARS and spirituality is cosmology. Tarot and Astrology (to my surprise) represent identities who are powerful pieces of the universe; pieces of me.
|
Posted by Palyne on September 1, 2010 at 4:44 pm Central
It’s been a rather long time since I did a complete and serious Aeon round, going through all 12 and really focusing with them, really letting myself emotionally feel how much I want to know them within me, really making an effort to merge and better-integrate.
Today was my mother’s birthday. She died when she was 37, when I was 9, and most years I try to do something specific on this day. If nothing else, just spend a decent chunk of time thinking about my life. About who I want to be. About what she might have wanted for me. About the advice that she might give me, from wherever she is.
Sometimes I try to do something courageous on September 1st. I feel like she would want me to be courageous. I don’t remember a great deal of her, but I do remember that she was often telling me to ask for what I wanted in life. “The worst they can do is say no,” she used to say. I have always had a difficult time asking for anything, or accepting anything. I have gotten better at the latter, I think. My birthday is Sep 14 and to some degree, the ’space between’ her birthday and mine is often a thoughtful period.
I can hardly believe I’ll be 45 in two weeks. Somehow my brain stopped grokking the advance of my age somewhere around 26, 28 or so. My body moves on, but my mind doesn’t. Ever since my 40th birthday, which was possibly one of the worst days of my life but for a few, I haven’t really been upset about my age. Just a little bewildered by it. Shouldn’t I be smarter now? Or something.
***
So this morning I went around the Aeons and really felt I was touching base with them. I reached Marcan and was thinking about the black-eyed man I had met him in the dream with initially, and it suddenly occurred to me: why can’t I just do a meditation on that energy? Right this moment? Deal with it! If it was that powerful in my dream it nearly kept me from one of my own Aeons, an integral part of me, then this is not a good thing. I asked IG, Nero and Sun and worked on it.
It was just a really nasty black insectlike tentacled critter as an archetype. I did a heck of a lot of cleansing and energy stuff on it before it seemed mostly ok. It still seemed to have some issues, but the Senior’s energy must have been with me — at least I blame it on him when I get in these modes — as I decided that anything of me I control, and that energy is technically of me, so I simply absorbed that archetype — like, without asking, and in command mode — and then simply made the remainder of the energy pattern what I required it.
I ended up merging with Marcan and then with each Aeon after that, and then went back over the first few and added them. This has the funny effect of making me feel “thick and stiff inside,” like wearing too many winter clothes, but on the inside instead. I can’t remember which it was, but on the first one where I thought and felt, conceptually and physically, like I really wanted to FEEL the GEOMETRY inside me, like I wanted to feel their ‘angles and spaces and lines’, I got a lot better merge at that point. I don’t know why but I really just seemed attuned to the whole geometry bit.
Today I had an idea and with each Aeon I would say to me/us, “show me any energy blocks to ____” (the Aeon) and I would perceive these various shapes in various places in my body, and then I would work on ‘letting go’ of them, and sometimes I’d have to stop and proactively do healing-style work on them (Tek helped). Once I felt like there were big cone-shaped ‘rubber plugs’ — non-conductives — right in my chakras. One there was a really major block in the pelvic region a little to the left which I ‘felt’ was ‘damping down’ kundalini energy.
One of the humorous things was that the ’shape’ of the ‘blocks’ for each Aeon was different. Not only that but some of them seemed to make a sound when leaving me, and some seemed to make a sound as if they fell out of me and hit the ground. One had thin, semi-glass, round disks. One had perfectly spherical balls that made a funny plop sound, like when people pull their thumb in their jaw, a sort of wet pop sound. One had a flat short rectangle topped by a 3 sided triangle on one flat side. Every block felt different in size, shape, composite, sound of leaving me or falling to ‘ground’ outside of me. That had not occurred to me consciously so it seemed… creative. “Anything novel is good” in my book.
Sometimes I would have the sense of a really big, substantial block that was almost shocking. I think it was for Nedlund, where the block was the shape and size of a big watermelon and it was essentially lodged in the back butt/thighs (where I carry most of my weight). There is some humor there, obviously, but it was hard not to think of the concept of fat as ‘body armor’ and wonder if maybe a lot of ‘energy blocks’ might be in fat.
Maybe there’s something to that. Scientists now say it’s a ‘distributed organ’ like skin, it’s a key part of the immune system, and adipose tissue ‘increases’ (rather the way an organ enlarges) under health threat. When its ability to increase ceases (such as genetic limits) disease then kicks in as it’s not protective anymore. And once it reaches a certain quantity it begins protecting itself, it appears to create or release hormones, all kinds of stuff nobody realized until recently (it was ‘inert luggage’ until then). So if this tissue is used to store toxins and so forth, walling them off from everything, proactively protecting the body from its contents (in part by refusing to give up those contents), then it almost seems like a big part of its nature IS “non-conductive” when you think about it.
Anyway, after I had all the Aeons, I decided that was a fabulous moment for some quality time, with a focus during of releasing blockages (including that they have with each other), increasing integration. Brief but nice! I felt like it did help with them. Then I focused on the Four a little.
Then I felt much better about everything. I took a shower and lit some incense and felt like All Was Right With the World. ;-) It’s raining! It’s supposed to storm a little. That seems perfect for some reason.
I believe that it was working with the Aeons that caused me to release that horrible lifelong overdone ‘artificial guilt complex’ and so, to me that indicates that better integration with them can have fairly profound effects. I need to have them more strongly in my life. I’ve also lately had much more of the urge to ‘embody them around me’ in some way, as if it will bring their energy more fully into my reality.
My next med is 8 of Disks, ‘Prudence’. That’s something I need more of. When I get through all the disks, I would like to do a few personal meditations, a few Tek meds, a few things IG can choose, and then continue with the Tarot.
I wonder if I should schedule some time to just ‘be’ with the Four and have IG do… anything or nothing or whatever. The hard thing is, you know, that I have to keep my mind from wandering, but technically when the experience can be ‘anything’ you kind of have to go with ‘wandering’ because ’spontaneous imagination you aren’t driving’ is how it starts. Tends to result in a lot of sleeping and not much meditating. ;-)
Total trivia: the spine is so interesting. Do you know, it has 7 of one kind of vertebra (neck area), then 12 of another, and then 5 of another near the bottom, and then a major bottom-piece, and then one tiny tailbone (literally). These numbers are a big deal in some systems. When Ray and I merged today I felt as if he were part of ‘the strength of my backbone’ and I mean that in the psychology way not just the physical way.
It made me wonder if maybe some of the things in our body are mapped to, or at least affected by, major ‘aspects’ of ourselves such as Aeons. I get so much of my merge-effects in my neck, from my lower head down to the shoulders area, as if my spine is really connected to all this stuff, particularly the “C” vertebrae up top.
Palyne
Posted by Palyne on August 31, 2010 at 7:02 am Central
Thoth Tarot, Seven of Disks, subtitled “Failure”.
I stared at it for awhile. If I had a clue what the symbols on this card meant it might help, but I don’t. After sitting with it for awhile, I wondered if maybe failure, and the other ‘negative’ cards, are technically energies just as righteous as any other. People learn from failure after all. It is often part of a cycle that resolves. I wondered, if you had a cycle or things, surely there would be at least one point where the energy was just not cohesive enough to succeed at continuing through the top of the cycle, yet was in momentum enough to not simply rest at the bottom.
Maybe this energy on its own doesn’t have any more meaning than we give it; like in music, there are “transition” chords and notes, and it would bother anybody to have ’stopped’ on that and not ‘resolved’. But that doesn’t make that transition energy any less valid or more ‘bad’ than any other in the world. In fact you could say that everything is equal and it’s merely how we arrange them, and in that case, that particular energy got to play the ‘transition’ energy — not strong enough to push to resolution within that particular structure, but strong enough to provide momentum toward it –maybe next week some different energy would play that part.
When you think about it, many things in our lives that we initially consider failure, we later consider merely a stepping stone to something else that turned out better, or differently. Maybe as a concept it isn’t the energy that fails that is really the focus. I’m having a difficult time articulating this. Say you have a 13-man team and half don’t show up and the others make a big effort but lose the game. They did not succeed; that is failure. But was the “problem” issue there, the energy of the game, or the energy of the team? Seems to me the problem was the lack of sufficient… integrity of the full-team-body which led to the lack of completion of the intent which is, in a nutshell, “failure”. That as a formula it becomes:
{proactive-intent} + {lack-of-sufficient-integrity} = {inability-to-reach-completion}
In English, ‘integrity’ has more than one meaning — both objective and subjective (moral/ethical) — which makes that an interesting formula.
I had this grand idea that maybe I could get through count-them-four of the Disks last night. Yeah right. As if I’m not lucky to get through any ONE. I kept getting lost. It was a miracle I even got to that point; I left out that it took a long time of wandering and re-starting. Once I have merged with an energy it doesn’t seem to have that same ‘avoidance’ issue but until then, actually reaching it and working through till the end is hell. I thought that maybe, like with “Worry”, I was actually experiencing the energy of the card as part of the process, which seemed funny.
IG waved a hand, and three sets of four light-spheres joined me. I had no idea what this was. Later I thought it might be the Aeons. I’ve often perceived them with galaxy-overlays so maybe in some natural form they are orbs of light and they’re just “personalized” with me normally. Why this wasn’t kind of obvious at the time, I don’t know.
I also saw a pattern I didn’t really understand, a geometry that looked kind of like a square grid, except 80% of each side in the middle of it stuck out just a little bit farther than the rest, not quite a cross look, but getting there, like just far enough to clearly not be a square, but not far enough to be a cross, either. I thought about this for awhile, still had no idea what the heck it might mean, and gave up.
Then I fell asleep, woke up, did this repeatedly, getting lost, and finally woke up in the morning and tried again, falling asleep repeatedly, thankfully the snooze on my alarm kept waking me up.
IG must have had pity on me. As I struggled to stay awake, alert, and not mentally wandering, this big sphere or ball came rolling rapidly toward me. I stood offside and watched it roll rapidly past me, and I followed it. Finally, something, after it seemed like forever of getting no info at all. I flew after it, and it went right off the edge of a small cliff. I stopped up on the cliff edge and watched it fall to the ground, hit and split open, and there were a bunch of people in it. I couldn’t see them, I just understood they were there.
I went down to the people and studied them, coming to the realization that the sphere was “one” thing, but the people were “many” things, and that this was LEGION on a small scale, the ‘diversity of intent’.
“Why are you all separated?” I asked them.
“I am divided for love’s sake, for the chance of –”
“Bullshit!” interrupted another. “We’re –”
“Because –”
…and then I got nothing else because a bunch of people were all talking at the same time. One thing was obvious: they all had a completely different opinion on — and attitude about — why they were separated.
I stood there staring at them while they argued. What is the point of commonality? I wondered. Where is the energy that brings them together? And then I felt that it was this string or cable, it looked like it was made out of the same stuff the ‘light beings who wear [shorter] humans like suits’ seem to be made of, that super smooth, soft but intense white opaque light. It came from “the center above” — maybe the center of the galaxy, like I imagine when I’m doing my grounding before meditations — but I understood that it was same point of divine for all of them.
The other end of the cable was elsewhere but the bottom was with me. I threaded it through each one, as if I were making a flexible shish-kabob out of them with it, and when I was done, I imagined I put it in the ground and down to the core of earth, and then it pulled tight. They were all then aligned on the string, through their torsos, and they just slid into each other. I got as this happened that this is like the future of my Aeons (perhaps they were charade-ing for me in this), that the ‘awareness’ a level of above brings them into one Being. I also got a very good physical merge-rush, strong enough to surprise me. Then I realized that they were part of me, too, and I merged with the single-entity that had remained, and got another much smaller but still decent rush.
I thanked IG and leaped up to make the kid breakfast before school. If these didn’t take me a hundred tries and sleep and more to finally “get through,” my evening meditations would quit running into my mornings!
Palyne
Posted by Palyne on August 29, 2010 at 12:11 pm Central
I told IG I wanted to meditate on whatever she thought was best. Then I did a litany of whining. Then it was time to meditate.
I felt as if I were repressing or restraining something and several times had to really make myself relax and allow.
Finally I saw something. I didn’t know what it was. I had the feeling that, like a med I had recently, my brain had distorted it, and I should look away, allow it to change, then look back, and it might be something similar, but would probably be different. So I did that.
When I looked back, there was something to my left that looked like… a 3 or 4 blade rotor of some kind, as if it were sticking out the side of something. (If spinning, it would have moved something sideways, not upward.) I slowly walked around it, finally able to ’see’ — as the energy was hard for me to get clearly at first — that it was attached to a cube. Around the opposite side, the cube had a doorway in it, and I opened it, then peeked around the edge, and then went in.
I was in a tiny room of what seemed a high-tech one-man vehicle. The rotors seemed a little old fashioned given the tech inside. A big screen in front of me showed the world straight ahead. Screens above and below that showed me the top and bottom views, and to each side the left and right views, and a larger screen to the far right showed me the view looking behind. There were displays and meters and dials and such all over the place. I sat down in the chair in the middle, and it began to move.
I marveled a little at the visuals. I mean, getting count-them-six different screens to show different dynamic visuals at the same time all kinds of other things around me were new and visual, is really quite a complex thing. I noted that on the other hand, I was not able to ‘focus on’ more than a couple of the screens (with their moving landscapes) at a time, but then again, I considered, I probably couldn’t in normal life, either.
I had the feeling this would take awhile depending on me, so I closed my eyes and relaxed and “allowed it” since I didn’t want this to take so long I fell asleep in the middle. This has been {a word here I missed, that meant buried/gone/hidden} for forty years, I heard IG say as if at a distance. That seemed like I must have heard her wrong, since I had the sense of underwater, and maybe like a shipwreck or something at the bottom that was valuable. Maybe she said something else and I mis-heard her, I thought in some confusion. I relaxed, and after a little while I felt a slowing and then a slight dropping and then a bump of landing on something.
The screens showed I was under water and deeply. I understood I should go outside. Scuba gear seemed a little much. Can I just have some kind of high tech clear light scuba? I asked IG, who coated me with it. I can’t open the door or the cabin will flood, I realized, then felt the cube grow, and understood this was an inner door. I opened it and went into a small compartment between that and an outer door, and pressed an ‘open’ button. Water began filling around my feet, and after awhile, apparently water above my head and pressure were ok as the outer door opened. I thought it must be kind of funny to IG that my brain requires all these things to “make it ok” even when everything is happening in my head!
I walked around slowly. I didn’t really see much, and then had the sense that I had landed on whatever I was looking for. I walked around the other side of the cube and saw that there was a drop-off, not a big one, and I couldn’t figure out how to get to where I needed to go. I was hesitantly climbing down this one area when the 3rd appeared a little below me and held out his hands to help me. It’s you! I said in relief and delight, and when we reached the bottom, I threw my arms around him. I didn’t know why he was there, in my assumedly archetype meditation, but a few times the last months the Four have showed up in those, so maybe it’s just part of being a little more integrated.
He walked with me along this area I can’t put into words very well. I realized after a little while that we were IN something. I mean, I was thinking that maybe we were going to find a shipwreck or an object. But we were in a PLACE. Like an entire location that for some reason was super deeply underwater. I closed my eyes and asked my mind to send a ground-penetrating-radar through the place, and make me a map of what we had underneath what seemed like just uneven ground and water.
The map showed that we were standing in an area that was an oval shape, and literally in the middle which was another, ‘open’ oval. Around us, separated by what would have been perhaps a half-wall, but with roofing, was a wide corridor all the way around, and beyond that I wasn’t sure what it might have been at one time. After thinking about it a bit, I wondered if it was seats, and this had been some kind of arena. I really had no idea. Nor did I have the foggiest clue why IG would be bringing me to a ‘place’ underwater when I had thought we’d likely be doing an archetype meditation. I did not see anything that felt like an archetype. I was not going to ask IG. Not after all my whining about these meds getting too easy.
There must be something that I am here to find, I told the third. I told my mind, Do a radar scan of this region and especially the flat oval area that we are standing in, underneath, and show me where “whatever I’m supposed to find” is. The mental map showed me a big blob some distance ahead and under the ground. So we went over there, and I made an energy beam that would dig around it.
It was taking awhile, when the Senior and the Queen showed up. Like the 3rd, they seemed somewhat more… ‘directly-perceivable’ than usual. I hugged both of them, though as always I had to resist the fall to my knees in marvel at their glory effect. They took the lead on the dig and before long a huge encrusted rock-blob was set above ground next to its hole, and after some more work, everything that had apparently grown on it or attached to it was gone.
The degree of ’shine’ in the gold was amazing. The whole thing looked to be solid gold, inset with what looked like gems and semi-precious stones. It was much taller than me. It was a sculpture I guess. It looked a lot like the Vedic sculptures except of gold, not stone, and big, and instead of just having multiple heads and arms, it had 4 figures, sitting, back to back. Facing me was a person, sitting with their legs crossed, holding a couple things in their hands, wearing something on their head, and their back was to 3 others just like that, except each had a different look, different thing in hands and on head, and then there was something in the middle sticking up that was connecting to all the things on their heads and was a few levels of flattened ’round’ and some stuff I couldn’t see well.
I stood with the rest of the 4 staring at it. The part my brain wasn’t getting was, what does this have to do with an archetype meditation? Didn’t I ask IG to do whatever she thought was best? Surely that would be an arch, or cleaning? Why would it be a statue of The Four?
I get from the Senior, though not in plain words but understanding, that I am taking this back to my world and I am putting it somewhere in my house, and making it something akin to a shrine, put in a place I will take care of and give honor. I just look at him, my awe of him momentarily distracted by my reaction to this. First off – I don’t have room! This thing is huge! Second of all — how would we get something from “underwater in the world of my head” to my house?? Third of all — a shrine? A shrine? Are you kidding me? All this ran through me as I stood there, astonished and perplexed.
He shrank it until it was about four feet tall. It was still about four feet wide at that point. Then he levitated it and we all put one hand on it and guided it back up to the cube, which expanded quite a bit, and then the outer door opened. They went in with me, and the outer door closed, the water drained, and the inner door opened, and we brought it into the pod with us. The room expanded and they each took a seat around me, and I sat down and closed my eyes, and let IG bring me back to “my” world where we had (one assumes) begun.
We brought it out and IG was there. I’m standing there, this thing is dripping quite realistically, and I’m thinking, WTF? Where am I going to put this thing, in my tiny house?
We can make it any size, the Senior says. I understand that it can’t be anywhere but my room because I can’t give it enough attention elsewhere. I have the feeling that regularly ‘noticing and paying attention to it’ matters for some reason. I look around my room. I ‘get’ that he can see what I see.
I could put it here next to my bed, on my little chinese table that has the incense stuff on top of it, I tell him. If it were small enough to fit. But does that mean I can’t have anything sitting where it is? Must I move the incense stuff? He indicated no, that would be fine. The stuff isn’t in the way of the thought-form, but should only be positive things — not junk or mess.
That is next to the 4-panels-of-light shoji lamp, that symbolized us, I told him, as if this was a good thing, looking at it in the corner.
Which is dark, he observed flatly.
It’s broken, I said apologetically.
Fix it. It was not a request.
What could I say? OK.
The other three shrunk the sculpture, as it was rising, to about a foot cubed if it were in a box, and they were ‘here’ and placed it on the little table next to my bed. I could sort of half-almost see it there, as if with a vision below my vision, and then they were gone.
***
I’m of the Western world. I don’t get the shrine thing. Mind you, it wasn’t any kind of ‘kneel and pray’ feeling — not at all, it was just a ‘put this in a place of reverence and attention’.
I do grok that like Dor did many years ago, sometimes certain energies want a physical something ‘here’ to kind of anchor their energy to. But this isn’t physical ‘here’, so what’s the point? I can’t even see it well. I have to actually “visualize” to see it.
My left brain thinks it’s ridiculous. My right brain thinks it’s lovely and was so glad to see the four again up close like that.
I felt “very upset” after the meditation. After awhile, I asked myself:
Q: Why are you so upset?
A: Because it’s stupid!
Q: So…? Worst-case, you say, “ok that meditation seemed pointless.” Why all the emotion?
A: I don’t know. I feel “deeply traumatized” but I don’t know why.
***
Later, I wondered if I had heard IG right to begin with. I am nearly 45 years old. Was this something, some aspect of our togetherness, that was buried at 4 years of age? My little girl told me, many years ago, that she was ‘dreaming’ this life, and then she ’stepped into the dream and made it real’. She was 4 when this allegedly happened. I wondered if there could have been something around that age with me, and they are “digging up” some connection we had that I have had buried since then. Who knows?
I should know better than to give IG free reign and not be assured that whatever I get will be completely different than what I expect.
Palyne
Posted by Palyne on August 28, 2010 at 8:05 pm Central
The Six of Disks appeared in front of me as a perfectly normal looking guy. Slightly attractive. Gosh, I thought. He seems ok.
 I had the impression that I should walk around him. Not too closely. So I walked around him in a wide arc. The minute I saw the back of him I felt ill. It was utter chaos. As if he were wearing this ‘face’ for the world — the whole front of him — that seemed pleasing and harmless. But the back was a nightmare.
Sticking out of the back of head and all the way down his body was… everything. Spikes and knives. Mold and weird growths. Black cancerous looking things that made me nauseated. Some bugs. Some chaos. Slime. Reaaaalllly disgusting and horrifying, dangerous and frightening. Usually some symbol that makes me that disgusted requires a Tek med!
I went back to the front of him, and asked him to ‘open up so that all the ‘insides of him would be at the back along with the back, to make the front just a flat shell of sorts, and he did. Then I did a bucket-level of cleansing water of love, baking hot sun of love, tornado removing wind of love, and thick gel earth mineral-chemical of love. That seemed to make a big difference, and I had a couple tiny flashes of rush during that.
I think I did something else with him, in terms of healing, but I’ve forgotten.
When I felt I was done, and he was clean and ok, I felt very… humorous and sexy about him all the sudden. I stood close and said into his ear, Come INTO me, like it was a double entendre, and the visualization was some cross between sex and merging. It was a nice merge-rush though, not real intense but clear and extended and it made me feel like giggling happily.
Considering how long it took me to finally get to doing this — like six days — I thought it would be harder!
Palyne
Posted by Palyne on August 28, 2010 at 7:56 pm Central
I made a written list of steps up to interaction-point, so I wouldn’t wander so easily in altered state. It looked like this:
CALM. WRITE REQUEST.
THE FOUR.
THE TWELVE.
ROOT TO CORE.
SUPERSTRING.
CLEANSING BREATHS.
LASER RINSE.
TO IG.
REQUEST.
IN THIS WORLD, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!
… “ANYTHING” …
SHARE GEOMETRY.
I went through the list. It worked well to open my eyes several times to look at it, taming my brain a bit.
Somewhere in the midst of the Aeon round (the twelve), just in front of me and to my right, a stern-faced short-brown-haired older woman in a white nurse’s uniform, comes around a counter/cupboard corner, and puts something down for me. I went to it and couldn’t see it well as if white were in front of it. I finally managed to see the white as a handkerchief, and I pulled that off, to see a tiny cup with two pills, red and blue.
I’ve seen that symbolism before, I told myself, I take the red pill, no doubt! But before I took it, I stopped.
If this were ordinary life, would you just be taking drugs from someone you don’t even know? Why would she give you that? Why would you perceive her as slightly unattractive and stern?
I put it in my pocket to ask IG about later. I would talk with her first.
Then I got to IG and passed out. Well, I had good intentions, anyway!
***
So when I woke up, I got my act together and sat down to try it again. I need to get through Six of Disks, sheesh!
I showed IG the pills. She didn’t say anything but I got an “understanding” as soon as I did.
What is the belief system that says things must be extreme and crazy or boring and normal? Is there no way to get insight from the normal things in life? Is there no way to experience growth and education without chaos involved? Why must it be either/or?
I saw that this had some relationship to the ‘paradigms’ that I place on my meditations with IG. Part of expectations, you could say. There is an entire spectrum of possibility. Yet for me I had been kind of dividing experience into two categories like that. Recently I have had more ‘insight during the normal times’. It is part of opening up, to releasing the framework of ‘duality’ in this regard. It doesn’t have to be “Bewilderness” so that your whole reality falls apart.
I had the feeling that manifestation, that ‘nurse and the pills’ mini-movie, was part of me that is threatened by this lack of boundaries. That is trying to close it down. Not just to saying, that experience must be ‘extreme’ in order to growth/educational. But also, as a subtle implication, that things-extreme are more reasonable to defend oneself from, just due to their nature. So then one ends up with not much geared to growth and education at all — because it’s required to come in the doorway of chaos, and that door is barred closed in self defense because of the chaos.
I don’t want or need such things anymore, I told IG, and tossed them away, and she vanished them.
***
I found myself in a new place, and I took the form of a geometry. I could feel angles and points. Not very well, but somewhat. I moved, rather than walked, down a road I was on.
Coming toward me on the road was something or someone else. It also was in the form of a geometry. I stopped moving, and it did too. I wondered, how do I know what it is like? Is it a threat to me? Could it hurt me? Will it hurt me? I realized that being in a different form than my normal one made me feel a little less secure. As if I didn’t know my limits in this other form. Or the limits of other things in that form.
Does it matter that it is larger than me? I asked all the ‘myself’ inside me. I felt myself ’scale’ up and down, larger than it, smaller than it. That was an answer, which was no. Size is just another… quality, it is not about inherent power. It can be used as a symbol to indicate power but on its own merits the two things are not necessarily related.
How do I recognize power or threat in things unfamiliar to me? I asked. I kept trying to think up ways to measure or compare and not doing too well. I thought this was hard and maybe I should ask IG, and then I thought, no, dang it, I keep asking her to make things more challenging, to help me learn more and get better at this, and then the minute something is challenging, I’m going to whine about it and ask for help? No. At that point I would have stood there and bled before asking for help, haha.
I asked it to take human form. It looked like a relatively normal guy. I had the sense that, had it been threatening, that my mind would have given me symbols that I recognize — claws, size, sharp teeth, scales, glowing eyes, something — to indicate elements of its nature to me. So one answer is, to see if something can be brought into a symbol format I recognize.
Then, I thought, wouldn’t communication help? Might I perceive more of its nature if we were interacting? So I started talking to it, and it was very agreeable, and we ended up ‘merging our geometries’, which was a small rush.
***
I found myself in another place, and things ‘dropped from the sky all around me’ and they were creatures, sort of beast-monsters, walking around me. Stand still, some part of me said. They did not seem to notice me, but I had the feeling they would if I moved or made any noise.
How do I know if they are a threat to me, if I can’t talk to them, to ask them to shift form — I had the clear feeling this would not happen – or to interact? I asked myself. There must be a way.
Memories of Biogram Therapy and NLP hit me at the same time, as if parts of me were throwing these at me like footballs. Design a filter-search to focus on the energy in question, biogram footballs told me (thank you Richard Johnson). Design a mental tool to view and then modify the status of anything inside you, NLP footballs told me (thank you Richard Bandler).
I thought about what might work. I realized, as I began to create something, that there are always TWO questions you have about anybody else you encounter, energetically. The first question is, CAN they hurt me? The second question is, WILL they hurt me?
In other words, a super powerful entity that is kind, is not the same as an even moderately powerful entity that is badly aspected to you. (Badly aspected! I’ve been reading too much astrology! But maybe that is what it is, you know? A bad angle; a bad geometry.) And it is not such a big deal if something is poorly disposed toward you if it is less powerful and cannot hurt you anyway. Not that you might not have to deal with it, just that it’s not something to worry about being threatened by.
On the other hand, these things aren’t in polarities, I realized. It’s not like you can just ask your mind to give you a red light or green light depending on the intent and the inherent power. It needs to be a spectrum.
So finally, for each of the many creatures around me, I created two tall thin clear energy tubes next to each other. If it were physical, they would have been about 1/4 inch in diameter, about four feet tall, right next to each other with only about an inch airspace between, made of something clear, and about as far from me as my hand if I put my left arm out to the side. They are “meters,” similar to a thermometer, or a music equalizer panel light.
On the left, the meter is black and white. Black at the bottom. The black rises. Up to midpoint, the ‘relationship of our geometry’ is not significantly problematic enough to be harmful. As it nears the middle it gets problematic. If it is anywhere past the middle, it will be aggressive toward me; the higher on the scale, the moreso.
On the right, the meter is red and white. Red at the bottom. The red rises. At midpoint, the ‘comparative intensity and coherency of our power’ is equal. Below that, I have more; above that, and they have more. I could feel here that inherent power (intensity) and power you actually have a handle on using (coherency) are two different things. I could feel that I had a decent chunk of the former and not much of the latter.
I did an instant-creation of these ‘meters’ for each creature and I ran the meters into and out of existence past me very quickly. Only one was a threat. The black was a about 20% of the way over the middle. It was one that was some distance from me to the right. I thought, “remove the others” and all but him vanished. He turned toward me and instantly I flashed into a ‘defense’ mode:
I was sitting in the middle of a pyramid made from four laser-light-red triangles and in the open part of each of them, spinning counter-clockwise, was another red triangle. I remembered where this came from — a meditation long ago, where I’d spontaneously done this then, too, and understood that this is more than just shapes, that this is actually a sort of… not a creature but… somewhere in between, some actual thoughtform that exists apart from me and is ancient and is more powerful than just the shapes would make it appear. I had the feeling the first time this happened that from the outside it looks like I’m just surrounded by fire.
It occurred to me that I can’t just walk around surrounded by a flaming pyramid all the time. There has to be a way to deal with things that are powerful and may be harmful to me, I thought.
Maybe I should make a point to interact with it to try and share energy, I thought.
If this was the real world and it was some killer who was dangerous would you feel you needed to interact with it? some part of me thought.
Well… no! I said.
Why would you operate differently in this inner world than in the outer world? some part of me asked.
I didn’t have an answer for that. I can see that there is actually a lot of sense to this. I mean oddly enough, all the basic measures of common sense and defense that I employ in my daily life, for some reason go out the window in the inner world. Then I ‘understood’, from IG, that I was still working on the stuff from earlier, that this is actually related, the same energetic issue: because I have separated my belief system into the extremes, where esoteria is one end of the spectrum and normal life is the other, I have also separated my modeling that way.
I have always had esoteric work be so far from “mundania” that all the good and useful operational skills from mundania were not helpful to me, because I considered them another world with different rules. Someone says, “Here’s a red pill” and I go “Yeah! I’m courageous so I’ll take this!” when really the question I should be asking is, “Who the hell are you, why would you give this to me, and why should I ‘take unto myself’ energy I don’t know from some entity I don’t know under circumstances I don’t understand?” I would ask such things in my ‘mundane’ life.
Because I was introduced to ‘inner work’ under the care of Inner Guide, I have considered everything ‘inside’ to be ’safe’ for me. My previous IG, upon leaving me, made a point to teach me something of this, telling me the only things most likely to hurt me ARE a part of myself, and just because something is technically part of me doesn’t mean we’re in alignment, or that it isn’t powerful enough to do me damage, or that it isn’t even outright hostile to me. He taught me you don’t just reach into something when you can’t see, you don’t just walk into something if you can’t see, you have to be responsible for yourself, you have to be aware. I guess this is some of the same ideas, and I haven’t paid too much attention.
I still had the situation of the creature though. I couldn’t sit in my flaming pyramid all day. I looked again at its meter. This is my symbol for it, I said, so this must represent, either its energy, or… or the ‘relationship’ of its energy and my energy. Can I actually cause change to the symbol, and in doing so, cause change to the creature? Thoughtform-voodoo, essentially, but for healing?
This made me wonder. Is this an invasion of privacy? Am I altering “the geometry of who they are” as a creature? Do I have that right?
How do you feel about that in regular life? someone inside me asked. I considered.
I consider it totally my right. I know some people go on about permission to heal and all that. I think that’s ridiculous. I consider if anything falls in front of me, that energy has chosen to interact with me. And in my opinion “all things long to evolve”. Aside from which, anything in MY attention sphere makes it part of MY reality and, if the symbol suggests problems, I feel it’s literally my duty to fix it, not in a bad ’should’ way, but in an honored, ‘opportunity for sharing divine energy’ way. If I’m an ER doctor and I find someone bleeding on my doorstep, I’m not going to dick around about whether they’ve signed in triplicate and can talk to me reasonably about it before I help them.
So, no. I don’t consider it an invasion of privacy–I believe in psi, in their psi, so as far as I’m concerned, our mere interaction already says they have chosen to invite me–and the “geometry of who they are” is divine; healing them helps them better find it. If they didn’t want to be healed they wouldn’t be in my reality.
So I asked for the Angelics, who appeared and each put a hand on the back of my shoulder blades, and I sent loving cleansing energy at the ’symbol’ — at the meter, the mental tool, which ‘represented’ their intent and their power — just toward the ‘intent’ meter. “Cleansing” it instantly began reducing the level of the black in the meter. When it got down to about 1/4 of the way, far below center, I let it be. The creature wandered off, disinterested in me.
I remembered The Private Oracle telling me that everything, everything, is a ‘trade’. That every energy I work with gets something from me as I get something from them. I suddenly wondered what the Angelics (the ‘archetype’ of Angels – not actual angels, but related) get from me.
***
Then I asked for the Six of Disks as an archetype. I’ll write that up separately.
Palyne
|
 Posts  Comments I practice 'active' meditation which varies in style and detail. Some 'similar' forms are called shamanic journey, conscious dreaming, active imagination, inner guide work, etc. Spiritual growth is like all others: you absorb, become aware, and via love (sympathetic rapport and desire to become or absorb) and will (directed intent), that energy becomes part of your singular sense of identity. The 'growth' is in awareness, and with that comes power which is always over Self. Diversity is Legion; Singularity is the I AM. None of this is new or unique. It's simply "unconscious and slow" for most people. I figure I can't help doing it, so I would rather do it well than badly.
|
Recent Comments